I feel the earth - move - under my feet - I feel the sky crumbling down....

Ok, so that was my sick, twisted humor at today's quake.  But, here is brutal honestly.  Today was bad.  Really, really bad.  I don't think I have cried as much as I have today - since after the funereal.  I get to work, I can't even function.  I sit looking at my computer, and fully try to concentrate on not snorting or hacking while I sit there.  I never would have thought that two months would have brought me to my knees - and it did.  That, along with the kids starting school, not a good combination.  I left work today at 11 because I just couldn't even see.  I didn't know what to do.  I also been really worried about my daughter, Bella. (She's 8).
Bella, sometimes acts completely fine and happy - and others, sad and reclusive.  She tells me shes fine, and nothing's wrong.  I'm her momma, and I know better.  But I haven't pushed her.  Last night I did.  She told me that she didn't want to make me sad.  My response to her was, "But I am sad, and I'm sorry.  But it makes me worry when you don't talk to me."  So she did.  She asked me where Shaun was when I woke her up that morning.  I really thought about lying.  I didn't want to freak her out.  But, I thought if I do lie, and she will learn the truth at some point - she might think I lied about other stuff - so I bit the bullet and told her.  He was downstairs in the floor.  They were waiting on the medical examiner.  She asked me why I didn't let her see him.  I told her that I was afraid it would scare her.  She asked me if it scared me when I saw him at the funeral home - and I told her no.  Not at all, actually - he looked peaceful - not like himself - but peaceful.  I explained to her how his spirit was gone, so it didn't seem like him.  It looked like him, but it didn't seem like him.  She looked at me with those big brown eyes, and said, "I wish you would have let me seen him.  I wanted to tell him bye - I had stuff to tell him."  I feel horrible.  I know, rationally - she didn't need to see him.  But my heart feels sad because she feels like she didn't get her goodbye.
So, as I am leaving work today, I decide to go by Party America and get some balloons, that we could write notes on and send them up to heaven to Shaun. (Sorry for the run-on sentence).  And I do.  I decided to let them go at the city pier where Shaun and I get married.  I never thought I could write that much on a balloon.  Never ever.  We all did.  Jacqueline and her kiddos showed up to support us - which I am forever grateful.  We prayed, I sang to him(not loud - just under my breath), and cried.  And we let them go.  And it was beautiful.  And it helped me a little.  Not a lot, but I felt like I did something for him and the kids today - so it helped.
The kids wanted a frappachino from Starbucks, so we decided to go.  Just to chit chat for a few minutes before we ran our errands.  We were talking about Shaun, all that has happened since me and Jacqueline used to go there with the kids when they were small.  And the next thing I know, I hear a voice in my head say "GET OUT!" I stand up, and the next thing - the ground is shaking - the windows are shaking - and the brick looks liquidy(yes, I know it isn't a real word - but I'm using it.)  We get the kids out the building and run towards a grassy area.  Yes - an earthquake.  Now, I gotta say, I was disappointed that it wasn't the rapture.  But, It makes me thankful, that I was capable to run, I have a desire to not be smooshed by a falling building.  I am thankful I have all this pain - because with it I know I am still here, and can still reach people.  So that's what I will continue to do.  Just please keep praying for me.  I need it.