Netflix, Chia Seeds, Om Scarves, and Eyeliner.

It's two days after Christmas.  The ruckus has died down.  The kids are all content - and getting along.  It's remotely quiet in my house.  I am sitting in my bed, watching netflix and youtube, and yes - simultaneously (I'm good like that).  But I kept saying to myself, do something productive.  Don't waste your day.  You need to blog.  So, here we meet again.

Now, when you are completely being lazy - it's hard to think of a topic.  And I just looked around - and realized there is my topic.  This weekend is my topic.  I went to Publix today, to pick up a few things.  One of those items were chia seeds.  It took me forever to find them - but when I did - I felt like I ran a marathon - and won it!  Why?  Because I found them without asking anyone.  So there is one little personal win.

For those of you who know me, I love yoga.  Pitaiyo.  Mediation.  I burn incense.  Yes, I have a touch of hippie, granola kid deep down in my heart.  I have a tattoo of the "om" symbol.  I like to stay at peace and relax.  And throughout my practice, I am able to do that about 80% of the time now.  Yesterday, I went to World Market.  And I found the most amazing scarf.  It's a huge, huge scarf- almost like a blanket - that hangs to my ankles - and it has the "om" symbol on it.  And..... wait for it..... It was on CLEARANCE!  It was like it was meant for me.  So, I roll into Publix, with space leggings, a blank long tank top, and a huge "om" scarf blanket thing draped around me.  Did I look silly? Maybe.  Did I feel fabulous? Definitely....

I have been practicing the winged eyeliner for awhile now.  Today - I nailed it.  Quickly.  Finally.  Like in the amount of time it takes me to put on normal eyeliner.  I can be taught.

I say all this to say - this might seem like a little boring blogpost today.  But, It's a little list of somewhat unimportant wins, but wins - nonetheless.  Take heart in  your little successes every single day.  It might just be the success of sitting down and watching a show on Netflix.  Or completing a blog.  Or having the confidence to wear something that might not be fashionable - because it makes you feel amazing.

So, before the new year begins... Try to find some downtime, and take a minute to love your individuality.  And just be kind.

Xoxo

Turkey Troubles... and Musings from the big "W"...

So, here we are again.  Another thanksgiving.  My least favorite holiday of all time.  And it isn't because I am not thankful - or that I don't like turkey - or parades - I love all that stuff.  It is just a tough day for me.

On this day, years ago, I was sitting in the sunroom at my parents house.  Leaves we gorgeous, the air was cool and crisp, and we had just came in from throwing a football.  I look over at Shaun, and he had tears running down his face.  I asked him, "What's wrong?" And he said to me, "This is all I ever wanted.  I never thought it was possible."  And then he died six and half months later.  That was our last thanksgiving together, and he was so happy.

Now, I hear all the time, "You need to enjoy the day - you need to do  it for the kids... Be happy his last thanksgiving was amazing."  And yes, I do to an extent.  It isn't being off - it isn't the holiday per se.  Its the haunting memory that comes with it. I have been strong since he died.  Over, and over, and over, and over.  This day, affects me like birthdays- anniversary - christmas, affects others.  Part of my heart breaks again.  My throat doesn't want to swallow.  My eyes feel burny.  There is a part that feels lonely.

So, I came upstairs to get ready for my day.  And I decided to let it out.  I cried, hard - sitting in my bathroom floor.  I decided to write this - because I know if I feel this way, others do too.

Today, I am gonna allow myself to mourn and be sad.  Right now.  In this minute.  And then, I am going to be thankful.  Happy.  I am so blessed.  I am so loved.

But, if you are mourning this thanksgiving - allow yourself.  Just don't let it consume you.  I have done that the last few years.  Today will be different.  I will acknowledge it.  Let myself feel it.  Be thankful that I am alive to feel it.  And carry on.

Looking to the Brightside....

Yesterday was mine and Shaun's wedding anniversary.  And to be honest, I was good.  I thought about it off and on all day.  But I didn't cry.  I didn't mourn.  I celebrated in my own way.  I laughed.  I watched some netflix.  I took a bubble bath.  I continued my Saturday like a "normal" day.  And it was a good day.

And here is why I am writing.  It might have taken me years, but I can see the bright side.  In a whole lot of situations - and that was one of them.  I could sit and cry that he died - or be happy that our paths crossed and I was allowed to meet him, love him, and I have an amazing little boy from him.  It's a choice.  I choose to be happy.

And here is a funny thing.  A lot of people, and I mean a lot, condemn me for my attitude.  Sometimes, people consider my happiness, my perkiness - as a negative.  I have heart the terms "fake", "insincere", "abrupt", "overly friendly and she can't be that happy", "too positive - no one thinks that way" - and I could go on.  But I won't.  And why?  Because they are all wrong.

I have been through a lot more than most people my age.  I have dealt with a lot.  I have made a lot of mistakes.  And I am so thankful for every single one.  Not that I am proud of it all, of course I'm not - but it has turned me into who I am.  And do I get mad? yes.  Irritated?  of course.  I am human, after all.  But - I am happy.  My personality is sincere - and I don't care a whole lot if people think it isn't.  I used to, but I don't now.  Those who know me - know the real me.  And those who choose to get to know me, might change their mind.

So, look to the bright side.  You might be going through a horrible time.  And I am so sorry if you are.      
Let me know.  Send me a message - whatever you need to do. I promise I care.  I will pray my heart out for you.  But look in the mirror and find a couple blessings - I am positive they are there.  And here is a little something to make your heart smile - and make you think of all your blessings.  I love each and everyone of you!  (And I really do..... LOLOL!)

And just be thankful - for what you have.  It might be the one thing people dream of.....



https://www.facebook.com/kandeejohnson/videos/10153237374671662/

Yes, as of 9:44 PM - I have 5,441 photos on my camera roll.

It's funny, in a an absurd type of way - but it's true.  I bought an iPhone 6 plus, one year ago.  It's the one with 128 mb.  And you want to know why I bought it? Because the level of storage for photos was so high.  I have two obsessions.  One is music, the other is photos.  An iPhone - well provides both.  That is, as long as you have the memory for it.  So when it came out - I was on it.  There was nothing I hated more, than getting ready to take a picture, and my phone stop me.  The phone would tell me, I needed to delete a picture to take another picture.  Did this phone know what it was asking me to do?  How do I delete a moment, to create another?  What if I didn't save it?  Needless to say, it was drove me nuts.  And you want me to delete a song?  No.  'Nuff said.

I had a conversation with one of my bosses this week, about iPhone Vs. Android.  He asked me why I loved the iPhone, although he has one.  I told him the above.  And he said, "You really take that many pictures?".  Yes, I do.

So this weekend, I looked through them.  And didn't delete any.  But I did notice this. Photos tell such a story, that we might not remember.  Photos tell the truth.  They show happiness, sadness, and absence.  They capture moments that we forget.  They an often show how you feel, even when you didn't realize you felt that way.  I saw a photo of me and Jacoby - and he was squeezing my neck, from behind.  I remember, that I felt so thankful.  In that moment - I felt teary.  And I posted it on Facebook and Instagram - and no one knew I was teary in the picture.  But I remembered when I saw it.  After everything I have been through - I was thankful.  And completely at peace with those little hands around my neck.  I was okay with the hand I had been given.  Because, although it was a horrible road - God got me to where I am at today.

Photographs can show you things you can't see through your own eyes.  Maybe you can't see how beautiful you are.  How great you look when you laugh.  Sometimes, Looking at a photo - can tell you more than you thought you ever knew.  So, keep your photos.  Save them - and let's be a little different.  Print some out - hang them on your wall.  Keep your amazing moments in your foreground.  I posted a quote a few months back on Facebook, I believe, and it said, "Photographs seems unimportant, until that's all you have left."  For some parts of my life, photographs are the only proof it existed.  But for now, in my current life, photographs show me how lucky I am.

Have a great night.  Xoxo.

Let brotherly love continue.  Hebrews 13:1

My Life is a Fairytale....

Not really, but really.

Today, here in sunny Florida - it isn't so sunny.  It's been raining off and on all day.  I have got a lot of things done, and can smile on my productivity.  But that isn't what I am talking about, per se.  For those who know me, know I am a music junkie.  I love all types of music - but I like it loud.  And while I have been singing, thinking, and being productive - my heart felt full.

Yesterday, I got to hang with my kiddos.  Take some pics.  And laugh with them.  Me and my daughter snuck out of the house and bought "secret ice cream", and while we were on our covert mission - we laughed the whole time.  I have a five year old who kisses me every, single time he sees me - and tells me I am pretty.  I have a 16 year old with the wit of Jimmy Fallon.  He keeps me laughing.  My life is filled with laughter.

I have a job, that albeit it is hard, it's rewarding.  I like what I do.  I like the people I work for/with.  I like helping people.  And no, it isn't glamourous.  I am good it.  And no, it will never make me a millionaire - but I wouldn't have it any other way.

I have a the best friends in the world.  I can tell them anything.  No matter how crazy, ridiculous, or unimportant.  They care.  I have man who loves me.  More than anything - and I know that.  He makes me feel like a princess - and we have our problems and struggles - and it isn't perfect.  But, he makes me happier than I have ever been in my life.  He lets me be me.  And that means a lot.  I am his biggest cheerleader - and he is mine.

Now, all that beautiful stuff being said, I have probably cried 30 times this week.  Maybe not that much, but significant.  It was a tough week personally and professionally.  I had to say goodbye to a boss that was amazing, got some terrifying news for my dad, and all in all - it was a little tough.  I try to act tough - but there has been a few nights of falling asleep while crying.  More than few.

But I am grateful.  I am grateful for today.  I am grateful that while writing this, the sun came out.  I am grateful for the air in my lungs.  I am grateful for a loving and forgiving God.  I am grateful for the promise of a new day.  I am grateful for my life and every, single person in it.  I am grateful for the chance to make mistakes and learn from them.  And in all that, in the mess that I felt like the last couple weeks have been "emotionally" for me ----

Recognize this - to someone - that would be a fairytale.  I am blessed.  Happy Labor Day, Guys!

You can be corporate and still be kind....

First, let me start by saying, I do have a day job.  And - as far as day jobs go - I am very thankful for my job - and the folks I work with.  My teammates are some of my closest friends.  My supervisor, is awesome.  He backs us, helps us - I couldn't ask for more.  Now, that being said - I was on vacation the week before last - and it was amazing.  My best friend from VA was here - and we had a great time.  A time to decompress, catch up, and relax.  We both have a lot going on in our lives - both moms - jobs - and busy.  So just to sit and enjoy one another was a huge blessing.  I ended that week with a new sense of purpose.  Relaxed.  And a new mindset upon my "day job".

The week went pretty much like normal, and I was smiling the whole time ( that part not necessarily normal).  But I had decided to be grateful for my job.  My co-workers.  My supervisor.  And when things rose up that would normally stress me out, I took a deep breath, and I was good.  I went through the week feeling amazing.  Until the last day of the work week.

I know it could be risky writing this, but - I feel like I have to.  If I don't - I am being fake.  And my hair, nails, and tan might be fake - but my heart isn't.  So I am going to be vague to protect myself.  But just hear what I am saying.

I witnessed corporate bullying.  Not on myself - or my co-workers - so no worries there, but nonetheless.  I saw it.  And I never have seen such a spectacle in my life.  I have never been so shocked - embarrassed and hurt for the people it happened to - the level of empathy I had was out the roof.  And I thought bullying was something that kids did in a school yard.  Not in a workplace.  So I write this, to say this.  If you ever partake of "corporate bullying" - you are no better than a child in a schoolyard.  In every environment that I have ever worked in - people discuss business like people.  Intelligently, calmly, with action plans in place. To me, that seems to be the right way to do it.  Never is public humiliation, or bullying an acceptable plan.  Ever.

So I am writing this, hoping to change one heart.  Just one.  If someone reads this who believes that is a proper form of business - reevaluate.   You will never gain the respect of other people, by public shaming.  Because guess what?  Not one person will be on your side.  Every single person will feel for the person visibly shaking and trying to maintain a businesslike composure.  That is the people who are classy - the ones when provoked - who stood firm.  I don't know if I could do the same.  To be honest, I am sure I couldn't.

And if you have experienced bullying as an adult or child - remember - It is not you.  They have something, within themselves, to where that is the only way they feel powerful.  And if you can keep from screaming, feel bad for them.  I wish I could say I feel bad for them - but not yet - I am still mad.

I'm ending this with a video of my vacation - because it was awesome - and remember what relaxing and being thankful is about.  And remember - you never know what someone is going through - use your words carefully.

A blessed Vlog!

He has now been gone for 4 years....

I had a post written previously, that I was gonna post today.  But, on my drive home - I changed my mind.  So if it seems like it rambles, I apologize in advance.  I had the benefit of telling a guy I worked with today, about Shaun.  Telling him that today was the anniversary of his death.  And he, in turn, told me about his friend Sean, that had passed awhile back.  And he said to me, "I view death differently.  Although it is sad that they are gone - I look at it that at least I had the opportunity to know this person."  And as he said that, it stung my heart.  It made me take a different turn.  And I am so thankful I had those years with Shaun.  I really am.  That being said, today still sucks.  This day reminds me of the fear, pain, stress, shock, and deep throat sadness I felt that day.  I hope it gets better as time goes on, but as I have previously stated, I am not a fan of June 23rd.

On my drive home, I thought about that - blasting my iPod in the background.  And I thought about the changes that I have made in my life since he is gone.  I have done things I never would have thought possible.  I have spoken in front of crowds.  I have started a blog.  A website.  I have helped people.  I have worked my fingers to the bone.  I scrimped and saved.  I struggled.  I was a pit bull, fighting for her pups.  My relationship with my children morphed into something I never knew it could.  I never knew - the level of passion and protection I could have for them.  I thought I knew before, but I had no idea.  I am proud of the woman I have become.

But, that being said - there are some bad that came with it.  I am much more callous. I am much more choosey over what I will shed my tears over.  I can be vicious.  But at the same time, I still can cry when someone else is sad.  I guess, sometimes I can play down others issues, because they weren't as dramatic as mine.  But I am working on that.  I want to help people be happy.  I want people to love like there is no tomorrow.  I want them to know what I know - without the journey to go with it.

So here is what I am trying to say.  Shaun Greenberg, You changed my heart, mind, and soul forever.  I love you.  I always will.  And I will make you proud.    I promise that.  So, below, I am posting a song.  I love this version.  Listen to it - all the way through.  I feel like the first part, is me.  The second part, is what Shaun would sing back.  I knew the first time I heard this - It strung a chord in my heart.  I didn't realize until today - why.  And if you wanna know how I feel - that nails it.  100%. I can't write it down any better than he can sing it.

What's with the Bad Vibes, Brah?

******Disclaimer - this didn't happen today.  I wrote this a few days back... Just wasn't sure if I wanted to publish it or not - because it makes me look quite damaged.  LOL!******


So, today - I have experienced rage to the Nth degree.  And, as I drove home - with my temper flaming, I realized something.... So here we go.

Picture it.  Meeting a few people for the first time.  A friends of one of my best friends.  I'm kinda nervous.  I am going into a place where I know very few people.  But - I'm friendly, right?  OF COURSE!  That's my thing.  My mom says, me and my dad have never met a stranger.   And that's true.  I get there, and everything was great!  I met everyone, thought everyone was so nice, so friendly.  Everyone was easy to talk to.  I left with a smile on my face, thinking it was a good time.

And then, BOOM!  One of the people there, a female, said she got a "bad vibe" from me.  WHAT!?  I mean...... WHAT!?  We talked.  We laughed.  We ate.  I helped her carry her packages.  She told me about her trip and hometown.  I mean, the chances of me seeing this person again - Is close to zero.

But when I heard this - it wrecked me.  And I use the term wrecked - because that's the best way I can describe it.   I felt myself bow up.  I felt the wind leave my lungs.  I was ready to fight.  I have not felt that way in years.  Let me rephrase that, decades.  And there it was.  Fighting, blind rage.  I felt like I could punch my fist through a wall.  And to be honest - my heart rate is still a little high.

So, I am driving home from work, listening to Pink(Because that's my 'go to' rage music), an trying to figure out what kind of 'vibe' - I could have possibly been giving.  And then it hit me, right around track 7, that it's not me - it's her.  I was fine, happy, and myself.  And if she doesn't like that - that's cool.  I began to feel myself calm somewhat.  I'm not gonna lie - not a lot - but somewhat.

Which then led me to think about, why did I react the way I did?  How did the girl with bad self-esteem, anger issues, and insecurity resurrect herself by one phrase.  I mean, I thought that hot mess was long gone.  And by a person that I met for 2 hours - and will probably never see again?  Crazy, right?  I know.  Add that to my list of things I need to work on.

But here is the difference between 10 years ago and now.  Within one hour, I recognized it's not worth  my emotion.  Any of it.  That being said, it still hurt me.  It's stupid, I know.  But I am just being honest.   I truly believe that energy is completely contagious.  You are gonna catch what's around you - positive and negative.  So watch what you put out there.  It just might really hurt someone more than you know.

And I hope, one day, this lady stumbles across the blog.  And maybe she will know it was her - maybe not.  But consider the things you say - and if it isn't positive or constructive - think before you speak.  Until that day... Thanks for giving me an awesome blogpost and giving me some awesome creativity fuel.  I recognize I am still a work in progress.  But I like myself.  Each day - I wake up and look in the mirror, and I smile back at myself.

My Favorite Things this April!!!!

A little Vlog about my favorite things right now!!  Little things that help me find my inner princess. 

AT&T states that they care.... I don't think they do. Let's see...

First, if you read this - please share it - post it... get it at there.  I want to see what it takes to get AT&T to stand up and do the right thing.  Because so far they haven't.  Here's the story.....

A week and half ago, I ordered two phones online.  A completely efficient, smooth, and frankly easy process.  At least, that is what I thought.  Two days later, I receive an email telling me the phones had shipped.  I was stoked!!!!  So much faster than I what I had anticipated.  Now let me backtrack a little bit.

When I checked out - AT&T informed me that there would be a signature required for the phones.  So it gave me an option to have a different shipping address.  Being a working mom, and appreciating the information- I chose to have the phones delivered to my place of employment.    Smart, right?  I thought so, too!  I mean, there is always a receptionist at the front - and this place is constantly full of people.  No way, no how, these packages could not be signed for - and... we know our FedEx guy - see him all the time, and he is mad cool.

On Monday, I check to see if it's gonna be here so I can alert everyone that if they get the phones - put them in my office.  And what do I see?  Delivery exception - returned to sender.  What!?  Why?  I was confused.  No email from AT&T with a problem, so I call FedEx.  They tell me, AT&T requested the order to be returned.

So, I call AT&T.  And the nightmare begins.  Day one - total time on phone?  Over 4 hours.  95% of that time - being on hold.  And no one knew why they were returned.  So, they would tell me that they were gonna figure it out - asked me if I would mind to hold - I agree... and 2 minutes later - a cold transfer.  I was dumped back into the phone que.  Now, I will say, every single person I spoke to, was kind.  Just had no follow through.  I end up at a call center, where it was scripted.  I understand that the guy on the other end, doesn't get a lot of what I am saying - so I just answer his questions, he gives me an escalation #, and states that someone will contact me within 48 hours.

I facebook AT&T.  I tweet them.  And to my surprise - I get a response!  Ask me to email information to them - and I did it right then.  They tell me that they will contact me asap.  FYI - STILL NOTHING FROM SOCIAL MEDIA GUY.

48 hours later....

Nothing.  So I call again.  I am apologized to, and assured I won't be dumped into a phone que.  What happens?  Dumped.  Each department thoroughly explains how I shouldn't have been transferred to them - and promises to warm transfer me to the right place.  Doesn't happen.  Nothing.  Finally, I get a supervisor - after persistence.  She does what she can. Then I am once again transferred to sales to resubmit the order.  It must go to my home address, but whatever - It's for a birthday present - and I will stop the delivery to pick it up at the FedEx place across the street from my job.

But here is what gets me.  It took hours of my time - to correct a mistake.  I spend way too much money on cell phones - but I have teenager and a tween, and myself - so, it's steep.  I pay my bill each month.  I just want what I asked for.  And I want them to do what they say that they will do.  A survey company called me, and refunded my bill 80 dollars.  A survey.  Not anyone from management.  And the girl on the survey end, was mortified, and stated "More should happen, but this is all I am allowed to do."  And I appreciate it - But I think they need to step up.  Answer for it.  My kid wanted an iPhone for her birthday.  I wanted to surprise her with it. Now I can surprise her with a pic and say... "It's coming."  And it isn't about the thing.  It's about doing what you say you will do.

If you say you will call - do it.  So AT&T - Man up.  I am including just some frustrated screen shots below... Just so you know I am not crazy. (*I never raised my voice to one person, Pull your phone logs AT&T... I apologized to the rep b/c it was mess.)

I suck. I'm sorry.

If I had a nickel for every time I have, or even should have said, "I'm Sorry" - I guarantee I would be a millionaire.  Luckily, I have to say, that the older I have gotten - the easier it is for me to say.  I don't know if it is because of all I have been through - or just one of the benefits of getting older - but I am glad it's easier for me now.  I don't wanna be someone who argues, who is hateful, but I also don't want to be a doormat.  And for me? It seems like I am one of the two.  I am either a doormat - Or a Pit-bull.  And there is absolutely no in-between.

I am working on it - and that, my friends, requires the ability to say I'm sorry.  And not saying, "I'm sorry", followed by eyeroll.  It means saying it - and then working on  yourself to do better and not commit the same offense.  (That part - is exceedingly difficult for me, too - because I often think I am right - about a lot... LOL!)

But this is where I am going.  If someone apologizes to you - let them.  Don't brush them off and say, "It's fine", or "it's over with - don't worry about it", or my favorite - "drop it."  Listen at what they have to say - because it takes courage to apologize and admit that you were at fault.  And if someone cares enough about you to apologize, take the time to listen and acknowledge.  I'm not saying it has to be some long and drawn out emotion filled scene - but acknowledge.

Today, I had to apologize.  I was blessed with someone who listened.  And after a rough day, it made me smile.  That although I had been wicked all day - and had taken out my technical frustrations on everyone around me - my apology was heard and appreciated.  And it changed my drive home.  I could smile.  And felt refreshed.  Like I had shut a door and fixed a yucky day.

Just something to think about....

Hugs - from my laptop to yours!

Let's talk about being Naked in Urban Decay....

That sounded quite philosophical in it's own right didn't it?  The decay of the nation... our horrible society... blah blah blah.  But what I am really writing about - is me.  My face.  Who I am.  A lot of you guys have known me for years.  Some of you - recently.  Some of you - have never met me.  But let me give you a little background.

Fifteen years ago - I was a completely different person.  I didn't wear makeup.  I didn't have a "hair style" per se.  I was overweight.  And frankly,  I felt like I didn't deserve any better.  Now - that being said, I wasn't some depressed, emo, sad sack type of person.  I was kinda factual.  I had become overweight - so there was no point in buying flattering clothes - because I thought I would never look good in them anyway.  I didn't wear makeup - same reason.  Hair - same reason.  I was just super duper plain.

Fast forward a few years - I met a girl who become my best friend ever.  She kinda had an intervention with me.  She told me to get my own sweats - and quit wearing my husbands.  She took me out and got me first "cutesy" sweatsuit.  And I say sweatsuit, because there was no way I would wear anything but that.  And guess what?  I had a shape - some might call "hourglass".  It might have been a yearly hourglass - but hourglass, nonetheless.

Fast forward again.  I lost the weight.  Started getting into clothes.  Was much more confident.  I began working out.  I was more active.  I had great people in my life.  I was happy.  And then... we all know what happened.  I went to bed blissfully happy.  I woke up in a nightmare that I thought would never end.

There was a lot of self reflection that happened over that next year.  First,  I really embraced the aspect of "you only live once."  I don't mean that in a reckless way - I mean it in a - seize the day, type of way.   I always loved edgy clothes, hair, makeup, all of it.  Whether I looked like it or not - I always got Cosmo - was intrigued by fashion shows... I loved it - but was embarrassed to love it because I felt like people would think... "Ummmm.... really?  She doesn't look like it... "  And, in turn - I would be made fun of.

Guess what?  Make fun of me.   Don't like my clothes?  I do.  Don't like my makeup?  I do.  Don't like my accent?  I do.  Don't like my tattoos? I do.  Don't like my Jeep? Then we can't talk.  I kid.  But, you get what I'm saying.

I feel like through my outward appearance:
1.  I am showing my resilience... because I have a lot of it.  I am a fighter.  I believe life can never defeat me - unless I allow it.  No outcome of any situation will control me.  I am tough.
2.  I am happy.  Not to sound like Pharrell... But I really am.  I mean, my life is far from perfect.  But I am really, and truly deep down happy.

I want my outside to match the insides...And I do that through makeup and clothes.  It's my thing.  I don't see any problems with my face without it.  I just like it.  It's like creating a painting - on yourself. :-)

So -- here's a video of the whole process.... Sped up.  If you have any questions... Let me know.   Hope you enjoy - And get a little more of who I am !

Perfect Parenting Gone Completely Wrong...

I try and I try and I try.  I want to be the perfect parent.  And all that I have learned - is that I am completely imperfect.  My kids are my world.  All three of them.  And it's so bizarre to me - that although they are all mine - they are sooooo different.  So, it's not like - once you get through a stage with one - you can just repeat for the next kid.  So not true.

In my life, I have made choices - some stellar - some not so much.  Some have affected my kids.  Some haven't.  I am sure that I have hurt them by some of my choices, and helped them with others.  But although, I have always had their best interests at heart - often times, I have failed in epic proportions
.  There is no user manual provided with these people.  I have just been winging it for 16 years now.

But yesterday - I  went to battle for my middle child.  She is an amazing little girl.  Smart, funny, beautiful, and the most amazing heart.  She mother's her baby brother.  She wakes up every morning - way before she has to - just to kiss me before work.  She is my snuggle bunny.  My nail polish partner.  My text buddy.  Anyway, she had been treated quite unfairly - in in some aspects - I had allowed it to happen.  When she told me what was going on, I thought she was just being a bit dramatic.  I felt like it was regular pre-teen angst.  Disliking certain teachers, hating school, the regular stuff.  But then - I realized that wasn't the case at all.  And I didn't realize it until I saw it in black and white before my own eyes.  That awoke a venomous and spiteful creature that lived deep within me - one that I had no idea that existed.

Many emails, phone calls, and meetings later - I had my day of reckoning.  I was able to meet, confront, and explain what I had been made aware of.  And I had success.  I should have been walking out with "We are The Champions" playing in the background.  But that isn't what happened.  I felt great for about 30 minutes. Until the brevity of what happened set in.  I realized, in a way - I had ignored my child's plea for help- and just assumed that a teacher was in the right, and she was in the wrong.  What a horrible feeling that must have been for her.  Not being able to get through to her own mother.  All I could think about was the person who is wrongfully accused, and then set free a few years later.  Yeah, you are grateful you are free - but you still don't forget the prison sentence.  I cried at the drop of a hat, all day yesterday.  Every time I thought about it - I got choked up, my chin started quivering, and my eyes started pouring.  I couldn't stop.  I couldn't wait for her to get home from school.  I needed to talk to her.

She called me a squeaky and happy.  She told me all her teachers loved me and were bragging on me.  She was so proud of her momma.  And that made my heart hurt just a little more.  And I apologized to her like I had never done before.  And all she kept saying was - "It's okay, mommy!  I am so happy they got to meet you!"  I don't know if she will ever understand how much I feel like I failed her.  How sorry I truly am.  And how happy I am she is mine.  When I got home - She hugged me tight - and just kept telling me how cool it was that her teachers got to meet with me.  She loves me unconditionally right now.  I pray that never, ever changes.

So, to sum up - I try to be the perfect parent.  I make my children say their "mam's and sirs".  I try to make them be responsible little people.  But I am not perfect.  I might be perfectly imperfect, if that is a thing.  But what is perfect?  They don't expect me to be perfect.  Just to love them.  And put up a fight when need be - and they got that all day long.