On this day, years ago, I was sitting in the sunroom at my parents house. Leaves we gorgeous, the air was cool and crisp, and we had just came in from throwing a football. I look over at Shaun, and he had tears running down his face. I asked him, "What's wrong?" And he said to me, "This is all I ever wanted. I never thought it was possible." And then he died six and half months later. That was our last thanksgiving together, and he was so happy.
Now, I hear all the time, "You need to enjoy the day - you need to do it for the kids... Be happy his last thanksgiving was amazing." And yes, I do to an extent. It isn't being off - it isn't the holiday per se. Its the haunting memory that comes with it. I have been strong since he died. Over, and over, and over, and over. This day, affects me like birthdays- anniversary - christmas, affects others. Part of my heart breaks again. My throat doesn't want to swallow. My eyes feel burny. There is a part that feels lonely.
So, I came upstairs to get ready for my day. And I decided to let it out. I cried, hard - sitting in my bathroom floor. I decided to write this - because I know if I feel this way, others do too.
Today, I am gonna allow myself to mourn and be sad. Right now. In this minute. And then, I am going to be thankful. Happy. I am so blessed. I am so loved.
But, if you are mourning this thanksgiving - allow yourself. Just don't let it consume you. I have done that the last few years. Today will be different. I will acknowledge it. Let myself feel it. Be thankful that I am alive to feel it. And carry on.
