Now, if you have read this blog much, you know that I talk to God pretty bluntly. I mean, he knows what I am thinking anyway, so might as well be brutally honest. And it’s kinda funny, everytime I start – I try to start eloquently – but that quickly fails – and I am back to being blunt. And I guess in a way I was accusing him. Asking him, why isn’t it so plain to me like it seems to be for everyone else. I began to rationalize to him – I believe in you, you know that, so can you make this easier? I want to do your will. I don’t know what it is, but I want to do it. Just show me – text me – call me, I promise I won’t tell anyone. (Yep, I really thought that – not schizophrenic, just thought it might be easier, ya know?) I couldn’t understand why it seemed so clear for some and not me.
Then in my head popped up the book, the blog. And I said to him, and I am quoting my thoughts/prayers here “Is this you popping this in my head, because I want to write and blog? Because sometimes I don’t want to. Sometimes it feels like a chore – and I do the ‘I will do it later’. Or is this a gift that you have given me, and I will never be completely satisfied until I do it? I DON’T KNOW! (Yes, I was screaming in my head.) I mean, I have been through a whole lot. Can you cut me a break? I need a break. I need this to be a little easier. A little plainer. “ It went on and on. I blamed him for making me a widow, then thanked him for giving me faith and comfort through it all. I accused and praised – it was pretty intense in my head. I asked him to show me plainly. Something to where I knew it was him, and no one else.
So, I get on facebook – and I have a friend request from someone I don’t know. And then I noticed I had a message from the same someone. And she tells me to read what she put on her facebook wall. And I did. And well, I guess God has a sense of humor- but he spoke loud and clear to me. This sweet woman stumbled upon my blog, and her first line, “I don’t believe in coincidences.” I had discussed that with God earlier. Was all this a coincidence with the writing. Guess he was telling her through me – “Nope. No such thing.” So, Wendy, as ou thanked me for the blog, let me thank you – You helped me. More than you could know. I cry while I write this, because a new peace is found in myself. I know that the creator of the sun and stars, can hear little old me. He loves me. He wants me to obey him, and I am not as insignificant as I sometimes feel. He loves and cares for me individually – and that he has a sense of humor about the whole thing. And he gave me a cross to bear, a story to tell, and I will continue to do it with thankfulness and honor – for the gifts he’s given me. My God is wonderful. I can’t say it enough – loud enough – long enough.
