Power of positive affirmations.

I have a lot of friends who are believers in positive affirmations. And I'll be honest. Me- not so much. I try to do it. But, really - sometimes I feel stupid. I'm afraid someone will hear me and think I'm psycho.  I do try to think positive affirmations, at least in my own mind.  But, I struggle with verbalizing it. I believe in the power of the mind. But to sit and say them to myself? No. I don't.
But let me tell you something I learned today about a positive affirmation given out if he blue. Today- completely randomly- I was told by someone that they were proud of me. To quote, "It makes me proud of you. You do a lot. " These words shook me to my core. To hear someone, praise me- and be proud of me!?  Not because they have to.  Not because they are a parent.  Not because I was sad, and they were trying to build me up.  It was a moment of raw honesty. It seriously brought tears to my eyes. I got up. Went to the bathroom. And straightened myself up. Choked down those emotions, and came back and said thank you.
This is why I am writing this. If you are proud of someone - tell them.  I know it seems simple and stupid. It doesn't make a lot of sense - or maybe it just might be common sense. But it made me feel like one of the most special people on he face of the earth.  And made me feel empowered.  Like I can do anything I set my mind too.  So, if the opportunity arises - be someone's positive affirmation - because they might be like me.  And they just can't bring themselves to do it on their own.  You never know, it could mean a lot.  Take it from me - it really does.

You don't have to live forever, you just have to live.

Tonight, I am feeling kinda somber.  Yesterday - was my grandmother's 103rd Birthday.  And I know - It is amazing that she has lived to this age.  But to be honest, she isn't doing good at all.  I spoke to my mom yesterday, she has double pneumonia.  She is bed ridden.  She doesn't know where she is at - or who is with her.  She sometimes thinks that my mom, is her mom.  She is calling out for her own parents.  She is mostly blind.  It's just completely sad.

And what makes me feel so sad - is that she has lived.  And it's okay for her to go.  I am totally at peace with it.  I don't know if it is that I am hardened, and I worry that I am.  But I honestly feel like she has lived a long life - and she is now only existing.  She isn't living.  My grandmother, as I know her, has been gone for a little over a year.  This woman, now, isn't the woman I knew growing up.  My grandmother, would eat chocolate fudge cake and mix it with a peanut butter sandwich.  My grandmother, would go through pictures with me on her couch - and tell me about the things I did when I was little.  My grandmother put up her Christmas tree  way too early - just because she thought it was pretty.  This woman, in the nursing home, is just what is left of who she used to be.

You know, although I thought for awhile I would die myself when Shaun died, I didn't.  When he died - he was full of life.  He lived every, single, solitary moment - up until he died.  I can't imagine what my mom is going through - seeing someone she loves - just not there anymore.  I am so thankful I never saw that.  So my heart hurts for her, too.

It will probably be any day - and I pray it's sooner rather than later.  That makes me feel awful to say - but it's honest.  She just isn't who she was.  She has lived - and has a legacy behind her.  I just hope she knows how much we love her - and it's okay for her to go.  She doesn't have to live forever, we will be okay.

I knew my birthday didn't matter. I knew it. And I am rarely wrong.

I wrote this on my birthday ... but wasn't sure if I wanted to post it or not.  I decided to go with it.... so here ya go.

"So, today was my birthday. Today I turned 37 years old. Or as I like to to say, the eighth anniversary of my 29th birthday. For those of you who knew me when I was married to Shaun, you knew that birthdays were really huge deal to him as they were to me. Birthdays to him, were like your own personal holiday. It was a day for you to be pampered and taken care of more so than any other day of the year. And for those of you who knew us then, you knew that financially we were strapped. But money never mattered to him - he did whatever to show me that I was a princess that day. And he did it like a champ. So once Shaun passed away, birthdays became like a horrible reminder of a horrible day.

My first birthday after Shaun passed away was absolutely horrible and beautiful at the same time. The reason being,  because I had friends who rallied around me and cared about my heart. But, that being said, it was still a horribly sad day for me. I remember my friend Jacqueline, bringing me her famous special black chocolate cake and it was absolutely delicious. I stood in the kitchen, while my friends sung "Happy Birthday" to me and put a huge smile upon my face, while I held my baby on my hip and my other two children surrounded me. I was so excited that I had people that love me enough, to put forth the effort to try to make the day less painful, but still felt sad down in my soul. Although, I knew I was blessed to see another year because I know what it's like not to see one, I was still sad. To be honest, I felt like I would never be able to celebrate a birthday and be happy, no less - one of my  own. 

But this year, was a game changer. It was a whole new feeling to be in a situation where I moved to a new state to a new town and knew only 3 people,  14 months ago. But from the second that I woke up this morning, I was treated like a straight princess. I know that Shaun was looking down from heaven smiling at me, and saying "Baby, this is they was your birthday is supposed to be." 

I realize, that I have made friends here that will be true lifelong friends. There are people here who love me. Love my heart, my soul, and my spirit - just because I am me.  It isn't because I am Shaun Greenberg's widow - or because I am Scott's wife.  It's because I'm Kristie. Just me.  I know that there are people who knew me before Shaun, during Shaun, and after he passed - who love me for me. But when you are relatively new area, and you arrive to your workplace - and your work family has went above and beyond - it's mind blowing. I actually sat in my office today, and cried.  Not a sad cry, but they type of cry where - 
1.  You feel like you belong.
2.  You feel so blessed.
3.  You feel loved.  
And by people who haven't known you that long.
They all went above and beyond to make sure that my day was special - and it was. When there are people who post on your Facebook wall-which I know sounds completely ridiculous, that's a big deal for me. They still took time out of their day to say happy birthday. My brother and sister-in-law took the time to find the address of where I work or send me a gift which meant a lot. My mother and father-in-law came by to see me on my actual birthday I took time out of their day to say hey we love you happy birthday. My family, that lives in my house, makes me feel special every day. And for that I'm thankful. But, to have people outside of your own four walls, make you feel special - is amazing.

To find people that will support you, even when they know you are on a diet and going to the gym, will give you the dark temptation of chocolate cake, it's awesome. The people have listened, and not just listened - retained the things that you've said - just to make you feel special- it's amazing. Whether it be a bottle of Fiji water or a chocolate cake or a label maker or skull and cross bones - to know your valued as a human, a friend, and a woman - is a great feeling. Tonight, I will go to bed with a heart full of gratitude for the blessings that I've been given. Thankful for every single person who has touched me today. My best friend, the girl who is Siamese at heart, Jacqueline, has said to me, "To Honor your Moments" . Today I will honor this day, not only for the pain that my mother went there to get me here, the importance that Shaun had it to make birthdays feel special, or just another year gone by. Today I will honor my moments, by taking time to reflect all those who honored me. .  I will go to bed with a smile upon my face, and happiness in my heart knowing that I am loved.  Thank you for being my friends, my family, and my heart. I love everyone of you all and I hope that on your birthday you feel special as special as I do.  God has blessed me in ways I never thought possible.  So, I was wrong.  My birthday mattered a lot.  Little did I know, it mattered the most to me."

Confucious, Buddha, Ghandi - those guys don't get me. I just wanna suck a little less.

So, I started writing this blog with every intention of it going in one direction - and the more I researched, the more it went off kilter.  So, I just decided to go with it.  And what this blog is about - is failure.  How many times a day do we face that?  A billion.  Failure as an employee, a friend, a parent - you name it.  So I was gonna write a "pull yourself up by your bootstraps" type of blog... and well - here we go.

I have a normal day job.  And I work for a big company.  And we have different ratings - and our numbers are what matter.  At the end of the day - the numbers need to line up.  For someone like me - that is a good and a bad thing.  I like numbers - because they are a definite point to gauge things.  I hate them for the exact same reason.  Sometimes, I don't want certain things measured - especially if I am struggling in that area.

My boss has two sayings:
1. My goal for you today - is to suck a little less than yesterday.  I don't expect perfection overnight.
2. Give me a chance to suck first - before you assume the worst.

Although crass, words to live by.  And I have been diligent to get my "work" numbers where they need to be.  And guess what?  They got there.  And guess what I figured out by that?  I can do anything that I can set my mind to. Like really, I can.  If I can change those numbers? I can move Mt. Everest.

Now, take it on a bigger picture than my day job.  What would happen if we really tried - to change our situations for what our hearts desired?  Like really tried.  Not sitting around complaining about how other people have it so much easier - it falls in their lap - etc.  If we actually worked for it?  Spent time acting rather than wishing.  Got out of our "comfort zone" to get what we wanted.  Actually worked for it with a goal insight.  I think it would be incredible.  I am really kinda preaching to myself now.   Just sayin.

But as I was going to give a great blog on "conquering failures", I decided that sucking less each day - working to achieve my goals is a good place to start.  And I read a whole bunch of profound quotes by Confucious, Buddha, Ghandi, Edison, and a lot of others - about overcoming failure.  I don't think they had the heart of a writer -- and a technical day job.  So today - Let's be a little better than yesterday - or suck a little less.

Closing Time....

First of all, if you are reading this blog on a mobile device.... scroll down to the bottom of the page and click the button that allows you to see it as the web version.  And then - sit back and be amazed.  I changed the whole look of the blog - after years of it being the same.  And to you, that might not seem like a big deal - but for me - it's huge.  This blog started as a way to let the world know how I was surviving that day.  Now, it's transformed into much more for me.  It has turned into a way to share my thoughts, feelings, and views.  And that is something I used to be so scared to share.  I didn't want people to think that I was stupid - or tell me I was wrong, a million different fears behind being outspoken and open.

Well boy, have times changed.  While working on changing the look and the name of the blog - I read a lot of my old posts.  And It was funny and eye-opening to see the way I have transformed over the years.  And it also floored me that I have been doing this for YEARS!  How is that even possible?  I have learned so much in the past few years - and I have changed in so many ways.  I guess I had my "coming of age" a little later than most.

So here is what I want you to know about the new look.  And yes - It all pretty much radically changed.  I threw the blog up 7 days after Shaun died.  I wasn't really concerned about how it looked.  It was just a way to breathe.  Now, I want you to see me.  Who I am.  Now.  Because of this wicked journey that I had to go on.  And who I am is this - A girl who has had a lot of heartache and pain - but it has always been out weighed by the love and goodness I have had around me.  My life is not perfect - I have struggles.  But I am blessed beyond measure.  I have people who love me.  Care about me.  And help me daily.  What more can you ask for?

Now, If you haven't noticed - the name has changed, too.  It was "iwillalwaysloveyoushaun.blogspot.com" -- and well, that's a lot.  It's now http://www.princessprophecies.blogspot.com.  Because, that's where I am going.  Onward and upward.  Time to get the book out.  And link it all together.  So here is my first step - I changed the name.  I changed the look.  And I love it.  I hope everyone else does too!!!!!  And I want to thank my techie people who made this happen.  It made me deep down, like in the center of my core, happy.  You didn't have to do it - and I can't thank you enough for doing it anyway.

And here's the thing - It's "closing time" on the old... and like Semisonic, not Third Eye Blind - said, " Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end."  Here's my new beginning on this journey - and I am stoked.  Much more to come.  Love you all.  Xoxoxoxoxo

Yep… I'm Happy… It's for real.

So, if you are friends with me on Facebook - you see my daily antics with my family.  But, this Saturday, I posted a video of me and my kiddos lip-syncing to the Black Eyed Peas in my car.  To be honest, that is a normal Saturday for us.  I am a working mom, so Saturday is the day that we get errands done.  So - I turn errands into quality family time - as the best I can.  But - this video - got a huge response.  People were sharing the video that I didn't know.  And I was reading comments like, "That's a cool mom", "They are making boring fun"… , etc.  And then I got messages to my inbox.  And frankly, they were praising me for being happy.  And here's the thing - I am.

I was asked today, by a co-worker - "How are you always so upbeat and happy?  I mean, after all you have been through.  I haven't been through anything like that - and I don't know how you always so upbeat.  Always."  So I thought about it - and here's my answer.  First of all, I am not always upbeat.  I have a job that can be demanding.  I get stressed.  My kids try my patience at times.  I have problems.  I have struggles.  There are feelings deep down inside me that no one knows about.  Worries.  Stresses.  But, I acknowledge them everyday.  And choose to let it go.  I am happy.

I have been through a lot.  I found my husband after he died.  I worried about how I would support my kids.  I didn't know how I could afford to feed them at times.  And I had a huge network of people around me, who would help with anything, but I was too proud to ask/accept help.  My canned answer was "We are fine, but if I need anything, I will let you know."  There were points - where people loved me enough to force their help on me.  And that was the biggest gift ever.

But now, I don't have those worries anymore.  It's everyday life stresses.  But - everyday, I am happy.  I "honor every moment".  My friend, Jacqueline - coined that phrase for me.  Whether it's watching the moon glow over a lake, laughing with your kid struggling with shopping bags in the grocery store parking lot, and lip syncing like a 16 year old while driving down the road with your kids.  I will embrace every moment that I am given.  Because I realize that is all we have right now.  Those moments.  So hold on to each one, and laugh in each one.  And when you get overwhelmed - realize that next week it might not be an issue.  But if it is, work through it - and go on to the next one.

So here's a list of what I am happy about today.
1.  I went to the gym on time.  #winning
2.  I made it through another work day.  Although at times, that was a little shaky.  LOL!
3. When the garage door opens, I have 2 faces staring at me straight on - one in the rear view mirror - and everyone is excited to see each other.
4.  I have an iPod.  Music makes me happy.  I sing loud in the car - it isn't always lip syncing.
5.  I have a family that loves me.  My brother in law called me the other day, for no reason at all, just to say "Hi." and check in.  Curtiss - you rock.  That made my day.
6.  I know what it's like to love.  And be loved.
7.  I love my tattoos.  Anytime I am sad, I look at them and smile.  They all mean something to me.
8.  I have a Mac.  That should make anyone happy.  :-)

Have a great nite…. and go to bed happy.  XOXO

Making memories - one song at a time!

So, here I am again. Thought of something profound, and decided that I would share.  Today, I spent the whole day with my kiddos.  And that isn't something  that I get to do a lot, because I am a working mom.  And often, when I get a decent quantity of time with them, I try to fill it with "super fun" and "exciting" things to do.  Take for instance yesterday.  I told them on Friday night, that I would take them to dinner on Saturday - and they could pick the place.  Off to the Cheesecake factory we went.  And don't get me wrong, we had a great meal - talked, it was a good time.  But nothing compared to the time we had today.

I will say I am an unconventional mom in many ways - uber conventional in others.  All I want is to raise good, compassionate, level-headed kids - who don't act ridiculous and love God.  I don't care if they are athletes, singers, engineers, or ditch diggers.  I want them to work hard and love harder.  And enjoy every single moment of this life.

So, this afternoon we decide to go to the craft store to pick up a few things.  We were sitting in the office area, talking about what we needed (and by we - I mean Isabella and myself, Tariq would probably choke if he thought anyone was thinking he was 'crafting') and listening to iTunes.  Then we all started singing.

Well, what ensued, was a plan that involved painters tape, an Ipad, song selection, and a whole lot of laughing.  I learned something today - no matter how much "fun" you try to slam into a small amount of time, it will not be perfect.  What makes perfection is enjoying each other's personalities, and having fun in the moment.  Don't let those moments pass by.  And if possible… set it to music and record it - so you can keep it forever.  Oh yeah - and laugh.  Hard.  I know I did.  Hope you do too.

https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=439804076162386&set=vb.100003983935133&type=2&theater

June 23.

June 23rd is the worst day of the year. Consistently. For the past few years. Sure, I've had tough days. I've felt sick. I've been tired. But June 23rd has a dark cloud over it from sunrise. 

It's weird, when you are a widow, you okay that day over and over. Like how you felt that time of day. How you reacted. What it looked like outside.  Everything is a comparison. Since Shaun died- I have taken the day off of work- mainly because I have been scared to go in. That I would be a basket case. Emotional roller coaster. And I am going to work tomorrow. I am still afraid of all that. But I am gonna do it. I know it would make Shaun sick to think of us sitting around and being sad, but it's hard not to do. 

I am happy. I am healthy. I have an amazing family. Great friends. But- no matter how great and blessed I am - no one experienced what I did. No one knows those feelings. No one knows what I feel to this day. No one should find someone they love - dead. No one. Nonetheless, with kids upstairs. Sleeping. What I thought would be a normal day -- changed my whole trajectory. 

I love my life. I love where I am at in my life. But June 23rd is hard. So- I ask for prayers tomorrow. For strength. And a day where I can remember with more smiles than tears. And try to celebrate the day he got to meet Jesus rather than mourning the day he left us. 

That being said - Happy Anniversary to Heaven, Shaun. You are still loved and missed. 

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=mM0-ZU8njdo&feature=kp#

BREAKING NEWS!!!!! I am a crap magnet!

Now, I know that mommy just cringed when she read that title.  So first - Mommy, I apologize.  Publicly.  But - I am a poop magnet just didn't seem to be much of an attention getter.  But this is important - so I feel that it's important to catch some attention.  Over the past two weeks, I have done a lot of soul searching.  And for anyone who has ever done that - it is absolutely brutal.  I'd like to say that it's a beautiful and awakening experience, but fact of the matter - it blows.  And here is what I discovered.  I am a crap magnet.  And why?  Because I have been a negative, disobedient, and self serving Christian.  And not a very good Christian at that.

We all know - that for some time - I have talked about how I knew my calling was to write.  And I needed to write to get a message out.  Well guess what kiddos!?  Now forgive me for sounding like the old, southern, Christian Grandma - but when you know what you are supposed to do - the devil is gonna try to stop you.  And that he did.  And here is what is so shocking to me.  Well, first - I let him, to an extent.  Second, how he did it.  But since they are rolled into one - here is the story.

And before I say anything- let me state that this is my issue.  Not the company that I work for, nor the people I work with.  But I do have a difficult job, to an extent.  As I am sure that we all do.  I deal with people in a really bad moment of their lives - wrecked cars.  Ninety-five percent of the people I deal with, have had something bad happen to either their first of second largest investment.  And my job is to make sure their cars gets fixed correctly, in a timely fashion, or total them.  Frankly - all of them are hard for folks - just as it would be for me.  But, here's the kicker - I need them to LOVE me.  Not like me - LOVE me.  And for the most part they do.  Which is great, right?  I am a hard worker.  I love my customers.  I love the people I work with.  So what's the problem?

The problem is that it became an obsession for me.  I wanted to be the best.  I wanted the approval of all my customers.  I wanted to be the best adjuster.  Not because it was the right thing, because I wanted to be the best.  And then here is the kicker.  I let everything else go to the wayside.  I stopped writing my book.  Why? Because I was bitter.  I was angry.  I was sick of people being mad over a car - but acting like I cared.  I have that feeling often, of this - "You think that a wrecked car is bad?  I don't care that it has 11 miles on it.  I found my husband dead in a bathroom floor.  This car isn't a problem.  It's a hiccup."  But, in the sugary sweet voice, I tried my best to care - deep down.  But guess what - I didn't.

Don't get me wrong - I do want to make the process easy for people.  But then I want to make my bosses proud.  I want to get great numbers.  And I obsessed about it all.  I didn't go to work, and put in a good day's work, doing the right thing, and then go home.  I worked 60 hours a week.  I worked at work.  At home.  Driving to and from work.  I talked about it all the time.  And it made me bitter.  So, I became a crap magnet.

I read this weekend, that you when you complain - you become a crap magnet.  I complained.  About my stress.  My customers.  My bosses.  Their expectations.  The whole nine - so guess what?  I got a lot of complaints back.  Because misery loves company.  And when you start complaining to folks - they do it back.  So not only am I carrying my junk around - I am carrying theirs too.  So - as of yesterday - that's all done.  No more complaining.  I am planning on my exit to pursue what I love and know I need to do.  I am gonna blog more. Focus on my book.  Get it done  - It's 80% done anyway.  I am gonna be happy - change my attitude - and no longer be crap magnet.

Never Surrender. Yep, I am gonna quote Tupac.

May 2nd would have been Shaun's 33rd birthday.  My heart always feels heavy when I hear the word, May. Anyone who knew Shaun, knew he loved his birthday.  Another reason we were a great pair.  We loved our own birthdays.  It's like your own little personal holiday.  Started the day with breakfast in bed - or restaurant of his choice (depending on his mood).  Then we would go and get his birthday present.  Followed up with a family dinner out - and normally friends coming over that evening.  He loved his birthday.  So, every year - on his birthday - my heart feels heavy.  Sad for him.  Sad for the loss of him.  Sad for everyone that knew him.  Sad for me.  And it's a weird feeling - being sad.  There is a level of guilt that comes with that sadness once you have continued with your life.  And thankfully - my husband is a rockstar.  He gets it.  He knows that just because I am sad for Shaun- doesn't mean I love him less.  It's a situation that  I never thought I would be in.  And I am still stumbling through it.

This was the worst year so far.  On Thursday, May 1st, my sister-in-law and I were at a Charity event with some friends.  The salads had just been served when I noticed her take a phone call and walk out.  She comes back in literally about 4 seconds later - and says, "I need you - come on."  So I got up and left.  We walk away and go to the restroom area - and she turns with her eyes welled up with tears and tells me, "David is dead."  And something bizarre happened to me.  My insides felt like they were turning to stone.  David, is my brother-in-law.  My husband's brother.  I had never met him.  But, there was an unfortunate accident where he was living, and it was completely unexpected.  We know we are going to have to tell our husbands, but we don't know how.  Finally we call - and get everyone to the house.  And by this time - my insides were completely solid.

My husband's youngest brother - he is a fixer.  And so he was on it.  My husband - was in total shock.  And all I knew to do was hug him - and let him cry.  And then try to figure out the logistics.  Make sense of it all.  Research it all.  And then do whatever needed to be done.  I knew my job was to be the one who when someone says, "Go get a chicken and taco sauce, "  - I am gonna be the girl who gets it don't ask why.  I never realized how much those people helped me until after the fact.  But inside - I was stone.

Until Friday.  Shauns' birthday.  At about 10 o'clock.  I went to work that day.  Due to catastropic events in the panhandle - our team at work was short - so I needed to go in and finish some stuff.  Especially, not knowing what the next week was going to hold.  I walk out into the tow yard, and I am staring at a car.  And I hear one of the people walk up behind me - but I refuse to look at them.  He says, "You ok?" - and my insides began to shake and melt.  And tears started pouring.  And I began to ugly cry.  Shaking all over ugly cry.  And he looked shocked - but shut up and hugged me.  And let me cry.  And never questioned why.  I thought, "Why am I crying like an idiot?  It wasn't my brother - and I didn't know him.  Don't be the dramatic person, who is all overwrought.  Buck up girl, and handle it."  So I did.  But I was still confused as to my hugely emotional outbreak.

So for the past 2 days, I have also tried to figure that out.  Because after my 4 minute breakdown - I was solid again.  So I started writing down the random thoughts in my head - and here is what I came up with.  My heart was broken.  Broken for my husband.  My brother in law's.  My sisters in law.  My nieces and nephews.  I might not have known him personally - but my heart was broken for all the people I do love.  That I do know.  I know, all to well, the pain that they are going through and that they will go through.  I know how much their world is rocked.  I know their lives have a new dividing point - Before David died and After David died.

So, I wanted to buy them a book.  A sweet friend of mine gave me the book, "Tear Soup", when Shaun died.  It's a children's book - but it was exactly what I needed.  But, I thought, maybe there is something more appropriate for grown men losing a sibling.  There is not.  There are more books about losing a pet than there are about a sibling.  And then I cried again.  Two reasons this time.  And I finally figured out why.  
1.  I cannot imagine losing my sister.  I have had her my whole life.  And even thought we live super far away - there is a level of comfort of knowing she is there.

2.  This - the here and now - is their new normal.  And it sucks.  And it 's painful.  And it will get better - but it will never go away.

And here is something to think about - there is nothing out there for siblings.  And that shocks me.  Your siblings are the people that are supposed to be with you through everything.  All the hardtimes.  Your parents are not supposed to outlive your siblings.  It doesn't seem natural.  You prep yourself for the fact that your parents and grandparents will die one day.  Not your brother or sister.  Your siblings have been there for all you successes and failures.  They have seen you at your best and your worst.  You tell your deepest secrets to you them - and even if you don't tell - they know it anyway.

"Death is not the greatest loss in life.  The greatest loss in what dies inside while still alive. Never Surrender." - Tupac.   And I believe he nailed it.  Everytime you lose someone - and piece of you dies inside. That is the biggest loss of all.

And the loss of your sibling will remain with you the rest of their lives - just like they were supposed to.

Full-Time Life

Tonight, I was on a training calling with Rodan and Fields.  And before you think - this is an advertisement for Rodan and Fields, It isn't.  (Although it is amazing and you would love it. LOL!)  But, one of my upline leaders, Sarah Robbins, said - "Trade your part time hours for a full time life."  And wow.  That hit a cord with me.  A full time life.  So I started thinking about what is involved in what is currently my full-time life.

First thirty minutes of the day

1.  wake up

2. make sure Tariq is up

3. get ready

4. do my face regimen

5. pack my lunch - if I am on top of it.

6. leave for work.

Next 9 hours or so...

1. get to work

2. run reports

3. look at cars

4. find cars

5. answer phone

6. repeat

Last five hours or so

1.  Leave work

2.  arrive a daycare an hour or so later

3. get home

4. feed kids

5. make sure homework is done

6.  complete any "real job" stuff that hasn't been done.

7. shower

8. put kids to bed

9. do my face

10. sleep

My full time life is not quite what I had envisioned.  I love my job - well, I like my job.  I don't hate it.  But I wish I had more daytime.  I wish that I had more time to blog.  To continue my book.  To be a positive influence in others lives.  I want my full time life to bring joy to people that I meet for just a second.  I want people to understand the gravity of grace that has filled my life.  I want to change the world.  And it's hard to figure out how to change the world - when your day is already filled.  Remember back a couple years ago, where I was pumped - and motivated?  Easy how we can shirk back into complacency.

So here is what I decided.  I will make sure that I am purposely kind - and not in a customer service type of way.  I will work on both my jobs (Day job an Rodan and Fields) with purpose and intent.  I will write everyday - whether on a blog - or even ten more words on book.  I will change the world.  Because I am going to start living a full time life - everywhere I am at. Get ready - I am got my warface on - and it's gonna be a battle of myself.  

It takes guts to be gentle and kind.

That's the truth. I am writing this after pursuing my Facebook feed while watching Lifetime Movie network this am. And here is what I have learned today - and I guess I always knew it - but just kinda realized it I. The forefront of my brain. Men can also be abused. I never really thought about it before.

But here is what I saw. On lifetime- a woman little slapped, pushed, and poured coffee on her husband. All when she was drinking or angry. He never touched her back. He stayed at a point, to where he would walk away. Go for a drive. She would then incessantly text him. Post cryptic Facebook messages to get the world involved on their drama. And one day- she clawed his eye. He restrained her while calling 911. He was the one told to leave. He pressed charges. Filed for divorce. And she was convicted of malicious wounding and domestic abuse. 

And then, I get on Facebook this morning. If you don't have something good to say about someone - don't say anything! Especially on Facebook or Twitter. Especially when you have a child with that person. Those words will never be gone. The negativity that you put out there when you do that- mindblown. And children will make a decision when they get older. Don't make yourself easily look crazy. Don't say bad things about their other parent. I don't care what they did. If you truly love your child - you love their heart more than you love your own vindication. And honestly - you only make yourself look bad. It makes me almost pity the other party. 

In a world of anger, violence, and abuse - don't be a statistic. Whether you are male or female - if you are abused - get out. Being insulted, hit, screamed at, slapped, punched, scratched, and frankly / anything that is demeaning - is not right.  Get help. There is a lot of help out there. 

I will now resign from my soapbox this morning. 

Your welcome. :-)

Yes. I drank the Kool-Aid.

Catchy title, right? I wish I could take the credit for it - but I can't. I am just copying a question that has been posed to me more than a few times over the past 24 hours. And yes. I drank the Kool-Aid. And  if you have no idea what I am talking about - hang on. It's coming. 

First, when I post here - it's to tell a whole lotta people about my life all at one time. So when I started getting questions - I thought - wow. There's a blogpost. So now. Here we are. Now, for those of you who don't know. Yesterday I signed on to be a Rodan and Fields consultant. And if you go to Lifepoint Church in Fredericksburg - you know exactly what that is. It's all over Facebook. So hence - I drank the Kool-Aid. 

But here's what is important for people to know on my side. And my why. Because - I have seen the same things everyone else has. The before and afters. The "woohoo" I love this stuff. And to be honest- I thought it was a scam. Not that my friends from church were scammers - that they were scam-ees (if that is even a word). But then I saw the faces of my friends. Results could not be denied. I knew these people before they used it - and I know them now. People who cried in my arms with me. I've been in their faces. (Kellie, JoDee, and Krissie - I bet your faces are a lot softer now! Lol!). But this wasn't the canned before and after infomercial pics. This was my friends. So I thought.... Hmmm. It works. That's positive. But who gets Into multi-level marketing? SUCKERS! 

Well, that was in October. It's now March. I researched. Considered. Purposely looked for negatives. I researched a model behind Multi level marketing. And then I found out Warren Buffet is a huge supporter - aka pampered chef. And this is what I learned. Multi level marketing is not easy. You don't buy a kit and become a millionaire. You have to invest. Work. Plan. Be intentional. Share. Promote. And to be honest - it is nothing that I don't do every single day. At my day job. So a work ethic? I got that. Believe in a product? I got that too. Control over how much I make? Not so much. Maybe a bit- but not a lot. 

So I came to the realization In about January that it could work. But, I still wasn't sold. I am a huge - I REPEAT - huge skeptic.  And here was what sold me. On February 10- my husband was admitted to the hospital. Gal bladder surgery. Nothing huge - had to have his gal bladder removed. I had mine taken out years ago. But when you have lost a spouse , every sniffle is huge. Every pain is scary. Every fever shakes your core. I stayed with him for four days in the hospital. He came home - and is doing great. But it mentally wrecked me. I was worried about him. ( and I admit - overly worried. I am working on it - praying about it too.) But I was also worried about my job. My customers. I care about my job. My co-workers. My customers. I want everyone to be happy. I don't want to cause them any stress. (Another issue. We all know I've got them.)

Then Jacoby got sick. Stomach flu. Exhausted nights. Shift work of puke and poop. You have been there - I am sure. And then- whole driving to work glossy eyed - I thought, "Make a plan to be home.  Quit saying sideways - I wish I could stay home and make some money. I wish I could. Do it. ". 

Now- my husband has a job. I could quit. He could support us. But I am a widow. And for those widows out there - financial security is an absolute must in our brains - or at least a good few I have talked to. I will always work as long as I am able. I want to be able to contribute signicantly - and be able to support our household alone. You never know what could happen. I am a worst situation kind of planner. I need to be employed for my own peace of mind. And I am laughing as I am reading this - because it sounds like I am expecting catastrophic events to occur - and it's not the case. It's a security blanket. And I love being productive.  That's just me. 

So. There it is In a nutshell. 

A big nutshell. But a nutshell. 

Let's Summarize. 

1.  Thought it was a bunch of bull. 

2. Everyone looks amazing. 

3. Junky business model and would never make a dollar. 

4. Everyone looks amazing!

5.  Whoops - Great model. Just have to work. 

6.  Oh - and I forgot a few. Google it. Accolades. Celebrities use it. (Celebrities also use crack - so that's not what I mean per se - just cut me some slack here.) Stanford Dermatolgists. Used in spas. 2+ year waiting list to see them in Their practice. 

7.  Everyone looks amazing!

And frankly, I love clothes. Makeup. Shoes. Hair. All things loud and noticeable. But - not my skin. I want that pristine. And I hope I can be successful - help others do the same - and help more people look even more amazing!!! 

Love you all!!

www.kristieweinstein.myrandf.com

Send me a message if you have any questions!