The Crap that I Lie about.

Well, I guess I feel like owe you an explanation for last night’s video.  It was surrender and defeat.  That’s it.  That sums it up.   Today, though – is a new day.  And who knows?  I might be crying on Facebook later.  But hopefully, I won’t. 

You wanna know what is different this morning compared to last night?  Well, I can tell you what is the same.  My kid is still trying me. Well, in his defense he is still asleep – but you get what I am saying.  My bills are still ever present.  Health issues – exact same.  The difference is my mindset, for now.  That being said – that can change, too.  But hopefully, today – I kill it. 

I got a lot of direct messages last night, and some comments that you all can see.  And my whole goal in that video was just to let one person know they aren’t alone.  Because, tbh, scrolling facebook – I felt like the biggest loser on the planet.  Especially the day after Easter.  I saw the beautiful families in beautiful matching clothes.  Having beautiful family dinners.  And don’t get my lying – I even saw my own family having a beautiful dinner in Tennessee – but I can’t afford to travel home every holiday and I live a million miles away – and I chose that.   It made me happy but also jealous.  And yes – I don’t care what anyone says – you can have both emotions.  My therapist said so.  LOL!

And then, I looked at my own page.  And guess what I saw.  A beautiful family.  Having a beautiful family brunch.  And based upon my scrolling – we looked absolutely perfect and picturesque.  On the outside, it looks like we are happy, and killing it.  And we are happy.  And we are killing it.  But, here’s the freaking truth.  We struggle.    I struggle as a mom.  I question if I am a good one.  I have guilt when I just want to sit alone.  That guilt comes from me working. But I have to work, to keep a roof over their head...  I could go on and on with that alone.

I struggle financially.  I am a one income household and I got three kids.  To anyone with kids – nuff said, right?  At times, I wonder if I will ever be financially sound.  If I will ever not have that worry of money.  Today, with the sun out and shining down – I know that this is just a moment – and it will get better. 

I struggle with myself worth.  I struggle with admitting what my dreams are.  I struggle with the fear of people making fun of me, if I tell them what my dreams are.  And for those people who say, “I don’t care what anyone thinks” – LIAR!  LOL!  We are biologically designed to care what other think.  But I want to write and speak.  I want to let people understand how valued they are.  I want to help.  I want to change the world.

I also want to be healthy.  I want to travel.  I want to be married one day – madly in love with my guy.  I want romance.  I want to make it a full day without crying.  Or worrying.  Or questioning myself. 

I say all this to just say.  I feel you.  It isn’t easy.  So here is what this woman lies about. 

My lies: I'm fine.  Everything is great.  And sometimes, that is just false.  Not always - but sometimes.  Sometimes, I just want to cry and say "Today is freaking crap - My kid is being a jerk - I feel alone and overwhelmed - I'm sick of being sick... etc."  But I don't say it.  But now, I am gonna start.  Because guess what ?  My tribe, my closest, my people - all said - "You can tell me anything.  I understand.  I'm here.  What do you need."  Also they said, "I feel that way too sometimes.  It's a season.  We will get through this.  You are doing amazing."  It helps.  Telling people helps.  Telling you helped.  Writing this helped.  (And just so you know, I didn't fake cry in that pic.  That's real tears, that I sent to my friend, because they were leaving.  Those were real tears. LOL!)

It’s okay to be vulnerable and have fears.  You know what makes it even better? It’s when you are brave enough to admit it to yourself, and your loved ones.  Because then, you start to see a shift. 

So, thanks guys – for everything last night and today.  Who knows.   Maybe this is the start of something amazing. 

Feelings aren't Facts.

*Disclaimer – this was written almost a month ago.  I just wasn’t sure if I wanted to post it or not.  But, today – I thought someone could benefit from it.*

I hope this helps someone today.

Too much to get into all the details – but today – I felt unappreciated.  It’s one of those things where it was weighing on my mind and heart.  Where you feel your heart, like are actually aware of the organ in your chest.  Swallowing seemed difficult.  And I felt like the weight of the world on my shoulders and wanted to cry.  

And then,  it hit me.  I am doing what I can.  And I don’t need the outside approval of others to confirm that for myself.  So many people are focused on being  perfect, rich, smartest, best, number one, etc – and I felt like, here I am – trying to make my tribe (and all those related to it) feel  loved and valued.  While trying to productive, perfect, make money, have the best numbers, look pretty, and be noticed and successful. And I don’t feel like anyone cares or appreciates it.  And yes - I just admitted - I care about all the things that I said others focus on.  I am not judging.  I am just saying, I also try to add value and love to those I interact with first.

It hit me.  Stop focusing on feeling bad.  Focus on the fact that you are alive and happy.  Realize that not everyone is always going to behave the way you want them to.  And just because they don’t – doesn’t mean that they don’t care.  It just means – that they might be going through their own stuff.  They might not feel like they need to acknowledge it.  And honestly, why do I expect acknowledgement?  Shouldn’t I be doing it – because I mean it, I love them, and I want the best for them - with no level of expectation back? 

Absolutely.  Sometimes, things can get so overwhelming for me – I feel like I can’t breathe.  I have worn my emotions on my sleeve for years – but one day, I started choking them down.  And just because I choke them down – doesn’t mean that they aren’t there.  They just aren’t seen as visibly to everyone.    So, to everyone who tells me how strong I am – thank you.  But the only real strength I have, is being able to hide my feelings from most people.  

Here is real talk.  I am not that strong.  I am actually pretty weak.  I have basic needs.  I need to be loved.   Valued.  And appreciated.  I get lonely.  I get sad.  I get scared.  I get overwhelmed.  And all of that can happen in under thirty seconds!  Where I feel weaker – is the fact that I struggle with admitting that I am human.  There is a total of about 3 people on this planet who know that part of me.  I am grateful for them - because without them - I'd probably lose my mind.   I don’t admit it often.  But today, I thought – let it rip.  Someone needs to know it’s okay to be human, too.   But while we are being human – let’s extend some grace to our loved ones and let them be human, also. 

Because let's be honest - our feelings aren't facts.

Xoxo.

Kristie

Fierce. Focused. And Fabulous.

Good tag line, right? 

I bet ya are like... Woah.  Kristie is back!  I know.. I know... I haven't posted in 9 months.  Think about that.  That's the time it takes to have a baby!!!!!!!! I could tell you all the reasons I haven't posted, but to be honest, I don't even know what they are myself.  So, I can give you a little update.  It's 2018, my first post of 2018! But 2018 has been good to me...  I mean, look at the title of the post. 

So, If you all know that chick, introduce me.  Because I am definitely not talking about myself.  But let's be honest.  Life Goals.  At any given point, I might be one of those things, but not all three.   But I am a whole lot more intelligent that I was in 2017.  Forty has been good to me.  It has been super tough, but super great.  I am finally coming into my own self.  My own confidence.  My own voice. 

This year, I have learned a few things, and that's why I am writing this blog.  I wanted to share.
1.  If there is something that you don't like about yourself.  Change it. It might not be easy, but it will be worth it.  If you don't like your hair, cut it - or grow it out.  If you don't like that you smoke - quit.  If you don't like your pants size - do something to change it.  If you don't like your attitude - check it.
2.  Take control of your self, but when you do that, take others into consideration.  I have seen so many girlfriends lose themselves in a relationship - or lose a great relationship because of themselves.  There is nothing healthy about someone who is always demanding, negative, or threatening in any relationship.  The "you better or I will...." or the "if you love me..." .  It's too much. And people can only take so much.
3.  If you stay calm, everyone gets calmer.  I swear.  It's true.  Breathe and stay calm.  Good lessons, especially for work situations.
4.  Take time for yourself.  Do yoga.  Meditate.  Take baths.  Listen to Audiobooks.  All good stuff.
5.  Do something is self help each week.  I don't know what that is for you - but find it and do it.
6.  Wear yoga pants whenever possible... but be careful wearing them outside the house.
7.  Be okay with telling your significant other/parent/child that you want to see them.  Spend time with them.  Don't be afraid to show you  care and can be vulnerable.  If they don't make you a priority - you might need to reevaluate the need. 
8.  A thoughtful text can change your mood.  Completely.
9.  When people love you - they encourage you to step outside your comfort zone.  Don't get mad at them for it - they see something you don't.
10.  Eat Guacamole.  It's a health food.  And delicious.
11.  Get to know what your family and/or significant other's love language is.  And do it.  If your child's is gift giving - stop by 7-11 on the way home and get them their favorite candy.  If your s/o is physical touch - kiss them on the lips for more than a peck, or make some time for "sexy time." 
12.  Don't keep your compliments in.  Just don't.  If you love a stranger's skirt - let em know.  You think your s/o is the most gorgeous person on the planet - let them know. 
13.  This is for Ladies Only.  DO NOT - I REPEAT - DO NOT... EVER ALLOW YOURSELF TO NOT HAVE GIRLS NITE.  Ladies, we need time to bond.  I don't care if it is GNO - brunch - phone conversations - make your friendships a priority just as much as your romantic relationships.  This goes for married, single, dating - I don't care.  Cherish your friends and make time for them.  And guys, encourage your ladies to do it. 
14.  Be a good parent.  Make your kids come first.  They will notice it.  For real.  And please, discipline them.  Don't let them be out of control crazies. 
15.  Be a smart social media user.  Don't be negative.  Don't be mean.  Don't be skanky. 
16.  On the genre of social media.  If someone is rude, negative, makes you feel bad about yourself - block them.  You don't owe them an explanation, but if they ask.  Tell the truth.  Simple. 
17.  If you don't know how to do something, get on YouTube.  I guarantee there is a video for that... My fave is Kandee Johnson makeup videos, but... I also learned how to thaw an AC unit.
18.  Last but not least... Be kind and pray.  Make sure you love on people. And let yourself be loved.

And that folks, is a wrap for today.  Lots of  Life lessons.  Even more Gratitude.  Love you guys.  Never sink.  Xoxox

Lessons in Gratitude...

This morning, I woke up - and felt a little off.  Off like in annoyed.  Ya know what I mean.  That annoyed where you just wanna get under your warm blankets and sleep for another 15 minutes (which might escalate to two hours).  So, let's just say I was a touch cranky.

Then, I swallow.  And I shook my head.  My throat was killing me.  On one side only.  So, I saunter myself into the kitchen, probably feeling sorry for myself, and start to fix some tea.  While the water is boiling, I scroll facebook. There was my reality check.

I have friends who are sooooo sick - not a scratchy throat.  I have friends who have family members who are battling cancer.  I have friends who have lost husbands, fathers, wives, and children - all within the past few weeks.  And here I am, having a pity party for my scratchy throat.

Then, my snapchat streaks and "good morning" texts start going off.  Had a friend with a flat tire.  Another friend who has a child that is puking.  Another friend who is in the process of looking for her nephew. And here I am, having a pity party for my scratchy throat.

I fix my tea.  I walk upstairs.  In my home.  I open my closet, and pick out my clothes.  I take a hot shower.  I put on my makeup.  I kiss my three healthy kids goodbye.  I go to my garage, to my jeep.  A jeep that has gas in it.  I drive to my job.  My job that is amazing.  I hug all my co-workers, because I genuinely love these people.  Yet, there I was having a pity party over a scratchy throat.

Now I am not here to say that we aren't gonna have bad days - but let's just put our bad days into perspective. Here is what it boils down to.  I am loved, so much.  And I made to feel loved every day.  My kids are wickedly amazing and healthy. I have a great home.
My job is super cool, super fun, and I love everyone I work with.  I have a roof over my head, a car to drive, and live in an amazing area.

I will Thank God this morning for my scratchy throat and facebook.  Because both gave me a reality check on how absolutely blessed I am.  How God is completely in control.  And how I am humbled by the psycho amount of blessings he has bestowed on me - when I don't deserve it.

I love you all... and Merry Christmas.  Xoxo

Irma. She's Violent. Rude. Irrational. And destructive. And she taught me a lot.

As a relatively new Floridian, I have only been through one hurricane.  And that was Hurricane Matthew.  And for those that are in Central Florida during Matthew, it didn't seem much more different than a regular summer thunderstorm, it just lasted longer.  So, when the news started talking about Hurricane Irma, I wasn't scared - I wasn't nervous - I was just like... "I'm sure it's not gonna be that bad..."

Well, first of all, I will openly admit when I am wrong.  I WAS WRONG!  I WAS SO WRONG!  COMPLETELY WRONG!  Now, people are gonna ask why I stayed.  Here's why.  This is my home.  This is where I live and work.  I was never in an evacuation zone, had I been in one - I would have went.  But when I started getting nervous - and feeling like I might should leave, I couldn't.  I mean, I could have - but that was scarier.  There was a gas shortage.  Traffic for days.  And the thought of getting stuck in a town, during a hurricane, not knowing where to go to - or getting stuck on the side of road stranded and unable to get gas - was much scarier than just staying put. 

And, I want to educate anyone who hasn't been through something like this - because I didn't know it until I lived it - but guys, a hurricane is expensive.  So all these people you see going through this - don't just think about the damage to their homes, there I a lot of money that goes to prepping.  And prep properly.  If you board up your windows, figure about $20.00 per window.  You need 20 sandbags?  Add another $50 to $100.  Now, plan on a week without electricity, water, and having food to eat.  Prepping for a hurricane can cost up to $1000 or more.  Depending on the level of prep - and the size of the family. We aren't even talking about the clean up, deductibles, time of work because your job is out of power - etc.  This can really, really hurt people's lives, and knock them so far down on their feet they can't get back up.  I was blessed in this aspect.  But I see it all around me everyday since.  And it's so sad.

This hurricane was the absolute scariest thing I have ever been through.  When you have three kids all looking to you for assuredness that everything is gonna be okay, that's a lot of pressure.  Especially when you are scared yourself, and have to act like you aren't.  It was at it's worst in my area from midnight to about 4:30 am.  That is a long time of wind screaming.  Trees bending sideways.  I was sure, that when I went upstairs, there wouldn't be one.  Water coming in from the floorboards.  And pitch darkness.  It was worse than any horror movie I have ever been in.  And all the while, I had friends texting me - checking to make sure that I was okay. And I was doing the same back.

And then, the sun came up.  And destruction was everywhere.  Shingles littered the ground like French fries in a McDonald's parking lot.  It resembled a war zone.  People out walking just stunned.  Neighbors I haven't seen outside before are out and talking.  People are hugging, and asking if you need anything.  When the sun came up - the outpouring of love of my neighbors, my friends, and gratitude came with it.

We were without power for 3 days.  And that was awful.  But not near as awful as the people who still don't have power.  I never realized how much I depend on electricity.  And here is an FYI also, no electricity - no cell phone towers - signal was blah.  Just trying to call someone was a nightmare.  Our houses are built to be energy efficient!  Which keeps the house warm in the cold months and cool in the warm months - IF YOU HAVE POWER.  If you don't... your house becomes Satan's playground.  Your home smells weird, from lack of air circulation.  Your dirty clothes pile up.  You can't vacuum.  Inside starts looking like a war zone, too.  And then the day that you get glorious power back.  It's a huge relief.  HUGE. 

So here is what I have learned.  I hate hurricanes.  I never want to ever go camping.  I love electricity.  But most importantly - I am so grateful that God had his hand on me and my family and friends - because he is the one who protected us.  I am so thankful for my amazing work family  and friends - who all texted me throughout the night, just checking on me.  I am so thankful for my friends who did the same.  For everyone who offered me a place to stay when we were powerless.  But I also learned I am a true Floridian.  I love this place.  I love the people.  I love my neighbors.  I am madly in love with the people I have met here.  I have also learned, if they ever call for a hurricane that size again, this girl is out.  But, I will come back - because Orlando is home.

The days may be long... but the years are super short.

As most of ya know, I am from northeast Tennessee.  This past week - the kids started school.  My Facebook and Instagram was saturated with adorable pics, of adorable kids, getting ready for their first day of school.  (I also saw some sneaky pics of teenagers - who didn't want their pics made - but their parents got one in anyway...LOL).  But then I saw so many posts of parents who were sad.  Talking about how their kids are getting older, time flies, how did they get so big.... etc.  So, I decided to write out my perspective, maybe it can help someone.

Let's face it - I've been through quite a bit.  This isn't a "feel sorry for me" type of way.  It's just a fact.  That being said - I really think that my story has given me a different outlook on a lot of situations, and for that - I'm grateful.  So this is where I stand with my babies going back to school.

I've got an 18 year old, a 14 year old, and a 7 year old.  And do I dread them going back to school?  Yes.  I love being able to stay up late.  I hate homework.  I love dinner at 8 if you want.  No alarm clock for the kids.  So yeah, a big chunk of me dreads school starting - but it doesn't make me sad.  And here is why.

I love watching these kids learn and grow.  They are going to experience so much in the next school year, that they will be somewhat different people by next summer.  I am going to see chorus concerts, school plays, football games, laughing, crying, studying - and all the emotions that come with each one.  But, they are gonna be different.  Not in a bad way - just in a growing way.

I look at my 18 year old.  This kid has always been my roll dog.  Even when he was a baby.  When he was three, we drove from Tucson to Las Vegas.  We went on a road trip to San Diego.  We drove across the country.  We went to museums in DC.  Then I watched him begin to sing in middle school. Perform.  It was like the cutest little caterpillar turning into a butterfly.  Then I got to watch him adapt to a whole new state, a new school, and watch how he made friends that he had not a lot in common with - all during his freshman year of high school.

In the four high school years, I watched before my eyes this kid turn into a sweet young man.  I went to concerts, plays, I watched him sing in Carnegie Hall.  I watched him learn respect.   Restraint.  I watched him become considerate of others feelings - even when it's hard.  I watched him turn into a man that I think will be an amazing husband and father one day.   The basics are there.  He graduated high school - did fantastic - and continues to impress me each day.  Now time to see what college has in store for him.

My girl is getting ready to go through that - and I look forward to seeing her grow and change.  To find herself and her own self assuredness.  It's gonna be great.

And then little J.  We are just starting.

Are there gonna be a bunch of ups and downs?  Of course.  But quit worrying about the hills, and enjoy the ride.  I promise... It is gonna be fantastic.

Love you guys... and those that are sad - just think how great it is gonna be.  And you get to have the honor of watching these humans blossom.  Enjoy each moment.  Xoxoxo.

I am offically okay with my horse laugh.

Yesterday, one of my friends and I, went to Epcot.  I know, I know - it's completely awesome to live in a place where most people vacation.  That being said - through my Facebook, Instagram, and twitter - I posted pics of the fun of our day.  When I got home, I kept posting some pics - because I am a "sharer".  Well, I should say a "sharer of photos".  I love it seeing pics of my friends and family, their trips, ballgames, all of it.  Just to see what they are doing in their lives and seeing the happy moments.  Especially living far away from everyone I grew up with - I find it a huge blessing that I get to easily keep in contact, and when I see them again, it is like we never left.

I tell you that to say this.  I was straight laughing last night going through our pics from the day.  Here is what I learned - I have a few "Photo Faces".  Here they are in no particular order: 1.Standard Smile 2. Mouth wide open (why I do this I have no idea) 3. Over-exaggerated duck face (Cause that is funny) 4.Or a combo of one of the above faces and laughing.  That's it.  That's all.  But here is what I think is funny.  Most of the pics, were just laughing.  My friend looks beautiful, and I have a horse laugh going on. So we were texting back and forth about it last night, and she said, "Those are my favorites.  They are genuine.  They are you."

Well that made me so happy, that she sees me that way.  Soooo.  I posted the horse laughing pics.  Because she is right. Who cares if I look like a dork that's laughing - I am a laughing dork.  So there we have it.  But then, as I continued to scroll my Facebook feed - I saw something that in all actuality made me sad.  It's the photos of women in my age bracket, posting 'sexy' photos on social media.  I am not talking like naked, dirty pics, not at all.  But you know what I am talking about - the over filtered, seductive pout, in random areas of their lives.  And I thought.... WHY?  Because first of all, I know you in real life.  You don't look like that.  At all.  And let's not get it twisted, I love filters.  Filters can be makeup when you have none on - not judging.  Just making an observation - that when you post 'the seductive selfie' - who in the world are you trying to seduce on Facebook?  Like for real. Because either you are taken, or not.  But here is what I know.  I don't think any man, husband, boyfriend, or potential - would want their lady trying to be seductive in a public forum.  And if they would.... well think about your choices.  So I say this to make you think.

Your smile is beautiful.  Your laugh is gorgeous.  Be okay with that.  Save your 'sexy faces', for those that deserve to see it.  Don't put it out there for the whole world to see.  And our daughters are looking up to us. Let's show them that their smile and laughter is fantastic.  Because that is who they are.

And please know, I am not here throwing stones for anyone who has ever posted the 'sexy face' pic.  And high-five for being able to nail it on que.  I am just saying - love your self more, than feeling like you need everyone to tell you how sexy and perfect you are - and be happy with your horse laugh.  It took me a long time to get to this spot.  And it feels fantastic.

NYC & Carnegie Hall, made me a better mom. I am sure of it.

Sooooooo.....
If we are friends of Facebook - I am sure that you know through my obnoxious serial posts - that I went to NYC this past week.  And here is why I went.  My oldest son, Tariq - and his choir, had the privilege to perform in Carnegie Hall.  Now, whether you are into choir or not - I am sure that you know that this is HUGE. Bucket list type of thing.  So, there was no way I wasn't going to go.  Just wasn't gonna happen.

Now let me give you a little back-story.  I am not the chaperone-type of mom.  Or the "homeroom" mother - type of mom.  I love my kids more than anything in this entire planet - which is why I have always stayed away from it.  I run a tight ship at my house - and I do recognize that people parent differently than I do.  But, I am just gonna be honest here - I think my way is right. (I'm kidding - but I am really kinda not.)  I believe in manners.  I believe in "Ma'am and Sir".  I believe in having fun - but also knowing how to behave as not to be "bratty".  Smart mouthed kids - overbearing parents, well that is a dangerous mix for me.  But, after the begging from my kid - to "Pleeaaassseee chaperone, mommy - IT'S MY SENIOR YEAR!"  I couldn't say no.  He never asks for anything - and is a great kid.  And let's be honest - when your kid is a senior in high school - and wants you around - you jump on that.

So, off we went.  To New York City.  Me and what would would be 74 of my family members by the end of the week.  And here are a few things that I learned.  And man, I wish  I knew this a long time ago.

First, to Dr. Redding and Mr. Yasay (the choir directors) - You have created an amazing bunch of kids. Their manners, the respect, and great attitudes - were a breath of fresh air.  I honestly didn't believe that such a large number of kids could be so well-behaved and respectful.  It was beautiful to see the way these kids looked up to you both.  The admiration - the love - and the respect.  Frankly, gave me hope for the future.

Second, whenever you are faced with a challenge, embrace it.  I am private, and a touch reclusive.  I was thrown into a situation with a roommate - and I always - and I mean ALWAYS - had people around me.  And guess what?  They were great.  Everyone of them.  I made some lifelong friends on this trip - and I never thought that would happen.  Ever.

Third, when your kid is passionate about something.  Don't dismiss it.  Encourage it.  (Unless it is drugs or something horrible, obviously - LOL).  I never understood Tariq's obsession with choir - Choir music - the whole thing - because I chose not to be involved.  I will regret that for the rest of my life.  But I am so grateful, that at the least, I had this year.  I always encouraged him, although I never participated.  I went to every concert- but that was about it.  I heard stories from a few kids, where their parents don't get it - and almost "make fun" of them for it.  And you could see on their face - that it hurt them.  And that, broke my heart.  Don't be that parent.  (And... *sidebar -- I learned this.  I love reggae music - and now - I love choral music.  I listened, I learned, and I now can hear the beauty in it.  Never thought I'd say that either.)

But fourth, and most importantly - I realized this to be true.  There is nothing.  And I mean absolutely NOTHING - that you can't achieve if you set your mind to it.  I know it sounds cliche, I get it.  And yes, it's  positive, blah blah blah.  I never thought it was true.  I really didn't.  But I saw it this week.  I saw kids - who have worked hard - sing in Carnegie Hall.  I saw a man, who had to work hard - conduct in Carnegie Hall - and this wasn't his first time.  I saw actors and actresses in a studio - practicing - to pursue their dream.  And here is what I am saying - If you work hard at your passion - success will come to you - I believe that.  If you encourage others, don't have jealousy in your spirit, and pray for the hearts and lives of those around you - it's amazing what can happen.

So, you all know who you are.  My fellow chaperones and students.  Thank you.  Thanks for making me a better human.  Thanks for teaching/forcing me it's okay to open up - a least some.  Thanks for the laughs. All the tears.  And giving this momma - and new focus and outlook. I love you guys.  And miss you already!

 WOHS CHOIR - Wow!

Though She May Be Little.... She is Fierce. She is my Warrior.

So... What an amazingly, perfect weekend.  As you all know, I am a momma of three.  And this past weekend, I had signed up to do the Warrior Dash.  (If you don't know what that is - It's an obstacle course/mud run).  Well, Bella - being my little roll dog - said that she would go and cheer me on.  I was so excited to have her with me. 

It was about an hour drive away from the house.  We stopped at Starbucks before we left, got a coffee, and then hit the road.  We laughed, we talked, we sang - and just had a fun drive down.  We arrive at the Warrior Dash.  Now, let me backup - I have done these before.  She has been to different ones - so the event itself was nothing new to her.  I begin to go through the steps - to get checked in, and we meet up with our friends.  Well,  in a small conversation - something amazing happened. 

First, two of my three kids - almost pride themselves on their non-athletic ability.  They are computer/techie kinda kids.  They don't like sports.  They might watch it on TV - but don't participate.  I am not that way at all.  I'd rather be outside playing - than stuck inside.  One of the many reasons I am so grateful that I live in Florida now.  But, Bella - is one of those kids.  The non - athletic one.  The one who loves rainy days, cold weather, that's her. 

One of our friends, asked her if she wanted to do the race.  She said she didn't have any shoes, and shoes appeared. (My friend had extra - in her size.)  She said she didn't have any shorts, and guess what?  We had some of those.  She said she didn't have a shirt to change into.  Well, I bought her one.  So what does she do?  She agrees to do it.

I am not gonna lie.  I was so pumped - but also super scared for her.  Mind you - she states that she isn't athletic.  And this race is no joke.  But I tried to keep my nervousness at bay - and just prepped myself that if she can't - at least she tried.  Well, let me tell you.  I could not have been any more wrong. 

This child, this self proclaimed "non-athletic" child, nailed it.  She ran.  And she ran well.  She did every, single obstacle.  She jumped in a cold lake.  She jumped over fire.  She climbed a 20+ foot wall.  And she did it with a smile and grace.  She never complained.  She never wanted to quit.  She made me so proud.  And she taught me a lot that day. 

I think we often think we are incapable of doing things - because someone put a label on us.  Don't let a label defy you.  If you have the desire.  The drive - you can.  And with all of my positive speaking - my "believe in yourself" mantras - It took my little girl, getting muddy - for me to realize it.

So guess what?  We have another race coming up in April.  We are a team.  A momma/daughter OCR/ Iron ANT Fitness - ATHLETIC TEAM!  We will train and get stronger - and do it together.  I am a super-duper proud momma, of a fierce little warrior.

Why you gotta be so cruel....

So, here I am, three weeks into being.... wait for it.... VEGAN.  And vegan by diet alone.  I know, I know.  First, let me explain why I made this choice.  And key word - is CHOICE.  I decided, for my personal health, to make a personal decision, to try and go vegan for 21 days.  Here we are.  And today, I am continuing it.  Why?  There are so many reasons why.  I want to let you know, although I don't judge anyone who does do it for moral reason because they have a passion for animals - this was not my reason at all.  I am saying that - just to be honest.  I tried something - and I am loving it.
I don't expect anyone to do it along with me, it is a personal decision of my own.  And I say that - to say this. 

Why in the world are people so hateful?  In the past three weeks - I have had more people degrade me, laugh at me, question my intelligence, and question my health - all based upon the fact because it has been noticed that I eat differently than I used to.  Here are a few of the little sly remarks I have heard, and here are the remarks in my head, which I wasn't brave enough to say out loud.
1. "Wow.  I would never do that."  (ok.  cool.)
2.  "How are you gonna get enough protein?  Vegans get sick all the time.  You are gonna get sick." (Nope.  I have sense.  I know what to eat.  And where was your concern when I was eating fast food - and junk?  Oh wait. There was none.)
3.  "So, are you going to start smoking weed and not showering now?" (Obviously.  Since I am no longer eating meat - I also don't bathe and start smoking weed.  Of course.  I mean really people. I honestly can't believe what will come out of some people's mouth.)
4.  "So, did you ever eat meat?  Like a really good steak?" (Just because someone is vegan - doesn't mean that they never liked the taste of meat, cheese, or dairy.  It just means we made a choice.  No different than someone who works out - doesn't mean they didn't used to be lazy.  They just made a choice.)
5.   "I feel sorry for you - because you can't eat."  (Well, sweetie - I went to a plant based diet.  Not a feeding tube.  And, What I am eating - is delicious.)

And trust - there are tons more.  Here is what I am saying... This is the first time I am "announcing" that I am vegan.  And I know there is the stereotypical thoughts that people have when they think of someone saying vegan.  But guess what - I am not that at all.  And I would dare bet - 95% of vegans aren't.  We just think about the loud ones.  And I am vegan for now - I don't  know if I will always be one.  But, I feel great - better than I have in years - and I don't plan on quitting.  That's just me.  And I don't care what anyone else eats.  You wanna know why?  Because it's their body - not mine.  Only you know what is best for you - not me.  And here is the funny thing - I expected this to be soooo hard for me.  I really did.  I have failed at many different diets in my 39 years on this planet.  And my goal was 21 days.  Maybe I am older, maybe more committed to my health now.  Who knows. 

But here is the funny thing.  I was talking to an amazing friend of mine yesterday - and they said to me, "I really think you like being vegan.  Just don't try to convert me."  And they laughed.  And I laughed.  And here is why I laughed.  They have been behind me and supportive this whole way.  And they aren't a vegan.  Don't wanna be.  But they care about me.  They are happy for me.  And they support something that they can see is making a positive change in my life.  And isn't that the way we all should be?  Stand beside people we care about.  That's all I am asking.  And hey - there is enough of people being mean nowadays... Let's just have a little support and friendship.

Gratitude when Rome is burning... Musings from a Body Shop.

You know, I work in an industry that I never imagined I would be in.  It wasn't part of my plan.  At all.  I didn't go to college for this, I didn't look for a job in this - nor did I have the desire to do it.  But here I sit.  In my beautiful office, at the best body shop I have ever been in - and it makes me want to cry.  I have been so blessed to be afforded the opportunity to be here.  I am doing more than I ever thought possible. And trust me when I tell you this - It has been a very, very, very, very long road to get here.

If you followed this blog at all - you know the whole story.  If not - scroll down - way to much to rehash.  But I felt compelled to write this today - because I personally know a few people who need to hear what I have to say - and if that's the case, then I know that there are a lot more.

When I went for this position, I didn't have a whole lot of support.  It was risky.  But I KNEW - beyond a shadow of a doubt, this is where I was supposed to be.  There were a lot of tears, nervousness, laughter, anxiety, and then that whole emotional roller coaster would start again.  But this place was my home.  My family.  And where I needed to be. I knew it.  I felt it.  And I couldn't imagine being anywhere else.

My bosses are amazing.  Everyday - they tell me thanks.  I know that might not seem like a lot to some people.  But appreciation - acknowledgement - gratitude - is a priceless gift, especially when you have worked in very "thankless" environments.  It will change your work ethic, your drive, and your passion.

I believe the same goes for many facets of our lives.  Gratitude.  Someone that believes in you.  Love.  Isn't that all that we really want as humans?  For me - I think that covers the basics.  And if you have those things, normally - everything else seems to fall into place.  I am not saying that it makes it easy - but, it definitely makes it a much better journey.

I also believe that many managers - try a different aspect.  They believe that belittling, nitpicking, micromanaging - that's they way to produce results.  And granted, it will produce results at first.  Especially if people are afraid of losing their jobs.  But those results will be short lived.  You will burn out your employees.  You will create rifts between coworkers.  And separate your team.  A dictatorship doesn't work.

I would much rather have a slower progress of great returns - which will last.  Teach my employees, train my employees, and build respect, knowledge, and friendship.  It's just like parenting in a way.  Care for your employees like you do your own kids.  If they need help - help them.  Don't enable.  Teach.  Listen.  And times, you are going to have to make tough decisions.  And that might suck.  But we do it (at least I know I do) - as a parent.

You know, to write this blog - I was looking up some facts.  And this spoke volumes to me.  I was researched how long it took for Rome to be built.  And here was the answer that I found a zillion times - "Ancient Rome, it pretty much grew its entire lifespan."  Here is another interesting fact(*ish) - "When Nero set Rome on fire, it was destroyed withing 5 days."  Apply that.  Think about it.

Something that is great - never stops growing.  Never stops learning.  Never stops trying to be better.  But, under the wrong rule - something great can be destroyed quickly.  This is applicable to work and family - at least to me.

So, if you work for a "Nero", only you can determine how that will effect you.  Be the strong one.  Be the one who tries to build yourself - for you.  Because that is your character.  That's who you are.  Don't allow yourself to be burned.  And never let anyone thing you aren't good enough.  Because if I had listened to that.  I wouldn't be where I am at today...

And where I am today..... is amazing.

How my birthday made me realize - I am the luckiest mom on the planet!

I love my kids. 

All three.  Equal. 

Every single day, they amaze me.  Their heart, soul, laugh, faces, well - you name it.  Everyday.  Pure amazement.

But last night - took the cake. 

Let me give you a little backstory.  I hate video games.  Abhor.  They make me mad.  I hate to see kids just completely consumed by them.  But there was a time, about 10 years ago - that I too, had an obsession with a video game.  That game was SUPER MARIO SUNSHINE!

I loved that game. Tariq and I would sit for hours, side by side, playing this game.  Until a very tragic day.  They day, that at seven years old, he deleted my game.  The memory card.  I was about to beat the game.  Months of playing, straight down the tubes.  It was so sad.  I never turned it on again.  That was the last video game I ever played.

Through the past 10 years, I have been asked why I don't like games.  If Tariq is around, I tell them that it's because, "Your memory card could be deleted, and then it's heartbreaking." As I would look at him.  He would always say, "I'M SORRY!", and we'd both laugh.

But last night, I cried.  Again.  Over a video game.  And here's why. 

Tariq led me into his room telling me he had a surprise for my birthday.  He had created an emulation of Super Mario Sunshine on his computer - and had the game back at the spot I was at - when the game was deleted.  I was floored.  Overwhelmed.

The amount of work, the amount of time, the amount of dedication that it took on his part to make sure he knew how special I was to him - overwhelmed me.  That he remembered.  He worked.  And he surprised me.  I just can't even believe it. 

I really am the luckiest mom alive.  The luckiest woman alive.  I have never felt more cherished and loved in my life.  God has blessed me in ways I don't deserve - and I am forever grateful.

Back to School... Back to Organzied Chaos.

Today - my babies all started back to school.  I have a first grader, eighth grader, and wait for it.... A SENIOR IN HIGH SCHOOL!  I didn't know how in the world I would feel this morning.  You know, I see a lot of posts where parents are sad, happy, and some in between.  This being the "last first day of School", for my oldest - I thought I would be emotional.  Sad that my baby is growing up.  But it wasn't that at all.  All I had in my heart this morning was an insurmountable amount of pride.  Not just for him, for all three.

I'll start with him though.  This kid has been through the ringer.  He has went through more in his seventeen years on this planet than most adults.  He has been my son, my friend, my counselor - all the time I have been the same back.  He has taken care of me and his siblings when I was sick.  He took on so many responsibilities when Shaun passed away - and never complained.  He is a kind hearted, intelligent, loving, gorgeous young man.  So this morning - I am so proud that he is a senior.  He has made it.  With grace, gratitude, and love.  I am so proud of him I can't even stand it.  And I am so excited - that he is gonna have an awesome Senior year - and then follow his dreams.

Then there is Bella.  She does not like school.  At all.  And that always makes me anxious for her.  Sending your child somewhere that they don't want to go - I don't care what anyone says - it's hard.  We all know she has to go - but it doesn't make it any easier.  So this morning, as she was putting some icing on her "First Day of School Toaster Strudel"... I asked her if she was dreading it.  Her response, "Well, yeah.  But I am super excited to see my friends."  And she smiled.  A real smile.  Which made me feel great inside.  Because - I know she is gonna be okay.  And it made me feel great, that she can pull out the positive in a situation.  I don't know that in 8th grade - I had that capability.

And then Jacoby.  Just as I typed that, I laughed.  He was so excited!  He loves school.  He loves his teachers.  He loves his friends.  And when I asked him if he was excited, he hugged my legs, and told me he "LOVES ADVENTURES!"  And how awesome, that he is excited and sees school as an adventure.  I am so happy for that little fella, having some great adventures today.

So, I know I say it a lot.  But I am so blessed.  So grateful.  So enamored with my three kids.  My best role, in my life, has been being their mother.  My goal, is to guide them to success and happiness.  Live with love and kindness in their hearts.  So far, they doing an amazing job.  I love you guys so much! Happy 2016-2017 School Year!  (Ignore the sleepy Bella face... LOL!  She is gonna kill me!)

After 5 years, What is Happiness?

I don't have the answer to my own question. 

The only answer I have is "Me".  I'm really happy.  And as I type this, I am crying a little.  So, there ya have it.  You can cry and still be totally happy.  But I am not crying in mourning, per se.  It still breaks my heart for the girl that used to be.  I am not her anymore, though.

Five years ago...
I woke up.  Like everyday.  Walked downstairs - and had no idea that my whole life had changed.
I screamed and cried until I had no voice.
Everything felt like it was crashing down.  I was so scared... and then the pain and anguish hit.  I didn't see an end.  I saw every single "future memories" that would never happen together.  It lasted a really long time.

Now...
I woke up.  Like everyday.  And I smiled. I sang a little gangsta rap/reggae as I got ready.  I am happy. 
I am loved.  I have great friends.  Great family.  And God has healed that broken and seared mess that used to be my heart.  I feel optimistic.  I plan.  I enjoy every breath.  Every single minute.  And I sit back in awe, at the fact that my life is where it is.  And I feel joyful for that.

The people who know me, here in Florida, never met that girl.  That don't define me by the things she went through.  They just know "this me".  And sometimes, I am thankful for that.  But sometimes, I wish they knew her, too.  Just to see how far I've come.  And understand, why I am who I am.

I make it a point to hug people who need it.  Smile.  Laugh.  And enjoy every minute I can.  God has been so faithful to me.  There's a song by Stephen Curtiss Chapman, that says "When you give and when You take away,  even then great is your faithfulness".  I couldn't be a better representation of that.  And I know I don't deserve it, but I am thankful for it. 

I know this journey isn't over.  And it never will be.  But today, I feel like I am cruising at a good speed in a great car - and enjoying the drive. 

I never planned my life to be this hard.  Have these problems.  But I am grateful for who I am now because of them.

Father's Day... Can sometimes be hard....

For those of you who know me well, you know I don't take much stock in "commercial" holidays.  I honestly - don't like them at all.  Valentine's, Mother's Day, Father's Day - actually aren't my thing.  I feel like these holidays are great in a way - they are all about celebrating love, right?  But why do we need particular days to do it?  And it can be days that make you have great expectations, and then a huge feeling of sadness when it doesn't live up to it.  Take Valentine's Day.  How many times have you heard someone say, "Looks like I am going to be alone again this Valentine's Day - #foreveralone."  Well, they were single before - but that day seems to make it a prominent problem when it wasn't before.

And now we are at Father's day.  And scrolling Facebook compelled me to write this.  I have seen so many posts from people who have lost their father's.  Their husband's.  Father's who lost their children. And it breaks my heart.  

Also, it makes my heart smile - to see families taking time out to honor the men in their life.  Celebrate the ones you love, and let them know how much they mean to you.  

And as today goes on, pray for those who are having a tough day today.  That have a feeling of emptiness inside.  Pray for those who have lost something huge.  Because, as one who has lost someone, it stings.  

So today, I want to say if you are hurting, I am praying for you.  I care about your heart.  And I hope you find a peace today.  I would also like to say thank you to all the great dads out there.  Those who step up to be father's when they don't have to be.  Who love children that aren't theirs - like they are.  

I know this post is rambling, and I am sorry for that.  Just a lot of emotion today.