After 5 years, What is Happiness?

I don't have the answer to my own question. 

The only answer I have is "Me".  I'm really happy.  And as I type this, I am crying a little.  So, there ya have it.  You can cry and still be totally happy.  But I am not crying in mourning, per se.  It still breaks my heart for the girl that used to be.  I am not her anymore, though.

Five years ago...
I woke up.  Like everyday.  Walked downstairs - and had no idea that my whole life had changed.
I screamed and cried until I had no voice.
Everything felt like it was crashing down.  I was so scared... and then the pain and anguish hit.  I didn't see an end.  I saw every single "future memories" that would never happen together.  It lasted a really long time.

Now...
I woke up.  Like everyday.  And I smiled. I sang a little gangsta rap/reggae as I got ready.  I am happy. 
I am loved.  I have great friends.  Great family.  And God has healed that broken and seared mess that used to be my heart.  I feel optimistic.  I plan.  I enjoy every breath.  Every single minute.  And I sit back in awe, at the fact that my life is where it is.  And I feel joyful for that.

The people who know me, here in Florida, never met that girl.  That don't define me by the things she went through.  They just know "this me".  And sometimes, I am thankful for that.  But sometimes, I wish they knew her, too.  Just to see how far I've come.  And understand, why I am who I am.

I make it a point to hug people who need it.  Smile.  Laugh.  And enjoy every minute I can.  God has been so faithful to me.  There's a song by Stephen Curtiss Chapman, that says "When you give and when You take away,  even then great is your faithfulness".  I couldn't be a better representation of that.  And I know I don't deserve it, but I am thankful for it. 

I know this journey isn't over.  And it never will be.  But today, I feel like I am cruising at a good speed in a great car - and enjoying the drive. 

I never planned my life to be this hard.  Have these problems.  But I am grateful for who I am now because of them.

Father's Day... Can sometimes be hard....

For those of you who know me well, you know I don't take much stock in "commercial" holidays.  I honestly - don't like them at all.  Valentine's, Mother's Day, Father's Day - actually aren't my thing.  I feel like these holidays are great in a way - they are all about celebrating love, right?  But why do we need particular days to do it?  And it can be days that make you have great expectations, and then a huge feeling of sadness when it doesn't live up to it.  Take Valentine's Day.  How many times have you heard someone say, "Looks like I am going to be alone again this Valentine's Day - #foreveralone."  Well, they were single before - but that day seems to make it a prominent problem when it wasn't before.

And now we are at Father's day.  And scrolling Facebook compelled me to write this.  I have seen so many posts from people who have lost their father's.  Their husband's.  Father's who lost their children. And it breaks my heart.  

Also, it makes my heart smile - to see families taking time out to honor the men in their life.  Celebrate the ones you love, and let them know how much they mean to you.  

And as today goes on, pray for those who are having a tough day today.  That have a feeling of emptiness inside.  Pray for those who have lost something huge.  Because, as one who has lost someone, it stings.  

So today, I want to say if you are hurting, I am praying for you.  I care about your heart.  And I hope you find a peace today.  I would also like to say thank you to all the great dads out there.  Those who step up to be father's when they don't have to be.  Who love children that aren't theirs - like they are.  

I know this post is rambling, and I am sorry for that.  Just a lot of emotion today.