Pain that never goes away.

This holiday is the hardest this is the one where I remember his huge smile. The most relaxed I ever saw him. The happiest. Playing football in the back yard with his nephews. Helping my daddy chop a tree down. It wads picturesque weekend of happiness. I miss that day. I know he is happy and complete now- but there isn't a day that goes by, that I don't miss him. Not one.

Here I am....

So, this might seem somewhat astute, but the power of God amazes me. And here is what I mean by that. Yesterday at church, my pastor was talking about if you want to hear God speak to you, look at how he has before. Well as he said that, I started talking to God in my head. Mind you, to the average onlooker, I looked deep in concentration on what my pastor was saying, but really, I was having a one on one conversation with God.

Now, if you have read this blog much, you know that I talk to God pretty bluntly. I mean, he knows what I am thinking anyway, so might as well be brutally honest. And it’s kinda funny, everytime I start – I try to start eloquently – but that quickly fails – and I am back to being blunt. And I guess in a way I was accusing him. Asking him, why isn’t it so plain to me like it seems to be for everyone else. I began to rationalize to him – I believe in you, you know that, so can you make this easier? I want to do your will. I don’t know what it is, but I want to do it. Just show me – text me – call me, I promise I won’t tell anyone. (Yep, I really thought that – not schizophrenic, just thought it might be easier, ya know?) I couldn’t understand why it seemed so clear for some and not me.

Then in my head popped up the book, the blog. And I said to him, and I am quoting my thoughts/prayers here “Is this you popping this in my head, because I want to write and blog? Because sometimes I don’t want to. Sometimes it feels like a chore – and I do the ‘I will do it later’. Or is this a gift that you have given me, and I will never be completely satisfied until I do it? I DON’T KNOW! (Yes, I was screaming in my head.) I mean, I have been through a whole lot. Can you cut me a break? I need a break. I need this to be a little easier. A little plainer. “ It went on and on. I blamed him for making me a widow, then thanked him for giving me faith and comfort through it all. I accused and praised – it was pretty intense in my head. I asked him to show me plainly. Something to where I knew it was him, and no one else.

So, I get on facebook – and I have a friend request from someone I don’t know. And then I noticed I had a message from the same someone. And she tells me to read what she put on her facebook wall. And I did. And well, I guess God has a sense of humor- but he spoke loud and clear to me. This sweet woman stumbled upon my blog, and her first line, “I don’t believe in coincidences.” I had discussed that with God earlier. Was all this a coincidence with the writing. Guess he was telling her through me – “Nope. No such thing.” So, Wendy, as ou thanked me for the blog, let me thank you – You helped me. More than you could know. I cry while I write this, because a new peace is found in myself. I know that the creator of the sun and stars, can hear little old me. He loves me. He wants me to obey him, and I am not as insignificant as I sometimes feel. He loves and cares for me individually – and that he has a sense of humor about the whole thing. And he gave me a cross to bear, a story to tell, and I will continue to do it with thankfulness and honor – for the gifts he’s given me. My God is wonderful. I can’t say it enough – loud enough – long enough.

I still think about it everyday...

It's been awhile now - and I still think about that day - everyday.  Multiple times a day.  I look at my son and think about how I will explain it.  I am so heartbroken over it - angry over it - and feel angry at myself for being happy.  It's an awful feeling to feel guilty for being happy.  And I know he would want it.  I know he would.  But it is still there - and I suppose it always will be.  He will always be a part of me, so I will always miss him.  I wish it wouldn't always hurt - but it does.

Hmmm.

It's one of those nights, where I wonder if I am permanently broken. Maybe even permanently positive. Because I truly know how bad things can be. I just wonder if it makes me hard to know. Where I need to be more compassionate. More sensitive. But sometimes - I just feel like most things are petty.

365+ days are done.

It’s been over a year. That seems hard to fathom. A whole lot has happened in this year. I believe, I have been through every emotion known to mankind. You name it – I have felt it. Especially the icky ones. But here is what I have learned in a nutshell.

We, as humans, take so much for granted. When your kids kiss you goodnight, you spouse hands you a soda, a friend leaves a sticky note on your car – what level of true appreciation do we have? This year has taught me that life is fleeting. Your whole world can change in an instant – and although we know it – do we comprehend it? Those are two totally separate things. For example, I went to bed a wife – woke up a widow. No idea that was even a possibility. Think of the people affected by a natural disaster – one day they have a home, vehicle, etc. – and in an instant, gone. And that’s just a couple of negatives. Those tend to be more dramatic and folks pay more attention to those.

But, there is the positive, too. And really, the things that we thought that were insignificant could have changed the complete path of your life. I mean, completely. And here is something that I have learned also – I really, truly thought that I could never love anyone but Shaun. And I guess, when I first became a momma – I never thought I could love another child as much as I did him. But then, I had another baby. And guess what – I think I loved them both even more than to start off with. It seems, that once you have love, your heart has a greater capacity for love. It spreads like Kudzu. You learn to see the beauty in a lot of things – and appreciate so many little things. And I feel like that is where I am at. I am content. And it is interesting to say the least, how critical people have been. And I am finally at a place where I respect it – but don’t acknowledge it, per se. I have heard, “It’s too soon… What is she doing… Seems a little quick to me…”, because I am with someone. People criticize what they don’t understand. And here it is. I know you only live once. I know how quick things can be taken. I know to grasp every moment, every second, of everyday. I am happy with my decisions – and I am being completely honest here – I know beyond a shadow of a doubt Shaun would be. He would want this for me. For the kids. I know that I am opening myself up to a ration of criticism in this blog – but I felt like it was important to put out there. Because if anyone reads this and it helps – it’s worth it. I got tough skin. ☺

I am content with me. Myself. My kids. My life. My love. I do not need anything else. As long as I am capable of receiving love, and more capable of giving love – that’s what is important. Shaun has passed – but I am still here. And if there is one thing that man taught me – It’s how to love. How to give it and how to receive it. I love him so much, but my life here must go on. And I am thankful that it does. God has blessed me so much. So I refuse to be angry, bitter, and hateful. I choose to celebrate, love, and be happy. And let the world know – how blessed I am. How lucky I am. How happy I am. And I choose to be this way. I could still be in bed, hiding under the covers, refusing to eat – but how is that honoring God or Shaun. I have been through a lot – but I have been blessed even more.

I used to be scared of becoming old. I’d pray for a long life but I feared old age. Now I know that old age should be worn with pride – there are many to whom it’s denied. I’m gonna end this with a few things I have learned over the past year. I keep sticky notes in purse, and I have random scribbles – so here are a few of my favorites.

If you want to look good, Smile.
Most of the things that we worry about, never actually happens.
If you do not rule your mind, your mind will rule you.
I intend to never feel or act as old as I am.
I believe a coincidence is a small miracle where God stays anonymous.
What your children need more than anything is your time.
Even if we do absolutely nothing – spring comes, the grass grows, and we take another spin around the sun. It’s up to you what you do with it.
Chances are, the things we haven’t worried about are the things that will happen.
Only kids know everything.
For your own sake, learn to forgive those who have offended you.
Sometimes a smile is all that someone else needs.
Heaven can be enjoyed here and now on earth – while we are alive.

So, I am ending this with I love you. I am praying for you. And continue to pray for me. We are all in this together – and thank you for being my support for this past year – my sounding board, if you will. You have no idea how much your positive comments, emails, etc. has meant to me. You will never know. It is an amazing feeling to know that people all across the world has your back. So thanks again – from the bottom of my heart.

Real life superheroes!

Yesterday was father’s day. And it was the perfect ending to a perfect weekend. A lot of things happened this weekend. First, my trash hole of a garage got completely cleaned out. I got rid of years and years of baggage. And I would have never thought that it was such a burden – but it definitely was. Also, I got rid of Shaun’s truck. A couple of my friends took it – and they will be able to use it. And it makes me so happy. I couldn’t use that truck, and it almost felt like a casket in the driveway. And opportunity presented itself, and I took it. And I am so thankful that I did so. And I know it would make him happy too. Then I had a great evening out. And then there was father’s day. And I heard the most amazing sermon that really got me thinking.

I had the most faithful parents in the world. What my parents did, bringing me up with prayers and love, put grace and love all over me. They stored up mercy from God on my behalf. Let me be completely honest – I drove my parents nuts. I wasn’t an easy child. About the age of seventeen, I decided that I knew everything – and they knew nothing. But guess what – they never waivered. I am sure I their knees were raw, and eyes burning – but they prayed. And I know that because of their tears and prayers – that is why I am where I am at today. I have went through some rough things, but I am still here. And now I will pray for my children. Cry for them. Beg for God to intercede on their behalf and protect us all. And do my best to be the type of parent that mine were. I am so sorry I put them through so much. But I am also so humbled by the fact that they remained a steadfast part of my life.

So this is a thank you – to both of them. And for making yourselves such amazing people/ starting a cycle of faithfulness, love and prayer/ and teaching me how to be a strong child of God with my feet planted firmly in my faith. Thank you for showing me how to be happy. Thank you for showing me true love is real. Thanks you for showing me what is important in life. You not only changed my eternity – you have changed many. I love you guys – more than you can ever know.

Lovely lips or mercenary mouth?

Something that I can honestly say Shaun rarely did was call someone a bad name. He wasn’t perfect – but it wasn’t his standard practice. And, this week, I have learned the importance of controlling your tongue. God gave us two ears and one mouth for a reason. And to call people ugly names, is well, just not nice. Not that I really have to tell you that, it’s just a fact. Anyway, I digress.
So here was my situation. I tried my best to explain a situation to another person in a calm and rational way. Was I annoyed? Absolutely. 100%. And should I have been? Probably not. Probably shouldn’t have cared in the least. But I did. But when I tried to explain why it bothered me – I felt like I got slapped by a ration of insults. And, for the first time in my adult life, I didn’t cry. I didn’t get upset. I didn’t feel slighted. Part of me chuckled – because it was completely false and I knew my intentions, and understood my own feelings. The other part of me felt very sad. Not sad for myself, but sad for her. To unleash a strong fury upon me – that just showed me that it wasn’t anything I said or did – that was inside her. That was a sadness lurking in her heart – and it might have made her feel better to unleash it. And if it felt good to unleash it, then I am glad it was on me. Cause I can handle it.
But then I sat down and thought, “Where did this massive amount of anger come from?” And who knows. I am sure I will never know. I don’t need to know. But what I hope is this – that before you hurl insults at someone, look inside yourself and see if you can figure out why you want to lash out. Is it really them? Are they striking a chord in your heart viciously? Because, I would dare bet - that when we do that – what we are actually doing is trying to make ourselves feel better at someone else’s expense. I am sure I have done it. I will probably do it again. I just hope that if a situation arises that gets me going – I am able to breathe and reflect – remember this day – and keep my mouth shut and my heart open.
I guess, to sum it up, I feel comforted by the thought that each mistake that I make in life, is a great opportunity to learn a valuable lesson.

I know I am not Superman.

What would you do, if you knew there was no possible way of failing? I read that somewhere, like Pinterest, Facebook – not exactly sure where – but it made me think. I have got some amazingly successful friends. People that have lived their dream – at least to me they have. One of my friends is a photographer for the local newspaper – and I think – that’s the coolest job ever. And I wonder, if people told him, “No way – you can’t make a living at that.” Same goes with another friend of mine – who is an amazing artist. So, I pose this question more as a question to myself. Because, sadly, I don’t know what that answer is. It seems like such an impossible idea that I can’t even get my mind around it. How do you project what you could do if you had superman powers? Because I know that I don’t have superman powers.
I mean, would a be a missionary? A writer? Learn French? Maybe all? Where do you start? I have learned life is short – and that fear is nothing but being afraid of something that has yet to happen. So, you are being scared of nothing, besides your mind. Which, is silly. But now that I have realized that – how do I figure out what my dream is? I guess, in many ways, I feel like I am living a dream. I went through a nightmare. And once you have been through a complete nightmare – it’s amazing how the everyday normal makes you feel like you are living in a eutopia. Not that I am complaining, I am definitely not – I’d much rather be here than in that nightmare.
So, maybe this blog is it. Maybe I would write more often. Maybe I was afraid of running out of things to write about. But who am I kidding. I can always talk. I guess I will continue to ponder this question – and I will let you know what I figure out. Any thoughts?

I may be being silly- but I bet even suoerman had dreams he was afraid of. Just sayin.

Almost a year....

It is insane how slowly and quickly time goes by. I sit here and I think of all that has transpired over the past year, and it doesn’t seem possible. First, it still seems surreal that Shaun is gone. I can’t believe it. I can still hear his laugh, see his quirky and crooked smile. I still remember what it feels like to kiss his forehead. And for that I will always be thankful. And I make myself remember it each day. I don’t ever want to forget. But, I have also learned to be joyous in his death. This past week has been heavy for me. That’s the only way that I know to describe it. It has felt like a huge weight in my chest – sometimes making it hard to breathe. And I realized that I was wracked full of guilt. And I know – I know – believe me – that I couldn’t have prevented his death – but part of me wondered. You know what I mean, the heart part – not the head part. My head knew there was nothing – but my heart, well that’s a different story. And then, yet again – I had one of those occurrences. And it’s too weird to get into on this blog, but it changed me. It helped me. And I know, there was nothing I could have done. And I know he’s happy. And I know that he will be there waiting on me when it’s my time. But I also know he wants me to be happy, and to live. He wants me to finish what he started. He wants me to change the world one person at a time. He wants me to dream my biggest dream, and do it. And, I know he always has my back. He loved his creator so much – and he is happy to be with him. I still dread June 23rd – don’t get me wrong – but for totally selfish reasons. But I am blessed – my love for Shaun is real. And it still goes on. Just in a different way. Always will. I want to live a long time – cause I have a lot to do – and I know he will be waiting with open arms when I get there.

I can smile.

I've came to a point where I smile a lot more than cry when I think about Shaun. He made me excruciatingly happy. He made my heart smile. He showed me how to to be loved with passion and truth. He changed me forever. And I know that I will get to see him again. I don't know why I am actually blogging this- but I felt like I needed to get it out. I will always love him- but boy, it feels good to get the good memories back without having a complete breakdown. I am so thankful he was a Christian and I knew it. So thankful I have Jacoby. So thankful for all the time we had together- albeit, it was too short. Just thankful to my core. Thankful and peaceful I should say.

I got a picture to hang on the wall the other day - and it describes every way I feel. I'll try to post it on here- but if I can't, here is the summary. Today is your day- this is your life- seize every second.

Blessed everyday.

I still think of Shaun everyday.  Every hour.  Sometimes, it's just a memory that makes me smile.  And sometimes - I just cry.  But, I do have a ton of beautiful memories.  God works in mysterious ways, though.  That I am sure.  Last night, I went to a charity basketball game - Ravens vs. Redskins.  And I had a blast - but I got to say-I had a lump in my throat all evening - just knowing how excited Shaun would be.  And I know the beauty that he is experiencing in heaven doesn't compare to a Ravens game - but still.  I wish he could have seen it.  I wish he was still here.  I wish I had asked him all the things I wanted to.  But what shocks and amazes me is this - he's still here.  He's still around.  I see him everywhere.  (And no, not in a creepy ghosthunters way.)

I saw him in the eyes of my friend Reza - last night at the game.  He hugged me and it's a hug that knows your heart.  He knew I was hurting but happy.  It was in the sweet words of the man at WAWA this morning.  The kisses from my kids this afternoon.  And although I cry while I write this - my heart is full of joy.  And that's a difficult place to be.  Makes you feel a little bipolar, I guess.  God has carried me through this - I can't even begin to explain that.  But my heart is happy.  I will always love Shaun - that will never change.  At times, I guess I love him more than I did when he was here.  But that doesn't mean to be miserable.  I can love him, miss him, and still be happy.  I have so many reasons to be happy.  I rejoice in the fact that Shaun is in Jesus's arms.  A beautiful place to be.  I rejoice in the fact that I will get to be there too.  I rejoice in the fact that my life is in line.  And I am making it.  And i am grateful.  I am peaceful.  And my heart if full.

Valentines Day is Stupid

Yup. Bitter - I know. But jump in my shoes for a second. It's almost like a "suck" anniversary. Every heartbreak I have went through, all the loss, it's a day to remember. Shaun and I used to wear St.Patty's stuff on valentines day. And it made us both completely crack up. It was like a unified abhoration of this day. So, as funny as it is- I miss having him to make of it with. A lot has been going on in my life. A lot of positive things. But - there's always gonna be a big gaping hole in my heart. So my advice to you is this- don't be like me- don't let today make you sad. Do something special for that love in your life. Give them a good memory- even if it's something funny like wearing st. Patty's clothes. Those memories are precious-no matter what your take is on today. So, I love you all. And I hope you have an amazing Valentines Day filled with love.

Widowed.

What an ugly word.  It kinda looks like the word window if you just glance.  And, I suppose, that could be completely appropriate. When you are a widow you wear your emotions on your sleeve, and everyone can see directly inside your heart - at least it feels that way. But today I took a big step for me - and I changed my Facebook relationship status to "widowed".  I know that is what I am - what I have been.  But it was huge for me to change my status to that.  You know, I love Facebook.  I'm addicted - but it does put your life on display.  I have struggled with that for a while.  I know Shaun would say, "Babe, are you serious?  You are widowed.  It's just Facebook. Change it  - it's not that important."  But for me, it was like I was accepting he was gone.  Because once I changed it - I can't undo it.  I didn't want anyone to judge me and say - "Oh, she's over it now.  She's moved on - that's good."  Because understand this - I will never be over him.  Never.  We didn't choose to be separated.  We weren't fighting.  We didn't get a divorce.  We were ripped apart.  We neither had a choice in the matter.

But, I do accept it.  I do realize that I am a widow.  As much as I wish I could - I can't bring him back.  But by the grace of God - I will see him again.  But I have to live as me.  I will mourn and miss him everyday - but I have to take my life into my control again.  I am a widow, yes.  But I am a lot more.  I am mother to three amazing children who need me strong.  I am an employee.  I am friend.  I am a daughter and sister.  And that's just to name a few.  I wish there was a Facebook relationship status that said, "Lost time on earth with her husband, but by Jesus Christ - still has eternity."  Albeit, a bit wordy - but much more accurate.  I hadn't blogged much lately - because I felt like I had put too much out there to scrutinize.  But I feel like this one is mega important.   I hope you all understand - and yet again, I am blogging in tears.  But these are happy/sad tears.  I guess you would call them bipolar tears.  And Shaun Greenberg - you will always be loved more than you could ever know.  I hope you know just how much.  And know that we all miss you and talk about you all the time.  And I still kiss you goodnight every night.