He has now been gone for 4 years....

I had a post written previously, that I was gonna post today.  But, on my drive home - I changed my mind.  So if it seems like it rambles, I apologize in advance.  I had the benefit of telling a guy I worked with today, about Shaun.  Telling him that today was the anniversary of his death.  And he, in turn, told me about his friend Sean, that had passed awhile back.  And he said to me, "I view death differently.  Although it is sad that they are gone - I look at it that at least I had the opportunity to know this person."  And as he said that, it stung my heart.  It made me take a different turn.  And I am so thankful I had those years with Shaun.  I really am.  That being said, today still sucks.  This day reminds me of the fear, pain, stress, shock, and deep throat sadness I felt that day.  I hope it gets better as time goes on, but as I have previously stated, I am not a fan of June 23rd.

On my drive home, I thought about that - blasting my iPod in the background.  And I thought about the changes that I have made in my life since he is gone.  I have done things I never would have thought possible.  I have spoken in front of crowds.  I have started a blog.  A website.  I have helped people.  I have worked my fingers to the bone.  I scrimped and saved.  I struggled.  I was a pit bull, fighting for her pups.  My relationship with my children morphed into something I never knew it could.  I never knew - the level of passion and protection I could have for them.  I thought I knew before, but I had no idea.  I am proud of the woman I have become.

But, that being said - there are some bad that came with it.  I am much more callous. I am much more choosey over what I will shed my tears over.  I can be vicious.  But at the same time, I still can cry when someone else is sad.  I guess, sometimes I can play down others issues, because they weren't as dramatic as mine.  But I am working on that.  I want to help people be happy.  I want people to love like there is no tomorrow.  I want them to know what I know - without the journey to go with it.

So here is what I am trying to say.  Shaun Greenberg, You changed my heart, mind, and soul forever.  I love you.  I always will.  And I will make you proud.    I promise that.  So, below, I am posting a song.  I love this version.  Listen to it - all the way through.  I feel like the first part, is me.  The second part, is what Shaun would sing back.  I knew the first time I heard this - It strung a chord in my heart.  I didn't realize until today - why.  And if you wanna know how I feel - that nails it.  100%. I can't write it down any better than he can sing it.

Never Surrender. Yep, I am gonna quote Tupac.

May 2nd would have been Shaun's 33rd birthday.  My heart always feels heavy when I hear the word, May. Anyone who knew Shaun, knew he loved his birthday.  Another reason we were a great pair.  We loved our own birthdays.  It's like your own little personal holiday.  Started the day with breakfast in bed - or restaurant of his choice (depending on his mood).  Then we would go and get his birthday present.  Followed up with a family dinner out - and normally friends coming over that evening.  He loved his birthday.  So, every year - on his birthday - my heart feels heavy.  Sad for him.  Sad for the loss of him.  Sad for everyone that knew him.  Sad for me.  And it's a weird feeling - being sad.  There is a level of guilt that comes with that sadness once you have continued with your life.  And thankfully - my husband is a rockstar.  He gets it.  He knows that just because I am sad for Shaun- doesn't mean I love him less.  It's a situation that  I never thought I would be in.  And I am still stumbling through it.

This was the worst year so far.  On Thursday, May 1st, my sister-in-law and I were at a Charity event with some friends.  The salads had just been served when I noticed her take a phone call and walk out.  She comes back in literally about 4 seconds later - and says, "I need you - come on."  So I got up and left.  We walk away and go to the restroom area - and she turns with her eyes welled up with tears and tells me, "David is dead."  And something bizarre happened to me.  My insides felt like they were turning to stone.  David, is my brother-in-law.  My husband's brother.  I had never met him.  But, there was an unfortunate accident where he was living, and it was completely unexpected.  We know we are going to have to tell our husbands, but we don't know how.  Finally we call - and get everyone to the house.  And by this time - my insides were completely solid.

My husband's youngest brother - he is a fixer.  And so he was on it.  My husband - was in total shock.  And all I knew to do was hug him - and let him cry.  And then try to figure out the logistics.  Make sense of it all.  Research it all.  And then do whatever needed to be done.  I knew my job was to be the one who when someone says, "Go get a chicken and taco sauce, "  - I am gonna be the girl who gets it don't ask why.  I never realized how much those people helped me until after the fact.  But inside - I was stone.

Until Friday.  Shauns' birthday.  At about 10 o'clock.  I went to work that day.  Due to catastropic events in the panhandle - our team at work was short - so I needed to go in and finish some stuff.  Especially, not knowing what the next week was going to hold.  I walk out into the tow yard, and I am staring at a car.  And I hear one of the people walk up behind me - but I refuse to look at them.  He says, "You ok?" - and my insides began to shake and melt.  And tears started pouring.  And I began to ugly cry.  Shaking all over ugly cry.  And he looked shocked - but shut up and hugged me.  And let me cry.  And never questioned why.  I thought, "Why am I crying like an idiot?  It wasn't my brother - and I didn't know him.  Don't be the dramatic person, who is all overwrought.  Buck up girl, and handle it."  So I did.  But I was still confused as to my hugely emotional outbreak.

So for the past 2 days, I have also tried to figure that out.  Because after my 4 minute breakdown - I was solid again.  So I started writing down the random thoughts in my head - and here is what I came up with.  My heart was broken.  Broken for my husband.  My brother in law's.  My sisters in law.  My nieces and nephews.  I might not have known him personally - but my heart was broken for all the people I do love.  That I do know.  I know, all to well, the pain that they are going through and that they will go through.  I know how much their world is rocked.  I know their lives have a new dividing point - Before David died and After David died.

So, I wanted to buy them a book.  A sweet friend of mine gave me the book, "Tear Soup", when Shaun died.  It's a children's book - but it was exactly what I needed.  But, I thought, maybe there is something more appropriate for grown men losing a sibling.  There is not.  There are more books about losing a pet than there are about a sibling.  And then I cried again.  Two reasons this time.  And I finally figured out why.  
1.  I cannot imagine losing my sister.  I have had her my whole life.  And even thought we live super far away - there is a level of comfort of knowing she is there.

2.  This - the here and now - is their new normal.  And it sucks.  And it 's painful.  And it will get better - but it will never go away.

And here is something to think about - there is nothing out there for siblings.  And that shocks me.  Your siblings are the people that are supposed to be with you through everything.  All the hardtimes.  Your parents are not supposed to outlive your siblings.  It doesn't seem natural.  You prep yourself for the fact that your parents and grandparents will die one day.  Not your brother or sister.  Your siblings have been there for all you successes and failures.  They have seen you at your best and your worst.  You tell your deepest secrets to you them - and even if you don't tell - they know it anyway.

"Death is not the greatest loss in life.  The greatest loss in what dies inside while still alive. Never Surrender." - Tupac.   And I believe he nailed it.  Everytime you lose someone - and piece of you dies inside. That is the biggest loss of all.

And the loss of your sibling will remain with you the rest of their lives - just like they were supposed to.

The heart of my little boy.

I am the mom to a fourteen year old boy, and 10 year old girl, and a three year old little boy.  I love my children in many different ways.  My oldest was my first child, he grew up with me in a way.  My daughter came next, and she is like my little mini me.  And then Jacoby, the baby.  The child that I am in complete awe of, everytime I look at him, because I know just how precious he is.  And I know, after having two before him, how fleeting this time is in his life and to appreciate the moments.

But tonight, I am talking about my oldest.   I have never been a fourteen year old boy.  I can't imagine what that is like.  I have never had divorced parents.  I never lost a parental figure.  I never was a stepchild.  My son, has experienced more in his fourteen years more than I have, in many ways.  And for the most part, he is a well mannered, well spoken young man.  Does he do things that drive me absolutely crazy?  More than you could ever know.  But does he have a good heart? The best.

I am writing this because he has weighed on my heart a lot lately.  I moved him across the country - and he was willing to go.  He started a new school, that is triple in size than the high school that he would have went to, and he went with a smile.  No fear.  His first day of school - he didn't have a schedule.  He went with a smile.  I have never been as strong as that kid.  He has seen more in his fourteen years than many people in the US see in their lives.  He has experienced more pain, and pain of his family, than I ever came close to.  And he still does it with a smile.

So what I am saying, Is I am thankful.  Thankful for the resilience of a child.  Thankful for all that he has taught me.  Thankful for the trips we have went on together.  The adventures we have had.  And I look forward to the many to come.  I have not been the perfect parent, I wish I had.  I have learned a lot with him - and I know that I am a better parent to Bella because of it, and even better to Jacoby.

To be honest, on June 22, 2011 - Tariq was a little boy.  On June 23, 2013 - he was almost a man.  Overnight he grew up - literally.  And he has never been the same.  I think, at times, I have expected a lot from him, because of how adult he can act.  Which makes me sometimes forget, that he is still a kid. Learning.  Figuring things out.

So this post is for my son.  I love you Tariq.  To the moon and back again - and I know I am not the perfect momma.  But you are most definitely the perfect son.  And God blessed me so much by giving me  you.  I love you baby.... More than you could ever know.  And I just felt like you should know it too!

Promise of a New Day....

Every night when we go to sleep - we have the promise of a new day.  It's a promise - not a guarantee.  We  know that the sun will rise, the earth will rotate,  somewhere it will rain, somewhere the sun will shine.  But we don't know, what the new day will bring.  I have had numerous - too many to count - that I would change.  I would change the way things went from the second I wake up, to the second that I go to bed.  There's days where I wouldn't change a thing.  There are days where I wish I could just hit the delete button - rewrite that day - and insert a new ending.  But, what we can control is what we decide to do with our new day, if we are blessed enough to see it show up.

Too many people have passed away, had serious illnesses, or have had serious struggles lately.  People that I know personally.  But today, a lot has popped up in my path.  I have asked a lot of questions.  Have tried to project what Shaun would advise me to do.  And, it's a good thought process to have.  I am thankful I trusted him enough to want to take his advice.  Anyway, I digress.  So, here is what I have came up with - ready for this?  Live today like you could die any second, but plan like you are going to live forever.  To sum it up - Don't be overly cautious and not live today to the fullest.  But don't be so exuberant in your life - that you miss great possibilities for your future...  Once again - Live the Dream.

Fly, Raven, Fly...

So, just to start this off... It's probably obvious that I have done quite a bit of thinking this week.  This goes hand in hand with quite a bit of crying.  I can't seem to do one, without the other following suit.  But,  one thing that I keep thinking about is how drastically my life has changed.  I see people walking around - doing their normal.. and I am envious.  I remember June 23rd like a horrible nightmare.  I feel that moment of panic - and remember how it turned into intense pain.  Pain like I have never known.  I cried until my voice no longer sounded like myself.  (I have a Tennessee accent - my friends told me that I completely lost it in that time frame.) I felt like my world came crashing down... And then a few days later, I am left to sift through the ruins of what was once my life.  But I am still living.  And I didn't, and sometimes still don't, know how to do just that.  I know it seems simple, breathe in and out.  Never thought that would be such a difficult task.

But for those of you who knew Shaun, he was die hard ravens fan.  Committed to the core.  Got a tattoo of them.  But the way he loved them - was intense.  He "WAS" a raven.  And he is my raven.  But I did a little research about the ravens, cause I am a research kind of girl.  And here is what PBS told me...
"Long recognized as one of the most intelligent birds, the raven also has a less than savory image throughout history as a scavenger that does not discriminate between humans and animals.  Ingenious and versatile, ravens are members of the crow family, which includes jays and magpies. They are found everywhere in the northern hemisphere and adapt to very different terrain, from deserts to mountains — a feat requiring high intelligence." 
That's the main idea.. but then I realize how true a raven Shaun was.  He was brilliant.  And he made people nervous sometimes.  He was big, tall, tattooed, and had a deep voice.  He was bald and fierce looking - and beautiful.  He could adapt anywhere he went.  He was open-minded.  And would figure out how to make the best of any dire situation.  And although I know that he would be broken hearted in this situation, he would fly.  Because that's who he was.


So, I have to do the same.  I have to cling to the idea of what would he do in this situation.  He would stay focused on God, the kids, and whatever it was the he needed to do to make sure they were okay.  He would be on  his knees begging God for answers - and clinging to everyone that he got.  And I am going to let  him lead now.  Just like he always did.  I am going to do exactly what he would do.  I am going to do what he would tell me to do.  And he would cry, and would be sad, and would struggle.  But he would be okay in the end. 


So here is my prayer. God please help me - help me fly like he would - I am waiting to be rescued from this pain and grief - I cling to your promises - Help ease my pain - and help me see that my Raven is flying - and still protecting and guarding my heart.    


So, Shaun, Fly - my Raven - Fly.... And one day I will get to fly alongside you... but maybe I will be an Eagle... (That part is kinda funny if you know us - He was a Baltimore Ravens Fan - I am a Philadelphia Eagles fan...).