I had to take a break.

I had to take a break from my blogging. I was almost becoming obsessed with it in a way. I was blogging as a crutch. But, I got that issue under control now I believe. And I'm doing better. This year has been the worst year of my life. And I am so thankful its over. And I know that my Shaun is looking down on me - ringing in the new year with me. So happy new year everyone. Be safe. And I'll see you next year. :-)

It has been rough...

I don't know why I have had such a hard time blogging. Time of year, I guess. I think about him almost every minute of everyday. Everyday, our baby looks more like him. Everyday, god blesses me with one of his dreams coming true. I sit here and reflect-and it doesn't seem possible. But I am blessed. I know where he is. And I am so happy for that. Thank you Lifepoint Church-for being one of God's tools to keep Shaun with me forever.

You know...

I know you are so happy...

What a week....

It's interesting what a week can bring.  And yet, although it has brought a lot - I am back here - writing again.  A level of comfort for me I guess.  I have been criticized for blogging everyday - so I tried to back off - but now, I think I am going to say kiss it.  It helps me - so don't judge.  What works for some, doesn't others. 
Here's a synopsis of my last week.  I have been miserable.  Thanksgiving, although was precious because I got to share it with friends and my kiddos - was horrible.  I was miserable.  Sad.  The day felt like it would never end.  And I just wanted it to be over - or start it over with Shaun beside me.  We had so much fun last thanksgiving.  We visited my parents in Tennessee, we went black Friday shopping, we rode a mule through the woods - it was wonderful.  And this year I felt empty.  I really did.  And don't get me wrong - I am thankful for all I have.  But just because you are thankful for all you do have - doesn't mean that you don't mourn the one you lost.  And mourning can be overwhelming.
Mourning can also make you sick.  I've learned that.  You must eat.  And keep it down (not to be gross).  I got sick.  Ran a fever.  Apparently, all vitamins, minerals, etc. - was bottoming out.  So now - I am on meds and trying my best to keep food in me.  I never had the issue of eating, or not wanting to - I should say.  A whole new problem.  Not to mention, all the other stuff that's been going on.  I guess this is what I am saying.  It is still hard.  Very hard.  And It hasn't gotten easier.  It breaks my heart everyday.  Everyday I pray that I will wake up and it will be June 22 - and he won't die - and all this will be a bad dream.  And everyday, I wake up - and my nightmare is my reality.  And everyday, I have to digest it again.  So keep praying for me - because it's hard.  God has been so good to me.  And prayers are what have gotten me through it.  I still need those prayers - you have no idea how much they help.  Love you guys.

A lot of things that have been on my mind.... Happy Thanksgiving...

Thanksgiving is Stupid.  A lot of my close friends will laugh about that because how often I have said it lately.  And I don't really and truly mean it.  I mean it in the  pity party kind of way.  But today, I saw the joy on my coworkers faces - excited about a day off - excited to see family - and it made me happy for them.  So, I started to think about the things that I am truly thankful for.  And I think it's cute - they way a lot of folks have been putting things that they are thankful for the whole month of November.  And I have seen a lot - from post it's, pens, hoodies, children, love, and my fav - God's Love.  Then, I saw a snide comment - where someone made fun of the whole thing for someone being thankful for something that they see as trivial.  Here is my thought on that - nothing in this world is trivial if someone is thankful for it.  It's awesome to be thankful for the little things - because sometimes, in situations like mine, the little things are the ones that I can easily recognize.  Such as pens - I am thankful for pens - I really am.  If it wasn't for pens, how would I do my work?  How would I write on post-it's to make someone smile?  How would I be able to write down a random memory quickly - so I know I will never forget it again?  See what I mean?  It's more than a pen to me - it's a way to preserve memories.  It's a way to provide support for my family.  A way to bring a smile to someone. All in a little plastic case.

So, I decided to list a few things - share a few things about my hubby - so everyone can see how thankful I am to have had him.  So here we go.
1. He always kissed my temple anytime I was standing near him.  Right at my hairline.
2. The way he would alternate JOOP! and Guess Cologne (and sometimes mix it up with the one that looks like it's in a cigar bottle).  And he always smelled delicious.
3.  He was incredibly sexy.  Tattoos, ears pierced, and tough.  But inside, the kindest spirit I have ever known.  He would do anything for anyone.
4.  The man could dance.  Amazingly.  He took me dancing.  And when I got tired, he would pick me up(which isn't a small feat), and carry me.
5.  We were a yin and  yang.  Completely opposites, but totally the same.  Literally like my other half.
6.  The he loved music.  All types - but would try to act hard core when we first met - only listening to "gangsta rap" - then come to find out - he liked it all.
7.  To go with that one, the way he always got an inner city accent the second we rolled into Baltimore.  Without fail.  Always.  And it would crack me up - so, I decided I would get one, too.  And then he would tell me how ridiculous I sounded - and I still say - MY POINT EXACTLY SHAUN!!! (And he would grin, kiss me, and keep talking like that.)
8.  He loved some football - and so did I - and we had a blast with it.
9.  We used to sit in the garage, while Jacoby was napping on Sunday afternoons, and talk about the sermon from that day.
10.  The way he always had us pray before we ate.  Even if we were in the car - he'd reach around so we all had to hold hands.
11.  He had an addiction to craigslist.  It was hilarious.
12.  He had a hairy chest.  And it was gorgeous.  And I love it.
13.  The way it rocked my world the way he sounded when he told me he loved me the first time, and I knew  he meant it.
14.  He scratched my back almost every night when I went to bed.  Just to help me sleep.
15.  He would be offended if I gave him a peck.  He expected a real kiss every time.
16.  He loved playing scrabble - and beating me - which he always beat me in scrabble.
17.  How he cackled when I painted one wall in the closet purple - and hugged me  - informed me I was crazy, and said that's why he loved me.  Didn't get mad - just laughed.
18.  How he got so mad and Madden - the video game.
19.  The way he made my heart feel like it would beat out of my chest when I saw him.
20.  Easter sunday this year - he had on a black sweater vest,  plaid shirt, a skinny tie - aviator sunglasses - and Nike high tops that were black and white.  I was volunteering, and he walked in - and I thought, "Wow - that guy is gorgeous! " Then I realized it was my husband, and I was so  proud - and I ran and told him. And he said, "Why you looking at other guys and thinking they are cute?" - he said it playfully.  I told him, "I tried too, and it still ended up being you - "  And then his response? "Good save baby, I got nothing on that - and you are quite gorgeous yourself" - and he leaned down and kissed me. (And he smelled like JOOP! that day.)
21.  They way he loved my kids just as much as his.  And would have died for them in an instant.
22.  They way he made me feel safe and secure.  They way he showed me what love was.  They way he lead me and the kids.  His love for God.

I feel him everywhere.  There is always a side of my bed that's empty.  A chair that's empty.  I don't want to miss a moment with him.  It hurts because I am.  He gave my life direction.  I believed in him, still do.  And he always blew my mind with his capabilities.   He made me feel like I could conquer the world.  I was, for the first time, completely and truly myself with another person. I am so happy and proud, that the world got to see that he picked me.  That's the biggest honor that I have ever been given.  He's my angel now - but always the love of my life, and always my husband.  

I am a "knower"....

Okay, so here is something weird.  I really think God didn't want me to most my blog last night because he wanted me to write about something else.... So here it is.  First and foremost, a little back history.  Jacqueline and I were talking about faith - and why I believe what I believe.  And then I realized something.  I don't like the term "believer".  Because my faith isn't just something that I believe in - I know it.  I know 2+2=4.  So, I know what God has done for me.  I know how he changed my life.  I know how he changed my husbands life.
This past few days have been horrible.  I have cried at the drop of a hat.  Everything makes me feel extremely lonely.  I miss him.  He made me feel alive.  And I have prayed and cried and prayed and cried.  And I am still here - writing this tonight.  I have been praying for this - I consider myself in a way an amputee.  I have lost a part of me that I will never get back.  And although, I might walk around and smile. I might laugh.  I sing.  I play with my kids.  I am never going to be completely whole again.  I might learn to live with it - but I am not the same.  
But I also know this.  God is working all of these emotions, hardships, and trials - to make something beautiful.  He needed Shaun.  I am not sure why, and I will probably never know, but he needed him.  And I know that God hears my prayers.  I know he knows how hurt I am, and he wants me to heal as I can.  But he is using this.  And using me.  I have learned things about myself through this that I never knew.  I have learned things about God, my faith, that I never knew existed.  I have learned sad things, too.  Such as, how a holiday doesn't seem like something fun anymore.  It is almost like rubbing salt in a wound.  I have learned that being the only parent in a house is demanding.  I have learned how good my memory is.  How a smell, a look from Jacoby, a conversation - can stir up a whole new memory in my mind.  And I am so thankful for those.  I have a lot in front of me right now.  A lot that I am trying to do - a balancing act, if you will.  But, please - keep me in your prayers this week.  I know I will get through it - I just dread it.  And I want you to know, how madly, deeply, and passionately I am still in love with him.  I think of him 1000 times a day.

Why do I look the way I do?

That's a question that I have been asked a few times.... and here's my answer - Publicly.  So, I would assume there is not a reason to ask anymore.  I watched a video by a buddy of mine, Bill Harris, and a the best tattoo artist here in Fredericksburg.  Bill is a local artist here, who is phenomenal- and Kenny - is an amazing tattoo artist.  He's been in National Geographic - and can make your dreams come true in a tattoo.  But this is what he said, "He is a softy, and his tattoos are his nerd armor."  Well, my look is my nerd armor.  That's all.  I only want the people who "know me" and "love me" no matter what - inside. To others,  I want to give the appearance to leave me alone.
Because, I am going to break it down for ya.  I am broken.  I am a broken human - and the only reason that I am still on the face of this earth is by the grace of my God.  That's all.  He wants me here for some reason-and what that is specifically,  that I am not sure of.  But he gave me three beautiful children, which I am forever thankful.  So, I am thrilled to be here and teach them the way they should go - but I will not be vulnerable again.  I won't be hurt again if I can help.  I want to be approachable, but I am guarded.  All of this might sound like an oxymoron, and I am quite aware that it does.  But I don't know any other way to say it.
I don't wish what I have been through on anyone, not ever.  But I wish that everyone could understand.  It is a lonely and scary existence.  I would give anything to have him back.  To make my life the way it was 6 months ago.  I was so happy then.  I am so happy for those that knew me then, so at least there is a living and breathing legacy of someone who knew me in the "before".  Knew what I was like when I was happy and unguarded.

But here is who I am now.  I am a guarded woman of three kids.  I will do everything to protect myself, my children, and the legacy of my husband.   I have ambition.  I won't be a 'stupid girl'.    It's up to me to change my future.  And it's gonna be an awesome one.  So let's roll.  I am quite sure I have no idea what my future holds, but I am sure it is going to be fabulous.  Because as long as I have breathe in my body - I will make sure it is.  Even if I do feel at times, like I am dying on the inside.

It's quite odd how life moves on...

I know that "they" say time is constant.  And, I am quite sure that they are right.  I mean, mathematically, it's true.  It is constant.  But, is it just me, or does it seem like it isn't?  It seems like I was in school for forever.  Like the first 18 years of my life poked by.  How in the world is it, that since then, it has flown?  And how is it - that some days seem like forever - and some are gone in an instant?  And when you are going on a trip - it seems like it takes forever to get there, but you get home really fast?  It's just weird.

Now here is the next weird thing.  It seems like yesterday, that Shaun was here.  But it also seems like forever ago.  It seems like it couldn't be almost 5 months since he died - but then it seems a lot longer than that.  I have been looking through pictures today, and it is weird to see how I have aged.  I feel like I look like a president after they get out of office.  All old and stressed looking.  And different.  I won't say I look stressed, per se, but I do look different.  But I guess that's because I am different.  I won't ever be who I was 5 months ago.  When you have someone, that loves you no matter what, it changes your whole brain when they are no longer there.  And, it also shocks me how I am still here.  I really would have thought this would kill me.  But it hasn't.  It's been horrible.  The worst thing that I have ever went through.  And it still is.  Life is much more hard.  I can consult with only myself.  I make the everyday decisions completely alone.  And, I know people do it everyday, as I am - but it still stinks.  To think about someone constantly - and not be able to touch them.  Talk to them.  It stinks.  But, hopefully all the bad moments will speed by - and the good ones will go slow.  And I know that God is carrying me through all this - and I have learned/will learn a lot through it.  Love you guys.

One is a lonely number.

Still trying.
I've been trying to blog all evening. Too much going on in my head, I guess. But I guess here's the long and short of it. Being lonely sucks. And I am not just speaking of my situation. You can be in a room full of folks- beside someone on a couch holding hands - sharing dinner with a friend- and still be lonely. I feel for all those people. And I hate that I am one them. I really do.

Where I am now....

When I first started writing at all, I guess I was 19.  I was a brat.  I was a self-obsessed, self-entitled, drama queen.  I was angry at the entire world.  I think there is a big difference now.  Now my anger is a lot more focused. :-)  (At least most of the time.)  Some of the anger has been elimated, exorcised, whichever term you would care to use.  And now, well, I feel proud of myself.  I like myself.  A lot. A lot more now.  I think of the reasons that I feel a lot more functioning as a human being... (I laughed out loud to that..) I think that I have gotten a lot of the anger and pain out - through writing, talking, and screaming out songs at the top of lungs driving down 95.  If there is one piece of advice, that I would give you right now - in this instant - on this journey - it's "To thine own self be true."  You aren't going to be able to please every individual walking the face of this earth.  But there is a guarantee of the one person that you are going to have to face, head on, each day - and that's you.  So everyday, when you look in the mirror, make sure that you like what you are going to see.  I think I was an underdog.  And through a lot of searching, the love of my friends, my family, my kids, my love and Angel Shaun, and most importantly God - I am no longer an underdog.  I like what I see each day.  And hopefully it can only get better from here.  I love you all  - good night.

Facebook is absolutely AHHHMAAAZING....

I love Facebook.  I absolutely do.  Tonight, I saw a post from one of my friends, and it was my thoughts - but put into words.  Here it is.... :

•             "When it hurts to look back, and you're scared to look ahead, you can look beside you and your best of friends will be there. Tonight I am thankful for my friends who have stuck by me..thick and thin.....and always loved me no matter what. Lord knows no one is perfect, especially me, but Im thankful my friends think Im perfect just the way I am, and take the good with the bad. ♥"

And isn't that the best thing ever - absolutely ever!  To have people who don't have to love you - and they do it anyway.  They are there for you no matter what.  No matter if you are happy, sad, mean, angry, bad hair, you name it.  I have three women in my life, that we refer to each other as "sister wives"... And no, we aren't polygamists.  But, if you get one of us - you get us all of us.  Because we are that close.  We love each other intensely.  We have laughed, cried, screamed, you name it.  But years later - we are still together.  They make my insides feel all melty, just because they are so precious.  Shaun loved these women like they were his own sisters.  He gave us our girl time... he would even cater to it.  He would encourage it.  Because he knew that it was a bond that not all people are fortunate enough to have.

So tonight, I am once again blessed and thankful.  Thankful that God has given me this adventuresome life.  That he has placed absolutely amazing people in it.  And that he has given me three beautiful women, to walk with me through it - just by choice.  No requirements.  I love you ladies. With all my heart.  And thanks for being there for me these past 4 and half months, and always.  And stay there - cause I will always need you and want you.  I love you guys.

Beautiful.

It's word that is used non challantly.  A beautiful sunset.  A beautiful bride.  A beautiful win.  You get where I am going with this.  But what a powerful word it can be.  Guess what's next?  You got it .  A webster's definition.  Here we go.  Webster's defines the word beautiful as - excellence of it's kind.  Wow.  The excellence, the top, the highest.  So, if you say you saw a beautiful sunset - you are saying it was the top.  Now, that being said, we say that word often and probably don't take a whole lot of stock into what we mean when we say it.  But lately, I have seen that word everywhere - from my wrist to billboards.  And here is what I think.  I guess, this is gonna be my personal view on it - not that all my blogs aren't, but anyway.  Here goes.

First, don't take the word lightly.  Don't take any words you say lightly.  But especially - don't take such a special word and make it less special.  Second, there is nothing, and I mean nothing on this earth that can make a woman feel more special than hearing that word.  And not the, "You are beautiful, babe."  But the tracks stopping, mind blowing,  you know what I mean.  When a man looks at you, and you feel deep within his heart - he really believes that you are absolutely beautiful.  The most excellent of your kind.  That's some powerful stuff right there.  It makes you feel like you can do anything.  At all.  Ever.  It makes you feel like if someone sees that, then it must be true.  And it's one phenomenal feeling.  

And it's a horrible feeling when you lose it.  But you have to remember, that he saw something.  In that instant - he saw something.  And to keep doing what you are doing - and well, do it beautifully. So I will write my fingers to the bone, but I will do it beautifully.  Thanks for calling me beautiful.  You don't know how empowered and driven it made me.  You will never know - how in that instant - a brief moment - it rocked my world.  And I am so thankful that I have it tattooed on my wrist.  Because every time I look at it - I will remember that instant.  Everytime I doubt myself, I will remember that instant.  It's a powerful thing to let your guard down for a minute and be vulnerable.  And it's a powerful thing, to realize the difference an instant can make.

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY MY LOVE....

One year ago today, I married the man of my dreams.  My heart, my soul, and my best friend.  The one person in this world who really "got" me.  Who believed in me when no one else did.  Who stood behind me, when everyone was telling me I couldn't do it.  One year ago today, I was over the moon, and I felt proud and optimistic.  We were finally on the right path.  I never, ever thought, this is the way I would be celebrating our one year anniversary.  Alone in front of a computer dreaming of our wedding day.
If you hadn't noticed, I was off the grid this past week.  I was on a trip, that well, was much needed.  I traveled on a plane alone.  I got to the hotel - alone.  I switched planes - alone.  I figured out gates, Canada, and well the city of New York - alone.  And guess what?  I am sitting in front of my computer - safe and sound - and I did it.  I made it.  It was a bumpy ride - but I made it.  Before I met Shaun - that would have never ever happened.  He taught me something - and it's something he wrote to me in one of his many notes... it said, " You make me feel adventurous, and adventure is my inspiration.  Therefore BeautifuLL, you are my inspiration."  And that, is one impressive compliment.  So, I was adventurous.  And I became inspired.  For many reasons.  There is so much in my head that I want to share.  So many stories, just waiting to be written.  So today, as my wedding gift to my husband,  it will begin.  Not just my story about he and I - but all the other ones we talked about.  And the new ones that are in my head.  This is my passion and my calling.  I know that now.  And as I was thinking about this, trapped in an airplane - and I look out the window.  What do I see, you ask?  I think it was Shaun, winking at me, and saying, "That's what I want baby, that's what I want.  I love you too - and you are doing good."  You might call it the sun... but the sun doesn't normally look like this... Not to me.  I love you, daddy - I love you so much.  And I miss you - I miss you more than you will ever know.  No one could ever do for me what you did.  I love you and think about you always.

My poor little girl....

A few days ago, my little girl had to get an "appliance" in her mouth.  It has been horrible every night.  I have to insert a key into this contraption in the roof of her mouth, and twist a key.  It in turn, pushes her upper jaw out - widening her palatte.  It seems painful, and she sobs everytime.  It breaks my heart - like way deep down it breaks it.  Shaun was so good at that kinda of stuff.  He was a consoler.  He could yank teeth, take them for shots, pull out splinters, cleaned scraped knees - and he would have them laughing their heads off in no time.  I don't know how he did that. 
There are times, we it hits me more than others, the level that I  miss him.  I miss him all the time - but there are times I can almost taste the level of lonliness without him.  When I feel like if he was doing this, it would be better.  He would make it better for all of us.  She has been so weepy lately.  I think it's just now catching up with her, exactly what happened and that he isn't coming home again.  And boy, that's hard.  I know it is.  So pray for my little girl tonight.  For her teeth, but more importantly, her heart. And pray for me - that God gives me the words to say to her - to ease her troubled little heart. 

All sorts of families....

You know, nowadays, there are all types of families.  Dysfunctional, nuclear, extended, emotional, and I could go on.  But, I wanna talk about my families tonight.  I have a few.  First, my church family.  During the last few months of my life, my church family has been my rock.  They have carried me through some long lonely days and nights.  And I don't think a bunch of people could be more supportive or endearing if they tried.  I never knew how precious a group could be, and I hope you never have to know how much to cling to them, but wow - if you need them - they are there.
Then my immediate family - daddy, mommy, sister, etc.  Enough said.  Always have been here  - always will be.  I am blessed to have an amazing family by birth.  I know to be thankful for that - so many don't have that.  And then Shaun gave me some rockin' inlaws.  Alan, I know you live far away, but I feel like you are here every time I see that little grin from Jacoby.  He looks like his daddy, who looks like his daddy - and it's awesome.
Second, my friends.  Jacqueline, Krissie, Brooke, and Kelly.  Four females who have stood by me no matter what.  All hours of the day and night - they are there.  I can't even describe the love and support they gave - and to try to do so, would just do it an injustice.  It really would.  So, just know - they were/are amazing - and haven't swayed.  At all, not one second.
Third, my work family.  I haven't talked in my blog much about where I work - but tonight - I am busting it out.  I work for GEICO.  I was an Auto Damage Adjuster.  My co-worker, my supervisor, and my manager - they were amazing.  This a company, with a ton of employees, where frankly, I didn't expect them to cater to me or help me - and they definitely did.  They moved me to a position that helped me sooooo much - made my life easier for my kids, and me.  They definitely didn't have to do that.  And now, I work with some amazing people.  They make me laugh daily.  And smile when I think I can't.  And I adore each and everyone of them.
So, I guess I am saying this - who is to say what makes a family?  I have a ton of different types.  And I love each and everyone of them.  And I feel like God orchestrated each and everyone of these individuals in my life, because he knew when and where I would need them.  And maybe, just maybe, they need me too.  I can only hope.  So guys, I love you.  All of you.  And all of you know who you are.  And my Shaun loves you - for putting a smile on my face, carrying me through, and helping me keep my head up, when I think I can't .  You have all made me a better person.  And I love each and everyone of you.  So much.

Good day... SUNSHINE!

I got asked a fabulous question tonight.  I loved it even.  And that's why I am so late writing my blog - I was talking to a blog reader....  (And yes, It was kinda weird and stalker like, because I never met them - but after the fact, it was quite cool!)  But here is a question I was asked....  "How in the world are you so positive 95% of the time.  I would think it would be the exact opposite."  Well, I had never thought of it that way.  Cause, to be honest, I would say that I can be quite the "Debbie Downer".  But, I thought, and I do laugh at work.  I try to make jokes.  I genuinely love and cherish the life God has given me.  Have I been through some horrible times?  Obviously.  Are some days better than others?  Of course.  But, I have God and assurance - so how else can you really act?  I am positive.  Positive of many things.  And albeit, I have bad moments - for the most part - I know I am going to rock this.
A few days ago, I straight up freaked out on a friend of mine.  Acted like a complete crying and bumbling moron.  But it's over with.  No point in dwelling on it.  I am gonna keep moving forward to my goals, my life.  And each day I am on this planet, I smile - because it's one day closer to seeing my love.  And that will be glorious.  So that's something to be thankful for, too.  I read somewhere when a guy was asked about how he was optimistic he said, "Well, that's just the color of the sky where I live."  That sums me up.  That is just the color of the sky where I live.  Every once in a while, there's a few dark clouds, but for the most part - It's gorgeous - and I can see a light on the horizon.... That's my baby with his arms out - letting me know that he is there waiting... And to enjoy the view - until he can hold me and enjoy it with me.
This is the color of my sky.....

Adele.

Wow.  Powerful singer.  I have been obsessed with her music today, since my daughter told me she felt powerful while singing with her.  And her lyrics are gorgeous - and deep.  I love it.  But, as I am listening - I laugh, because I think of my sweet girl.  And, I realize this.  I might not have the answers as to who I am without Shaun - but I don't guess I really have to know.  I will figure it out as I go along.  There is no timestamp on it.  No one is pressuring me to make it work right now.  So, I am going to go peacefully along - at least until my next mega breakdown - and listen to music, play with my kids, and be thankful.  God has given me so much - but he's never taken away.  I have just lost a few of the gifts he allowed me to have.  But I will enjoy the gifts I have today - and I am going to share one - Here is my daughter's favorite song - that makes her feel powerful....  This one is for you little girl.....

One of the hardest nights of my life...

There are things that make you think.  That make you think really hard.  And from what I have learned, those are the things that you really never wish you had to think about.  They make you think about who you really are deep down, when all the doors are closed and no one is watching.  And here is what I have found out about me.  Yes, it's true, I am strong and tough - and can take hold of things that I never thought I could do.  But, there is that part of me that is painfully lonely.  That is just so sad.  Like the deep down, broken, type of sad.  And that just when you think you can't hurt anymore, something happens - that makes you realize, yep - you still have a  heart, and yes - it can still hurt.  And well, that stinks.  I just wonder, at what point, this thing that I have that is known as a heart, will turn completely to steel, and quit hurting.  I guess it never will.  To have someone that always had your back, no matter what - somebody that you could talk to about anything, and lose that!?  It's almost unbearable.
I have 3 precious kids.  And they are my world.  And I am so thankful for them.  But my goodness, how can you miss someone so much.  I search for him all the time - I really feel like I do.  And tonight, I feel broken.  Just broken.  That's the only word that I know.  I go through my days, and I have two identities.  I am Kristie, the Geico employee.  Then, at 3:30 - I turn into Kristie, the momma.  I have lost Kristie, the girl that Shaun loved.  I don't know where she went.  I miss her, too.  I feel like not only, did I lose Shaun,  I lost a part of me.  And I don't know where she went - and no matter how hard I try - I can't find her.  A big chunk of my happiness is gone.  I just want it back.  That's all.  So, I am gonna cry my eyes out - and see if that helps.  And then I am going to go to bed.  And call tomorrow a new day.  And maybe, just maybe, she will show up tomorrow.  I can always hope, right?

Four months.

Today it has been four months since Shaun died.  There are 100's of different things I could write about.  But I really don't feel like.  All I feel like doing, is just going to bed.  And then, I will wake up - and this day too will have passed.  So, keep me in your prayers.  Good night.

A night to let go...

Tonight, we had a bonfire with my Lifegroup.  And we put on a notecard, the things that we wanted to let go.  Things that we wanted to rid ourselves of so that we can move forward with God's plan for our lives.  And, I had a list.  A big one.  And seeing that box  - in the middle of a fire - going up in flames - was powerful.  And you could really feel the presence of God there.  And it was great to let those things go.  Not just let them go - but really acknowledge them.  And then release them. I have had so many feelings and questions since Shaun died.  And I never wanted to acknowledge them.  I want him home in the worse way ever.  But I realize that he is the one who is home, I'm not.  I have a lot of fear.  Fear that something could happen to one of my kids, my friends, my family.  And it scares me.  A ridiculous amount.  I want to keep everyone close and safe.  And I realize that Shaun was home, and safe - and there was nothing I could do - which makes me feel helpless in a way.  To acknowledge my insane amount of fear and to let it go - or at least acknowledge it - felt like a step in the right direction.  Acknowledgement is a powerful thing, I believe.  I recommend it.  I really do.  So, I wanna say thanks to Lifepoint - for producing the Living the Dream series.  I want to live mine.

Sympathy and Empathy....

Those two words always seemed weird to me.  I always got them confused.  And to be honest, I looked them up tonight - and the definition for empathy isn't clear at all.  I know what it means and all - but it really isn't a true definition.  Tonight, one of my friends from elementary, middle, and high school, lost his wife today from pancreatic cancer.  And my heart literally hurts for  him.  His two little girls.  Like, I feel nauseous - and pained deep to my core.  I know how sad and empty he feels right now.  And I know that nothing that I can say or do can help.  So I pray.  Because that's all that I am capable of doing.  I know that right now they are all in pain.  Can I empathize?  Yes, No, Maybe?  I don't know what it is like to lose your wife.  To be left as a single father.  I know on the wife's side, but not a husband's.

I also can't imagine to watch your loved one die overtime.  He doesn't know what it is like to lose them in an instant with no warning.  And in my mind, they are both equally horrible.  I guess I feel like I am not necessarily sympathetic or empathetic.  I am hurt.  Deep down.  On a human level - on a sister in Christ way.  And it breaks my heart.  I hope Shaun introduces himself to her.  And I am so thankful she is no longer in pain.  Just pray for my friend.  They are gonna have a long road of healing ahead - and as I know - It is a really bumpy one.

An emotional wreck today...

Okay, so here's something I have learned.  And I am going to be candid here.  And if I am giving too much information - well, that's how I roll.  So, here it is.  Ready?  A cold, a bad outfit, a couple days before your period, a widow, and a stupid comment - can spin me out of control.  Into a raging, emotional basket case.  When I am sad and upset, I no longer have Shaun to call, where he would say, "Baby, you are being nuts.  Relax."  Or, "Baby, you are completely right!  Just show them how right you are!"  Well, I could keep going, but you get my drift.  It's about more than I could tolerate today.  So today was one of those days where I kept pretty much to myself, lost in my own thoughts.  I cried my whole drive home.  Not just the normal cry - the straight up ugly cry.  The kind of cry where you think that maybe, just maybe - you shouldn't drive, because your tears are making the road blurry.  Then, no to avail, I try to pull it together when I go pick up the kiddos.  I get home, cry a little.  Decide to go the tanning bed - UV rays should give me some vitamin D to perk me right up!  I cry the whole way there, then I cry while I am in the tanning bed.  Then, I got scared, because I thought, Will the light reflect off my tears and burn where my tear streaks are?  (Just for the record, that didn't happen - so I am breathing easy over that.)
So here it is.  I am heart broken.  Still.  Guessing I always will be.  Today, I realized a lot of things he did for me.  Not the big ones - I had already thought of those.  But some little ones - things he did that he probably didn't even notice either.  He made me excruciatingly happy.  We made each other excruciatingly happy.  I thought that was it.  I learned this today, too.  He taught me to be strong, self-sufficient, adventurous.  He taught me to express myself with no regrets.  To show my passion for God to others without feeling self-conscious about it.  I am learning to be a single mom.  And I have found ways, ways that he would use, mixed with ways that I would use - to deal with any problems that we would deal together.
It's strange.  It's a new chapter in my life.  A chapter I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy - but nonetheless, it's a chapter that has been placed in my life and I have to make sure it has a good ending.  There has already been enough tragedies in this book of mine.  And I can't crumble and fall now.  I am his legacy now.  I can't let him down, after all.

Snuggles...

So tonight, I am sitting in Shaun's chair, with Isabella.  We have sat here, with our legs intertwined, and watched tv.  And it is great.  This is what life is all about.  Cherishing those little moments - as you get them.  I don't have a whole lot to say tonight.  I am just gonna sit here, snuggle, and love on my kiddos.  Do the same.  It's wonderful.

What a night.

I had kinda a rough night.  My sweet and gorgeous daughter gave me the biggest gift ever.  And it was a video of me and Shaun, a video that I never knew existed.   It tore my heart out, and made me smile.  It was a real mixture of emotions.  But I am so happy - happy to remember a sweet moment.  It made me remember how it felt when he put his hand on my head when he kissed me.  It made me remember the sweet look he gave me when he was sad.  It made me remember how blessed I was.  I am.  I miss him so much, there are times where I think I can't even stand it.  Our anniversary is slowly approaching.  I don't know how I will handle that day, and it kinda scares me.  I just want him back in my arms.  With me and loving me.  The way it was supposed to be.  I really really miss him.

Exhausted.

I am exhausted.  I had a big weekend, but the level of exhaustion I have, I don't think it's from that.  Well, completely.  I think that it's just hard being a single mom.  Everything and everyone in your home being 100 % completely dependent on you.  But you know what?  It's okay.  I would rather be tired tonight, and know that I am here for my kids than not.  I can will be rested when I am gone.  So, I am thankful tonight for being sleepy.  I am so thankful to be the momma to 3 beautiful kids.  I am so thankful for all the friends and family around me.  And I am so thankful for the life that God has given me.  I am blessed.  So tonight, i am keeping it short and sweet.  And I am going to bed soon.  But, I just want to say - thank you for being there.  All of you.  And helping me realize daily how amazingly blessed and lucky I really and truly am.

Centurian

So, this weekend, I had to make a road trip to Tennessee.  Krissie, myself, and the kiddos went to Tennessee for my grandmother's 100th birthday celebration.  And it was amazing.  I can't imagine all that she has seen.  As I walked up to her, and looked at her, it was kind of overwhelming to think about all that this one person has seen in her life.  And all the pain, struggles, trials, happiness, and joyous moments she has went through.  She lost her husband 30 years ago.  She has lost a child.  She has lost all her siblings.  She has seen her child lose a spouse.  She has witnessed births of her own children, grandchildren, great grandchildren, and great great grandchildren.  And that is amazing.  And she sat there, and laughed, and talked, and celebrated along with everyone else.  
She is almost blind, and is a little hard of hearing.  Her memory isn't as good as it used to be - but she still has it.  She lives alone.  My mom and aunts check on her regularly - but she is capable of living alone.  And this is the first time I saw her since Shaun died.  And she hugged me and cried.  And she told me she was so sorry - and that she loved him - and how much she loved me.  And she hugged me different than she have had.  She knows that I have hurt immensely.  And she also knows that I will get through it because I have to.  Just like she did.  So tonight, thank God for my mamaw.  And that she touches more people in her life - just like she did mine.  I love you, Mamaw.

And it's done.

Tonight, I laid my Ravens carpet down.  And I have a big sense of completion.  That was one long and grueling project - the Ravens room, that is.  But boy, Shaun would love it.  I believe he does love it.  And my kiddos love it.  I am happy with it.  Big time.

Yesterday, a friend of mine gave me a book called "Tear Soup".  It's actually a children's book - but it got the point across amazingly.  And this room was little bit of me cooking my tear soup.  I cried.  I laughed.  And whenever I want to have a bowl of my tear soup - I have the perfect room to do it in.  And, it beautiful.  At least to me it is.  There's so much in that room.  Behind the paint.  In the furniture.  It's just perfect to me.

Wow, I can't stand a creeper.

Me and Krissie have a word that we use for certain guys.  And the term is "creeper".  A creeper is a broad word, that covers many categories.  The perverts, the married, the faker, the literal creepy guy, you get where I am going with this.  But, my friend is single.  And she isn't looking for a boyfriend, a husband, nothing like that - but she is open also.  Open to like coffee, dinner, etc.  Now this isn't a singles ad for her - so don't make it one, LOL...  But she said something to me tonight, that made me sad/thankful.  And it was this, "It is really hard to keep faith in men these days.  I guess that's why I am not even worried about it."  And she then tells me about a few acquaintances that almost brag about their infidelity to their spouses.  She sees it at every corner.  And then, in like 9 days - she has literally been approached by quite a few married men.  And it's weird.   And not only does she not date married men - but it offends her - as it would any of us.  Because what is that saying about you, the woman, if a man has no problem alerting you that they are married, but still want a date?  And let's not get this twisted, they aren't just married - they are "happily" married.  Like not divorcing, not separated, just well, dating?  That's just weird, so by default, you are now a creeper.  See how it works?  It's like they want a wife and a girlfriend. Like it's a fashion trend or something. That's just rude.  And greedy.  And well, degrading to the  person you ask out.  And her friend, because she is codependent.  That's how we roll.

So here is the question that I pose?  When did this become so mainstream?  When did people openly flaunt such an action?  I don't get it.  I am not trying to judge anyone, I am just posing a question.  And, it breaks my heart for my dear friend.  She deserves a man of her own.  A man that will love her, protect her,  lead her home, provide for her, and be a partner in life with her.   Where did that mentality go?  I want her to have what  I had.  And Shaun and I weren't perfect - by any means - but we were happy together.  I just don't get people.  I really don't.  And maybe, sometimes, I don't want to understand - I'm starting to think that too.

I want my peace garden to be green.

I am a lucky lady.  Big time.  I listened to this tonight - and for the first time, I didn't sob uncontrollably.  I cried - but I didn't puke or anything.  What an amazing man.  An amazing voice.  What a fire he had.  More people need that.  To stop the complaining.  Stop the pessimism.  And be thankful.  Because when you think what you have today isn't enough - tomorrow it could be less.  Gratitude grows peace.  And I want my garden to be green.  And instead of being angry that he is gone - I am making a conscience effort tonight to be thankful that I had him.  To let gratitude take over anger and want.  And be content where I am today.  And, in this moment, I am content.

A big bowl of noodle.

So, tonight, I was blessed again.  I got to talk to an old and dear friend - and well, she's fantastic.  She was making cookies in her kitchen, and we just chatted about old times.  She knew me when Shaun and I first met - and the day after I met him, I drug her to UNO's to scope him out.  Her and her husband helped me and Shaun so much.  Not only with their friendship, but anyway possible.  When I was pregnant with Jacoby, she brought me a gazillion boxes of diapers.  I don't think Shaun and I purchased diapers until Jacoby was 6 months old.  She has always been someone I could talk to - and she would be straight up.  We have been through a lot together over the past five years.  And I am so thankful that she is a part of my life.  Just another person who helped make me who I am today.
And I am so proud of her - she has started her own business here in Fredericksburg, doing what she loves.  (Her and her husband already had one, but she isn't one who slows easily.)  So, now - they are multi business owners and doing amazing.  And it makes me smile.  She is a good wife, a good momma, and a smart business lady - and I love her for that.  And, I know, no matter what - she will be successful in all she does.  She used to call Shaun "pinky", and he called her "the brain".  Then, it switched to big bowl of noodle.  So, in my days of learning to be content, I am more than content.  I am grateful.  Grateful, because tonight, I realized again how blessed I have been in my life.  I have had the honor of knowing this beautiful lady.  And she will always be my big bowl of noodle.  And I will always love her dearly.

Check out her cakes and such... They are quite fantastic - and she is here in the Fredericksburg area....
http://www.facebook.com/pages/Sugar-High-Inc/195005547216957

Not Stranger Danger - Anger Danger

This morning, I was angry.  Quite angry.  Someone that I know - an acquaintance really, said something to me in an email, that hurt my feelings.  And, because it hurt my feelings - I got angry.  And I shouldn't have even let it get me upset in the least.  It was really an unimportant statement, that was an issue within them, not me.  And it really didn't even affect me at all - so I have no clue why it hurt my feelings.  I am a softy that way, I guess.  The term crybaby could be inserted here and be quite applicable.  And to be honest, I don't know why.  I don't know why, I let the criticism of one - overpower the support of thousands.  And it wasn't even criticism, I don't guess.  It was, well, it was weird.  And that got me thinking.  Why do we do that?  Why do we allow ourselves to be so wrapped up in the opinions of others, that we forget that we answer only to one.  Why do we allow negativity to bring us down.  Especially, when we have so much support?
This question, I do not know the answer to.  Maybe people want to see us fail.  Maybe they will.  Maybe, deep down, we are afraid that we will.  But, as a wise man once said, be content.  I am going to celebrate every victory that I have.  Whether it be big or small. And just be happy, that today, I am here.  That today, I have people who love and support me - and not everyone is going to do that.  And I will be happy for that.  Because even if, the whole world doesn't support me - the ones who matter to me most do.  So why do I care?  So now, I am thankful for that email.  Because it made me realize - that all I can do is my best.  And I answer to no one but God, myself, and my kids.  And maybe, just maybe, that's something that I needed to happen, so I could figure this one out on my own.
I miss Shaun so much.  He was such a support - such a level head - such a cheerleader for me.  With him, I knew nothing was impossible.  And no matter what, big or small, he would say, "We got this, baby girl."  Well, he's still here.  I have a beautiful boy to look at everyday that's his spitting image.  I have Tariq and Isabella - who laugh and talk about him all the time.  And guess what?  "We got this, kiddos.  No worries."  It's my job now, to pick up where he left off.  And I got this, I got to.  Thanks baby, you are still around - you are keeping this head of mine level and positive.  I love you for that, so much.


Here's a video I saw by Steven Furtick today.  And it made me feel validated.  This is something I could hear Shaun say.  We often only see our own sides.  I might not see theirs - but I will try to respect that there is another side - besides my own.

Heart and "Soul"....

So, I had a great day.  I got a new car!  Woo hoo!  Today I got a Kia Soul - and I am so excited!  Shaun and I both loved those cars for me.  And now, I am a proud owner of a car with only 30 miles on it.  I have been completely blessed.  I can now travel and not worry if my car is gonna blow... Which is one fantastic feeling.  I am pretty sure - Shaun is looking down and smiling at me.  He'd be so happy.

And I went by Jacqueline's house to show her my car - and she pointed to the name.  The "Soul".  And she said, "That fits you - all you need is a heart before the name.  And it made me smile.  Heart and Soul.  That's me.  Through and through.

Greatly Missed...

I find that I cry and get sad at the most unexpected moments.  I want to tell everyone I meet about Shaun.  And sometimes, I laugh.  I remember good moments and smile.  Sometimes, I remember those good moments and they make me a sad.  Today I have had both.  But luckily, I have my best friend here beside me tonight, to reminisce with.  And tell stories back and forth - and we can both laugh and cry.  Thanks Krissie, you really are a rock to me - more than you will ever know.

Boy, I love shoes.

So, if you know me - you know I love shoes.  And not just any shoes, that have to be super cool - super high - and a bit of the beaten track.  The shoes have to make the outfit.  And tonight, I have been looking for purple heels - to wear with my Ravens gear.  And although I have found a zillion pairs of purple heels - I haven't found "the" pair.  I found another pair - which are fabulous - but still not the purple ones.  And as I am picking through these zillions of pairs of shoes online, I started laughing.  First, if you knew Shaun - he was as much of shoe hound as I am.  So he respected my love for shoes - and never complained about it - he actually encouraged it.  I am not a girl who wants flowers, candy, roses, etc.  I like shoes - so that's what he did.
But then I could hear him in my head saying, "Pick one.  There are a ton out there.  Just Pick one.  You are being too picky.  Get one, and if you don't like it - return it."  And, my answer still, as it was then - is No.  I am going to wait - until I find the perfect pair of Purple pumps.  And now, It will make me laugh a little more as I search.  And I bet when I find the perfect pair - he would loved them.  That's the way that normally went. I love you Shaun!

The Life of a Single Momma....

That's something I never thought I would be - a single mom.  I feel like there is a such a stereotype behind it.  She's a "single mother"....  Poor lady.  Well, I am one.  So I might as well rock it.  So many single moms don't have it as lucky as I do.  Tariq and Isabella have one amazing father.  He loves them, cares for them, calls me to check on them - and helps anyway he can.  He visits them every chance he gets - he listens to them.  Our marriage didn't work - but that doesn't change that he is a very stellar, stand-up man.  A man that any parent would be proud to call their child.  And I am proud that he is their father.  He loved Shaun.  He loved that Shaun loved his children.  Who wouldn't?  Don't we as parents think that everyone should love our kids?  Of course.  And Shaun loved Tariq and Isabella like they were his own.  And he treated them just that way.  Once, when I was talking to Ali about it - he said, "I am their dad.  So is Shaun.  They are lucky, they got two.  Some kids don't have any."  And when Shaun died, he came here that day.  A twelve hour car trip.  Dropped his life, to help his kiddos and me.  I will always  appreciate that.

So today, I had the realization what the life of a single mother of three is like.  I ran around like a chicken with my head cut off since 5:45 am.  And it's 9:20pm now, and I am still in my work clothes.  But, I went to work, got the kids to school.  Picked each child up after work, from their locations.  Got Bella to the orthodontist, Tariq to Guitar.  Went to Rite Aid to  pick up medicine for Bella's teeth.  Picked up Tariq from guitar.  Got dinner ready.  Children fed.  All bathed.  Laundry washed - a load in the dryer.  Dishes done.  Vacuumed.  House picked up, and trash out.  All I didn't have a chance to do was mow - and I will get that done tomorrow.  And it's a lot.  And I am so thankful that I have the opportunity to do it.  So, tonight, I will go to bed thankful.  One, that Shaun showed me what needs to be done - and how to do it all while maintaining a cool head.  Two, that I have children that are a blessing in and of themselves.  Three, I have a God who is always there - to cool my head, if it starts getting heated or stressed.  Four, I have an amazing support system.  My friends, family, church, work - and they are all intertwined.  And Five, this is for you Ali - I am thankful for you.  Thank you for being a good dad.  Thank you for loving Jacoby like he is yours, just like Shaun loved Tariq and Bella.  ( And here is a bit of my life that I don't normally share so much - Ali came to see the kids this weekend, and he made a buddy - Jacoby.  And he played with him, held him, and loved him.  And it made me smile.  And made Tariq and Bella smile.  And made Jacoby cackle that gorgeous baby laugh.)  And I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that Shaun is looking at Ali - and saying, "Thanks man, I love you bro."  I know it sounds dysfunctional and crazy.  But hey, it works for us.

Waiting is the hardest part....

So, today = no bueno.  I fell right back into some mega pit of despair.  Yep, that would describe it.  A pit.  A big hole - with marble walls - where no matter how hard you climb - there's nothing to grab onto -nothing to help you out.  And you feel like the bottom is sinking lower.  But then, all of a sudden - it feels like someone is lifting you out.  Kind of like pulling - but with a zillion hands that you can't see.  And they get you out of the hole.  Which is great.  But what you know is this.  Although they all pull you out - you are teetering on the edge of that hole - and you don't know when you are gonna fall in again.  And it's a scary feeling.

I love him so much.  And the word is Love - not lovED. And I miss him.  And this is not where I thought my life would be at this point.  I really didn't.  I thought I would be working, right alongside Shaun, and raising the kids.  But now, I am alone.  And it's scary.  But that's not the bad part.  It's the absolute missing them.  And you can't do anything about it.  You can't go visit.  You can't catch a plane.  You are here - they are there - and that's the way it will be for an uncertain amount of time.  And then, you look forward to the day that you see them again - and that sounds morbid - because that means you are dead.  And you don't want to be dead - because you have three amazing kids that you want to be with. 

I can't wait to see his smile again.  My troubles disappearred when I saw it.  I can't wait to hear him sing again.  I miss hearing it in the shower.  I can't wait to hear him laugh, and make a silly face, like he can.  I can't wait to see him old his kids.  I can't wait to dance with him again - and know it will never end this time.  I can't wait to feel his kiss again.  I know that day is coming, I'm just going to have to wait.  I bet it will be a beautiful reunion.  My goodness, I love him.  And thank goodness God is so faithful to us - when he gives and when he takes away - how can I not be faithful, too?

My baby's first haircut.

So tonight, I decided that I really was gonna have to cut Jacoby's hair.  It was bad.  In the back, his little curls were all matted up because of the baby fine hair.  So I decided today to do it.  And I cried.  Because once again, there was a milestone that his daddy wasn't here for.  And the day he died, he was going to take Jacoby for his first haircut.  I hadn't cut it since then because of that.  But Shaun would look at me and tell me to quite being silly, and to cut his son's hair.  And what a blessing I got when I did.  I am sure all of you mommas of little boys  know what I mean.  The second that you cut off those baby fine hairs, and you see the glimpse of the man that they are gonna be.  They go from looking like an infant, to looking like a toddler.  And I can look at my twelve year old - and wow - I remember his first haircut.  And how cute he looked after - and how he still looks the same.  And I know that the same is true for Jacoby.  And what I saw when I cut Jacoby's hair, was well, Shaun.  The look - the shape of the eyes, the lips.  I think he is gonna be like his daddy and grandpa.  They are all gonna look the same.  And I am thankful for it.
This isn't where I ever thought I would be.  It's a place that I wouldn't wish on anyone - but I am so thankful for my kids.  It's amazing how a simple thing like a haircut can make you feel like you can move mountains.  God amazes me daily in all he does.  Just when I think I am standing on my own two feet, he shows me that he is still carrying me.

Sunday Evening...

Sundays make me sad.  Today is really no different.  I look forward to Sunday mornings all week long.  And then, that's over. And now there is football on - and Shaun and I completely did the whole football thing together.  And then when it gets this time of night, I realize another week has gone by.   And that makes me sad.  I guess, in a way, it makes me smile, that is one week closer to seeing him again.  But I still miss him so much.  I want to be positive, and have a great, life changeing thought.  But, I don't.  I am just sad.  I miss him.  And that's where I am at.  Sad.  I will be okay tomorrow.  I am sure of it.  I always am.  I am gonna wear some great shoes, go to work, and next thing ya know, I will be here next sunday.  God willing, that is.  Love you guys... and I don't know where my last nights post went.  Hmmm... Let me see if I can find it. 

Pondering in the Tanning Bed....

So, today I went tanning.  I know it's bad - blah blah - but I like it.  And it makes me smile - because I think I must be Vitamin D deficient.  And I am not drinking milk because it makes me gag.  So, now that that's covered, I was laying there, in total warmth - and thinking about the last time I was there at that salon.  And it was with Shaun.  (He was quite metro, and yes - he tanned.  And I love him for it.)  But, I digress.  And I was laying there - I could vividly remember us going in, taking turns, watching the kids - to get our tan on.  But, I had another memory - so I am telling you about, maybe so I don't forget later on in life.  I remembered Shaun brushing his teeth.  I know it seems weird.  But he would always brush his teeth last, after I was already in bed.  But he would stand in the doorway and brush them.  And it felt like he brushed them a really long time, and he would talk, in a weird voice full of spit.  And I would always clown on him for it - and he would laugh.  And once he would spit - he would show his teeth, lick his lips, and give a "orbits gum" type smile.  And then I realized how much I missed that - and my heart dropped to my stomach a little.
I know he would laugh because that got me sentimental.  But he would hug me, too.  It's such a weird place to be - to be thankful for random memories - when they also break your heart all over again.  It's weird to be so thankful that you were madly in love, still are.  But you heart breaks every time you think about it.  I don't believe that this is the way it's meant to be.  And it's hard trying to get through it.

Promise of a New Day...

Isn't it fantastic, every morning when we wake up that we have a new start.  A fresh beginning.  A way to start all over and new.  And we might carry some things from yesterday into tomorrow - but it is still a new beginning.  I am going to try to quit complaining about having to get up so early and going to bed so late.  Because, everyday is new - and everyday I am still here.  So everyday, I can be thankful.  I miss my Shaun so very much it hurts.  But, I also know - there isn't one thing that I would have changed between us.  We were quite happy.  And I can still be happy - because I was blessed to have him.

Sweet Memories.

Sweet memories are everywhere.  Everywhere in this house - through friends, the computer, the phone - everywhere.  And tonight I am thankful for sweet memories.  Memories that will cause me to never forget. Thankful that Shaun was such a powerful presence, that everyone remembers clearly their moments with him.  I talked to an old friend tonight, who knew Shaun.  And we laughed.  We talked about times past, and they made me smile.  I was so loved.  So dearly cherished by that man.  It's scary walking through this life without him by my side.  But I know that he is always there.  I have his little boy.  And he will carry on the memory of his daddy and make him proud.  I have two sweet kids who adored him.  And those kids will always remember how much they were loved by him.  We will keep his spirit alive.  God blesses us with such complex brains - and so much of them we don't use.  But it's neat, how a song - someone - a smell, whatever - can stimulate a memory that   you thought was long forgotten.

What's black and white and red all over?

Well, there are a lot of answers to this question.  But today, I found a paper.  An essay Shaun had written.  If you don't know, he had a drive to become a  pastor.  Anyway, this is what he was addressing - and it's weird, because my sister and I were discussing this just last night.   So Cassie, Shaun agrees - just so you know.  But, we were talking about churches.  Religion.  Faith.  God's Calling.  Yup, me and Cassie can get pretty deep.  But this is something that I found at my church home, that I don't think is the norm.  Acceptance.  If you believe in God, then you believe he is the creator.  If you believe in God, you believe that he put everything on this planet.  So, in turn, God created every, single solitary person.  And he loves them.  So, that person that you think is trashy, or arrogant, or rude - God loves them just as much as he loves you.  The "tattooed freak with gauges" - God loves them.  And we, as Christians, often are the world's worst at casting judgement.  God made everyone of us unique - and isn't is amazing that he did?  If it wasn't for our uniqueness - wow, our world would be boring.  And is a church service a new country club? (I stole that from Shaun's essay).  But wow it's true.  Why aren't we in the trenches - asking everyone that we know to go.  Sharing.  Letting them know our beliefs.  Letting them know that we aren't perfect, we aren't worthy, but we are saved.  We are human - all of us.  We have all made mistakes - all of us.  And why do people judge the wrapper of a person?  Here is a morbid thought - if the outside is different, what if you burnt you and them both - flesh gone - could you identify who is who?  So here is a quote that I am gonna end this with - and I hope it makes you think as much as it did me.

"The greatest single cause of atheism in the world today is Christians.  Christians who acknowledge Jesus with their lips, and walk out the door in denial by their lifestyle.  That is what an unbelieving world simply finds unbelieveable."

I will make mistakes.  I am not perfect.  But I will be kind, accepting, and a place for people to come for comfort.  I might not can change the world.  But I can sure try, one heart at a time.  And I bet this - they will help me more than I do them.  As Christians, we need to get a backbone.  Stick up for God, Jesus, your co-workers, friends, and strangers.  Black, white, or red.  We are all the same, on the inside. Love you Shaun, you are still making me think.

Back at it.

Okay, so I had little bitty baby blogs the past two days.  But I was quite the busy girl - and I am still a busy girl, but - I got a little more time now.  First, I just want to say thank you for everyone's support and help through the past three months.  Without you - I couldn't have made it.  Not for a second.  And thank you for reading my blog and giving me such positive feedback.  That has also helped me a ton.  But in my life group, we have been talking about honor.  And I want to thank you all - because you have made me feel honored.  I have so many positive people in my life, it's hard not to be positive in return.

I also want to give a bit of advice.  Honor your spouse.  Your husband or wife is the most important person in your world.  They are your life partner.  Shaun always made me feel first in the human realm.  I did my best to make sure he felt like he was first.  The difference that can make in a marriage is undeniable.  Try not to scream.  Screaming is bad.  I am a screamer.  But try not too... you will feel better.  I promise. (As Pastor Daniel says, that was for free.)

And here is another epiphany I had - once again, in my life group.  You know, how in the Bible, it always says to fear God?  I don't think it's meant as the whole hellfire and brimstone that we often associate it with.  But here was my comparison.  And yes, it's related to football - (which my husband would greatly respect.)  When the Ravens played the Steelers - I was nervous.  Afraid.  I wanted to win.  And the reason that I was nervous and afraid, was because I know what a skilled team they are.  I mean, I walk around talking about how they suck - and their fans are dumb - etc.  But fact of the matter is - they are good - and there is a high chance that we could lose against them.  (Stick with me here.)  So here is my thought on fearing God.  I fear him out of honor, love, and adoration.  He is something that I can't compare myself to.  His love is infinite, his grace - well, you know.  And someone that is so perfect is intimidating.  Because no matter what you do, you will never even compare.  And it's awesome.  And I'm thankful.

So, here is where I am at today.  A child saved.  A widow that will get to see the love of her life again - and not only that, spend eternity with him.   God is with me - so nothing of this earth will ever get me down, not for long anyway.  Because I am blessed.  Beyond belief.  Isn't everyone?  You just have to see it.  Love you all.

Hard work does a heart good.

So, I have been busting my butt for the past two days.  And I am so glad I did.  My Raven's room is quite fantastic!  I still have a long ways to go - but I see mega progress.  I am so thankful to you Krissie - for all your help!

Shaun would love this room.  So much.  I will blog a real blog tomorrow - trust - I have a lot to say from this weekend, but for tonight - I am gonna get some sleep.  Love you guys!

Ravens Room

Tonight we are making a Raven's Room !  I am covered in paint, hot and tired.  But - pictures are soon to come.  Got some great friends helping me make this happen!  Love you guys!

Birthdays and Presents....

It has definitely been three months today - not four.  But it all still remains the same.  That being said, I had a relatively good day.  Only cried a handful of times.  And tonight, I went to dinner with my amazing and beautiful friend Jacqueline, and her family, in celebration of her son Ian's birthday.  So, on a day that was kind of dark and sad for me - there was a little rainbow named Ian.  And eight years ago today, an amazing little man was born.  A carefree, witty, talented artist, enthusiastic, caring little boy.  A little boy who has hugged me so sincerely when Shaun died - that kind of hug that only a child can give.  The type of hug, where they are really trying to heal your heart - and take all the pain away.  A little boy, who isn't stifled by the main stream - he marches to beat of a different drummer, and it's the most beautiful song I have ever heard.

So, tonight, I believe that Shaun was looking down celebrating with us.  Thankful for that little boy's hug.  Thankful for the love that him and Isabella share as best buddies.  Thankful for the love and friendship - the siamese relationship of Jacqueline and I.  And I'm sure that he was happy, that once again on a day that I felt sad - this little boy caused me a great deal of joy - and all he had to do was enter the world eight years ago today.  No one knew, the day he was born - myself included - that he would make me smile so much.  I strive to be more like that child.  He's taught me a great deal.  So tonight, I want to say thank you to Ian Covert - because on your birthday - you gave me one spectacular present.  You gave me you.  I love you - just like you are my own.  Happy 8th birthday to one amazing person.  May God Bless you - and all who know you - by giving you many more.

4 months tomorrow..

Tomorrow it will be four months.  I don't know how.  It definitely doesn't seem possible - not even plausible.  That was the worst day of my life.  The reality of how four months ago, right now - I was happy.  My life was perfect.  Almost textbook perfect.  And within hours from this instant - it would be rocked to the core.  I had smiled at people a billion zillion times - but the second I met Shaun, my heart took over and smiled for the first time.  And here's the thing...  the smiles that I make now - are still Shaun. Through his life, and also his death, he taught me what it is to cherish a moment.  Listen, laugh, love, have fun, wear weird shoes - live your dream.  Dance if you want to.  Listen to weird music that everyone makes fun of.  Do headstands.  Love like you can't love any harder.  Make sure everyone knows how much you care about them.  Be the difference in someone's life that day.  Don't be mean.  Not that I am perfect on any of those - but at least now I try, but with Shaun - I didn't have to try.  It came naturally to me.  I wanted to make him feel loved - and wanted to make me feel loved.  And it worked.  It was us.  Always will be.
I've looked through some pictures, and I haven't really posted many on here - but the ones down the side, I can still feel myself in those moments.  That's why they are there.  But, there isn't room for them all - so I am going to share a few - that, well, I haven't.  I hope you see a glimpse of the man that I love and adore - with all of my heart.  And, tonight, I want to thank God for giving him to me for the short time he did.  Because my life is better for it.  God has given me so many gifts - that I don't deserve.  And I am thankful for every single one - and he is the one who has carried me through this - and he still is.

This is one of the text messages I saved... I have almost all of them... but I was willing to share this one... 

:-)

This is when I had my gal bladder removed.  I woke up, and looked over, and there he was sleeping in a chair.  And I knew how much he loved me... and was so thankful he was there.

Less than a month before he died - what he wrote on my Facebook wall.  I know that he never knew then, how much I would cherish those few words forever.

When I saw him a new light for the first time.  This massive man, so in love, and so scared, by such a tiny little person.  I saw a side of him in this moment that I had never seen before.  Might not be the best picture, but I will always cherish it.  I know what it means.

This is the epitome of Shaun.  This is who he was.  Sports, dancing, and a family man.  I remember when I took this, after the song was over - I showed it to him.  And told him what I just wrote.  He leaned over and kissed me and said - "That's right baby... that's all I need.  Heart and Soul... Now, you gonna kiss me back?  I gotta go to the bathroom - Take Jacoby!"

This picture makes me cry.  It's my favorite.  I wish everyone knew what a good daddy he was.  I wish Jacoby knew how much his daddy truly adored him.  

Little Memories...

Tonight I was going through videos on my iPhone, because I filmed one of Jacoby today.  It just stemmed me to start looking at them.  And then I found a couple videos that I had saved that Shaun had sent me.  Shaun is filming the whole time, but you can hear him talking.  One of the videos, is of Jacoby, walking all by himself in Wal-Mart.  It was right when Jacoby first started walking, and so, to us - it was quite a big deal.  At the end - Shaun says into the speaker, "I love you, baby."  Well, I looked at my phone and started straight ugly crying.  Picture it - Kids run in all directions - Tariq runs to hug me - Bellla sprints upstairs to get the Kleenex's, and Jacoby just sits at my feet and holds my big toe. (I don't know why he does that - but he does it every time I cry.  I think it's sweet.  Almost like that is the only part of me that he can completely hold in his little hand - so that's what he does.)  They all ask me the normal, "Are you okay?  I'm so sorry... etc."  But what I told them was this.  It wasn't just that I miss Shaun as to why I was  crying.  Time goes so quickly.  It seems like yesterday, Shaun was here, we were laughing and kissing - talking about Jacoby's future and his first "football themed" party.  What Happened?  I still sit in shock and disbelief most nights.  Nights are the worst.  Nighttime is when you feel completely alone.  Nighttime is when you realize that everyone is either asleep, or snuggled up with their loved ones, getting ready for bed - and you are alone.  Nighttime is hard.  I wonder if I will ever have another good night.

I am blessed, I know.  But sometimes, I still get sad.  Sad for myself - sad for my kids - sad for a lot.  I guess it's been a little bit of a sad night.

I saw the light!

So, tonight, I changed a light fixture.  Changing a light fixture is a two man job.  I truly believe that.  But, I did it by myself.  Now don't get me wrong, Tariq was shining a light, handing me a screwdriver, and running back and forth - he helped a lot.  And I did text a picture of my wires and stuff to a friend of mine, and they told me what to do from there.  But, the physical labor of it all - that was this girl.  And here is another newsflash - if you are doing "Jillian Michaels 30 Day Shred", and you are only on day 2 - your arms hurt.  Might not be the best day to change a light fixture over your head.  I think I must have felt like Moses carrying the ten commandments.  That was a workout.

But I think Shaun would have been proud.  He did that stuff for me.  Well, let's be honest, he did everything for me.  But I learned something about myself tonight, and that stinking light fixture.  First, you can really do anything you set your mind to.  Second, don't be afraid to ask for help - most folks are glad to do so.  Third, don't be afraid to be the helper.  My twelve year old helped me a ton.  If he wasn't there, it would have made my job a lot harder, a lot more climbing up and down, and a lot more frustration.  There is nothing wrong with being "subservient" to someone.   Especially if they appreciate it.  I am going to try to remember that when I am doing what I consider a "menial" task.  I want to do it with heart like Tariq's was.  Eager to help, ready to do whatever I ask, and he did it because he loves me and wanted to help me.  I have one amazing kid..(well, three, but you get what I am saying.)

So tonight, I made a point a to hug him a little harder, tell him how much I love him, and how much it meant to me that he helped.  He looked at me and laughed.  Then he said, "Apparently, you didn't listen to Pastor Daniel's message on Sunday.  You missed a piece."  And sure enough I had.  My pastor made an analogy on Sunday, about when you put furniture together, etc. you need all the pieces.   It's never good if you have some extra laying around.  It was just an end piece and an easy fix.  Then he looked at me - kissed me - and said, "I am so proud of you momma.  I knew you could do it."  I told him that I couldn't have done it without him.  He said, "You could have, it just wouldn't have been as much fun."  And he's right.  And he had fun, just by helping.  I love that kid - I have been blessed.  And boy, I think tonight Shaun is looking down on both of us smiling.

Distracted...

So, I was completely distracted today.  Have you ever had one of those days?  Where you try to focus, and to save your neck - you just can't.  I kept getting lost in my  papers, doing one thing and forgetting why I was doing it.  Completely frustrating.  But I had a zillion thoughts running through my head.  Good thoughts, don't get me wrong, but thoughts nonetheless.  And tonight, I was thinking about what I was gonna blog about - I got distracted.  Go figure.  So I took that as a sign to go for this topic.

What makes us distracted?  ADD does.  I know that one.  But I don't have ADD.  But boy, Shaun did - big time. And you know how he handled his ADD?  Notes.  Notes everywhere.  He had a hindrance, something that he struggled with daily, and he found a way to make it work in his life.  His "disability" turned into one of his best character traits.  He didn't put off much.  If he knew something needed to be done - he did it right then, for fear he would get distracted.  If it was impossible for him to do at the moment - he would send himself an email, write a note, or text it to me - so he could see it later.  He was quite ingenious that way.  Shaun didn't have the "benefit" of being lazy.  Because it was a true fact that if he didn't do it right then, it might not ever cross his mind again.  Or at least not until it was to late.

He also wanted to be involved in everything - that's something I noticed about him.  He knew that if he had an idea, and it was a good one, he wanted to see it played out.  He kept me inline too.  He kept me focused.  To be with a man like that, frankly you have to be or you will go crazy.  But I see myself still doing the things that he used to do.  I guess when they say that you can't catch ADD, you kinda can.  And boy, I am glad I did.  Because I wouldn't want it to be any other way. I love you Shaun.  So much.

A pair of shoes that broke my heart.

I love shoes.  Adore them even - never met a pair I didn't like.  But today, a pair of shoes broke my heart.  Me and my friend Brooke were searching my house high and low for staples for a staple gun.  And we go into the hall closet.  Well, after Shaun died - people brought a lot of paper products, and we just began storing them in that closet.  So, my sewing box is in there, and I thought, "Hmmm... could I have put them in there?"  So I open the closet door.  Start moving all the toilet paper, paper towels, etc. to the garage.  But then, on the floor of the closet, I find Shaun's red and white tennis shoes.  Size 12 boats, that he wore with a red polo and look absolutely gorgeous.  And it almost hit me - he's not going to wear those again.  He's not coming back home.  And I cried and cried.  And, also in that closet - I found the Ravens flag that he bought for our new house.  I'd looked for it - but didn't know where he had put it because we were planning to move.  So, it is now hanging proudly on our front porch.

I can't believe that he is gone.  Still I can't.  This is the first breakdown like this I have had for awhile.  I left the shoes in that exact spot.  I can't bear to move them.  He was so proud when he bought them.  He thought they were his "preppy" tennis shoes... and they were.  He was so absolutely amazing.  So, a pair of shoes broke my heart - but the man who were them gave me a heart full of love that now is capable of breaking.  So, I am thankful to him for that.  But, my goodness, I miss him so much.