My poor little girl....

A few days ago, my little girl had to get an "appliance" in her mouth.  It has been horrible every night.  I have to insert a key into this contraption in the roof of her mouth, and twist a key.  It in turn, pushes her upper jaw out - widening her palatte.  It seems painful, and she sobs everytime.  It breaks my heart - like way deep down it breaks it.  Shaun was so good at that kinda of stuff.  He was a consoler.  He could yank teeth, take them for shots, pull out splinters, cleaned scraped knees - and he would have them laughing their heads off in no time.  I don't know how he did that. 
There are times, we it hits me more than others, the level that I  miss him.  I miss him all the time - but there are times I can almost taste the level of lonliness without him.  When I feel like if he was doing this, it would be better.  He would make it better for all of us.  She has been so weepy lately.  I think it's just now catching up with her, exactly what happened and that he isn't coming home again.  And boy, that's hard.  I know it is.  So pray for my little girl tonight.  For her teeth, but more importantly, her heart. And pray for me - that God gives me the words to say to her - to ease her troubled little heart. 

All sorts of families....

You know, nowadays, there are all types of families.  Dysfunctional, nuclear, extended, emotional, and I could go on.  But, I wanna talk about my families tonight.  I have a few.  First, my church family.  During the last few months of my life, my church family has been my rock.  They have carried me through some long lonely days and nights.  And I don't think a bunch of people could be more supportive or endearing if they tried.  I never knew how precious a group could be, and I hope you never have to know how much to cling to them, but wow - if you need them - they are there.
Then my immediate family - daddy, mommy, sister, etc.  Enough said.  Always have been here  - always will be.  I am blessed to have an amazing family by birth.  I know to be thankful for that - so many don't have that.  And then Shaun gave me some rockin' inlaws.  Alan, I know you live far away, but I feel like you are here every time I see that little grin from Jacoby.  He looks like his daddy, who looks like his daddy - and it's awesome.
Second, my friends.  Jacqueline, Krissie, Brooke, and Kelly.  Four females who have stood by me no matter what.  All hours of the day and night - they are there.  I can't even describe the love and support they gave - and to try to do so, would just do it an injustice.  It really would.  So, just know - they were/are amazing - and haven't swayed.  At all, not one second.
Third, my work family.  I haven't talked in my blog much about where I work - but tonight - I am busting it out.  I work for GEICO.  I was an Auto Damage Adjuster.  My co-worker, my supervisor, and my manager - they were amazing.  This a company, with a ton of employees, where frankly, I didn't expect them to cater to me or help me - and they definitely did.  They moved me to a position that helped me sooooo much - made my life easier for my kids, and me.  They definitely didn't have to do that.  And now, I work with some amazing people.  They make me laugh daily.  And smile when I think I can't.  And I adore each and everyone of them.
So, I guess I am saying this - who is to say what makes a family?  I have a ton of different types.  And I love each and everyone of them.  And I feel like God orchestrated each and everyone of these individuals in my life, because he knew when and where I would need them.  And maybe, just maybe, they need me too.  I can only hope.  So guys, I love you.  All of you.  And all of you know who you are.  And my Shaun loves you - for putting a smile on my face, carrying me through, and helping me keep my head up, when I think I can't .  You have all made me a better person.  And I love each and everyone of you.  So much.

Good day... SUNSHINE!

I got asked a fabulous question tonight.  I loved it even.  And that's why I am so late writing my blog - I was talking to a blog reader....  (And yes, It was kinda weird and stalker like, because I never met them - but after the fact, it was quite cool!)  But here is a question I was asked....  "How in the world are you so positive 95% of the time.  I would think it would be the exact opposite."  Well, I had never thought of it that way.  Cause, to be honest, I would say that I can be quite the "Debbie Downer".  But, I thought, and I do laugh at work.  I try to make jokes.  I genuinely love and cherish the life God has given me.  Have I been through some horrible times?  Obviously.  Are some days better than others?  Of course.  But, I have God and assurance - so how else can you really act?  I am positive.  Positive of many things.  And albeit, I have bad moments - for the most part - I know I am going to rock this.
A few days ago, I straight up freaked out on a friend of mine.  Acted like a complete crying and bumbling moron.  But it's over with.  No point in dwelling on it.  I am gonna keep moving forward to my goals, my life.  And each day I am on this planet, I smile - because it's one day closer to seeing my love.  And that will be glorious.  So that's something to be thankful for, too.  I read somewhere when a guy was asked about how he was optimistic he said, "Well, that's just the color of the sky where I live."  That sums me up.  That is just the color of the sky where I live.  Every once in a while, there's a few dark clouds, but for the most part - It's gorgeous - and I can see a light on the horizon.... That's my baby with his arms out - letting me know that he is there waiting... And to enjoy the view - until he can hold me and enjoy it with me.
This is the color of my sky.....

Adele.

Wow.  Powerful singer.  I have been obsessed with her music today, since my daughter told me she felt powerful while singing with her.  And her lyrics are gorgeous - and deep.  I love it.  But, as I am listening - I laugh, because I think of my sweet girl.  And, I realize this.  I might not have the answers as to who I am without Shaun - but I don't guess I really have to know.  I will figure it out as I go along.  There is no timestamp on it.  No one is pressuring me to make it work right now.  So, I am going to go peacefully along - at least until my next mega breakdown - and listen to music, play with my kids, and be thankful.  God has given me so much - but he's never taken away.  I have just lost a few of the gifts he allowed me to have.  But I will enjoy the gifts I have today - and I am going to share one - Here is my daughter's favorite song - that makes her feel powerful....  This one is for you little girl.....

One of the hardest nights of my life...

There are things that make you think.  That make you think really hard.  And from what I have learned, those are the things that you really never wish you had to think about.  They make you think about who you really are deep down, when all the doors are closed and no one is watching.  And here is what I have found out about me.  Yes, it's true, I am strong and tough - and can take hold of things that I never thought I could do.  But, there is that part of me that is painfully lonely.  That is just so sad.  Like the deep down, broken, type of sad.  And that just when you think you can't hurt anymore, something happens - that makes you realize, yep - you still have a  heart, and yes - it can still hurt.  And well, that stinks.  I just wonder, at what point, this thing that I have that is known as a heart, will turn completely to steel, and quit hurting.  I guess it never will.  To have someone that always had your back, no matter what - somebody that you could talk to about anything, and lose that!?  It's almost unbearable.
I have 3 precious kids.  And they are my world.  And I am so thankful for them.  But my goodness, how can you miss someone so much.  I search for him all the time - I really feel like I do.  And tonight, I feel broken.  Just broken.  That's the only word that I know.  I go through my days, and I have two identities.  I am Kristie, the Geico employee.  Then, at 3:30 - I turn into Kristie, the momma.  I have lost Kristie, the girl that Shaun loved.  I don't know where she went.  I miss her, too.  I feel like not only, did I lose Shaun,  I lost a part of me.  And I don't know where she went - and no matter how hard I try - I can't find her.  A big chunk of my happiness is gone.  I just want it back.  That's all.  So, I am gonna cry my eyes out - and see if that helps.  And then I am going to go to bed.  And call tomorrow a new day.  And maybe, just maybe, she will show up tomorrow.  I can always hope, right?

Four months.

Today it has been four months since Shaun died.  There are 100's of different things I could write about.  But I really don't feel like.  All I feel like doing, is just going to bed.  And then, I will wake up - and this day too will have passed.  So, keep me in your prayers.  Good night.

A night to let go...

Tonight, we had a bonfire with my Lifegroup.  And we put on a notecard, the things that we wanted to let go.  Things that we wanted to rid ourselves of so that we can move forward with God's plan for our lives.  And, I had a list.  A big one.  And seeing that box  - in the middle of a fire - going up in flames - was powerful.  And you could really feel the presence of God there.  And it was great to let those things go.  Not just let them go - but really acknowledge them.  And then release them. I have had so many feelings and questions since Shaun died.  And I never wanted to acknowledge them.  I want him home in the worse way ever.  But I realize that he is the one who is home, I'm not.  I have a lot of fear.  Fear that something could happen to one of my kids, my friends, my family.  And it scares me.  A ridiculous amount.  I want to keep everyone close and safe.  And I realize that Shaun was home, and safe - and there was nothing I could do - which makes me feel helpless in a way.  To acknowledge my insane amount of fear and to let it go - or at least acknowledge it - felt like a step in the right direction.  Acknowledgement is a powerful thing, I believe.  I recommend it.  I really do.  So, I wanna say thanks to Lifepoint - for producing the Living the Dream series.  I want to live mine.

Sympathy and Empathy....

Those two words always seemed weird to me.  I always got them confused.  And to be honest, I looked them up tonight - and the definition for empathy isn't clear at all.  I know what it means and all - but it really isn't a true definition.  Tonight, one of my friends from elementary, middle, and high school, lost his wife today from pancreatic cancer.  And my heart literally hurts for  him.  His two little girls.  Like, I feel nauseous - and pained deep to my core.  I know how sad and empty he feels right now.  And I know that nothing that I can say or do can help.  So I pray.  Because that's all that I am capable of doing.  I know that right now they are all in pain.  Can I empathize?  Yes, No, Maybe?  I don't know what it is like to lose your wife.  To be left as a single father.  I know on the wife's side, but not a husband's.

I also can't imagine to watch your loved one die overtime.  He doesn't know what it is like to lose them in an instant with no warning.  And in my mind, they are both equally horrible.  I guess I feel like I am not necessarily sympathetic or empathetic.  I am hurt.  Deep down.  On a human level - on a sister in Christ way.  And it breaks my heart.  I hope Shaun introduces himself to her.  And I am so thankful she is no longer in pain.  Just pray for my friend.  They are gonna have a long road of healing ahead - and as I know - It is a really bumpy one.

An emotional wreck today...

Okay, so here's something I have learned.  And I am going to be candid here.  And if I am giving too much information - well, that's how I roll.  So, here it is.  Ready?  A cold, a bad outfit, a couple days before your period, a widow, and a stupid comment - can spin me out of control.  Into a raging, emotional basket case.  When I am sad and upset, I no longer have Shaun to call, where he would say, "Baby, you are being nuts.  Relax."  Or, "Baby, you are completely right!  Just show them how right you are!"  Well, I could keep going, but you get my drift.  It's about more than I could tolerate today.  So today was one of those days where I kept pretty much to myself, lost in my own thoughts.  I cried my whole drive home.  Not just the normal cry - the straight up ugly cry.  The kind of cry where you think that maybe, just maybe - you shouldn't drive, because your tears are making the road blurry.  Then, no to avail, I try to pull it together when I go pick up the kiddos.  I get home, cry a little.  Decide to go the tanning bed - UV rays should give me some vitamin D to perk me right up!  I cry the whole way there, then I cry while I am in the tanning bed.  Then, I got scared, because I thought, Will the light reflect off my tears and burn where my tear streaks are?  (Just for the record, that didn't happen - so I am breathing easy over that.)
So here it is.  I am heart broken.  Still.  Guessing I always will be.  Today, I realized a lot of things he did for me.  Not the big ones - I had already thought of those.  But some little ones - things he did that he probably didn't even notice either.  He made me excruciatingly happy.  We made each other excruciatingly happy.  I thought that was it.  I learned this today, too.  He taught me to be strong, self-sufficient, adventurous.  He taught me to express myself with no regrets.  To show my passion for God to others without feeling self-conscious about it.  I am learning to be a single mom.  And I have found ways, ways that he would use, mixed with ways that I would use - to deal with any problems that we would deal together.
It's strange.  It's a new chapter in my life.  A chapter I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy - but nonetheless, it's a chapter that has been placed in my life and I have to make sure it has a good ending.  There has already been enough tragedies in this book of mine.  And I can't crumble and fall now.  I am his legacy now.  I can't let him down, after all.

Snuggles...

So tonight, I am sitting in Shaun's chair, with Isabella.  We have sat here, with our legs intertwined, and watched tv.  And it is great.  This is what life is all about.  Cherishing those little moments - as you get them.  I don't have a whole lot to say tonight.  I am just gonna sit here, snuggle, and love on my kiddos.  Do the same.  It's wonderful.

What a night.

I had kinda a rough night.  My sweet and gorgeous daughter gave me the biggest gift ever.  And it was a video of me and Shaun, a video that I never knew existed.   It tore my heart out, and made me smile.  It was a real mixture of emotions.  But I am so happy - happy to remember a sweet moment.  It made me remember how it felt when he put his hand on my head when he kissed me.  It made me remember the sweet look he gave me when he was sad.  It made me remember how blessed I was.  I am.  I miss him so much, there are times where I think I can't even stand it.  Our anniversary is slowly approaching.  I don't know how I will handle that day, and it kinda scares me.  I just want him back in my arms.  With me and loving me.  The way it was supposed to be.  I really really miss him.

Exhausted.

I am exhausted.  I had a big weekend, but the level of exhaustion I have, I don't think it's from that.  Well, completely.  I think that it's just hard being a single mom.  Everything and everyone in your home being 100 % completely dependent on you.  But you know what?  It's okay.  I would rather be tired tonight, and know that I am here for my kids than not.  I can will be rested when I am gone.  So, I am thankful tonight for being sleepy.  I am so thankful to be the momma to 3 beautiful kids.  I am so thankful for all the friends and family around me.  And I am so thankful for the life that God has given me.  I am blessed.  So tonight, i am keeping it short and sweet.  And I am going to bed soon.  But, I just want to say - thank you for being there.  All of you.  And helping me realize daily how amazingly blessed and lucky I really and truly am.

Centurian

So, this weekend, I had to make a road trip to Tennessee.  Krissie, myself, and the kiddos went to Tennessee for my grandmother's 100th birthday celebration.  And it was amazing.  I can't imagine all that she has seen.  As I walked up to her, and looked at her, it was kind of overwhelming to think about all that this one person has seen in her life.  And all the pain, struggles, trials, happiness, and joyous moments she has went through.  She lost her husband 30 years ago.  She has lost a child.  She has lost all her siblings.  She has seen her child lose a spouse.  She has witnessed births of her own children, grandchildren, great grandchildren, and great great grandchildren.  And that is amazing.  And she sat there, and laughed, and talked, and celebrated along with everyone else.  
She is almost blind, and is a little hard of hearing.  Her memory isn't as good as it used to be - but she still has it.  She lives alone.  My mom and aunts check on her regularly - but she is capable of living alone.  And this is the first time I saw her since Shaun died.  And she hugged me and cried.  And she told me she was so sorry - and that she loved him - and how much she loved me.  And she hugged me different than she have had.  She knows that I have hurt immensely.  And she also knows that I will get through it because I have to.  Just like she did.  So tonight, thank God for my mamaw.  And that she touches more people in her life - just like she did mine.  I love you, Mamaw.

And it's done.

Tonight, I laid my Ravens carpet down.  And I have a big sense of completion.  That was one long and grueling project - the Ravens room, that is.  But boy, Shaun would love it.  I believe he does love it.  And my kiddos love it.  I am happy with it.  Big time.

Yesterday, a friend of mine gave me a book called "Tear Soup".  It's actually a children's book - but it got the point across amazingly.  And this room was little bit of me cooking my tear soup.  I cried.  I laughed.  And whenever I want to have a bowl of my tear soup - I have the perfect room to do it in.  And, it beautiful.  At least to me it is.  There's so much in that room.  Behind the paint.  In the furniture.  It's just perfect to me.

Wow, I can't stand a creeper.

Me and Krissie have a word that we use for certain guys.  And the term is "creeper".  A creeper is a broad word, that covers many categories.  The perverts, the married, the faker, the literal creepy guy, you get where I am going with this.  But, my friend is single.  And she isn't looking for a boyfriend, a husband, nothing like that - but she is open also.  Open to like coffee, dinner, etc.  Now this isn't a singles ad for her - so don't make it one, LOL...  But she said something to me tonight, that made me sad/thankful.  And it was this, "It is really hard to keep faith in men these days.  I guess that's why I am not even worried about it."  And she then tells me about a few acquaintances that almost brag about their infidelity to their spouses.  She sees it at every corner.  And then, in like 9 days - she has literally been approached by quite a few married men.  And it's weird.   And not only does she not date married men - but it offends her - as it would any of us.  Because what is that saying about you, the woman, if a man has no problem alerting you that they are married, but still want a date?  And let's not get this twisted, they aren't just married - they are "happily" married.  Like not divorcing, not separated, just well, dating?  That's just weird, so by default, you are now a creeper.  See how it works?  It's like they want a wife and a girlfriend. Like it's a fashion trend or something. That's just rude.  And greedy.  And well, degrading to the  person you ask out.  And her friend, because she is codependent.  That's how we roll.

So here is the question that I pose?  When did this become so mainstream?  When did people openly flaunt such an action?  I don't get it.  I am not trying to judge anyone, I am just posing a question.  And, it breaks my heart for my dear friend.  She deserves a man of her own.  A man that will love her, protect her,  lead her home, provide for her, and be a partner in life with her.   Where did that mentality go?  I want her to have what  I had.  And Shaun and I weren't perfect - by any means - but we were happy together.  I just don't get people.  I really don't.  And maybe, sometimes, I don't want to understand - I'm starting to think that too.

I want my peace garden to be green.

I am a lucky lady.  Big time.  I listened to this tonight - and for the first time, I didn't sob uncontrollably.  I cried - but I didn't puke or anything.  What an amazing man.  An amazing voice.  What a fire he had.  More people need that.  To stop the complaining.  Stop the pessimism.  And be thankful.  Because when you think what you have today isn't enough - tomorrow it could be less.  Gratitude grows peace.  And I want my garden to be green.  And instead of being angry that he is gone - I am making a conscience effort tonight to be thankful that I had him.  To let gratitude take over anger and want.  And be content where I am today.  And, in this moment, I am content.

A big bowl of noodle.

So, tonight, I was blessed again.  I got to talk to an old and dear friend - and well, she's fantastic.  She was making cookies in her kitchen, and we just chatted about old times.  She knew me when Shaun and I first met - and the day after I met him, I drug her to UNO's to scope him out.  Her and her husband helped me and Shaun so much.  Not only with their friendship, but anyway possible.  When I was pregnant with Jacoby, she brought me a gazillion boxes of diapers.  I don't think Shaun and I purchased diapers until Jacoby was 6 months old.  She has always been someone I could talk to - and she would be straight up.  We have been through a lot together over the past five years.  And I am so thankful that she is a part of my life.  Just another person who helped make me who I am today.
And I am so proud of her - she has started her own business here in Fredericksburg, doing what she loves.  (Her and her husband already had one, but she isn't one who slows easily.)  So, now - they are multi business owners and doing amazing.  And it makes me smile.  She is a good wife, a good momma, and a smart business lady - and I love her for that.  And, I know, no matter what - she will be successful in all she does.  She used to call Shaun "pinky", and he called her "the brain".  Then, it switched to big bowl of noodle.  So, in my days of learning to be content, I am more than content.  I am grateful.  Grateful, because tonight, I realized again how blessed I have been in my life.  I have had the honor of knowing this beautiful lady.  And she will always be my big bowl of noodle.  And I will always love her dearly.

Check out her cakes and such... They are quite fantastic - and she is here in the Fredericksburg area....
http://www.facebook.com/pages/Sugar-High-Inc/195005547216957

Not Stranger Danger - Anger Danger

This morning, I was angry.  Quite angry.  Someone that I know - an acquaintance really, said something to me in an email, that hurt my feelings.  And, because it hurt my feelings - I got angry.  And I shouldn't have even let it get me upset in the least.  It was really an unimportant statement, that was an issue within them, not me.  And it really didn't even affect me at all - so I have no clue why it hurt my feelings.  I am a softy that way, I guess.  The term crybaby could be inserted here and be quite applicable.  And to be honest, I don't know why.  I don't know why, I let the criticism of one - overpower the support of thousands.  And it wasn't even criticism, I don't guess.  It was, well, it was weird.  And that got me thinking.  Why do we do that?  Why do we allow ourselves to be so wrapped up in the opinions of others, that we forget that we answer only to one.  Why do we allow negativity to bring us down.  Especially, when we have so much support?
This question, I do not know the answer to.  Maybe people want to see us fail.  Maybe they will.  Maybe, deep down, we are afraid that we will.  But, as a wise man once said, be content.  I am going to celebrate every victory that I have.  Whether it be big or small. And just be happy, that today, I am here.  That today, I have people who love and support me - and not everyone is going to do that.  And I will be happy for that.  Because even if, the whole world doesn't support me - the ones who matter to me most do.  So why do I care?  So now, I am thankful for that email.  Because it made me realize - that all I can do is my best.  And I answer to no one but God, myself, and my kids.  And maybe, just maybe, that's something that I needed to happen, so I could figure this one out on my own.
I miss Shaun so much.  He was such a support - such a level head - such a cheerleader for me.  With him, I knew nothing was impossible.  And no matter what, big or small, he would say, "We got this, baby girl."  Well, he's still here.  I have a beautiful boy to look at everyday that's his spitting image.  I have Tariq and Isabella - who laugh and talk about him all the time.  And guess what?  "We got this, kiddos.  No worries."  It's my job now, to pick up where he left off.  And I got this, I got to.  Thanks baby, you are still around - you are keeping this head of mine level and positive.  I love you for that, so much.


Here's a video I saw by Steven Furtick today.  And it made me feel validated.  This is something I could hear Shaun say.  We often only see our own sides.  I might not see theirs - but I will try to respect that there is another side - besides my own.

Heart and "Soul"....

So, I had a great day.  I got a new car!  Woo hoo!  Today I got a Kia Soul - and I am so excited!  Shaun and I both loved those cars for me.  And now, I am a proud owner of a car with only 30 miles on it.  I have been completely blessed.  I can now travel and not worry if my car is gonna blow... Which is one fantastic feeling.  I am pretty sure - Shaun is looking down and smiling at me.  He'd be so happy.

And I went by Jacqueline's house to show her my car - and she pointed to the name.  The "Soul".  And she said, "That fits you - all you need is a heart before the name.  And it made me smile.  Heart and Soul.  That's me.  Through and through.

Greatly Missed...

I find that I cry and get sad at the most unexpected moments.  I want to tell everyone I meet about Shaun.  And sometimes, I laugh.  I remember good moments and smile.  Sometimes, I remember those good moments and they make me a sad.  Today I have had both.  But luckily, I have my best friend here beside me tonight, to reminisce with.  And tell stories back and forth - and we can both laugh and cry.  Thanks Krissie, you really are a rock to me - more than you will ever know.

Boy, I love shoes.

So, if you know me - you know I love shoes.  And not just any shoes, that have to be super cool - super high - and a bit of the beaten track.  The shoes have to make the outfit.  And tonight, I have been looking for purple heels - to wear with my Ravens gear.  And although I have found a zillion pairs of purple heels - I haven't found "the" pair.  I found another pair - which are fabulous - but still not the purple ones.  And as I am picking through these zillions of pairs of shoes online, I started laughing.  First, if you knew Shaun - he was as much of shoe hound as I am.  So he respected my love for shoes - and never complained about it - he actually encouraged it.  I am not a girl who wants flowers, candy, roses, etc.  I like shoes - so that's what he did.
But then I could hear him in my head saying, "Pick one.  There are a ton out there.  Just Pick one.  You are being too picky.  Get one, and if you don't like it - return it."  And, my answer still, as it was then - is No.  I am going to wait - until I find the perfect pair of Purple pumps.  And now, It will make me laugh a little more as I search.  And I bet when I find the perfect pair - he would loved them.  That's the way that normally went. I love you Shaun!

The Life of a Single Momma....

That's something I never thought I would be - a single mom.  I feel like there is a such a stereotype behind it.  She's a "single mother"....  Poor lady.  Well, I am one.  So I might as well rock it.  So many single moms don't have it as lucky as I do.  Tariq and Isabella have one amazing father.  He loves them, cares for them, calls me to check on them - and helps anyway he can.  He visits them every chance he gets - he listens to them.  Our marriage didn't work - but that doesn't change that he is a very stellar, stand-up man.  A man that any parent would be proud to call their child.  And I am proud that he is their father.  He loved Shaun.  He loved that Shaun loved his children.  Who wouldn't?  Don't we as parents think that everyone should love our kids?  Of course.  And Shaun loved Tariq and Isabella like they were his own.  And he treated them just that way.  Once, when I was talking to Ali about it - he said, "I am their dad.  So is Shaun.  They are lucky, they got two.  Some kids don't have any."  And when Shaun died, he came here that day.  A twelve hour car trip.  Dropped his life, to help his kiddos and me.  I will always  appreciate that.

So today, I had the realization what the life of a single mother of three is like.  I ran around like a chicken with my head cut off since 5:45 am.  And it's 9:20pm now, and I am still in my work clothes.  But, I went to work, got the kids to school.  Picked each child up after work, from their locations.  Got Bella to the orthodontist, Tariq to Guitar.  Went to Rite Aid to  pick up medicine for Bella's teeth.  Picked up Tariq from guitar.  Got dinner ready.  Children fed.  All bathed.  Laundry washed - a load in the dryer.  Dishes done.  Vacuumed.  House picked up, and trash out.  All I didn't have a chance to do was mow - and I will get that done tomorrow.  And it's a lot.  And I am so thankful that I have the opportunity to do it.  So, tonight, I will go to bed thankful.  One, that Shaun showed me what needs to be done - and how to do it all while maintaining a cool head.  Two, that I have children that are a blessing in and of themselves.  Three, I have a God who is always there - to cool my head, if it starts getting heated or stressed.  Four, I have an amazing support system.  My friends, family, church, work - and they are all intertwined.  And Five, this is for you Ali - I am thankful for you.  Thank you for being a good dad.  Thank you for loving Jacoby like he is yours, just like Shaun loved Tariq and Bella.  ( And here is a bit of my life that I don't normally share so much - Ali came to see the kids this weekend, and he made a buddy - Jacoby.  And he played with him, held him, and loved him.  And it made me smile.  And made Tariq and Bella smile.  And made Jacoby cackle that gorgeous baby laugh.)  And I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that Shaun is looking at Ali - and saying, "Thanks man, I love you bro."  I know it sounds dysfunctional and crazy.  But hey, it works for us.

Waiting is the hardest part....

So, today = no bueno.  I fell right back into some mega pit of despair.  Yep, that would describe it.  A pit.  A big hole - with marble walls - where no matter how hard you climb - there's nothing to grab onto -nothing to help you out.  And you feel like the bottom is sinking lower.  But then, all of a sudden - it feels like someone is lifting you out.  Kind of like pulling - but with a zillion hands that you can't see.  And they get you out of the hole.  Which is great.  But what you know is this.  Although they all pull you out - you are teetering on the edge of that hole - and you don't know when you are gonna fall in again.  And it's a scary feeling.

I love him so much.  And the word is Love - not lovED. And I miss him.  And this is not where I thought my life would be at this point.  I really didn't.  I thought I would be working, right alongside Shaun, and raising the kids.  But now, I am alone.  And it's scary.  But that's not the bad part.  It's the absolute missing them.  And you can't do anything about it.  You can't go visit.  You can't catch a plane.  You are here - they are there - and that's the way it will be for an uncertain amount of time.  And then, you look forward to the day that you see them again - and that sounds morbid - because that means you are dead.  And you don't want to be dead - because you have three amazing kids that you want to be with. 

I can't wait to see his smile again.  My troubles disappearred when I saw it.  I can't wait to hear him sing again.  I miss hearing it in the shower.  I can't wait to hear him laugh, and make a silly face, like he can.  I can't wait to see him old his kids.  I can't wait to dance with him again - and know it will never end this time.  I can't wait to feel his kiss again.  I know that day is coming, I'm just going to have to wait.  I bet it will be a beautiful reunion.  My goodness, I love him.  And thank goodness God is so faithful to us - when he gives and when he takes away - how can I not be faithful, too?

My baby's first haircut.

So tonight, I decided that I really was gonna have to cut Jacoby's hair.  It was bad.  In the back, his little curls were all matted up because of the baby fine hair.  So I decided today to do it.  And I cried.  Because once again, there was a milestone that his daddy wasn't here for.  And the day he died, he was going to take Jacoby for his first haircut.  I hadn't cut it since then because of that.  But Shaun would look at me and tell me to quite being silly, and to cut his son's hair.  And what a blessing I got when I did.  I am sure all of you mommas of little boys  know what I mean.  The second that you cut off those baby fine hairs, and you see the glimpse of the man that they are gonna be.  They go from looking like an infant, to looking like a toddler.  And I can look at my twelve year old - and wow - I remember his first haircut.  And how cute he looked after - and how he still looks the same.  And I know that the same is true for Jacoby.  And what I saw when I cut Jacoby's hair, was well, Shaun.  The look - the shape of the eyes, the lips.  I think he is gonna be like his daddy and grandpa.  They are all gonna look the same.  And I am thankful for it.
This isn't where I ever thought I would be.  It's a place that I wouldn't wish on anyone - but I am so thankful for my kids.  It's amazing how a simple thing like a haircut can make you feel like you can move mountains.  God amazes me daily in all he does.  Just when I think I am standing on my own two feet, he shows me that he is still carrying me.

Sunday Evening...

Sundays make me sad.  Today is really no different.  I look forward to Sunday mornings all week long.  And then, that's over. And now there is football on - and Shaun and I completely did the whole football thing together.  And then when it gets this time of night, I realize another week has gone by.   And that makes me sad.  I guess, in a way, it makes me smile, that is one week closer to seeing him again.  But I still miss him so much.  I want to be positive, and have a great, life changeing thought.  But, I don't.  I am just sad.  I miss him.  And that's where I am at.  Sad.  I will be okay tomorrow.  I am sure of it.  I always am.  I am gonna wear some great shoes, go to work, and next thing ya know, I will be here next sunday.  God willing, that is.  Love you guys... and I don't know where my last nights post went.  Hmmm... Let me see if I can find it.