What a week....

It's interesting what a week can bring.  And yet, although it has brought a lot - I am back here - writing again.  A level of comfort for me I guess.  I have been criticized for blogging everyday - so I tried to back off - but now, I think I am going to say kiss it.  It helps me - so don't judge.  What works for some, doesn't others. 
Here's a synopsis of my last week.  I have been miserable.  Thanksgiving, although was precious because I got to share it with friends and my kiddos - was horrible.  I was miserable.  Sad.  The day felt like it would never end.  And I just wanted it to be over - or start it over with Shaun beside me.  We had so much fun last thanksgiving.  We visited my parents in Tennessee, we went black Friday shopping, we rode a mule through the woods - it was wonderful.  And this year I felt empty.  I really did.  And don't get me wrong - I am thankful for all I have.  But just because you are thankful for all you do have - doesn't mean that you don't mourn the one you lost.  And mourning can be overwhelming.
Mourning can also make you sick.  I've learned that.  You must eat.  And keep it down (not to be gross).  I got sick.  Ran a fever.  Apparently, all vitamins, minerals, etc. - was bottoming out.  So now - I am on meds and trying my best to keep food in me.  I never had the issue of eating, or not wanting to - I should say.  A whole new problem.  Not to mention, all the other stuff that's been going on.  I guess this is what I am saying.  It is still hard.  Very hard.  And It hasn't gotten easier.  It breaks my heart everyday.  Everyday I pray that I will wake up and it will be June 22 - and he won't die - and all this will be a bad dream.  And everyday, I wake up - and my nightmare is my reality.  And everyday, I have to digest it again.  So keep praying for me - because it's hard.  God has been so good to me.  And prayers are what have gotten me through it.  I still need those prayers - you have no idea how much they help.  Love you guys.

A lot of things that have been on my mind.... Happy Thanksgiving...

Thanksgiving is Stupid.  A lot of my close friends will laugh about that because how often I have said it lately.  And I don't really and truly mean it.  I mean it in the  pity party kind of way.  But today, I saw the joy on my coworkers faces - excited about a day off - excited to see family - and it made me happy for them.  So, I started to think about the things that I am truly thankful for.  And I think it's cute - they way a lot of folks have been putting things that they are thankful for the whole month of November.  And I have seen a lot - from post it's, pens, hoodies, children, love, and my fav - God's Love.  Then, I saw a snide comment - where someone made fun of the whole thing for someone being thankful for something that they see as trivial.  Here is my thought on that - nothing in this world is trivial if someone is thankful for it.  It's awesome to be thankful for the little things - because sometimes, in situations like mine, the little things are the ones that I can easily recognize.  Such as pens - I am thankful for pens - I really am.  If it wasn't for pens, how would I do my work?  How would I write on post-it's to make someone smile?  How would I be able to write down a random memory quickly - so I know I will never forget it again?  See what I mean?  It's more than a pen to me - it's a way to preserve memories.  It's a way to provide support for my family.  A way to bring a smile to someone. All in a little plastic case.

So, I decided to list a few things - share a few things about my hubby - so everyone can see how thankful I am to have had him.  So here we go.
1. He always kissed my temple anytime I was standing near him.  Right at my hairline.
2. The way he would alternate JOOP! and Guess Cologne (and sometimes mix it up with the one that looks like it's in a cigar bottle).  And he always smelled delicious.
3.  He was incredibly sexy.  Tattoos, ears pierced, and tough.  But inside, the kindest spirit I have ever known.  He would do anything for anyone.
4.  The man could dance.  Amazingly.  He took me dancing.  And when I got tired, he would pick me up(which isn't a small feat), and carry me.
5.  We were a yin and  yang.  Completely opposites, but totally the same.  Literally like my other half.
6.  The he loved music.  All types - but would try to act hard core when we first met - only listening to "gangsta rap" - then come to find out - he liked it all.
7.  To go with that one, the way he always got an inner city accent the second we rolled into Baltimore.  Without fail.  Always.  And it would crack me up - so, I decided I would get one, too.  And then he would tell me how ridiculous I sounded - and I still say - MY POINT EXACTLY SHAUN!!! (And he would grin, kiss me, and keep talking like that.)
8.  He loved some football - and so did I - and we had a blast with it.
9.  We used to sit in the garage, while Jacoby was napping on Sunday afternoons, and talk about the sermon from that day.
10.  The way he always had us pray before we ate.  Even if we were in the car - he'd reach around so we all had to hold hands.
11.  He had an addiction to craigslist.  It was hilarious.
12.  He had a hairy chest.  And it was gorgeous.  And I love it.
13.  The way it rocked my world the way he sounded when he told me he loved me the first time, and I knew  he meant it.
14.  He scratched my back almost every night when I went to bed.  Just to help me sleep.
15.  He would be offended if I gave him a peck.  He expected a real kiss every time.
16.  He loved playing scrabble - and beating me - which he always beat me in scrabble.
17.  How he cackled when I painted one wall in the closet purple - and hugged me  - informed me I was crazy, and said that's why he loved me.  Didn't get mad - just laughed.
18.  How he got so mad and Madden - the video game.
19.  The way he made my heart feel like it would beat out of my chest when I saw him.
20.  Easter sunday this year - he had on a black sweater vest,  plaid shirt, a skinny tie - aviator sunglasses - and Nike high tops that were black and white.  I was volunteering, and he walked in - and I thought, "Wow - that guy is gorgeous! " Then I realized it was my husband, and I was so  proud - and I ran and told him. And he said, "Why you looking at other guys and thinking they are cute?" - he said it playfully.  I told him, "I tried too, and it still ended up being you - "  And then his response? "Good save baby, I got nothing on that - and you are quite gorgeous yourself" - and he leaned down and kissed me. (And he smelled like JOOP! that day.)
21.  They way he loved my kids just as much as his.  And would have died for them in an instant.
22.  They way he made me feel safe and secure.  They way he showed me what love was.  They way he lead me and the kids.  His love for God.

I feel him everywhere.  There is always a side of my bed that's empty.  A chair that's empty.  I don't want to miss a moment with him.  It hurts because I am.  He gave my life direction.  I believed in him, still do.  And he always blew my mind with his capabilities.   He made me feel like I could conquer the world.  I was, for the first time, completely and truly myself with another person. I am so happy and proud, that the world got to see that he picked me.  That's the biggest honor that I have ever been given.  He's my angel now - but always the love of my life, and always my husband.  

I am a "knower"....

Okay, so here is something weird.  I really think God didn't want me to most my blog last night because he wanted me to write about something else.... So here it is.  First and foremost, a little back history.  Jacqueline and I were talking about faith - and why I believe what I believe.  And then I realized something.  I don't like the term "believer".  Because my faith isn't just something that I believe in - I know it.  I know 2+2=4.  So, I know what God has done for me.  I know how he changed my life.  I know how he changed my husbands life.
This past few days have been horrible.  I have cried at the drop of a hat.  Everything makes me feel extremely lonely.  I miss him.  He made me feel alive.  And I have prayed and cried and prayed and cried.  And I am still here - writing this tonight.  I have been praying for this - I consider myself in a way an amputee.  I have lost a part of me that I will never get back.  And although, I might walk around and smile. I might laugh.  I sing.  I play with my kids.  I am never going to be completely whole again.  I might learn to live with it - but I am not the same.  
But I also know this.  God is working all of these emotions, hardships, and trials - to make something beautiful.  He needed Shaun.  I am not sure why, and I will probably never know, but he needed him.  And I know that God hears my prayers.  I know he knows how hurt I am, and he wants me to heal as I can.  But he is using this.  And using me.  I have learned things about myself through this that I never knew.  I have learned things about God, my faith, that I never knew existed.  I have learned sad things, too.  Such as, how a holiday doesn't seem like something fun anymore.  It is almost like rubbing salt in a wound.  I have learned that being the only parent in a house is demanding.  I have learned how good my memory is.  How a smell, a look from Jacoby, a conversation - can stir up a whole new memory in my mind.  And I am so thankful for those.  I have a lot in front of me right now.  A lot that I am trying to do - a balancing act, if you will.  But, please - keep me in your prayers this week.  I know I will get through it - I just dread it.  And I want you to know, how madly, deeply, and passionately I am still in love with him.  I think of him 1000 times a day.

Why do I look the way I do?

That's a question that I have been asked a few times.... and here's my answer - Publicly.  So, I would assume there is not a reason to ask anymore.  I watched a video by a buddy of mine, Bill Harris, and a the best tattoo artist here in Fredericksburg.  Bill is a local artist here, who is phenomenal- and Kenny - is an amazing tattoo artist.  He's been in National Geographic - and can make your dreams come true in a tattoo.  But this is what he said, "He is a softy, and his tattoos are his nerd armor."  Well, my look is my nerd armor.  That's all.  I only want the people who "know me" and "love me" no matter what - inside. To others,  I want to give the appearance to leave me alone.
Because, I am going to break it down for ya.  I am broken.  I am a broken human - and the only reason that I am still on the face of this earth is by the grace of my God.  That's all.  He wants me here for some reason-and what that is specifically,  that I am not sure of.  But he gave me three beautiful children, which I am forever thankful.  So, I am thrilled to be here and teach them the way they should go - but I will not be vulnerable again.  I won't be hurt again if I can help.  I want to be approachable, but I am guarded.  All of this might sound like an oxymoron, and I am quite aware that it does.  But I don't know any other way to say it.
I don't wish what I have been through on anyone, not ever.  But I wish that everyone could understand.  It is a lonely and scary existence.  I would give anything to have him back.  To make my life the way it was 6 months ago.  I was so happy then.  I am so happy for those that knew me then, so at least there is a living and breathing legacy of someone who knew me in the "before".  Knew what I was like when I was happy and unguarded.

But here is who I am now.  I am a guarded woman of three kids.  I will do everything to protect myself, my children, and the legacy of my husband.   I have ambition.  I won't be a 'stupid girl'.    It's up to me to change my future.  And it's gonna be an awesome one.  So let's roll.  I am quite sure I have no idea what my future holds, but I am sure it is going to be fabulous.  Because as long as I have breathe in my body - I will make sure it is.  Even if I do feel at times, like I am dying on the inside.

It's quite odd how life moves on...

I know that "they" say time is constant.  And, I am quite sure that they are right.  I mean, mathematically, it's true.  It is constant.  But, is it just me, or does it seem like it isn't?  It seems like I was in school for forever.  Like the first 18 years of my life poked by.  How in the world is it, that since then, it has flown?  And how is it - that some days seem like forever - and some are gone in an instant?  And when you are going on a trip - it seems like it takes forever to get there, but you get home really fast?  It's just weird.

Now here is the next weird thing.  It seems like yesterday, that Shaun was here.  But it also seems like forever ago.  It seems like it couldn't be almost 5 months since he died - but then it seems a lot longer than that.  I have been looking through pictures today, and it is weird to see how I have aged.  I feel like I look like a president after they get out of office.  All old and stressed looking.  And different.  I won't say I look stressed, per se, but I do look different.  But I guess that's because I am different.  I won't ever be who I was 5 months ago.  When you have someone, that loves you no matter what, it changes your whole brain when they are no longer there.  And, it also shocks me how I am still here.  I really would have thought this would kill me.  But it hasn't.  It's been horrible.  The worst thing that I have ever went through.  And it still is.  Life is much more hard.  I can consult with only myself.  I make the everyday decisions completely alone.  And, I know people do it everyday, as I am - but it still stinks.  To think about someone constantly - and not be able to touch them.  Talk to them.  It stinks.  But, hopefully all the bad moments will speed by - and the good ones will go slow.  And I know that God is carrying me through all this - and I have learned/will learn a lot through it.  Love you guys.

One is a lonely number.

Still trying.
I've been trying to blog all evening. Too much going on in my head, I guess. But I guess here's the long and short of it. Being lonely sucks. And I am not just speaking of my situation. You can be in a room full of folks- beside someone on a couch holding hands - sharing dinner with a friend- and still be lonely. I feel for all those people. And I hate that I am one them. I really do.

Where I am now....

When I first started writing at all, I guess I was 19.  I was a brat.  I was a self-obsessed, self-entitled, drama queen.  I was angry at the entire world.  I think there is a big difference now.  Now my anger is a lot more focused. :-)  (At least most of the time.)  Some of the anger has been elimated, exorcised, whichever term you would care to use.  And now, well, I feel proud of myself.  I like myself.  A lot. A lot more now.  I think of the reasons that I feel a lot more functioning as a human being... (I laughed out loud to that..) I think that I have gotten a lot of the anger and pain out - through writing, talking, and screaming out songs at the top of lungs driving down 95.  If there is one piece of advice, that I would give you right now - in this instant - on this journey - it's "To thine own self be true."  You aren't going to be able to please every individual walking the face of this earth.  But there is a guarantee of the one person that you are going to have to face, head on, each day - and that's you.  So everyday, when you look in the mirror, make sure that you like what you are going to see.  I think I was an underdog.  And through a lot of searching, the love of my friends, my family, my kids, my love and Angel Shaun, and most importantly God - I am no longer an underdog.  I like what I see each day.  And hopefully it can only get better from here.  I love you all  - good night.

Facebook is absolutely AHHHMAAAZING....

I love Facebook.  I absolutely do.  Tonight, I saw a post from one of my friends, and it was my thoughts - but put into words.  Here it is.... :

•             "When it hurts to look back, and you're scared to look ahead, you can look beside you and your best of friends will be there. Tonight I am thankful for my friends who have stuck by me..thick and thin.....and always loved me no matter what. Lord knows no one is perfect, especially me, but Im thankful my friends think Im perfect just the way I am, and take the good with the bad. ♥"

And isn't that the best thing ever - absolutely ever!  To have people who don't have to love you - and they do it anyway.  They are there for you no matter what.  No matter if you are happy, sad, mean, angry, bad hair, you name it.  I have three women in my life, that we refer to each other as "sister wives"... And no, we aren't polygamists.  But, if you get one of us - you get us all of us.  Because we are that close.  We love each other intensely.  We have laughed, cried, screamed, you name it.  But years later - we are still together.  They make my insides feel all melty, just because they are so precious.  Shaun loved these women like they were his own sisters.  He gave us our girl time... he would even cater to it.  He would encourage it.  Because he knew that it was a bond that not all people are fortunate enough to have.

So tonight, I am once again blessed and thankful.  Thankful that God has given me this adventuresome life.  That he has placed absolutely amazing people in it.  And that he has given me three beautiful women, to walk with me through it - just by choice.  No requirements.  I love you ladies. With all my heart.  And thanks for being there for me these past 4 and half months, and always.  And stay there - cause I will always need you and want you.  I love you guys.

Beautiful.

It's word that is used non challantly.  A beautiful sunset.  A beautiful bride.  A beautiful win.  You get where I am going with this.  But what a powerful word it can be.  Guess what's next?  You got it .  A webster's definition.  Here we go.  Webster's defines the word beautiful as - excellence of it's kind.  Wow.  The excellence, the top, the highest.  So, if you say you saw a beautiful sunset - you are saying it was the top.  Now, that being said, we say that word often and probably don't take a whole lot of stock into what we mean when we say it.  But lately, I have seen that word everywhere - from my wrist to billboards.  And here is what I think.  I guess, this is gonna be my personal view on it - not that all my blogs aren't, but anyway.  Here goes.

First, don't take the word lightly.  Don't take any words you say lightly.  But especially - don't take such a special word and make it less special.  Second, there is nothing, and I mean nothing on this earth that can make a woman feel more special than hearing that word.  And not the, "You are beautiful, babe."  But the tracks stopping, mind blowing,  you know what I mean.  When a man looks at you, and you feel deep within his heart - he really believes that you are absolutely beautiful.  The most excellent of your kind.  That's some powerful stuff right there.  It makes you feel like you can do anything.  At all.  Ever.  It makes you feel like if someone sees that, then it must be true.  And it's one phenomenal feeling.  

And it's a horrible feeling when you lose it.  But you have to remember, that he saw something.  In that instant - he saw something.  And to keep doing what you are doing - and well, do it beautifully. So I will write my fingers to the bone, but I will do it beautifully.  Thanks for calling me beautiful.  You don't know how empowered and driven it made me.  You will never know - how in that instant - a brief moment - it rocked my world.  And I am so thankful that I have it tattooed on my wrist.  Because every time I look at it - I will remember that instant.  Everytime I doubt myself, I will remember that instant.  It's a powerful thing to let your guard down for a minute and be vulnerable.  And it's a powerful thing, to realize the difference an instant can make.

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY MY LOVE....

One year ago today, I married the man of my dreams.  My heart, my soul, and my best friend.  The one person in this world who really "got" me.  Who believed in me when no one else did.  Who stood behind me, when everyone was telling me I couldn't do it.  One year ago today, I was over the moon, and I felt proud and optimistic.  We were finally on the right path.  I never, ever thought, this is the way I would be celebrating our one year anniversary.  Alone in front of a computer dreaming of our wedding day.
If you hadn't noticed, I was off the grid this past week.  I was on a trip, that well, was much needed.  I traveled on a plane alone.  I got to the hotel - alone.  I switched planes - alone.  I figured out gates, Canada, and well the city of New York - alone.  And guess what?  I am sitting in front of my computer - safe and sound - and I did it.  I made it.  It was a bumpy ride - but I made it.  Before I met Shaun - that would have never ever happened.  He taught me something - and it's something he wrote to me in one of his many notes... it said, " You make me feel adventurous, and adventure is my inspiration.  Therefore BeautifuLL, you are my inspiration."  And that, is one impressive compliment.  So, I was adventurous.  And I became inspired.  For many reasons.  There is so much in my head that I want to share.  So many stories, just waiting to be written.  So today, as my wedding gift to my husband,  it will begin.  Not just my story about he and I - but all the other ones we talked about.  And the new ones that are in my head.  This is my passion and my calling.  I know that now.  And as I was thinking about this, trapped in an airplane - and I look out the window.  What do I see, you ask?  I think it was Shaun, winking at me, and saying, "That's what I want baby, that's what I want.  I love you too - and you are doing good."  You might call it the sun... but the sun doesn't normally look like this... Not to me.  I love you, daddy - I love you so much.  And I miss you - I miss you more than you will ever know.  No one could ever do for me what you did.  I love you and think about you always.