I knew my birthday didn't matter. I knew it. And I am rarely wrong.

I wrote this on my birthday ... but wasn't sure if I wanted to post it or not.  I decided to go with it.... so here ya go.

"So, today was my birthday. Today I turned 37 years old. Or as I like to to say, the eighth anniversary of my 29th birthday. For those of you who knew me when I was married to Shaun, you knew that birthdays were really huge deal to him as they were to me. Birthdays to him, were like your own personal holiday. It was a day for you to be pampered and taken care of more so than any other day of the year. And for those of you who knew us then, you knew that financially we were strapped. But money never mattered to him - he did whatever to show me that I was a princess that day. And he did it like a champ. So once Shaun passed away, birthdays became like a horrible reminder of a horrible day.

My first birthday after Shaun passed away was absolutely horrible and beautiful at the same time. The reason being,  because I had friends who rallied around me and cared about my heart. But, that being said, it was still a horribly sad day for me. I remember my friend Jacqueline, bringing me her famous special black chocolate cake and it was absolutely delicious. I stood in the kitchen, while my friends sung "Happy Birthday" to me and put a huge smile upon my face, while I held my baby on my hip and my other two children surrounded me. I was so excited that I had people that love me enough, to put forth the effort to try to make the day less painful, but still felt sad down in my soul. Although, I knew I was blessed to see another year because I know what it's like not to see one, I was still sad. To be honest, I felt like I would never be able to celebrate a birthday and be happy, no less - one of my  own. 

But this year, was a game changer. It was a whole new feeling to be in a situation where I moved to a new state to a new town and knew only 3 people,  14 months ago. But from the second that I woke up this morning, I was treated like a straight princess. I know that Shaun was looking down from heaven smiling at me, and saying "Baby, this is they was your birthday is supposed to be." 

I realize, that I have made friends here that will be true lifelong friends. There are people here who love me. Love my heart, my soul, and my spirit - just because I am me.  It isn't because I am Shaun Greenberg's widow - or because I am Scott's wife.  It's because I'm Kristie. Just me.  I know that there are people who knew me before Shaun, during Shaun, and after he passed - who love me for me. But when you are relatively new area, and you arrive to your workplace - and your work family has went above and beyond - it's mind blowing. I actually sat in my office today, and cried.  Not a sad cry, but they type of cry where - 
1.  You feel like you belong.
2.  You feel so blessed.
3.  You feel loved.  
And by people who haven't known you that long.
They all went above and beyond to make sure that my day was special - and it was. When there are people who post on your Facebook wall-which I know sounds completely ridiculous, that's a big deal for me. They still took time out of their day to say happy birthday. My brother and sister-in-law took the time to find the address of where I work or send me a gift which meant a lot. My mother and father-in-law came by to see me on my actual birthday I took time out of their day to say hey we love you happy birthday. My family, that lives in my house, makes me feel special every day. And for that I'm thankful. But, to have people outside of your own four walls, make you feel special - is amazing.

To find people that will support you, even when they know you are on a diet and going to the gym, will give you the dark temptation of chocolate cake, it's awesome. The people have listened, and not just listened - retained the things that you've said - just to make you feel special- it's amazing. Whether it be a bottle of Fiji water or a chocolate cake or a label maker or skull and cross bones - to know your valued as a human, a friend, and a woman - is a great feeling. Tonight, I will go to bed with a heart full of gratitude for the blessings that I've been given. Thankful for every single person who has touched me today. My best friend, the girl who is Siamese at heart, Jacqueline, has said to me, "To Honor your Moments" . Today I will honor this day, not only for the pain that my mother went there to get me here, the importance that Shaun had it to make birthdays feel special, or just another year gone by. Today I will honor my moments, by taking time to reflect all those who honored me. .  I will go to bed with a smile upon my face, and happiness in my heart knowing that I am loved.  Thank you for being my friends, my family, and my heart. I love everyone of you all and I hope that on your birthday you feel special as special as I do.  God has blessed me in ways I never thought possible.  So, I was wrong.  My birthday mattered a lot.  Little did I know, it mattered the most to me."

Confucious, Buddha, Ghandi - those guys don't get me. I just wanna suck a little less.

So, I started writing this blog with every intention of it going in one direction - and the more I researched, the more it went off kilter.  So, I just decided to go with it.  And what this blog is about - is failure.  How many times a day do we face that?  A billion.  Failure as an employee, a friend, a parent - you name it.  So I was gonna write a "pull yourself up by your bootstraps" type of blog... and well - here we go.

I have a normal day job.  And I work for a big company.  And we have different ratings - and our numbers are what matter.  At the end of the day - the numbers need to line up.  For someone like me - that is a good and a bad thing.  I like numbers - because they are a definite point to gauge things.  I hate them for the exact same reason.  Sometimes, I don't want certain things measured - especially if I am struggling in that area.

My boss has two sayings:
1. My goal for you today - is to suck a little less than yesterday.  I don't expect perfection overnight.
2. Give me a chance to suck first - before you assume the worst.

Although crass, words to live by.  And I have been diligent to get my "work" numbers where they need to be.  And guess what?  They got there.  And guess what I figured out by that?  I can do anything that I can set my mind to. Like really, I can.  If I can change those numbers? I can move Mt. Everest.

Now, take it on a bigger picture than my day job.  What would happen if we really tried - to change our situations for what our hearts desired?  Like really tried.  Not sitting around complaining about how other people have it so much easier - it falls in their lap - etc.  If we actually worked for it?  Spent time acting rather than wishing.  Got out of our "comfort zone" to get what we wanted.  Actually worked for it with a goal insight.  I think it would be incredible.  I am really kinda preaching to myself now.   Just sayin.

But as I was going to give a great blog on "conquering failures", I decided that sucking less each day - working to achieve my goals is a good place to start.  And I read a whole bunch of profound quotes by Confucious, Buddha, Ghandi, Edison, and a lot of others - about overcoming failure.  I don't think they had the heart of a writer -- and a technical day job.  So today - Let's be a little better than yesterday - or suck a little less.