Words are my only outlet.

Tonight my papaw passed away. And to be honest, it makes me feel all weird and conflicted. I didn't talk to him often - I haven't lived in the area for 15 years or so. But he was my papaw. My daddy's dad. My roots. The man who has been my constant in this world - he is the reason he exists. And now he is gone. 

My papaw was a Christian. Is a Christian, I should say. He too, is now in a whole new body. Rejoicing with his bride. Celebrating their reunion. But we are here. Behind. Trying to feel that joy, but feeling sad for ourselves. 

I have cried more than I thought I would. He lived a long life - he buried two wives and two children. He was almost 96. His birthday was next week. We were both are virgos. I just realized that we had that in common. I don't know why I didn't know it sooner. That just made me smile. A little bond I just realized existed. A little present from him, I suppose. 

Papaw was always a funny man to me. He was tough. Rugged. Intimidating in a way. He had a loud voice and smelled like chewing tobacco. He always called my daddy, "Son".  I still think that it still so sweet. 

One of my best memories of being a kid is driving to papaw's house- just me and daddy. And it seemed like it took forever. You drive down a four lane road. To a two lane. And then one? And then a gravely road. We would park on the gravel road - walk through a field- and then you were there. And daddy would tell me stories about when he was a little boy. And I would sit on that porch- In southwest Virginia - and try to see my daddy being a kid- and papaw being a young man. 

Papaw had hogs. Cats. Dogs. Horses. Cows. And a plethora of all of them. His house was an adventure.  And he would grab any animal and show it to you. No fear. He was something else. 

I know this is rambling. I just wanted to get it all out. And thank God for making Worley Horne my papaw, and making sure he let us know he was a Christian. Thank you papaw. For being you. For giving me the memories that are woven in my mind. For making my daddy such an amazing man. And for being you. I will always love you. I always did- even when miles separated us - heaven will be our meeting place. Ill see you again one day. Kiss everyone for me. 

And, (my family will get this), I am not fat as a toad. I love you papaw. Heart and Soul. 

• Revelation 21:4 “He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.”
  

A New Place. A New Time.

So, I have been off the radar for awhile. Been kinda busy. I moved almost 900 miles. Started a new job. Got three kids enrolled in school. Got them adjusted. Got me adjusted.  Unpacked a million boxes. 

In all of this - I realized I have hoarding tendencies. Now, to an extent I am kidding. But wow. I had a lot of junk. Stuff. Things. And while we were waiting for our pod to be delivered - I realized that there are just a few "things" that I really need. Here they are - in order. 

1. Clothes 

2. Flat iron 

3. Makeup

4. Internet 

5. Phone

6. My bed. Oh how I love my bed. Air mattresses stink. I hate them. (And here is just my opinion- but if you are gonna sleep on an air mattress, get one for you and your spouse. There is no point of doing the roller coaster of sleeping in an air mattress. It's worth the extra twenty bucks.)

I mean, I like the amenities of a microwave. A grill. Cable. But the above are things I need. Oops. Adds coffee pot to that. 

But here is something that I got when I moved, that made all that other stuff seem trivial. I got family when I moved here. When my son had a fever- I called my Jolie, to see what juice he wanted. When I need my bed upstairs - Curtiss moved it. 

And tonight, I am laying here with a heavy heart because I want to be there for my daddy and mommy.  Hug them and help them. I know my sister is there - and that beings me comfort. But I worry for them.  I miss my parents. And it seems that has been a constant theme for 15 years. 

But, I also learned this. I have a ton of family in Fredericksburg. And I love them and miss them too.  But - how awesome it will be when I see them again. Just like when I visit my parents. 

I know these thoughts are all random - but it links in my mind. To often, we love new things passionately. When really, if we lived and loved passionately- we would be much more fulfilled and have many fewer regrets. 

There are things I think of even now, that I wish I had said to Shaun. And I never did. I never thanked him for many things. I never told him how I felt about some things. Why? I have no idea. I used to beat myself up over it. I can't do that anymore. But I can change it from this point forward. And that's what I have been trying to do. And what I will continue to strive for. Sometimes I fail, but that just creates an opportunity for improvement, right?

So say what you need to say. Love and hug passionately. Live to the fullest. And cherish every moment. Xoxoxoxox.  Goodnight.