And what makes me feel so sad - is that she has lived. And it's okay for her to go. I am totally at peace with it. I don't know if it is that I am hardened, and I worry that I am. But I honestly feel like she has lived a long life - and she is now only existing. She isn't living. My grandmother, as I know her, has been gone for a little over a year. This woman, now, isn't the woman I knew growing up. My grandmother, would eat chocolate fudge cake and mix it with a peanut butter sandwich. My grandmother, would go through pictures with me on her couch - and tell me about the things I did when I was little. My grandmother put up her Christmas tree way too early - just because she thought it was pretty. This woman, in the nursing home, is just what is left of who she used to be.
You know, although I thought for awhile I would die myself when Shaun died, I didn't. When he died - he was full of life. He lived every, single, solitary moment - up until he died. I can't imagine what my mom is going through - seeing someone she loves - just not there anymore. I am so thankful I never saw that. So my heart hurts for her, too.
It will probably be any day - and I pray it's sooner rather than later. That makes me feel awful to say - but it's honest. She just isn't who she was. She has lived - and has a legacy behind her. I just hope she knows how much we love her - and it's okay for her to go. She doesn't have to live forever, we will be okay.
