Today was hard. I didn't expect it at all to be. But then it hit me like a ton of bricks - today was the day that we were gonna move. August 1st. Our new beginning. Our new home. Not my home that he moved into - our home that we picked together. We were so excited. We were planning all the remodels. Already had stuff packed. To be honest, there is storage tubs still in my living room of packed stuff - that I just can't move. I don't know why. And I keep crying at the drop of a hat. My poor kiddos have seen me cry like four times since we got home. Isabella keeps coming to me and giving me tissue and saying, "It's okay to cry mommy - we all do." And I know, we all do. But we had so many plans - such an exciting time of our life was supposed to begin today. And we were going to live at a beach. Do you have any idea how much I wanted that? To live in a golf cart community? We had looked at golf carts, and dreamed about the cool one that we would get, when we could afford it. It makes my heart literally ache.
And if that wasn't enough, I decide I am going to be less of a dirtball. I am going to be honest here - and don't judge me - but since Shaun died - my desire to clean has went straight out the window. I have cleaned the kitchen, vacuumed, but that about did it. But when today, I was hunting for underwear, and wearing a dress I didn't even know I owned - I thought - maybe I should do some laundry. So I did. Wash it, Dry it, and then fold it. When I started folding it - there was Shaun's boxers, wife beaters (you know the tank tops), a couple polos, socks, etc. I was so upset I washed them. What if they still had his smell on him? I felt like I washed away some of his DNA. I know it sounds sick, and it is - but it made me cry. And I sat there, holding all these fresh, Tide smelling clothes, and just sobbed. And here comes Isabella, kleenex in hand. And she said, "Mommy, I bet they stunk. And Shaun didn't like it when anybody stunk." And it made me laugh. Because she's right. He didn't. At all. It's amazing how God knew I would need those two today. And got them home to me just in time. I can't thank him enough.
You know, I read somewhere that losing someone is like being an amputee. I don't know what that's like, but I can say this. I have heard that there are phantom pains - which are very real in the limb that you lose. It still feels like the limb is there. I do feel like something was removed - and the pain is still there - a dull throbbing most of the time, but when you least expect it a sharp stab. I have had the stabbing pains tonight, so if you will, please pray that tomorrow it goes back to a dull throb. God will get me through this. I know it.
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