Real life superheroes!

Yesterday was father’s day. And it was the perfect ending to a perfect weekend. A lot of things happened this weekend. First, my trash hole of a garage got completely cleaned out. I got rid of years and years of baggage. And I would have never thought that it was such a burden – but it definitely was. Also, I got rid of Shaun’s truck. A couple of my friends took it – and they will be able to use it. And it makes me so happy. I couldn’t use that truck, and it almost felt like a casket in the driveway. And opportunity presented itself, and I took it. And I am so thankful that I did so. And I know it would make him happy too. Then I had a great evening out. And then there was father’s day. And I heard the most amazing sermon that really got me thinking.

I had the most faithful parents in the world. What my parents did, bringing me up with prayers and love, put grace and love all over me. They stored up mercy from God on my behalf. Let me be completely honest – I drove my parents nuts. I wasn’t an easy child. About the age of seventeen, I decided that I knew everything – and they knew nothing. But guess what – they never waivered. I am sure I their knees were raw, and eyes burning – but they prayed. And I know that because of their tears and prayers – that is why I am where I am at today. I have went through some rough things, but I am still here. And now I will pray for my children. Cry for them. Beg for God to intercede on their behalf and protect us all. And do my best to be the type of parent that mine were. I am so sorry I put them through so much. But I am also so humbled by the fact that they remained a steadfast part of my life.

So this is a thank you – to both of them. And for making yourselves such amazing people/ starting a cycle of faithfulness, love and prayer/ and teaching me how to be a strong child of God with my feet planted firmly in my faith. Thank you for showing me how to be happy. Thank you for showing me true love is real. Thanks you for showing me what is important in life. You not only changed my eternity – you have changed many. I love you guys – more than you can ever know.

Lovely lips or mercenary mouth?

Something that I can honestly say Shaun rarely did was call someone a bad name. He wasn’t perfect – but it wasn’t his standard practice. And, this week, I have learned the importance of controlling your tongue. God gave us two ears and one mouth for a reason. And to call people ugly names, is well, just not nice. Not that I really have to tell you that, it’s just a fact. Anyway, I digress.
So here was my situation. I tried my best to explain a situation to another person in a calm and rational way. Was I annoyed? Absolutely. 100%. And should I have been? Probably not. Probably shouldn’t have cared in the least. But I did. But when I tried to explain why it bothered me – I felt like I got slapped by a ration of insults. And, for the first time in my adult life, I didn’t cry. I didn’t get upset. I didn’t feel slighted. Part of me chuckled – because it was completely false and I knew my intentions, and understood my own feelings. The other part of me felt very sad. Not sad for myself, but sad for her. To unleash a strong fury upon me – that just showed me that it wasn’t anything I said or did – that was inside her. That was a sadness lurking in her heart – and it might have made her feel better to unleash it. And if it felt good to unleash it, then I am glad it was on me. Cause I can handle it.
But then I sat down and thought, “Where did this massive amount of anger come from?” And who knows. I am sure I will never know. I don’t need to know. But what I hope is this – that before you hurl insults at someone, look inside yourself and see if you can figure out why you want to lash out. Is it really them? Are they striking a chord in your heart viciously? Because, I would dare bet - that when we do that – what we are actually doing is trying to make ourselves feel better at someone else’s expense. I am sure I have done it. I will probably do it again. I just hope that if a situation arises that gets me going – I am able to breathe and reflect – remember this day – and keep my mouth shut and my heart open.
I guess, to sum it up, I feel comforted by the thought that each mistake that I make in life, is a great opportunity to learn a valuable lesson.

I know I am not Superman.

What would you do, if you knew there was no possible way of failing? I read that somewhere, like Pinterest, Facebook – not exactly sure where – but it made me think. I have got some amazingly successful friends. People that have lived their dream – at least to me they have. One of my friends is a photographer for the local newspaper – and I think – that’s the coolest job ever. And I wonder, if people told him, “No way – you can’t make a living at that.” Same goes with another friend of mine – who is an amazing artist. So, I pose this question more as a question to myself. Because, sadly, I don’t know what that answer is. It seems like such an impossible idea that I can’t even get my mind around it. How do you project what you could do if you had superman powers? Because I know that I don’t have superman powers.
I mean, would a be a missionary? A writer? Learn French? Maybe all? Where do you start? I have learned life is short – and that fear is nothing but being afraid of something that has yet to happen. So, you are being scared of nothing, besides your mind. Which, is silly. But now that I have realized that – how do I figure out what my dream is? I guess, in many ways, I feel like I am living a dream. I went through a nightmare. And once you have been through a complete nightmare – it’s amazing how the everyday normal makes you feel like you are living in a eutopia. Not that I am complaining, I am definitely not – I’d much rather be here than in that nightmare.
So, maybe this blog is it. Maybe I would write more often. Maybe I was afraid of running out of things to write about. But who am I kidding. I can always talk. I guess I will continue to ponder this question – and I will let you know what I figure out. Any thoughts?

I may be being silly- but I bet even suoerman had dreams he was afraid of. Just sayin.

Almost a year....

It is insane how slowly and quickly time goes by. I sit here and I think of all that has transpired over the past year, and it doesn’t seem possible. First, it still seems surreal that Shaun is gone. I can’t believe it. I can still hear his laugh, see his quirky and crooked smile. I still remember what it feels like to kiss his forehead. And for that I will always be thankful. And I make myself remember it each day. I don’t ever want to forget. But, I have also learned to be joyous in his death. This past week has been heavy for me. That’s the only way that I know to describe it. It has felt like a huge weight in my chest – sometimes making it hard to breathe. And I realized that I was wracked full of guilt. And I know – I know – believe me – that I couldn’t have prevented his death – but part of me wondered. You know what I mean, the heart part – not the head part. My head knew there was nothing – but my heart, well that’s a different story. And then, yet again – I had one of those occurrences. And it’s too weird to get into on this blog, but it changed me. It helped me. And I know, there was nothing I could have done. And I know he’s happy. And I know that he will be there waiting on me when it’s my time. But I also know he wants me to be happy, and to live. He wants me to finish what he started. He wants me to change the world one person at a time. He wants me to dream my biggest dream, and do it. And, I know he always has my back. He loved his creator so much – and he is happy to be with him. I still dread June 23rd – don’t get me wrong – but for totally selfish reasons. But I am blessed – my love for Shaun is real. And it still goes on. Just in a different way. Always will. I want to live a long time – cause I have a lot to do – and I know he will be waiting with open arms when I get there.