The Mismeasure of Man...

Okay, here goes.  And hang in there.  Years ago, when I was in college - I read book called the The Mismeasure of Man, written by Stephen Jay Gould.  Gould was a well known paleontologist and science historian.  He was a Harvard instructor.  Smart guy. But this book discusses biological determinism and it's fallacies.  Explains why the IQ tests were invented.  And it goes into deep detail about how many researchers ideas were swayed by the racist society that they lived in.  It's a tough read - but if you are into science and the like - I loved it.
Now, this is where I am going with this.  When I sat to think what to title this blog, because I can't write if I don't have a title - It kept popping in my head.  So, I thought about how this title - and what I needed to say were related.  And it came to me.  So here we are.  For those of you who know me from VA, and Lifepoint, I am sure you know one amazing woman - by the name of Ryan Major.  This woman has put herself out there publicly - about her struggles with weight and what she has done to get healthy.  She went from 308 lbs - to like 10 ounces.  Not really 10 ounces - but lets make this clear.  This weekend, she is competing in a fitness competition.  Amazing.  Literally amazes me.
Today, she posted a pic from a photo shoot she had.  And let me tell you - she looks gorgeous.  And then --- people started being mean.  A tirade of insults were hurled at her for using photoshop in the pictures.  I could not believe what I was reading.  So then I do what any facebook stalker type would do - I started clicking on the pics of the people posting the comments.  All had makeup on, hair do's, and some attempt and being presentable.  And here's the funny thing - Ryan put on the caption of the photo - there had been some photoshop!  WHO CARES - SHE LOOKS WICKEDLY AMAZING AND HOT!
It gave me rage.  Deep down, pit in your stomach, full out RAGE!  I should feel like I should pray for these people, and I have - albeit half-heartedly.  But whatever happened to being kind to other people?  Is jealously really such an overwhelming factor in people's lives, that they can only downgrade others?  If that's the case - no wonder this world is in the situation that we are in.  If you can't go through facebook and be positive - and happy for the successes you see of others - maybe you should delete your page.  Because that isn't healthy.  Or even normal.  I know, that I only put positive things on my page - or funny - or both.  But if I am having a bad day - I don't post it.  I don't say, "Wow - my kids hate me today."  Why would I post that?  It's personal and it will change.  But if it's positive, I sure do!  I want everyone to see my little successes - my kids successes - my husbands, too.
So what I want to say is this - Ryan Major - YOU ROCK! You are one strong motivator, a friend, and someone I look up to.  You are bold in your faith, your beliefs, and your heart.  You put yourself out in the public, just to help others - and unfortunately - at times it makes you a whipping post.  But thank you for being you.
And let's make the rest of the week - a time to be kind.  Just be nice people.  It's that simple.

If you want to read Ryan's story - check it here.... http://majorsmotivation.blogspot.com/p/about-ryan.html.

Messages from the Grave...

Today is mine and Shaun's anniversary.  It was a long time coming.  I know that if you follow this blog, or know me at all - you know the tumultous relationship we had up until that point, and it was truly a day for celebration.  Jeremey married us on a pier in downtown Fredericksburg.  It was a gloomy morning, and then while the ceremony was going on - the sun came through the clouds, and it was perfect.  It was never on my radar that in less than a year he would be gone.  It was a new beginning.  I felt like I had finally gotten it right.

But God's plan was bigger than mine.  Still is.  And for a reason I will never know - part of his plan was to call Shaun home.  But I do know this, I am loved.  God gave me an amazing man with Scott.  A man who loves me unconditionally.  A man who is not intimidated by my past with Shaun.  A man who is supportive.  Who believes in me.  Who lets me cry when I need to.  Who understands that just because Shaun died - doesn't mean my love for him did.  And he knows that my love for Shaun is not related to my love for him.

As soon as I typed that - I just disagreed with myself.  I am a better wife because of Shaun.  A better mom.  A better friend.  I know how fleeting life is.  I know it's important to love as hard as you possibly can.  I will never let a day go by without telling Scott how much I love him.  And I know that would make Shaun smile.  He would be proud of that for me. Shaun would be so happy at how good Scott is to the kids.  Let me rephrase that - I know that Shaun is happy for that. 

So today is bittersweet for me.  Shaun and I finally got it right - and I am thankful it was better late than never.  I know where Shaun is.  Not a doubt in my mind.  I know that God orchestrated my life to get me where I am right now.  It is absolutely amazing if you sit back and look, and see just how intricate God's plan can be.  And this morning when I got to work, I was thinking about all of that.   And then my message arrived.  And although he isn't here - he still cares. 

I will never feel like the days we had were enough.  There were many things I wish I said.  I have cried 1000x more tears than the words I wished I said.  So I am content.  I am grateful.  And I know that love and peace can surpass death anyday. 

And Scott, Thank you for being you.  And loving me.  Hot mess and all.  I love you.

The heart of my little boy.

I am the mom to a fourteen year old boy, and 10 year old girl, and a three year old little boy.  I love my children in many different ways.  My oldest was my first child, he grew up with me in a way.  My daughter came next, and she is like my little mini me.  And then Jacoby, the baby.  The child that I am in complete awe of, everytime I look at him, because I know just how precious he is.  And I know, after having two before him, how fleeting this time is in his life and to appreciate the moments.

But tonight, I am talking about my oldest.   I have never been a fourteen year old boy.  I can't imagine what that is like.  I have never had divorced parents.  I never lost a parental figure.  I never was a stepchild.  My son, has experienced more in his fourteen years more than I have, in many ways.  And for the most part, he is a well mannered, well spoken young man.  Does he do things that drive me absolutely crazy?  More than you could ever know.  But does he have a good heart? The best.

I am writing this because he has weighed on my heart a lot lately.  I moved him across the country - and he was willing to go.  He started a new school, that is triple in size than the high school that he would have went to, and he went with a smile.  No fear.  His first day of school - he didn't have a schedule.  He went with a smile.  I have never been as strong as that kid.  He has seen more in his fourteen years than many people in the US see in their lives.  He has experienced more pain, and pain of his family, than I ever came close to.  And he still does it with a smile.

So what I am saying, Is I am thankful.  Thankful for the resilience of a child.  Thankful for all that he has taught me.  Thankful for the trips we have went on together.  The adventures we have had.  And I look forward to the many to come.  I have not been the perfect parent, I wish I had.  I have learned a lot with him - and I know that I am a better parent to Bella because of it, and even better to Jacoby.

To be honest, on June 22, 2011 - Tariq was a little boy.  On June 23, 2013 - he was almost a man.  Overnight he grew up - literally.  And he has never been the same.  I think, at times, I have expected a lot from him, because of how adult he can act.  Which makes me sometimes forget, that he is still a kid. Learning.  Figuring things out.

So this post is for my son.  I love you Tariq.  To the moon and back again - and I know I am not the perfect momma.  But you are most definitely the perfect son.  And God blessed me so much by giving me  you.  I love you baby.... More than you could ever know.  And I just felt like you should know it too!

Words are my only outlet.

Tonight my papaw passed away. And to be honest, it makes me feel all weird and conflicted. I didn't talk to him often - I haven't lived in the area for 15 years or so. But he was my papaw. My daddy's dad. My roots. The man who has been my constant in this world - he is the reason he exists. And now he is gone. 

My papaw was a Christian. Is a Christian, I should say. He too, is now in a whole new body. Rejoicing with his bride. Celebrating their reunion. But we are here. Behind. Trying to feel that joy, but feeling sad for ourselves. 

I have cried more than I thought I would. He lived a long life - he buried two wives and two children. He was almost 96. His birthday was next week. We were both are virgos. I just realized that we had that in common. I don't know why I didn't know it sooner. That just made me smile. A little bond I just realized existed. A little present from him, I suppose. 

Papaw was always a funny man to me. He was tough. Rugged. Intimidating in a way. He had a loud voice and smelled like chewing tobacco. He always called my daddy, "Son".  I still think that it still so sweet. 

One of my best memories of being a kid is driving to papaw's house- just me and daddy. And it seemed like it took forever. You drive down a four lane road. To a two lane. And then one? And then a gravely road. We would park on the gravel road - walk through a field- and then you were there. And daddy would tell me stories about when he was a little boy. And I would sit on that porch- In southwest Virginia - and try to see my daddy being a kid- and papaw being a young man. 

Papaw had hogs. Cats. Dogs. Horses. Cows. And a plethora of all of them. His house was an adventure.  And he would grab any animal and show it to you. No fear. He was something else. 

I know this is rambling. I just wanted to get it all out. And thank God for making Worley Horne my papaw, and making sure he let us know he was a Christian. Thank you papaw. For being you. For giving me the memories that are woven in my mind. For making my daddy such an amazing man. And for being you. I will always love you. I always did- even when miles separated us - heaven will be our meeting place. Ill see you again one day. Kiss everyone for me. 

And, (my family will get this), I am not fat as a toad. I love you papaw. Heart and Soul. 

• Revelation 21:4 “He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.”
  

A New Place. A New Time.

So, I have been off the radar for awhile. Been kinda busy. I moved almost 900 miles. Started a new job. Got three kids enrolled in school. Got them adjusted. Got me adjusted.  Unpacked a million boxes. 

In all of this - I realized I have hoarding tendencies. Now, to an extent I am kidding. But wow. I had a lot of junk. Stuff. Things. And while we were waiting for our pod to be delivered - I realized that there are just a few "things" that I really need. Here they are - in order. 

1. Clothes 

2. Flat iron 

3. Makeup

4. Internet 

5. Phone

6. My bed. Oh how I love my bed. Air mattresses stink. I hate them. (And here is just my opinion- but if you are gonna sleep on an air mattress, get one for you and your spouse. There is no point of doing the roller coaster of sleeping in an air mattress. It's worth the extra twenty bucks.)

I mean, I like the amenities of a microwave. A grill. Cable. But the above are things I need. Oops. Adds coffee pot to that. 

But here is something that I got when I moved, that made all that other stuff seem trivial. I got family when I moved here. When my son had a fever- I called my Jolie, to see what juice he wanted. When I need my bed upstairs - Curtiss moved it. 

And tonight, I am laying here with a heavy heart because I want to be there for my daddy and mommy.  Hug them and help them. I know my sister is there - and that beings me comfort. But I worry for them.  I miss my parents. And it seems that has been a constant theme for 15 years. 

But, I also learned this. I have a ton of family in Fredericksburg. And I love them and miss them too.  But - how awesome it will be when I see them again. Just like when I visit my parents. 

I know these thoughts are all random - but it links in my mind. To often, we love new things passionately. When really, if we lived and loved passionately- we would be much more fulfilled and have many fewer regrets. 

There are things I think of even now, that I wish I had said to Shaun. And I never did. I never thanked him for many things. I never told him how I felt about some things. Why? I have no idea. I used to beat myself up over it. I can't do that anymore. But I can change it from this point forward. And that's what I have been trying to do. And what I will continue to strive for. Sometimes I fail, but that just creates an opportunity for improvement, right?

So say what you need to say. Love and hug passionately. Live to the fullest. And cherish every moment. Xoxoxoxox.  Goodnight. 

Good things are brewing...

Just thought I would give you an update.  Good things are brewing in my life.  And I just want to say - It is amazing - If you trust God, lean on him - how he can turn a tragedy into a work of art.   There is not a day that goes by, that I don't think about Shaun.  But now, I can smile.   And I can smile at where my life is now.  I can appreciate just how important every minute is.  And for that I am grateful.  I  am working on a new site... A new project... A new calling, if you will.  So continue to pray for me - and that I can do God's desire for my life - and do it in an amazing way.  I have to say - I can't wait for what he has in store for me.

It's been awhile....And for that I am thankful.

It's been awhile since I posted.... and to be honest - I just haven't had a whole lot to say.  And I am not gonna lie....The song by Staind is where this title came from.  It has been awhile - for a whole lot of things.

By purusing blogs like I do, I have learned a lot.  One is a statistic - and being of the scientific background that I am, I love statistics.  But being a widow at the age of 33 occurs in less than 1% of the population.  Go figure.  I am one to defy all odds.

In the timeframe that he's been gone I have done a whole lot.  I have dwelled upon his death.  I tried to understand it.  I have written extensively about him - just to try to understand.  I have had hours of counseling.  I've renewed my spirit through friendships.  I found someone that I adore and love.  I have grieved in ways I didn't even know that were possible.

Dr. Phil said it takes a defining moment  to make a profound change to occur once you reach adulthood.  Shaun's death was that event.  And I am forever changed.  But I have to say this, and I don't want it to come across crass, but it's true.  I am a better person for it.  I am thankful, appreciative, calmer.  I don't anger as easy.  I make sure that my loved ones know they are loved.  I hug a little longer, kiss more, and try to listen with an open mind.  I cherish life a lot more, and worry a lot less. No one will live on this earth without loss - It's just how you cope with it.

I am not the same Kristie I was before Shaun died.  But, I do believe that I am done with grieving.  I will now cherish the memories with a smile.  Sure, there will be times I cry.  But I want to make those tears of happiness.  Gratefulness.  Because he touched my life in ways that will never go away.  We have a beautiful child , and that alone, is something that I cannot ever thank him enough for.  Although he makes me nuts sometimes, he is one amazing kid.

When Shaun died, my world crumbled.  The whole world felt alien and hostile.  I had a dream where I was in a house with dark wood paneling, and he couldn't speak.  All he did was hold me with tears in his eyes... It was almost like an apology.  I was haunted by that dream for a long time.  But now, I have a future that makes me smile.  I look forward to the future, and all the possibilities that it brings.  I have rebuilt my life - and it doesn't exclude Shaun, but it puts him in a place of happiness - not one of pain.

Shaun would be happy where I am at.  I haven't died.  My children need me.  I need them.  I need Scott.  Losing him taught me that nothing is definitely safe.  So love and be loved.  I am thankful to experience every sensation that I have.  Love, pain, sadness, annoyance - you name it... It all means that I am alive.

My foundation is strong.  I am strong.

And this all came from reflecting on our son's 3rd Birthday.  So, Happy Birthday Jacoby.  You are the sweetest three year old on this planet.  Daddy is your angel up in heaven... and you are my angel here on earth (along with your brother, sister and Scott).

We have eternity - so let's enjoy today.