Post it Note Chaos....

Today I had an incredible moment.  Incredible doesn't do it justice.  I walked out of work today, and I had  post it notes on my car.  And they were so sweet!  There were three.. and they all said sweet, uplifting things.  I had a rough day at work yesterday, and a better day today - but still a little rough - and it changed my whole thought process when I saw them.  So, this blogpost is going to be short and sweet - but it's a challenge.  We all have post it notes, or a receipt, or something we can write on.  We all know where our friends, family, or someone is at during the day.  And if not, we are all surrounded by cars daily.  Wherever you go, there is a vehicle.  So here is my challenge to you - give the gift that Christina Meredith gave to me today.  Tomorrow, write a positive and uplifting note. Put it on someone's windshield, stick it on their window, whatever.  So when they come out - they smile like I did.  I've been through the death of my husband.  And today, I smiled from the inside out.  I haven't done that since the day before he died.  Where you felt pure, complete, selfless caring.  If it can do that for me, God only knows what it can do for someone else.  Take the Post it Note Challenge.  Take 30 seconds out of your day, and brighten someone that you know, or a perfect stranger.  You never know who it will affect, or how.  So, thank you Christina Meredith - for letting God's love shine through you onto my car window.  You will never know how much it meant to me. You will never know the feeling of getting that internal smile - and realizing you had lost it at a moment in time.  I felt loved, thought of, and adored.  And I realized that while I was working away - someone was thinking of me, and took the time to make me feel special.  I love you, girl.  Heart and Soul.

I must be dreaming... Nope, this is real life.

I got my idea for my blog this morning at 6:52 am - while talking to one of my friends on the way to work. I could go into the whole reason behind the conversation, but that would definitely be a blog post in itself - save that one for later.  Anyway, what we were talking about was perceptions, beliefs, and life in general.  How sometimes it's great - sometimes, well it completely sucks.  And the times that it completely sucks, well - in retrospect, it really didn't.  And here is where I am going with this.  One year ago, Shaun and I would daydream.  We would daydream about vacations, houses, moving, jobs, kids colleges, football (ravens winning the Super Bowl for him... ).  You name it - we dreamed it.  And we had big  plans.  We wanted to take the kids to Disney next fall.  He had never been and always wanted to go.  He wanted to turn his truck into a "Ravensmobile".  We had looked into getting in wrapped.  There were a bunch of different plans we had.  Fun things we planned to do.  Those things aren't all gonna happen now.  Ravens might win the Super Bowl, I plan to turn his truck into the "Ravensmobile" one year.. don't know how or when, but I am gonna try, and one day I will take the kids to Disney - I hope.  But our plans - together - can't happen.

So what I realized is this.  You know what I daydream about now?  Him holding me in bed.  Kissing me goodnight.  Watching him get grocery store rage in Wegman's when people would bump into him with their carts.  Coming home to food cooking and a hug.  Sitting on the porch after the kids were in bed and talking to the wee hours of the morning.  Those are the things I daydream about now.  And guess what.  That's my fantasy.  I never knew then, that what was my current reality, would one day be my fantasy.  So tonight, when you lay down, think.  Think about the things around you - and all the ugly and bad - let that go for a minute.  And think about the good moments of the day.  And trust, after my day, I know sometimes that can be hard.  But remember the minute of a laugh, a kiss from the kids, a positive email, or a funny Facebook status - and smile.  You are living someone's fantasy.  You could be living mine.  Don't take it for granted like I did.  That part hurts a lot.  I wish I hadn't.  I will cherish each moment God has given me, until the day that he brings me home to him and Shaun.  And, it isn't easy - I know that.  But just try.  For one second just try.  You might find a smile today that you already had forgotten.

13K and counting....

I can't believe that as of today my blog has gotten 13000 hits.  That's insane to me.  I had a blog for my photography company, and I didn't get that many hits in 4 years.  I don't know if that is something about this blog doing well, or maybe I am not such a fantastic photographer.  Not quite sure.  Either way, I am excited.  And it's a weird excitement.  I hate the topic of my blog.  I wish this blog never existed.  I wish I never had a reason to write this blog.  So, I guess I have a love/hate relationship with it.  But I can say this. It helps me.  It helps me more than you could ever know.  Weird form of therapy, I suppose.  In a way, I feel like it's a diary where I can say whatever I want to.  When I write this, it's just me, they keyboard, and the monitor.  No one else.  And it's nothing that flows from my lips.  Straight from my brain to my computer screen.  (Well, there is a little typing that goes on in the middle there...)  And, there really isn't any editing.  I say what I think, what I feel, and I feel free to do that.  No one gives me the stink eye, makes me feel nervous, nothing like that, because it's just me.  And I like that.

But then, I get these comments.  Emails.  And although I haven't been able to respond to everyone - I have read everyone.  And I can't thank you enough.  You know, as a widow, you fear the moment when others forget.  And you have made it known that you haven't forgotten.  That you are still beside me - holding me up.  And let me explain something - you all have helped me.  It helps me to know that people care enough to read my blog.  Care enough about me, about Shaun, the kids - my life - to cheer me on and root me on.  The emails, comments, touch me in ways you could never know.  To know that there are people out there praying for me - people I have never even met - is mind boggling.  And I thank you.  Deep down from the depths of my soul I thank you.  And I hope that you never experience the need for that support, but I do need it.  I need all you guys.  You give me a focus each day.  I know a few things that are gonna happen each day.  Go to work, leave work, get the kids, feed them dinner, baths, bed, blog, sleep.  That's the rough outline.  But it gives me something to look forward to each day.  In a way, I feel like I have a moment to rant, rave, cry, scream, and laugh - maybe all at the same time, maybe not.  But I have the opportunity to let it out.  So, thank you for allowing me to let it out.  Everyday, sometimes a few times a day.  But most of all, thanks for caring.  Keep the comments and emails coming - you guys build me up like crazy.  And I am going to try to start responding every Saturday.  Because, I really believe there are some awesomely interesting people out there that I've yet to meet.  And tonight, like every night - I will pray for you (I really do that, no joke).  Because I know this, if you are reading my blog, there are a few things that could be the reason:
1. you know me - hence you know Shaun - either personally or vicariously.
2. you know Shaun
3. you have suffered a loss
4. you have a sweet heart who cares
5. you want to know more
All of those reasons lay on my heart, and I am sure there are more reasons than five, but that's a few.  So I love you - I pray for you too.  And if you have anything you need prayer for - let me know.  I do it a lot.  And I would love to throw ya in there.

Sunday nights...

I used to love Sunday nights.  Me, Shaun, and the kiddos would go to church.  Then when we got home we might take a nap, then we would sit around and watch TV.  Shaun and I would play Uno after the kids went to bed... and it was nice and relaxing.  I feel kinda weird on Sunday nights now.  Almost like I don't know what to do.  I throw myself into everything on Sunday nights.  I make plans to do household stuff on Sunday nights.  Like tonight, I repainted Isabella's toes and fingernails.  Gave her a bath.  Dried, flat-ironed, her hair.  Dyed my blonde streaks re blonde. (if that 's even a word).  Gave Jacoby a long bath.  Cleaned the downstairs.  Had Tariq take a shower.  Went through the clothes in his room - and I'm not done yet.  I just keep trying to fill the time.  I am ready for Monday morning - just so Sunday night is over. But, I love the time with the kids, I do.  It's just weird - kinda like a third dimension type of thing.  Like something seems off kilter, and no matter how hard I try to avoid what I am trying to avoid - it's lurking there  in the corner.  So, tonight I decided I would stop the crazy running around - and self admit that I am trying to ignore the fact that Sunday nights make me sad.  So there it is.  I said it.  It's out there.  I thought writing it might help a little bit. but it definitely didn't.  :-(

Here is a little humor that just happened during the middle of this blogpost.  Tariq and Isabella started yelling at each other over the iPad.  So, I made them put it away.  Made Tariq turn off his cell phone.  And you wanna know my punishment for them talking ugly to one another?  I am making them sit on the couch and hold hands.  I am cracking up.  They look miserable - feel free to use that one if you ever need to.
Shaun would appreciate that one.

Sorry to skip topics there for a second, but real life does occur during my blog. :-)  Now you got proof.  Anyway, I just am sick of feeling out of my element.  I know that there are big changes going on in my life, and this might be a learning curve, some part of my journey.  But  please, please - just pray for strength for me.  I kinda feel like a fish lost at sea.  Love you guys.

REACH Me....

Today, during the brewing of hurriquake Irene... I was at my church.  And first and foremost, let me thank Krissie for watching my kiddos, so I could be there.  I love you girl.  But I was there for a program called REACH.  And there were pastors there from all over creation, trying to learn how our church "does it".  How to be a mobile church, get it running, etc.  And I am so thankful, that today, I was allowed to serve these pastors and their staff.  Such an honor, to be able to touch a few - that could in turn touch thousands.  To see a mass gathering of people - that before today I never knew existed - and see them on fire for God.  Obeying what God is telling them to do.  And it's awesome.  I am thankful that God hasn't called me to start a church.  That would be hard work.  Work that I couldn't even imagine trying to undertake.  And it was gorgeous to see them excited to do it.  And I wanted to hug everyone one of them.  And personally tell them thank you.  Because, as morbid as this sounds, what happened to me is going to happen to someone else, again and again.  But because of Pastor Daniel, Pastor Jeremy, the whole crew of volunteers,etc.  I know where my husband is.  I know I get to see him again.  And I want everyone to have that gift.  I can't imagine not having it.  I just want to stress that what they are doing matters so much - even when it feels like it doesn't - it does.  They just don't know what can happen.

And then I saw this today.  I was blessed to be able to hear Pastor Daniel speak twice today.  And it was a different vibe.  He was speaking to his "peers".  But guess what?  It was no different than him speaking any other day.  Maybe somewhat of different topics - but the message was the same.  Exactly.  And it made me want to scream and jump again.  I am blessed, to have a pastor, who is a real guy.  He doesn't change what he says or thinks for anyone.  He is consistent, no matter who he is speaking too.  And I think, too often, people sway what they say for the crowd they are with.  Now, don't get me wrong, I never thought he did that - I never thought about it at all.  But it hit me when I was standing there, listening to him address his  peers - and I forgot I wasn't at church on Sunday morning - It was awesome.  I am blessed to have a Pastor who is real, and is trying his best - to do exactly what God calls him to do.  I am blessed because he has an amazing wife, who stands beside him, and supports him in that task.  I am blessed for the whole staff of Lifepoint, who support them and us.  I am blessed.  And although, my life has been very hard lately, and I have been very sad - I am blessed.  So today, at REACH,  I was reached.  Shaun was going to change people.  He has.  Now Kristie is going to change  people.  And I am not doing it for Shaun, although I know he would be proud and happy, I am doing it for God.  Because that is what I have been called to do.  I don't know  how I am going to do it - but I am going to do it.  Mark my words... It will happen - someway or another.  So, pray for me... something is brewing in me... big time.

What if I stumble?

I heard a song today while I was at work called, "What if I Stumble?", and I gotta say - it hit home with me.  It's talking about giving God a lot of excuses, over why we can't.  And trust me.  I got a lot.  I feel sorry for myself sometimes.  I feel angry.  Violently angry in my head.  I victimize myself sometimes.  Even the events of nature that have occurred this past week, I have to be honest, I felt it was almost a personal slight.  I know, I know - don't let the world hit me in the head as it comes by - since obviously I think it revolves around me.  And then I sit back and look at myself, and if I was God - I would punch myself in the throat.  I rationally know that earthquakes and hurricanes are not all created for my personal annoyance and grief.  But boy, sometimes it feels like it.

I have had a horrible year.  Can't get any worse at all in my head.  It really can't.  Everything else is so trivial to me.  All thing that concerns me now - my whole reason for living - is my kids.  But I need to focus on people beyond my kids.  There are people out there who need hope.  I need to help them.  I need to get out of my own head, and do what God wants me to do.  And I know Shaun would want that for me too.  I need a purpose greater than my own, because what a dismal existence to live only for man.  Human needs and desires.  It seems really ridiculous if you really sit and think about it.  I could be a millionaire, and it wouldn't matter.  I will never have what I want until I get to heaven.  But I will have it - and that's the one thing that I am assured of.  I know it.  I live by it - breathe by it - only way I sleep.  I don't know when I will have it - but I know I will.  My faith is strong.  I feel like faith is the wrong word though - because I KNOW.

So, I am going to try.  I am going to pray.  And if I stumble - I'll jump right back up.  And then it will start again.  I know I got a team cheering me on in heaven, and pretty sure I got a decent team here on this earth cheering me on also.

SIMPLE...

I sometimes wish I was 3.  Things seem so simple then.  You are old enough to go potty alone, but all other needs are taken care of and met.  Wasn't three a great age?  I don't remember a lot about it - but I am pretty sure it was.  I was blessed to have a set of fantastic parents.  I know that everyone doesn't have that.  And for that it makes me sad.  They have stood by me, supported me, and loved me - even when I was unlovable.  They opened their arms and heart to Shaun when they met him - and loved him unconditionally.  They made him feel welcome in their home, and they showed him the same amount of love that he showed me.  I miss that love that he showed me.  I know it's still there - it will always be in my heart - but I actually miss the moments, ya know?

I thought about love a lot today - true love.  And as I look around me, I realize what a rarity it is to have that.  And if you have that with your spouse, boyfriend/girlfriend, whomever - cherish it.  Because that is a precious relationship.  I know how lucky I am that I had that with Shaun.  I feel like he's my other half.  The yin to my yang.  The peanut butter to my jelly.  I could keep going, but I will not for the sake of your sanity.  But I woke up to a kiss and smile every single day.  And I went to bed the same way.  He always made completely sure that every need I had was taken care of - and tried to take care of all my wants.  And now I realize, every need and want that I thought that I had was already taken care of - because he was here.  Now  I have a lot of needs and wants - that will never be met, and I have to live with that.  I have all the visions in my head of what perfection would be like in my earthly utopia.  And that's all.  Just him back.

But God had a greater need, one that I don't know.  But I have complete faith in his plans.  I wish I could know more, understand more, but I still have faith.  I pray all the time.  I think I am praying more of my waking hours than not.  I pray for people I pass on the street.  Thing I see on the news.  You name it, I am turning into a regular prayer warrior.  But everytime I pray, God blesses me with such a grace that I can't even begin to imagine.  

I have an image in my head that I want to get out on paper, canvas, something - maybe photoshop?  Who knows.  But a picture of Shaun - looking down on me... loving me from afar, but me not realizing how close he actually is.  That might not make sense, but it does in my head.  But that's how I feel.  Sometimes I feel completely alone and abandoned.  And then I realize he's a ton closer than I ever thought.  Kinda like that Hall and Oates song... "So Close, yet so far away..."  I think it was called So Close.  Not sure though.
I just miss him.  I forgive him for leaving.  I just wish he could come back.  Just for a minute.  Sorry this blog was kinda rambling - just a lot in my head.  I had to get it all out.  And it all makes sense to me... LOL... Scary right?

And as Isabella said to me tonight, "You wanna go play with your magic kit?"  Oh, I wish I could.  And I wish it would make it all better.

You can't google everything....

It's 10:10 pm.  Another day has passed - and tomorrow is 9 weeks.  I know I shouldn't count every second but I can't help it.  Most of my day is consumed with thoughts about Shaun in some way, shape, or form.  And tomorrow is back to school for the kids.  And I feel like it's another slap of "normalacy" and it makes me mad.  Because things aren't normal for me.  So, it's hard for me to comprehend how things can still be normal.  To anyone.  Now, rationally I completely understand how.  Just how my life was normal and perfect on June 22 - and someone/somewhere was suffering the same type of thing I am.  But I was going to work, I was planning events for the family to do - I was making plans.  I was living.  Now I feel like I am trudging through.  And the only way that I am capable of that is by the grace of God - and all the prayers I have had covering my heart.

But here is a question.  How do you heal a child when you are broken yourself?  Google it - no good answers.  First time google has let me down.  How do I help my kids, ease their pain, when I ache myself? I have said all the things that you read that you should say.  Here's the fact.  It's crap.  Kids are little people - not unintelligent.  I have had them draw pictures, talk, describe their favorite memories - so on and so forth.  And you know what they want?  Shaun back.  Same thing I do.  So tonight this is the way I handled it.  They both are sad that he won't be there for their first day of school.  I told them it makes me sad too - cause he loved it.  (We laughed about how he'd be excited for a break - summer's can be long when you got three kiddos!)  They said they wanted him back.  I told them that I bet I wanted him back more.  Isabella, that kid - I love her - she looked at me and said, "I bet you do - you all were the other halves."  Not the best grammar - but I got her point.  She knew how much he loved me.  But she also knows how much he loved them.  And we sat for awhile, cuddled up, and watched a little tv.  I got them in the shower - ready for bed for school the next day. Good night kisses and tucked in.  Bella wanted to sleep with me tonight - I let her.  She's there now.  That's all I know to do.  Just love them.  Don't try to fix them.  Just be there if they feel they need a "fixing" moment.

I feel the earth - move - under my feet - I feel the sky crumbling down....

Ok, so that was my sick, twisted humor at today's quake.  But, here is brutal honestly.  Today was bad.  Really, really bad.  I don't think I have cried as much as I have today - since after the funereal.  I get to work, I can't even function.  I sit looking at my computer, and fully try to concentrate on not snorting or hacking while I sit there.  I never would have thought that two months would have brought me to my knees - and it did.  That, along with the kids starting school, not a good combination.  I left work today at 11 because I just couldn't even see.  I didn't know what to do.  I also been really worried about my daughter, Bella. (She's 8).
Bella, sometimes acts completely fine and happy - and others, sad and reclusive.  She tells me shes fine, and nothing's wrong.  I'm her momma, and I know better.  But I haven't pushed her.  Last night I did.  She told me that she didn't want to make me sad.  My response to her was, "But I am sad, and I'm sorry.  But it makes me worry when you don't talk to me."  So she did.  She asked me where Shaun was when I woke her up that morning.  I really thought about lying.  I didn't want to freak her out.  But, I thought if I do lie, and she will learn the truth at some point - she might think I lied about other stuff - so I bit the bullet and told her.  He was downstairs in the floor.  They were waiting on the medical examiner.  She asked me why I didn't let her see him.  I told her that I was afraid it would scare her.  She asked me if it scared me when I saw him at the funeral home - and I told her no.  Not at all, actually - he looked peaceful - not like himself - but peaceful.  I explained to her how his spirit was gone, so it didn't seem like him.  It looked like him, but it didn't seem like him.  She looked at me with those big brown eyes, and said, "I wish you would have let me seen him.  I wanted to tell him bye - I had stuff to tell him."  I feel horrible.  I know, rationally - she didn't need to see him.  But my heart feels sad because she feels like she didn't get her goodbye.
So, as I am leaving work today, I decide to go by Party America and get some balloons, that we could write notes on and send them up to heaven to Shaun. (Sorry for the run-on sentence).  And I do.  I decided to let them go at the city pier where Shaun and I get married.  I never thought I could write that much on a balloon.  Never ever.  We all did.  Jacqueline and her kiddos showed up to support us - which I am forever grateful.  We prayed, I sang to him(not loud - just under my breath), and cried.  And we let them go.  And it was beautiful.  And it helped me a little.  Not a lot, but I felt like I did something for him and the kids today - so it helped.
The kids wanted a frappachino from Starbucks, so we decided to go.  Just to chit chat for a few minutes before we ran our errands.  We were talking about Shaun, all that has happened since me and Jacqueline used to go there with the kids when they were small.  And the next thing I know, I hear a voice in my head say "GET OUT!" I stand up, and the next thing - the ground is shaking - the windows are shaking - and the brick looks liquidy(yes, I know it isn't a real word - but I'm using it.)  We get the kids out the building and run towards a grassy area.  Yes - an earthquake.  Now, I gotta say, I was disappointed that it wasn't the rapture.  But, It makes me thankful, that I was capable to run, I have a desire to not be smooshed by a falling building.  I am thankful I have all this pain - because with it I know I am still here, and can still reach people.  So that's what I will continue to do.  Just please keep praying for me.  I need it. 

I was the kid crying at orientation....

So, like clockwork I guess - have a great day, next one kinda blows.  Seems to be my pattern.  Not a fantastic pattern, to be honest.  It makes me nervous anytime I have a good day... Ugh.  And, honestly - today was okay - up until lunch.  I found out that the brother of a friend of mine committed suicide a week ago.  And it's tragic.  The family is in turmoil and their hearts are broken.  My heart breaks, also - although I haven't seen the guy for a few years.  It just makes me sad, that he felt so hopeless.  That he felt like there was nothing to live for.  And I guess I have been very, very, very sad.  Sadder than I ever thought humanly possible - and I still didn't want to die.  I mean, I guess a part of me thought it would be easier - but I have so much to live for.  And Shaun would want and expect me to carry on.  I am not saying it's easy, but that's what he would make me do.   I just can't imagine feeling so hopeless that it feels like your only option.  That you can't see beyond everything and the moments of sadness to see that there could be something great on the other side.  The whole thing makes my heart feel heavy and sick.  Please pray for this family.  Death is hard in any circumstance - but this has to be one of the hardest.
And then tonight my son had orientation at school.  I hurried out of work, went and picked the kiddos up, and off to orientation we went.  We get to the school, and follow instructions and find his homeroom teacher.  All is well.  And I know I need to tell these teachers what happened to Shaun, just in case - because Tariq has a tendency to blurt out when he gets upset.  And, well, that could make for an awkward conversation.  And all I could think about, was last year, Shaun walking through the halls.  And he was so excited for the kids to go back to school.  He was so "into" being a dad.  He loved it.  He loved parenting, taking care of things, getting their stuff together, making them do their homework - and see the benefits of all of their work and effort.  And he's not there.  I am doing it.  So I walk into the lobby, sit on the bench, and start crying while hugging Isabella.  I am totally embarrassed, and I definitely don't want to embarrass Tariq at school, but I couldn't stop.  I just miss him.  I want him back.  I want him taking care of all of these things.  I need him so much.  I don't think he ever knew just how much he was actually needed.  I hope that he knows now.  I cried on the way home.  I cried when I got home.  It's been a teary day.

So, Webster's don't fail me now.....

What a day in my life.  It has been the biggest roller coaster of emotions that I have ever experienced.  Most importantly - my amazing son, Tariq - was baptized today.  And it was an amazing moment.  Seeing your child - standing up before people - not caring whether people will think it's "cool" or not - and saying - "I LOVE JESUS - AND I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU THINK!?"  Well, that makes his momma proud.  Very proud.  And it makes my heart give a huge sigh of relief.  To know that through Shaun - who instilled it in him, My daddy - who walked him through it, and Jeremy- who baptized him- made my heart feel as if it would explode.  As you all know - Shaun was the most important man in my life.  He was my love, my best friend, my soul mate.  I have never loved anyone like that. Not ever. Never will I again.  You can't have a perfect love like that and ever feel anything close to the same.  Then there is my daddy.  What can I say?  He's my daddy.  He took care of me my whole life - and he still does.  Those are safe arms that I can always fall.  And bless his heart, he is 65 years young, and has been carrying me for the past two months.  And then there's Jeremy - my friend from high school. He provided pre-marital counseling for Shaun and I.  And, he gave Shaun the honor of performing his memorial service.  And, today, he held my son - as he publicly told the world that he would enter the kingdom of heaven.  Three very important and amazing men to me - all having a hand in this most important moment of Tariq's life.  I am forever grateful.  Two got to be there in person today - Shaun was there in spirit - I know it.
And then, this most amazing article was published in the Free-Lance Star today.  Cathy was amazing - she put in words the way I felt.  And I am so thankful that so many more people got to know the story of Shaun and I.  I am so blessed by that.  And not only that, but today I was surrounded by my family and friends.  And today, I felt loved.  I felt blessed.  And I knew that Shaun was all around me.  And still is.  And to see how amazing  God is to us all - WOW!  But, I'm honest in this thing - and I gotta say... It made me want him there even more.  Shaun would have been so excited.  He would have been bouncing off the walls type of excited.  One of his best friends was baptized today.  And all he ever wanted was this man to see what he saw.  And he did today.  When I found out - that his guy was baptized - not only was I floored, but I started sobbing in the middle of Bravo...  I wish Shaun was there in person.  I wish he could have witnessed it first hand.  It hurts in these big moments - when my cheerleader and support isn't there.  But it's amazing if he doesn't provide them in a zillion more ways... And this is another reason that I love him.
But tonight, I was sitting on my porch thinking, like I do each evening, and I got this text...

"I know you do girl.. Your doing exaclty what he would want... changing peoples lives... Showing them how to be real.... I know that u and him have changed me and I am forever grateful.  I can't wait to hug him in heaven and thank him for making me open my eyes..."

And when I got that text, I was praying... And asking God if all this couldn't have happened with him here.  I got a text message as my answer.  And I know Shaun would have sacrificed his life for one person - no less any others.  Even if it was just a planted seed.  He had been through so much, and still dealt with it.  But he wanted everyone to have that peace of God's love.  I am so thankful.  Sad.  Blessed.  Happy.  Sad.  Well, a lot of sad, but great adjectives in there too... So here's my webster's word for today. 

Bittersweet:  both pleasant and painful or regretful.

Yup, that sums it up. And here's a quote for ya...
I feel extremely lucky, extremely grateful, and a little bittersweet, too.
Wentworth Miller

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times....

Tomorrow is a big day in my home.  Tariq has chosen to be baptized - and it's happening tomorrow morning at Lifepoint.  I am so excited, and I feel so blessed.  It's a big day for us.  And I thank Shaun for it -but he would have been so proud to see him - and I know he would have wanted to baptize him.  I wish he could be there.  I know that he will be there in our hearts - but I wish he could physically be there.
I also don't know, if Shaun hadn't passed away, if Tariq would have done it.  It really made Tariq stand back and take a look at himself.  His faith.  His beliefs.  And he decided that he had spouted a lot of what he had been taught, but hadn't taken it all to heart.  So, he made changes - and tomorrow is the big day.  I will always be thankful to Shaun, for all the miracles that he worked in all our lives.  I can't wait to get to heaven and kiss his face all over telling him thank you.  I would have never thought it  possible - to be so in love with someone who isn't here.  To ache for them to share things with you.  To sit all alone at night, kids in bed, and cry because how much it hurts.  But, to be so excited for them.  For the amazement that they are experiencing.  The beauty that they are seeing.  And looking at it through new and fresh eyes.  How can you be so happy for someone, but so sad for yourself?  Doesn't seem like it should be even possible.  How can you miss someone so much?  How do you live when half of you is missing?  How do you make people who have never experienced it understand?  Do you even want them to understand?  I don't know.  I just know that I am a hot mess of emotion tonight - and it doesn't make a lick of sense.  Not at all.  To sum it up - I am happy, sad, nervous, excited, proud, miserable, and achy.  Hmmmm.

Lighter, Liberated, Loving = Happy

I read a quote tonight - here it is.
"It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are."  ~E.E. Cummings
And one more.....
"Almost every man wastes part of his life in attempts to display qualities which he does not possess, and to gain applause which he cannot keep. " ~Samuel Johnson, The Rambler, 1750

So, I have found my topic of thought - which has stewed in my head in little, wispy, thoughts - all around me.  But there are many, many things I miss about Shaun.  But here is one - the man loved it when I was just me.  Just me-in all forms.  Shaun realized something - that being a great man, a great father, a great husband, did not require him being right - he just needed to be real.  He didn't hide anything.  And what I mean in that, is if he acted mad - and I asked him what was wrong - he told me.  If he didn't like something I did, the kids did, he told me.  He rarely kept things bottled up.  He kept some things personal - I don't think being real means being a complete open book to everyone you meet - but he was Shaun.  He dressed the way he wanted to.  He sang as loud as he wanted to.  He had a question, he asked it.  You asked his opinion (you better really want it) - because he would give it to you lock, stock, and barrel.   And here is what I think - you have to know yourself to be yourself.  Have to.  Otherwise you are gonna have some problems.
And I have learned a lot about myself the last 8 weeks.  And I will be myself.  If someone asks me a question - expect an honest answer.  I will let everyone know how I believe, I will recognize my short-comings, and work on those. Why?  Because I want people to know the real me - and love the real me.  I can't worry about being over sensitive to the where no one really gets to know me.  I want people to experience what I am experiencing - but without the tragedy that it took to get me here. 
But I will wear funky shoes, cool jewelry, and have tattoos.  Why?  Because they make me smile.  And if folks think it's weird?  Then let's talk about it - we might become buddies.   And frankly, we only live once.  And it can be over in an instant.  Live your life to the fullest - enjoy every second - and make an impact on humanity while you do it.  Of course you will cry - I do about 70 times a day.  But I will make God proud, Shaun proud, my kids proud - and I will die trying to do so.  Love you guys... 
(And sidenote - Shaun loved the weird jewelry, funky shoes, weird accessories - and he would always say, "Now babe, that's you.  I never thought I would say that about anyone - but you rock it. "  So, apparently, when you are yourself, you rock it.  So - Let's all rock it.  Cause Shaun loved himself some Shaun - and he rocked it, too!)

Stating the obvious....

Okay, yesterday was a bad day.  All around in different ways.  So I am not going to dwell on it - go into an explanation of it - cause it's over.  And well, there really is no explanation - which in turn would end up as a mindless rant.  So I will move on.
As some of you know, I had a weird experience the day I scattered Shaun's ashes.  If you haven't read it - It was August 6th.  And well, one of the ladies that prayed with me told me to paint.  Weird if you know me at all. I am not artistic.  Not in the slightest.  At all.  But whatever - why not, right?  The next day I bought stuff to paint with. And it has sat until last night.  I started it last night because I was distraught.  And I finished it tonight.  Now, just so you know - what you are about to see might shock you.  Because I am still not a painter!  So don't be scared.  But, here's something I figured out in this process. It made me nervous because I know I am not a gifted artist. And frankly, I felt kinda dumb. It isn't for anyone but me.  It doesn't have to be perfect.  It just needs to be real.  And it is real.  It's me.  It's what was in me.  And it's out on a canvas. Which, is kinda cool.  Not pretty - not perfect - but bright and true.  So maybe that's why I needed to do it.   And I might keep on...  Creating pictures that will make art critics cringe, and artists hang their heads in shame.  But I think I am gonna smile everytime I look at one.  And you know what Shaun would say?  "Baby, it's beautifuLL..."  Because, that's the kinda guy he was.  (Yes he was the type of man to praise me when I didn't deserve it - and I still love him for it.  :-)

So, tonight is better.  Not great.  But maybe I have a way to help myself in a way - if I get to the point where I can't put my feelings in words like I did last night.

It's been a rough night....

It's been a rough night.  It's been a weird night.  Just pray for me.  I need it tonight.

My baby was one awesome cupcake...

A cupcake is a person who...
...from outward appearance you would assume they are tough, but on the inside they are soft.
...can be very sweet.
...is the perfect size, just the right amount of everything.
...is also cute yet delicious.
...people are always in the mood to hang out with them, just like people are always in the mood to have    cupcakes.
...people never get sick of. 

So how do you recover from losing something so awesome?  By God's grace is my only hope.  I had another outburst at work today.  I was completely fine before lunch - but lunch apparently stemmed a meltdown.  I mean, I didn't scream like a crazy person - but my heart was.  I kept thinking how he wouldn't be there when I got home.  And think I kept thinking about how I moved his clothes.  And I felt guilty.  And I can tell you - I know it's perfectly normal to move his clothes - and the only way I moved them was to the other side of the closet (we shared one side - we had a weird shaped closet).  And, he used to keep his clothes on that side in the winter - but had moved them in the spring. But I felt like I betrayed him in a way.  I changed the sheets on the bed.  I know, I know - that's normal.  But I have "our" sheets.  The sheets we slept on together.  The sheets I cried into when he died. I sealed them in a space saver bag.  I don't care if it's gross.  I will keep them.  I feel guilty.  Like I "cleaned up" his death.  And all I really was trying to do, was first, keep the room as neat as he did.  He was neat - always made the bed, hated clutter.  But second, My life is already hard - trying to pilfer between my clothes and his was just adding to my stress.  Feeling yucky, because I was so afraid to touch anything that I would change the way it was that day - but I had to. I still can't open the bathroom door.  And I feel guilty about that.  Like I should go in there - but I can't.  I want it sealed off.  I mean how do you go in a bathroom where the love of your life died.  I just can't.  So why do I feel guilty?  I have no clue.  But I still do.  I love that man more than anything - I always will.  I just hope he wouldn't be hurt.

I thought it was Dr. Seuss, but really it was True Blood!

So, what I am saying is this... you can't judge a book by it's cover.  Clever, right?  I think the word idiom is a funny word - and it means - as defined by Webster (and you all know I love my definitions) - is this:

"an expression whose meaning is not predictable from the usual meanings of its constituent elements, as kick the bucket  or hang one's head,  or from the general grammatical rules of a language, as the table round  for the round table,  and that is not a constituent of a larger expression of like characteristics."

So, what that says is this - a group of words that really mean nothing in comparison to what they say.  Wow.  Do you know anyone like that?  Who says one thing, but does something different.  And is it ironic, that the word idiot is so close to the word idiom?  That made me chuckle.  And that's for free... 


But what I have been thinking about today, is that you can't judge a book by it's cover.  You can't look at a human, and base what they are -  who they are - on their exterior.  I mean, really.  Do you want people judging you based on your outward appearance?  Maybe your outward actions?  Have you ever had a poor moment - where your hairs all jacked, your make up is running, and you forget to put on deodarant, and you feel like Satan wants his weather back - since it's so hot?  Or how bout the time you freaked out in the car because you got cut off?  I am sure, that most people have had those moments, and wouldn't want people making judgement calls about us based of them.


But I heard something at work today, and it kinda hurt my feelings.  Two ladies were outside smoking, and they were talking about a young man standing outside.  Out of his earshot, but within mine.  And they were talking about him because he had gauges in his ears, mega tattoos, and he didn't fit their description of "normal".  So I talked to the kid - and he was a kid - 22.  And they thought they were out of earshot.  Guess what.  Not so much.  And he was so sweet.  Passionate about life.  Had been through a lot - but had a beautiful heart.  I invited him to church - and here was his response - "I always wanted to go to church, but no churches want me.  They judge me like those two."  So, I told him all about lifepoint and that we love him.  I told him about Shaun, showed him my tattoo.  Showed him videos on my phone ( gotta love an iphone) - and he said, "I wouldn't feel weird?"  My response - "Only if it makes you feel weird for people to love you and love that you are there."  He took my phone number, email, and said he would come.  And he will.


Then I think about Shaun.  He was nervous as to what people would think of him walking into church.  This huge man.  Tattoos.  Ears pierced.  Bald.  Kinda looked mean.  And he went in with defenses high.  But everyone tore those down. And what in turn happened?  He got saved.  He became on Fire for God.  He changed my life.  He changed the kids life.  Had we made horrible mistakes?  Of course.  But God has forgiven us.  So, if God can forgive us, and love us, no matter what - who are we to judge? To help build up over brothers and sisters, and get them home? Aren't we here to love and provide support?  Make sure you do that.  I have had too many people judge me in my life - people that I felt somewhat close to.  I've been called names.  And at one point it hurt me.  Now it doesn't.  Now I feel sadness towards them.  Because, how sad it has to be - to feel that way.  

I can't ever say thank you enough, to all the people who loved on my Shaun.  Who made him feel welcome.  Who loved him beyond his rough exterior.  Who brought out the side I always saw, to where others could see it too.  Just remember, when you look at someone, you never know why they are the way they are  - why they act the way they act - why they look the way they look.  And if something about it bothers you - pray about it.  And love them anyway.

Shaun, this parts for you.  I miss you.  I would give anything to have a "Shaun Pep Talk" right now.  But thank you for continuing to show me things everyday.  For little notes you hid and never gave me.  I still feel like you are talking to me sometimes.  I cry every hour I would say - but I smile thinking about you a lot more often.  You are my heart - and I love you so much.

Precious Gift in a Thunderstorm....

Once again, a night of writer's block.  Had no idea of what to write.  And then here comes God's message to me in the midst of a thunderstorm.  And I have never had a better one, never.  If you look at my facebook page, we had a ferocious storm tonight.  It was sunny out... and then freakishly black clouds.  If you know me well, thunderstorms freak me out.  I have been known to hide in neighbors basements.  And here comes the first scary storm since Shaun died.  Great.  Fantastic even.  And it was a miraculous day.  So I didn't want it to be tainted by a storm that scares me - but it seemed inevitable.
Today at church, we had a mass baptism.  It was powerful.  Moving.  I cried like I never had before.  I saw two dear friends of mine, go forward and be baptized.  They were on Shaun's bowling league.  He LOVED these guys.  Heart and Soul.  And he would be so happy to know that they were in church.  And he would be so happy to know that he's gonna get to "bowl" with them in heaven.  And today he rejoiced, along with a bunch of other people, because they made decisions.  And I knew where the wife's heart was - for awhile.  But I worried and prayed for the husband.  And today, I hugged him and cried uncontrollably, because I know that today - we will all be together in heaven.  And as I hugged him, I felt Shaun hugging us both.  I know that we will be together forever.  And my friends turned into my siblings.  And it's a powerful feeling to see and feel that.  But that's not all....
Me and the kids are watching Disney tonight.  The storm is coming, and it's scary looking outside.  I am talking to them about the baptisms and what they meant.  Isabella is talking about the "rapture" (which is funny coming from an 8 year old - but awesome.)  But, I decide to eat ice cream.  Me and the kids.  It's storming.  I hate storms.  I love ice cream and my kids.  I thought it might balance out the ickiness of the storm.  I get the ice cream out and my doorbell rings.  I think it's my neighbor.  It's not.  It's a woman I know from a few years back.  And she is standing on my doorstep in a torrential downpour.  And she tells me, and I cry as I type this, that her daughter made a public profession of faith today.  That they went to Lifepoint - due to my video and posts, and others they know there.  And she felt led to let me know tonight that because of everything - they ended up there this morning.  And their lives are forever changed.  I cried and stood there with my mouth agape.  And hugged her.  She was the most gorgeous sight I think I have ever seen.  I don't know if she will ever know, what she did for me tonight in the middle of a storm.  But she was a rainbow in a scary moment.  And wow - How many scary moments have I been through and they all have rainbows.  I am so blessed.  So lucky.  And so thankful for the expansion of God's kingdom.  I am glad that Shaun is a big muscular man.  Because he is gonna have to work fast.  Cause we got alotta people gonna show up - so get ready.  Heart and Soul.

Somewhere Over the Rainbow....

I really love my husband.  I know he's no longer here, but I love him so much.  Today I took the kids to Wal-Mart for school supplies.  Not only did it cost me $98.00 and I did not deviate from the list (with the exception of marshmallows, vegetable oil, hershey bar 6 pack, and graham crackers.)  But I realized I abhor school shopping.  Shaun did always did it.  And never complained.  Well, I am not Shaun, and I did it - but I did complain - as I am now.  But anyway, I digress.  He did these little things just to help out and I love him for it. 
But here's a neat thing.  I have great friends.  Amazing even.  But today, Jacqueline flew to Atlanta leaving me with a weird level of anxiety.  I don't know what it is. I am psychotically co-dependent on the woman. She is a huge level of comfort for me.  I can go to her with anything at all - stupid or not - and she never thinks it is.  And if she does, she doesn't say so.  I know I can call her all hours of the night, she will answer, and if I need her, she will come.  I haven't called her at all hours of the night, but I'm just saying, if I had to, there she would be.
I have another friend Krissie who is the same.  But a few months ago she moved to DC for her job.  I hated it and I still do.  She was known as the "sister wife" of me and Shaun.  We all three hung out together, went to church together, went to dinner together, always having kids in tow.  It was a man on man defense.  Three kids - three adults.  But we figured we looked like "Big Love" walking around, so we jokingly called her my sister wife.  She spoke at Shaun's service, and even referenced it. 
So, tonight, Krissie came to spend the night and is going to church in the morning.  I was playing the song "Hey Soul Sister" so she could hear what made me cry...  and of course - I was crying.  I didn't have to point out what parts.  But then I look up, and it's pouring the rain - we are on the front porch, and there is a huge rainbow.  And it was like - wow!  And as we talked about Shaun, it got brighter.  It made me smile.  And I thought of this.  No matter how dark and rainy the sky seems, there can still be a rainbow.  And, if you focus on that tiny bit of beauty, in the middle of a storm, It just might get brighter.  And as it gets brighter, you might get to where you can't see it anymore.  And if you can't see it anymore, More than likely the storm is over and the sun is shining.  So, I see a rainbow.  I am gonna keep focusing on my rainbow.  And although I know it's never gonna be, " a balmy 75 degrees and perfect blue skies", I can pray for the storm clouds to get smaller and be off in the distance.  And be thankful for that moment of beauty in a storm.  Cause It was a stormy day - and I got my little rainbow.

Another Angel in Heaven...Miss you Mom Mom Nancy Dixon!

I had a hard time deciding what to write about tonight.  There are too many different ways that I could go.  But I have a heavy heart, because tonight, another beautiful person got to see the face of our Savior.  So, I want to take tonight just to remember her for a few minutes, and maybe introduce you to a fantastic lady you never got to meet.  Mom- Mom Nancy was a sweet and fantastic lady.  She was spunky, funny, could cook some awesome food, all straight from Glen Burnie, Maryland.  From the day that I bought the house beside her daughter and her family - she was open and friendly.  Always made me feel welcome, and when I had some rough times, she would come sit on my porch and talk to me. She was a great mom, wife, and grandmother.  My kids adored her, too. 
She had suffered a long and hard sickness, and I know that she is now no longer in pain.  And I would dare to bed, that Shaun was standing there waiting on her when she got to heaven.  He probably told her, "I've been waiting on you gorgeous.  What took you so long?"  And then envelop her a big bear hug.  Tonight my heart aches for Kelly, Pete, and the kids.  My my heart also rejoices for Nancy.  I am so happy for her tonight.  But I know what lays in store for her family.  Spontaneous crying, hours of sadness, and always the never ending questions.  I would give anything to be able to take their pain away, although I know I can't.  So, tonight with a heavy heart, I ask all of you to send a prayer for Kelly and her family.  I know firsthand that they are going to need them.  And Mom-Mom, I hope you know how much I love you.  Take care of Shaun up there, and keep him in line... I know you will.  Till we meet again... I'll miss you.

Soul Sister....

So, I had a rough and good day.  Started rough, well till about 6 it was rough.  Then it got better - football was on and Shaun had entered the building... LOL... But this blog is going to be shorter than most - just a thought.  Today I work I was listening to my ipod.  And I am purposely skipping songs that might make me sad.  So, I decided that I was gonna listen to "Soul Sister", by Train.  Upbeat and happy, right?  I thought so.  Until I listened - really listened.  I could sing this song to Shaun, and he could sing it to me - and the lyrics described us to a tee.  The line that made me cry hard was this:

"The way you can cut a rug
Watching you is the only drug I need
So gangster, I'm so thug
You're the only one I'm dreaming of
You see I can be myself now finally
In fact there's nothing I can't be
I want the world to see you'll be with me"

If you know Shaun and me - that was us.  All the way... but the whole song... Made me laugh and cry.  Because I realized, although I lost him - I HAD him.  He was mine.  In love with me.  No one else.  And he sung to me.  He kissed me.  He laid my pajamas out.  He knew what I needed before I knew.  I was his "Soul Sister".  And he was my world.  He still is.  I am not one for posting videos, etc. in a blog - but if you haven't heard it - Listen to it.  And think of how blessed I am that I feel this way about him, and vice versa.  Then say a quick prayer - not only for me, but my kids, and anyone else who has suffered a loss.  

A Sweet New Friend, that was once only a name....

So, tonight was a therapeutic night.  I met a really sweet and cool guy.  He is a photographer for the Free-Lance Star here (our newspaper here in Fredericksburg).  And he came to my house tonight take some pictures for the newspaper.  And let me just tell you - what a sweet man he is.  We sat and just talked.  He let me tell him all about Shaun.  Everything.  And we talked about eternity.  The planets.  Galaxies.  How "big" we think our little world is, but how small it is in comparison.  I knew of Reza for a long time.  You see, when I started my little photography business on the side, I named it Reza Photography.  My daughter, Isabella, was going to be named Reza if she was a boy.  Unbeknown est to me, there was an amazing photographer who worked at the the newspaper with the same name.  Go figure.  I thought I was being an original with that name. Frankly, I was kinda annoyed when I saw it in the newspaper - under a gorgeous picture.  And not annoyed at him, but that I lost my own originality, or so I thought.  I can be a true nerd.  The name "Reza" is Isabella's dad's middle name, that's where I got it from.  I always thought it sounded cool and powerful.
So today, I met a great man.  He made me feel 100% comfortable and at ease.  And I felt so open talking to him.  I really feel like he knew and genuinely cared about the pain I was going through.  He walked into my house tonight, as a complete (well almost complete) stranger.  And when he left, I feel like I made a lifelong friend.  And for anyone who is experiencing a loss in your life, here's a piece of advice - at least it worked for me.  There is nothing more beautiful, more powerful, and more soothing - than telling someone about the love you lost.  Being able to describe them in detail, the way you remember, and try to paint a picture for them of who they actually were.  Because, they have no predispositions of you - not at all, and none of them.  But, my caution is this  - I was blessed to be able to a person who genuinely wanted to hear.  And was open.  He shared with me parts of his life.  So, tonight, I say thank you to Reza Marvashti.  Thank you for being awesome at what you do - and thank you for allowing me to be me.  Tonight, I will go to bed with a smile, because I know, that another person in this world, knows what an amazing man Shaun was.  And I know, he wishes he got to know him.  And, I bet - they would have been good friends.  I guess I will have to introduce them when we all get to heaven.

Just got to thinking.

I just got thinking. It's going to always be hard. I'm at work, and I had that yucky feeling come over me. I stopped and prayed. And it helped. I am thankful for my memories, but I'm mourning the fact of no memories for our future. It makes me sad. I looked through the pics on my phone. He's adorable. Look at this. What a cheeser. I was/am so blessed by him Thought this might make someone else smile.


- Kristie blogging from her iPhone!

Yup, somethimes I hate myself.

Sometimes I hate myself, I really do.  Well, hate might be a little harsh, but I do get on my own nerves severely.  Anyway.  Here is why.  Today, while at work(imagine that - another epiphany while at work), I am sitting all around my pictures of Shaun.  Now if you don't know me well, you don't know how proud I was of Shaun.  I loved tellling everyone about him.  I showed them pictures, talked about him constantly.  People I worked with sweetly joked with me about all my notes in my lunches from him.  I loved to introduce him to people.  I liked showing him off.  He is the most gorgeous man I ever laid eyes on - inside and out.  And because I adored him, and loved him like no other man in this world, I couldn't keep his name out of my mouth.  It was a constant.
Now, you might be saying, "Kristie, that's awesome - that's the way it's supposed to be...", and I concur. (I don't think that I have ever used the word "concur" in a sentence ever. - Just a side note)  Anyway, I agree.  Completely.  But tell me this.  Shaun was a man.  An everyday man.  He loved me, yes - and he was the most important man in my life ever, true.  Why in the world, do I not talk about God and Jesus like I did Shaun?  I mean, that's true unconditional and sacrificial love... and for all this time I have taken it for granted.  You know how you watch a movie, and there is the underdog who loves the girl who is popular, and she is mean and ignores him - unless she wants something?  She doesn't want to be friends with him at school, but likes to hang out with him when no one is around?  Too concerned about what others might think?  You know the girl we love to hate?  Hello, nice to meet you - my name is Kristie and I am that girl.  Except it isn't an "underdog" - It is God.  That was a low blow for this girl today.  And I won't do it again.  I am going to try my best to show him the love and adoration that he showed me.  So, I will reintroduce myself.  My name is Kristie Greenberg - the wife of Shaun Greenberg (who is amazing).  And I am in love with a magnificent and powerful God, who loved me so much - he sacrificed his own child for me.  I am forever in his debt and want to bring Glory to him at all times.  That's who I am.  I love you guys...

Brotherly love lives on...

So, I gotta say - Philadelphia is awesome.  I mean, I love the Eagles, the phillies, Philly Cheese steaks, the whole thing.   But more than that - I love a sweet girl who resides there.  And here is the funny thing.  I have never met her personally - but I feel like I have know her for years.  We have talked extensively on the phone - and to be honest - to explain how I know her is a totally different blogpost.  Anyhoo... She called me tonight.  And she was sad.  And she had every reason under the sun to be sad.  And then she said to me, " I feel so dumb even crying on the phone and talking to you about this.... "  And let me tell you girly, and the rest of the world, DON'T FEEL DUMB!  It made me feel happy, that even though I have been through something horrific, you aren't treating me with kids gloves.  I can handle it.  I am still a mom, a wife, a friend, a sister, an ear... and I want to be here for you.  And if you are sad, it is never dumb.  Not ever.  It's a true feeling.  I was sad yesterday because Jacoby was crying his little head off.  Was it the worst sadness ever?  Of course not.  Did it feel pretty bad in that moment?  Yup, sure did.  Here's the difference - The pain I feel from Shaun's death is constant.  Some types of pain are shorter.  Some, like Jacoby's temper tantrum, are fleeting.  But in that moment of stress, sadness, or remorse - they are still true and honest feelings.  So don't apologize.
But, I believe that God has amazing things in store for the beautiful woman.  She is a tenacious girl, gorgeous, and has a tough exterior.  But she is beautiful, caring, and amazing on the inside.  And I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that God has some amazing things in store for her and her daughter.  So today, I ask all of you to pray for this sweet woman who touched my heart tonight.  She made me feel human again, by telling me her sadness.  And thank you - you know who you are - for being right there.. right when I needed you.  Because you might not realize it, but you helped me a ton tonight - and just showed me once again, how phenomenal God is - and how he helps me always.  Xoxo...

Satan is a Doo Doo Head....

Novel title, correct?  I believe so. It was a statement I made today, talking to my friend Jacqueline, and she said - that should be the next title to your next blog post.  So Jacqueline, here it is.  I had one amazing, God touched, beautiful, yet sad day yesterday.  But, I also had people carrying the burden where I couldn't - told my hand where I was weak.  And if you are new to my blog, Sunday is my day.  I live for Sundays.  Shaun loved Sundays.  He loved going to church, family time, football - everything about Sunday to him was precious.  So, I now feel in tune to that - and have the same feeling.
So, I get up this morning - and what do I wake up to?  Fighting.  Tariq and Isabella are going at it like two MMA fighters going for the title.  All we needed was a cage, satin shorts, and weird tattoos.  Nice.  This is the Lord's Day.  And because, I am mother of the year, - what do I do?  Start yelling.  Because we all know as parents, there is no better way to calm your children, and teach them to talk in calm rational voices, than by yelling at the top of your lungs to be quiet.  (We all know I didn't say be quiet.  I said "Shut UP!  Are you kidding me!  We are going to church and we need to get ready!!!!!!!!!! Etc. Etc. Etc. "  Not a great mother moment, but that's what happened.)  Finally, Krissie, the kids, and me are in the car on the way.  Tariq and Isabella are sitting in complete silence.  Not in awe and wonder of the gorgeous morning, as I wish they were.  Probably thinking their mom is an emotional wreck, and trying to avoid another moment of yelling.  I saw them in the rearview mirror, and I felt horrible.  I apologized for my behavior, but it didn't excuse theirs.  They apologized too - and I must say  - I was feeling pretty stellar.  Off to church we go.
I get to church, and it is awesome - as always.  Praise and Worship - especially when Mia is singing - phenomenal.  I don't know what it is about that woman - but she makes me cry when I hear her sing.  Pastor Daniel, amazing.  You don't wanna miss this series.  Wow.  Whole experience fantastic.  I get the kids and Krissie, we are going to AC Moore to get paint (refer to yesterday's post) - and then Panera.  The kids have been wanting to go to Panera.  So off we go.
We order, pray, get our food.  All is well... then Jacoby goes into complete and utter meltdown mode.  He is screaming the high pitched scream - for no apparent reason.  I quickly scoop him up and take him outside (I will say here, if you have kids who act insane in a restaurant - do the same.  I hate it when my kid is having a moment of good behavior, and another kid starts freaking out - and then, well, it's all gone.)  So, I feel like it is time to remove him from the situation.  I am at the Panera in Central Park.  Holding him.  He is crying and I have no clue why.  I believe it has something to do with wanting to squeeze the Go-gurt on his head, that I wouldn't allow to happen, and therefore - I am evil.  So now, the evil lady who wants him to have no fun, has taken him from the Go-gurt bliss, and is walking him around a hot and humid parking lot in August.  (Good idea on my part here also.)  So what does super mom begin to do?
Cry.  I cry like a spanked school girl.  Holding my crying baby.  Sight to see I am sure.  And I think to myself, to God.  How in the world am I supposed to do this for the next     18 years?  No way.  But as I am having this inner battle, I realize.  It's not going to be for the next 18 years, maybe 2 of the screaming and you don't know why.  And I realize, that in those two years, Tariq will be 14.  My first baby will be almost a man. Hmmmm.....  I realize time is fleeting.
So, I know, as a widowed mom to four kids, albeit only three live with me, I am lucky.  Because I have them.  And although Jacoby kirking out in Panera seemed massive at the time, I laugh as I talk about it now.  And if Satan thinks he get me down by making my kid take a fit in Panera, not gonna happen.  I might have got out of sorts, but I will win the war.  No doubt.  I have an amazing God on my side, an amazing husband on my side, and four amazing kids on my side.  Can't get to me.  You can't.  So, Satan is a Doo Doo head.  Don't think you can ruin my beautiful weekend.  By trying to stress me out, you made me realized how blessed I am.  I have so many people who love me, here to help me. My husband might not be here, but I have a family of thousands who will help where he can't.  I love you all...

Two Angels in Baltimore....

Ok, today was a big day...  A huge day to say the least.  Today, I fulfilled two of the four of Shaun's wishes.  Needless to say, it was a tough day at that.  Me, along with 11 of my close friends(and kids) went to Baltimore.  We went to the Ravens practice, the inner harbor, and then we ended the day with a fantastic lunch at PF Changs.  (If you know Shaun, you know his love for PF Changs).  Well, once again, if I haven't said it before, I am a smoker.  I know it's gross, I have seen pictures of rotten lungs.  I will quit.  I just have been through a lot, and I am not doing it right now.  Well, after we had eaten-and before desert, I decided I was going to go outside and smoke a cigarette.  As I am standing outside, I saw Shaun across the road.  Leaning on a pole, smiling at me.  I know it sounds crazy, maybe it was heat and dehydration - but I know what I saw.  He waved.  I text Krissie - she came out.  She didn't see him.  I did.  And then I told her to look again - and I looked at her - when I looked back - I didn't see him.  I fell apart.  Sobbing hysterically on Pratt Street in Baltimore.  Felt like I was gonna pass out.  I sit on a flowerbed, Krissie sits beside me.  She texts Brooke to come out with napkins.  She does. Here is where it gets more amazing.
I'm crying - trying to pull it together - feeling like I am losing my mind because it's been an emotional day.  Two women show up out of nowhere.  They ask if I am okay.  I tell them yes, we all do - and they said, "We feel like we need to pray for you.  Do you know Jesus?"  I replied, "Yes, I do."  And they said, "Wonderful."  And they knelt down and began to pray with me, Krissie, and Brooke.  They prayed that I would have peace over Shaun's death.  They prayed for everything I have prayed for.  Things that only my closest friends knew what I felt.  Mind you, I am on one of the busiest streets in Baltimore.  We heard no car noise, no traffic, no nothing.  It was like an out of body experience.  I can't even explain the peace and power these two ladies gave me.  This blog cannot do it justice.  But let me tell you this.  God answered many a prayer for me today.  Loud and Clear - 1000%.  (I know it's 1000, that's not a typo.)
The ladies said they had to go - and they would see us at the gates of heaven.  Then, once again, they were gone.  Just like that.  We sat stunned in PF Changs - crying to our other friends who witnessed what was happened, but didn't know what it was.  We walk back to the parking garage - Pier 5 parking for those of you who know B-more, and there is a trumpet player.  As we get closer to him, he begins to play, "I'll be there... "  Me, Krissie, and Brooke cry - you can hear it all the way up to the 4th floor of the garage where our car was.  Loudly.  We sat in silence a good portion of the ride home. 
Here is what I know today.  Shaun is happy for what I did.  God has his hand on me in a more powerful way than I ever thought.  And nothing is impossible, impractical, or insane where he is concerned.  He will do what he wants, when he wants, because he can.  He loves us that much.  I love him that much back.
This is what the card said, and I quote....
"Don't worry about tomorrow... God is already there! - 'For I know the plans I have for you, ' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'"  Jeremiah 29:11... 

80's Fever...

So, tonight was the Volunteer Bash at Lifepoint Church.  Eighties theme.  I dressed up and went.  I was torn about going all week, up until we were in the car.  I wanted to get dressed up in 80's Garb - who doesn't.  But, I didn't want to go without Shaun.  We had big plans as to what our costumes were gonna be - he loved that church and he loved volunteering - and he loved the party.  I really didn't want to go without him.  But I had two very sweet and special ladies go along with me.  Supporting me the whole way.  And I am so thankful for them.
Krissie wanted me to do karaoke with her - and yes, there was a karaoke contest.  (What can I say, our church is quite awesome.)  I am not one who would normally dress up in an Iron Maiden T-shirt and sing, but tonight I did.  Not only did we sing, we sang loud, and we danced.  And Shaun is what gave me the courage to do it.  Since he has died, I have found a new strength, a new voice, that I never knew I had.  I will not live my life in fear, as to what people might think, might say.  I will have fun.  I will say whatever needs to be said.  If someone needs to get to church - I will tell them.  I will say what I believe and know that Shaun is behind me 100%.  I know that if Shaun was looking down tonight, he was proud of me.  Proud of me for going.  Proud of me for doing something fun.  But most of all - proud of me for karaoke.  He would have done it.  But, I don't think he coulda done it like Krissie and I - we were rockin' some Madonna's Material Girl.  And, just so you know, we won the karaoke contest.  Our Prize?  I will tell you.  Two tickets to American Idol at the Verizon Center.... guess Shaun might have to frequent that trip too.  Love you all - Goodnight....

A storyteller...

So, today, I had a friend tell me that I write like a storyteller.  So that's what I am gonna do.  I have ran this day over and over in my head - today, that is - so I am gonna see if I can write it down and do it justice in my head.  It was Mother's Day this year.  For those of you who know my sweet husband, he is a die hard Orioles and Ravens fan.  Baltimore to the core. For those of you who know me, there is nothing I love more than a Pro Baseball game.  Don't care who the team is (albeit preferably the Phillies)  I love going.  Well for those of you who have ever been at Camden Yards - there is a Jumbotron - HUGE AND MASSIVE.  They have funny games, quizzes, stats, and the most important part to this girl - the KISS CAM!!!!!!!!  For Mother's day this year, Shaun took me and my best friend to the Orioles game.  It was a win-win for all.  I was so excited.  I had my love, my bestie, and a pro baseball game - all in one shot.  What more could a girl ask for.  We went directly after church - hit no traffic, and it was a gorgeous day.  A perfect day for a baseball game in Baltimore. Shaun and I always wanted to get on the jumbotron.  If you know Shaun, well, he loved himself some Shaun.  And, I gotta say, I am a fan of this girl.  We loved each other - so just imagine us together.  We were watching the game, me making snide comments about how he was gonna lose me to Nick Markakis - and having a grand time.  Dancing to John Denver's "Thank God I'm a Country Boy", in the 7th inning stretch, and booing the other team having a ball.  But there is the moment of the kiss cam.  AND THEY FOCUSED IN ON US!!!!!!!  It was a great amazing moment!  We both realized we made on the kiss cam at Camden Yards!!!  We look at each other all excited - and we go for it.  We don't do the little peck and laugh - we straight on make out.  Yep, we are those people.  And proud of it.  And they stayed on us longer than anyone else.  You can ask Krissie, it got uncomfortable for her.  But it was a glorious moment for us.  If you are our friends on facebook - check it out - we posted it as our status.  We were both so excited.  And afterwards, we went to the inner harbor, went to UNO's (where I met Shaun) and ate pizza skins.(Which is the best food in the world.)  It was a perfect and happy day.  And here is a cute sidenote that I thought I would never tell people.  After all the hotdogs, nachos, and pizza skins - I felt like a cow.  This gorgeous husband of mine, went to a gift shop - and bought me "Baltimore" sweatpants and a hoodie.  Just so I could be stretchy and comfortable.  Don't tell me that's not one amazing man - that is.  And everytime I go to Baltimore - I'm gonna think of him and Krissie laughing at me walking to car - saying,  "you are obviously a local."  Since I had the town plastered all over my body.  It's a precious memory of millions, and one I wanted to share. 
I love you baby - and I know you are here - and I'll never forget.  I love you.

This pic is a minor reenactment of our kiss cam shot.  Here we are in UNO's at the Harbor - and I am wearing my hot pink Baltimore Hoodie - something that is priceless to me now.

I am not ready, I'll keep my wax lips.

I am not ready to be normal - or anything close to it.  I can't walk around with a smile all the time.  When I am at work, I often feel like I have those big wax lips on.  You know the ones I'm talking about?  Like a creepy smile, and you could bite a thing on the inside?  I feel like when I smile it has to look creepy and strained - at least a lot of the times.  I realized something today - at about 2:30pm.  I am never going to have a normal holiday again.  When Shaun died, it was June 23rd - so yes, I have already been through 4th of July - but that day didn't even register.  What hit me today, is that Jacoby is 17 months old.  So from about 2:50pm, on - It was all I could do not to bust out in tears at my desk.  Shaun got excited for Jacoby's "month birthdays".  That made me think about all of them.  Here are the list of days that I know that are going to stink.
September 9 - my birthday
September 12 - the day we met/Natalie's birthday
Anytime the Ravens win a football game/Anytime the Eagles win a football game
November 5 - Our Wedding Anniversary
Thanksgiving
Black Friday
Christmas
New Years
Profit Sharing
Tax time
Jacoby's birthday
Isabellas birthday
Tariq's birthday
Shaun's birthday
Mother's day
Father's day
And well, that just to name the ones that popped into my head.  Imagine how many more there are going to be.  And what I am so torn about, is that all of these days are supposed to be happy/fun times.  Everyone of these holidays I am always going to be sad.  And I know, I know - it will get better in time.  Whatever.  It is still going to be there.  Last Black Friday, Shaun and I drove around Kingsport, TN all hours of the morning so excited to get presents for the kids for Christmas.  There goes that.  And even if I go with someone - I will always think of him.  Always.  And I don't want to be the sad mom who makes every holiday horrible - I don't.  But how do you celebrate and act excited when you are so sad. Maybe I will figure it out with time.  All I can do now is pray for peace, and just to get through.  I never knew you could miss someone this much.  I really didn't. I think I am having a bit of a pity party for myself this evening.  The rain isn't helping either.  Outside it looks like I feel on the inside.
And on a side note - We saw a turtle in the road.  I had to stop and get it out of the road.  Shaun always did.  And I hate turtles or any type of reptiles/ amphibians - that was for you baby.

A moment of random...

I'm sitting at work and had to get up and take a break. I'm working, and I look up, and I see this intense picture of Shaun. I felt like he was staring at me. I wanna reach in-pull him out- and kiss his beautiful face. Then came that gross, heart sinking in my stomach feeling. I miss him. So very very much.





- Kristie blogging from her iPhone

What's another word for surreal?

According to Wikipedia,  Surreal in general means bizarre or dreamlike.  I don't think that's the exact word that I want to use.  It makes it sound bizarre in a fantastic sort of way.  Or dreamy, like Greg Brady off the Brady Bunch (and no, I don't think he's dreamy, but apparently a few of the ladies did at his high school - I digress).  But when so much has happened - how did it all happen?  I know that I lived through it all because I am still here, but it doesn't seem like it could possibly be real.  There are times that I can talk about Shaun and smile and laugh.  Other times, I bust into tears (refer to yesterday's post).  How can you have such a gamut of emotions, and still walk around.  I feel like I should be comatose laying in bed at times.  And I realize that I am not, I don't know how.  I guess it's the precious babies that have a big hold in keeping me going.  And my support system is phenomenal.  All the feedback, knowing I'm not alone in this, keeps me going.
A reporter came by from the newspaper tonight - and she asked me a lot of questions.  Questions I hadn't even really thought about before.  One of them was why did I start this in the first place?  I had to think about it.  Here's what I came up with.  I don't know if I even told her all this - but here it is.  I needed to tell someone.  I didn't want to burden anyone.  The person that I told everything to, who loved to sit and just listen at me, wasn't here.  His death was what was giving me all these emotions.  We wrote notes, love letters if you will, back and forth.  In a way, I think these are my love letters continuing on.  Because when I wrote to him, I was telling him how I felt.  I am still sharing how I feel - the good, the bad, and the ugly.  Trust, my letters to him were probably much more uplifting and happy - but they were honest.  I was blessed to be married to the most loving, caring, sensitive, passionate, beautiful, fantastic, amazing , and perfect man in the whole world.  So, I guess a good word to describe Shaun would be surreal...how bizarre to find a man that great - to find him, I felt like I had to be dreaming.  God gave me a huge gift.  And he didn't take it away - he allowed me to have him for almost four years.

I already miss my beach house...

Today was hard.  I didn't expect it at all to be.  But then it hit me like a ton of bricks - today was the day that we were gonna move.  August 1st.  Our new beginning.  Our new home.  Not my home that he moved into - our home that we picked together.  We were so excited.  We were planning all the remodels.  Already had stuff packed.  To be honest, there is storage tubs still in my living room of packed stuff - that I just can't move.  I don't know why.  And I keep crying at the drop of a hat.  My poor kiddos have seen me cry like four times since we got home.  Isabella keeps coming to me and giving me tissue and saying, "It's okay to cry mommy - we all do."  And I know, we all do.  But we had so many plans - such an exciting time of our life was supposed to begin today.  And we were going to live at a beach.  Do you have any idea how much I wanted that?  To live in a golf cart community?  We had looked at golf carts, and dreamed about the cool one that we would get, when we could afford it.  It makes my heart literally ache.
And if that wasn't enough, I decide I am going to be less of a dirtball.  I am going to be honest here  - and don't judge me - but since Shaun died - my desire to clean has went straight out the window.  I have cleaned the kitchen, vacuumed, but that about did it.  But when today, I was hunting for underwear, and wearing a dress I didn't even know I owned - I thought - maybe I should do some laundry.  So I did.  Wash it, Dry it, and then fold it.  When I started folding it - there was Shaun's boxers, wife beaters (you know the tank tops), a couple polos, socks, etc.  I was so upset I washed them.  What if they still had his smell on him?  I felt like I washed away some of his DNA.  I know it sounds sick, and it is - but it made me cry.  And I sat there, holding all these fresh, Tide smelling clothes, and just sobbed.  And here comes Isabella, kleenex in hand.  And she said, "Mommy, I bet they stunk.  And Shaun didn't like it when anybody stunk."  And it made me laugh.  Because she's right.  He didn't.  At all.  It's amazing how God knew I would need those two today.  And got them home to me just in time. I can't thank him enough.
You know, I read somewhere that losing someone is like being an amputee.  I don't know what that's like, but I can say this.  I have heard that there are phantom pains - which are very real in the limb that you lose.  It still feels like the limb is there.  I do feel like something was removed - and the pain is still there - a dull throbbing most of the time, but when you least expect it a sharp stab.  I have had the stabbing pains tonight, so if you will, please pray that tomorrow it goes back to a dull throb.  God will get me through this.  I know it.