Pondering in the Tanning Bed....

So, today I went tanning.  I know it's bad - blah blah - but I like it.  And it makes me smile - because I think I must be Vitamin D deficient.  And I am not drinking milk because it makes me gag.  So, now that that's covered, I was laying there, in total warmth - and thinking about the last time I was there at that salon.  And it was with Shaun.  (He was quite metro, and yes - he tanned.  And I love him for it.)  But, I digress.  And I was laying there - I could vividly remember us going in, taking turns, watching the kids - to get our tan on.  But, I had another memory - so I am telling you about, maybe so I don't forget later on in life.  I remembered Shaun brushing his teeth.  I know it seems weird.  But he would always brush his teeth last, after I was already in bed.  But he would stand in the doorway and brush them.  And it felt like he brushed them a really long time, and he would talk, in a weird voice full of spit.  And I would always clown on him for it - and he would laugh.  And once he would spit - he would show his teeth, lick his lips, and give a "orbits gum" type smile.  And then I realized how much I missed that - and my heart dropped to my stomach a little.
I know he would laugh because that got me sentimental.  But he would hug me, too.  It's such a weird place to be - to be thankful for random memories - when they also break your heart all over again.  It's weird to be so thankful that you were madly in love, still are.  But you heart breaks every time you think about it.  I don't believe that this is the way it's meant to be.  And it's hard trying to get through it.

Promise of a New Day...

Isn't it fantastic, every morning when we wake up that we have a new start.  A fresh beginning.  A way to start all over and new.  And we might carry some things from yesterday into tomorrow - but it is still a new beginning.  I am going to try to quit complaining about having to get up so early and going to bed so late.  Because, everyday is new - and everyday I am still here.  So everyday, I can be thankful.  I miss my Shaun so very much it hurts.  But, I also know - there isn't one thing that I would have changed between us.  We were quite happy.  And I can still be happy - because I was blessed to have him.

Sweet Memories.

Sweet memories are everywhere.  Everywhere in this house - through friends, the computer, the phone - everywhere.  And tonight I am thankful for sweet memories.  Memories that will cause me to never forget. Thankful that Shaun was such a powerful presence, that everyone remembers clearly their moments with him.  I talked to an old friend tonight, who knew Shaun.  And we laughed.  We talked about times past, and they made me smile.  I was so loved.  So dearly cherished by that man.  It's scary walking through this life without him by my side.  But I know that he is always there.  I have his little boy.  And he will carry on the memory of his daddy and make him proud.  I have two sweet kids who adored him.  And those kids will always remember how much they were loved by him.  We will keep his spirit alive.  God blesses us with such complex brains - and so much of them we don't use.  But it's neat, how a song - someone - a smell, whatever - can stimulate a memory that   you thought was long forgotten.

What's black and white and red all over?

Well, there are a lot of answers to this question.  But today, I found a paper.  An essay Shaun had written.  If you don't know, he had a drive to become a  pastor.  Anyway, this is what he was addressing - and it's weird, because my sister and I were discussing this just last night.   So Cassie, Shaun agrees - just so you know.  But, we were talking about churches.  Religion.  Faith.  God's Calling.  Yup, me and Cassie can get pretty deep.  But this is something that I found at my church home, that I don't think is the norm.  Acceptance.  If you believe in God, then you believe he is the creator.  If you believe in God, you believe that he put everything on this planet.  So, in turn, God created every, single solitary person.  And he loves them.  So, that person that you think is trashy, or arrogant, or rude - God loves them just as much as he loves you.  The "tattooed freak with gauges" - God loves them.  And we, as Christians, often are the world's worst at casting judgement.  God made everyone of us unique - and isn't is amazing that he did?  If it wasn't for our uniqueness - wow, our world would be boring.  And is a church service a new country club? (I stole that from Shaun's essay).  But wow it's true.  Why aren't we in the trenches - asking everyone that we know to go.  Sharing.  Letting them know our beliefs.  Letting them know that we aren't perfect, we aren't worthy, but we are saved.  We are human - all of us.  We have all made mistakes - all of us.  And why do people judge the wrapper of a person?  Here is a morbid thought - if the outside is different, what if you burnt you and them both - flesh gone - could you identify who is who?  So here is a quote that I am gonna end this with - and I hope it makes you think as much as it did me.

"The greatest single cause of atheism in the world today is Christians.  Christians who acknowledge Jesus with their lips, and walk out the door in denial by their lifestyle.  That is what an unbelieving world simply finds unbelieveable."

I will make mistakes.  I am not perfect.  But I will be kind, accepting, and a place for people to come for comfort.  I might not can change the world.  But I can sure try, one heart at a time.  And I bet this - they will help me more than I do them.  As Christians, we need to get a backbone.  Stick up for God, Jesus, your co-workers, friends, and strangers.  Black, white, or red.  We are all the same, on the inside. Love you Shaun, you are still making me think.

Back at it.

Okay, so I had little bitty baby blogs the past two days.  But I was quite the busy girl - and I am still a busy girl, but - I got a little more time now.  First, I just want to say thank you for everyone's support and help through the past three months.  Without you - I couldn't have made it.  Not for a second.  And thank you for reading my blog and giving me such positive feedback.  That has also helped me a ton.  But in my life group, we have been talking about honor.  And I want to thank you all - because you have made me feel honored.  I have so many positive people in my life, it's hard not to be positive in return.

I also want to give a bit of advice.  Honor your spouse.  Your husband or wife is the most important person in your world.  They are your life partner.  Shaun always made me feel first in the human realm.  I did my best to make sure he felt like he was first.  The difference that can make in a marriage is undeniable.  Try not to scream.  Screaming is bad.  I am a screamer.  But try not too... you will feel better.  I promise. (As Pastor Daniel says, that was for free.)

And here is another epiphany I had - once again, in my life group.  You know, how in the Bible, it always says to fear God?  I don't think it's meant as the whole hellfire and brimstone that we often associate it with.  But here was my comparison.  And yes, it's related to football - (which my husband would greatly respect.)  When the Ravens played the Steelers - I was nervous.  Afraid.  I wanted to win.  And the reason that I was nervous and afraid, was because I know what a skilled team they are.  I mean, I walk around talking about how they suck - and their fans are dumb - etc.  But fact of the matter is - they are good - and there is a high chance that we could lose against them.  (Stick with me here.)  So here is my thought on fearing God.  I fear him out of honor, love, and adoration.  He is something that I can't compare myself to.  His love is infinite, his grace - well, you know.  And someone that is so perfect is intimidating.  Because no matter what you do, you will never even compare.  And it's awesome.  And I'm thankful.

So, here is where I am at today.  A child saved.  A widow that will get to see the love of her life again - and not only that, spend eternity with him.   God is with me - so nothing of this earth will ever get me down, not for long anyway.  Because I am blessed.  Beyond belief.  Isn't everyone?  You just have to see it.  Love you all.

Hard work does a heart good.

So, I have been busting my butt for the past two days.  And I am so glad I did.  My Raven's room is quite fantastic!  I still have a long ways to go - but I see mega progress.  I am so thankful to you Krissie - for all your help!

Shaun would love this room.  So much.  I will blog a real blog tomorrow - trust - I have a lot to say from this weekend, but for tonight - I am gonna get some sleep.  Love you guys!

Ravens Room

Tonight we are making a Raven's Room !  I am covered in paint, hot and tired.  But - pictures are soon to come.  Got some great friends helping me make this happen!  Love you guys!

Birthdays and Presents....

It has definitely been three months today - not four.  But it all still remains the same.  That being said, I had a relatively good day.  Only cried a handful of times.  And tonight, I went to dinner with my amazing and beautiful friend Jacqueline, and her family, in celebration of her son Ian's birthday.  So, on a day that was kind of dark and sad for me - there was a little rainbow named Ian.  And eight years ago today, an amazing little man was born.  A carefree, witty, talented artist, enthusiastic, caring little boy.  A little boy who has hugged me so sincerely when Shaun died - that kind of hug that only a child can give.  The type of hug, where they are really trying to heal your heart - and take all the pain away.  A little boy, who isn't stifled by the main stream - he marches to beat of a different drummer, and it's the most beautiful song I have ever heard.

So, tonight, I believe that Shaun was looking down celebrating with us.  Thankful for that little boy's hug.  Thankful for the love that him and Isabella share as best buddies.  Thankful for the love and friendship - the siamese relationship of Jacqueline and I.  And I'm sure that he was happy, that once again on a day that I felt sad - this little boy caused me a great deal of joy - and all he had to do was enter the world eight years ago today.  No one knew, the day he was born - myself included - that he would make me smile so much.  I strive to be more like that child.  He's taught me a great deal.  So tonight, I want to say thank you to Ian Covert - because on your birthday - you gave me one spectacular present.  You gave me you.  I love you - just like you are my own.  Happy 8th birthday to one amazing person.  May God Bless you - and all who know you - by giving you many more.

4 months tomorrow..

Tomorrow it will be four months.  I don't know how.  It definitely doesn't seem possible - not even plausible.  That was the worst day of my life.  The reality of how four months ago, right now - I was happy.  My life was perfect.  Almost textbook perfect.  And within hours from this instant - it would be rocked to the core.  I had smiled at people a billion zillion times - but the second I met Shaun, my heart took over and smiled for the first time.  And here's the thing...  the smiles that I make now - are still Shaun. Through his life, and also his death, he taught me what it is to cherish a moment.  Listen, laugh, love, have fun, wear weird shoes - live your dream.  Dance if you want to.  Listen to weird music that everyone makes fun of.  Do headstands.  Love like you can't love any harder.  Make sure everyone knows how much you care about them.  Be the difference in someone's life that day.  Don't be mean.  Not that I am perfect on any of those - but at least now I try, but with Shaun - I didn't have to try.  It came naturally to me.  I wanted to make him feel loved - and wanted to make me feel loved.  And it worked.  It was us.  Always will be.
I've looked through some pictures, and I haven't really posted many on here - but the ones down the side, I can still feel myself in those moments.  That's why they are there.  But, there isn't room for them all - so I am going to share a few - that, well, I haven't.  I hope you see a glimpse of the man that I love and adore - with all of my heart.  And, tonight, I want to thank God for giving him to me for the short time he did.  Because my life is better for it.  God has given me so many gifts - that I don't deserve.  And I am thankful for every single one - and he is the one who has carried me through this - and he still is.

This is one of the text messages I saved... I have almost all of them... but I was willing to share this one... 

:-)

This is when I had my gal bladder removed.  I woke up, and looked over, and there he was sleeping in a chair.  And I knew how much he loved me... and was so thankful he was there.

Less than a month before he died - what he wrote on my Facebook wall.  I know that he never knew then, how much I would cherish those few words forever.

When I saw him a new light for the first time.  This massive man, so in love, and so scared, by such a tiny little person.  I saw a side of him in this moment that I had never seen before.  Might not be the best picture, but I will always cherish it.  I know what it means.

This is the epitome of Shaun.  This is who he was.  Sports, dancing, and a family man.  I remember when I took this, after the song was over - I showed it to him.  And told him what I just wrote.  He leaned over and kissed me and said - "That's right baby... that's all I need.  Heart and Soul... Now, you gonna kiss me back?  I gotta go to the bathroom - Take Jacoby!"

This picture makes me cry.  It's my favorite.  I wish everyone knew what a good daddy he was.  I wish Jacoby knew how much his daddy truly adored him.  

Little Memories...

Tonight I was going through videos on my iPhone, because I filmed one of Jacoby today.  It just stemmed me to start looking at them.  And then I found a couple videos that I had saved that Shaun had sent me.  Shaun is filming the whole time, but you can hear him talking.  One of the videos, is of Jacoby, walking all by himself in Wal-Mart.  It was right when Jacoby first started walking, and so, to us - it was quite a big deal.  At the end - Shaun says into the speaker, "I love you, baby."  Well, I looked at my phone and started straight ugly crying.  Picture it - Kids run in all directions - Tariq runs to hug me - Bellla sprints upstairs to get the Kleenex's, and Jacoby just sits at my feet and holds my big toe. (I don't know why he does that - but he does it every time I cry.  I think it's sweet.  Almost like that is the only part of me that he can completely hold in his little hand - so that's what he does.)  They all ask me the normal, "Are you okay?  I'm so sorry... etc."  But what I told them was this.  It wasn't just that I miss Shaun as to why I was  crying.  Time goes so quickly.  It seems like yesterday, Shaun was here, we were laughing and kissing - talking about Jacoby's future and his first "football themed" party.  What Happened?  I still sit in shock and disbelief most nights.  Nights are the worst.  Nighttime is when you feel completely alone.  Nighttime is when you realize that everyone is either asleep, or snuggled up with their loved ones, getting ready for bed - and you are alone.  Nighttime is hard.  I wonder if I will ever have another good night.

I am blessed, I know.  But sometimes, I still get sad.  Sad for myself - sad for my kids - sad for a lot.  I guess it's been a little bit of a sad night.

I saw the light!

So, tonight, I changed a light fixture.  Changing a light fixture is a two man job.  I truly believe that.  But, I did it by myself.  Now don't get me wrong, Tariq was shining a light, handing me a screwdriver, and running back and forth - he helped a lot.  And I did text a picture of my wires and stuff to a friend of mine, and they told me what to do from there.  But, the physical labor of it all - that was this girl.  And here is another newsflash - if you are doing "Jillian Michaels 30 Day Shred", and you are only on day 2 - your arms hurt.  Might not be the best day to change a light fixture over your head.  I think I must have felt like Moses carrying the ten commandments.  That was a workout.

But I think Shaun would have been proud.  He did that stuff for me.  Well, let's be honest, he did everything for me.  But I learned something about myself tonight, and that stinking light fixture.  First, you can really do anything you set your mind to.  Second, don't be afraid to ask for help - most folks are glad to do so.  Third, don't be afraid to be the helper.  My twelve year old helped me a ton.  If he wasn't there, it would have made my job a lot harder, a lot more climbing up and down, and a lot more frustration.  There is nothing wrong with being "subservient" to someone.   Especially if they appreciate it.  I am going to try to remember that when I am doing what I consider a "menial" task.  I want to do it with heart like Tariq's was.  Eager to help, ready to do whatever I ask, and he did it because he loves me and wanted to help me.  I have one amazing kid..(well, three, but you get what I am saying.)

So tonight, I made a point a to hug him a little harder, tell him how much I love him, and how much it meant to me that he helped.  He looked at me and laughed.  Then he said, "Apparently, you didn't listen to Pastor Daniel's message on Sunday.  You missed a piece."  And sure enough I had.  My pastor made an analogy on Sunday, about when you put furniture together, etc. you need all the pieces.   It's never good if you have some extra laying around.  It was just an end piece and an easy fix.  Then he looked at me - kissed me - and said, "I am so proud of you momma.  I knew you could do it."  I told him that I couldn't have done it without him.  He said, "You could have, it just wouldn't have been as much fun."  And he's right.  And he had fun, just by helping.  I love that kid - I have been blessed.  And boy, I think tonight Shaun is looking down on both of us smiling.

Distracted...

So, I was completely distracted today.  Have you ever had one of those days?  Where you try to focus, and to save your neck - you just can't.  I kept getting lost in my  papers, doing one thing and forgetting why I was doing it.  Completely frustrating.  But I had a zillion thoughts running through my head.  Good thoughts, don't get me wrong, but thoughts nonetheless.  And tonight, I was thinking about what I was gonna blog about - I got distracted.  Go figure.  So I took that as a sign to go for this topic.

What makes us distracted?  ADD does.  I know that one.  But I don't have ADD.  But boy, Shaun did - big time. And you know how he handled his ADD?  Notes.  Notes everywhere.  He had a hindrance, something that he struggled with daily, and he found a way to make it work in his life.  His "disability" turned into one of his best character traits.  He didn't put off much.  If he knew something needed to be done - he did it right then, for fear he would get distracted.  If it was impossible for him to do at the moment - he would send himself an email, write a note, or text it to me - so he could see it later.  He was quite ingenious that way.  Shaun didn't have the "benefit" of being lazy.  Because it was a true fact that if he didn't do it right then, it might not ever cross his mind again.  Or at least not until it was to late.

He also wanted to be involved in everything - that's something I noticed about him.  He knew that if he had an idea, and it was a good one, he wanted to see it played out.  He kept me inline too.  He kept me focused.  To be with a man like that, frankly you have to be or you will go crazy.  But I see myself still doing the things that he used to do.  I guess when they say that you can't catch ADD, you kinda can.  And boy, I am glad I did.  Because I wouldn't want it to be any other way. I love you Shaun.  So much.

A pair of shoes that broke my heart.

I love shoes.  Adore them even - never met a pair I didn't like.  But today, a pair of shoes broke my heart.  Me and my friend Brooke were searching my house high and low for staples for a staple gun.  And we go into the hall closet.  Well, after Shaun died - people brought a lot of paper products, and we just began storing them in that closet.  So, my sewing box is in there, and I thought, "Hmmm... could I have put them in there?"  So I open the closet door.  Start moving all the toilet paper, paper towels, etc. to the garage.  But then, on the floor of the closet, I find Shaun's red and white tennis shoes.  Size 12 boats, that he wore with a red polo and look absolutely gorgeous.  And it almost hit me - he's not going to wear those again.  He's not coming back home.  And I cried and cried.  And, also in that closet - I found the Ravens flag that he bought for our new house.  I'd looked for it - but didn't know where he had put it because we were planning to move.  So, it is now hanging proudly on our front porch.

I can't believe that he is gone.  Still I can't.  This is the first breakdown like this I have had for awhile.  I left the shoes in that exact spot.  I can't bear to move them.  He was so proud when he bought them.  He thought they were his "preppy" tennis shoes... and they were.  He was so absolutely amazing.  So, a pair of shoes broke my heart - but the man who were them gave me a heart full of love that now is capable of breaking.  So, I am thankful to him for that.  But, my goodness, I miss him so much.

Back to Westminster....

I went to Westminster last night, for Nats birthday bash.  And, besides the horrible DC traffic, we had a blast.  The kids had such a great time playing together, hanging out - and I love hanging out with Megan - such a sweet lady.  It was weird when we got into town though.  I have been there a few times.  All with Shaun.  And he pointed out every little spot along the way.  So it was kinda gut wrenching when we got into town.  But, then -  once I got to Megan's - I felt right at home.  Like that was my family.  And, fact of the matter is - they are.  We have become close through a horrible tragedy.  And I wish that wasn't the way we became close - but I am so glad we did.

And I know that Shaun was happy I was there.  Happy that we were all laughing and talking - looking at Natalie's baby pictures and comparing them to Jacoby.  Knowing that there are two halves of Shaun walking around.  And when I looked at Natalie holding Jacoby - It was Shaun.  Those two little halves - made up the whole Shaun to me.  And I felt warm all over.  And proud.  And their little minds don't understand all this.  And I am glad they don't.  They just know that they love each other - and that's fine for me.

Then today, Megan and I took the kids to Cranberry Mall.  We walked around the Ravens store - and some sports store with a really weird name.  Getting some great Christmas present ideas for the kiddies.  And Megan and I laughed and talked - and I felt like I have known her forever.  It's weird how you can connect with someone in such a sad time.  But, we have.  And she's a blast.  Her husband is great - I just love them.  So my trip was a fantastic success.  I had a blast.  I am exhausted, but happy.  So thanks for the thoughts and prayers - they all worked!  God is good to me. :-)

On the road again...

Tonight I am going to see Natalie - Shaun's daughter.  I am so excited to share her birthday party with her.  Pray that we have a safe trip, and a great time!  Love you guys!

Make up and Mod Cuts...

So I am sitting in Ulta waiting to get my hair did. Yes. I said did. But here is the most amazing thing. One of the women here remembered Shaun. She remembered him from when he brought sweet Bella here for a haircut. And I get the question, "How's your husband- he just loves you so much- I feel like I know you from all he talked about you. We haven't seen him for a long time... You tell him to come back in here!"  And I had to tell her he died. I felt so sorry for her. She sat down in shock. I hugged her, and I felt so sad. She hadn't known. You could tell that she felt horrible for asking. But when she asked about him, she gave me the biggest gift ever. She, a stranger to me, told me how much my husband loved me. Because he told her. He told her such sweet stories about me. Things I didn't even think he noticed. And now I know he did. So maybe, today when I got a hair up my hiny to redo my do',  it was for this. Because I got another affirmation that what Shaun and I have is special. And death can't change that. He took my heart, well, I  gave it to him. And he always gets to keep it. I love you baby. Heart and Soul. 

I'm not okay....

So, there are times when I laugh.  Loudly.  And dance.  On June 23, 2011 - I felt like I would never laugh again.  There are still moments where I don't feel like I will - but then - shockingly, I do.  No matter what I am doing, what I am saying, what I am thinking - the loss I suffered is always with me.  I look at my arm and there he is.  I could never love another  human the way I loved that man.  So, my answer to the question, "Are you okay?"  Is no.  No, I am not okay.  I have learned to find pleasure in the simple things.  Live each minute to the fullest.  Try hard not to get annoyed - it will all pass, and will seem silly later.  I will try things I never thought I would.  I will laugh.  I am determined to laugh and smile more than I cry each day.

But I know that the hole left by Shaun will never be filled.  Not ever.  And I don't want it to be.  I want that ache, that pain.  Because for one, it makes me know that I am still here.  Second, I know how precious our time was - albeit way too short.  I am different now than I was 6 months ago.  I will find joy in everything that I possibly can - people, music, life, friends, family, the list goes on.  Because that's just it.  That's all that there is to our short time here.  I will praise God for all he has done for me, and long for the day that I get to be with him and Shaun.  But, while God wants me here  - I will do what he wants.  And I will be happy.  But just because I am happy, I still have a lot of pain.  I miss him.  He was my best friend, my everything.  So once again, I'm not okay, but I am surviving.

Angels if many shapes and sizes..

I am so needy.  Freakishly needy.  It's a fault - and I know it.  But, God provides.  Angels seem to show up in many different shapes and sizes, and all throughout your day - even your life.  And what I am referencing here is the angels here on earth.  People with whom you cross paths everyday, and might not think about them that way.  But tonight, that's what I was thinking about.  Because, I have an amazing angel up in heaven - I know he's there.  He's big, beautiful, and bald.  (My 3 B's!)  And he is looking down on me and helping me have the strength to do what I need to.  I remember his love while he was here on earth - and I will remember it until I die.  But through the grace of God - I will get to experience it for eternity.
So, I am going to talk about a few angels in my life today.  People who act ordinary, but do things that help your day go on - and you smile.  And, I am going to name them by name - well, the ones I can.. Just for dramatic purposes... (I wish I could insert a really cool movie clip right here... so hum one in your head so you can get where I am going with this in mine.... hee  hee).
1.  The WaWa Coffee lady - I love coffee... she makes it everyday - and she says, "Good morning honey - off to work?"  Every single day.  Same thing.  And I love the monotony of it.  It gets me where I am going, with a smile on my face.
2.  Lori --  smiling at me everyday I come in - and telling me something funny every morning.  This girl is one interesting lady.
3.  IT people - my computer acts nuts - dude fixed it.  He might not have been thrilled about it, but nonetheless, he fixed it.  So on with my day.
4.  Tanya - if you knew this lady - well, enough said.  She keeps in stitches all day.  She is quite funny.  A firecracker that one.
5.  Kerry - she has a fake phone voice when on the phone - and it cracks me up.  And I laugh at her for it and she then cracks up.  She is also feisty.  You wouldn't know it to look at her... but she is.  And has such a sweet heart.  Deep down.
6.  Mike - who I throw paper wads at.  He let's me.  So - well, that's good enough for me.
7. Check out girl at lunch - she always tells me "$1000" when she rings me up.  I'm glad it's not really$1000.00 - or I'd be starving!
8. Bill D. - manager of a body shop.  I've been working with him.  I messed up and he helped me fix it.  And it's not the first time.  And he's never mad about it.  And he's funny.  (There is a pattern here with the funny thing...)
9. Dan - One of my supervisors.  Brilliant.  Can tell him anything. Never gets mad.  He will do anything to help, and give you a route to do it with if he can't himself.  What anyone in management should do.
10. Lenora - she loves my babies while I am working.  She loves them so much.  And I love her for that.  Nothing better than know that they are safe and loved.
11. Krissie,  Jacqueline, and lady Belcastros - my others.  Part of me.  Were there through everything and still are 100%.  I can be me with them - all times - no matter what.
12. Kellie - she let me vent.  I needed it.
13. Jenn-she lifted my heart when I was trying to lift hers.
14. My kids - always here.  Loving me always.  Just like Shaun did.

And that's just my list from today.  And I probably left a few out.  But how blessed to have people in your life that makes you smile, makes your life easier and happier. I am grateful.  I am grateful that I see it now.  And I want everyone of these folks to know, that I am a better person for knowing you.  And who knows... I might get to meet a few more "earthly angels" tomorrow.  Thanks guys.  Thanks for a good day.  And thank you God, for blessing me so much!

Promise of a New Day....

Every night when we go to sleep - we have the promise of a new day.  It's a promise - not a guarantee.  We  know that the sun will rise, the earth will rotate,  somewhere it will rain, somewhere the sun will shine.  But we don't know, what the new day will bring.  I have had numerous - too many to count - that I would change.  I would change the way things went from the second I wake up, to the second that I go to bed.  There's days where I wouldn't change a thing.  There are days where I wish I could just hit the delete button - rewrite that day - and insert a new ending.  But, what we can control is what we decide to do with our new day, if we are blessed enough to see it show up.

Too many people have passed away, had serious illnesses, or have had serious struggles lately.  People that I know personally.  But today, a lot has popped up in my path.  I have asked a lot of questions.  Have tried to project what Shaun would advise me to do.  And, it's a good thought process to have.  I am thankful I trusted him enough to want to take his advice.  Anyway, I digress.  So, here is what I have came up with - ready for this?  Live today like you could die any second, but plan like you are going to live forever.  To sum it up - Don't be overly cautious and not live today to the fullest.  But don't be so exuberant in your life - that you miss great possibilities for your future...  Once again - Live the Dream.

It's a beautiful day!!!!!

Don't let it slip away!  I have had that U2 song in my head all day.  And why,  you ask?(You might not have - but in my head you did)  Well here's why.  Because it is.  It was gorgeous outside.  I got to hear a fabulous sermon at church.  I had a fantastic lunch.  The Ravens stomped Pittsburg.  I went to my new Lifegroup at Church for the "Living the Dream" series.  And then I got to hang out with a couple friends and my fantastic kids this afternoon.  What could be better?  Not a whole lot.

I cried when the Raven's scored their first and second touchdown. I knew that Shaun would be so excited.  Jumping - Screaming - talking about how he "knew that's how it would go down.." And so on and so forth.  And I was fantastically proud of those guys today.  I wanted the Ravens to win so bad.  And I felt like Shaun was screaming and cheering them to a victory.  That win was for Shaun.  In my heart of hearts I feel it.

Then I got to go to my life group.  And well, a lot was said - a lot was discussed, and I have a lot to think about.  But I know this.  I have a room of people there, that I can say anything too.  And I know they have my back and are there to support me.  For that I am thankful - and I will be there for them.  Because God didn't make us to do small stuff.  He made us for greatness.  So, greatness is what I want to excel to.  I have a lot of things to think about, pray about, and consider.  But I know I have people to help.  I am not in this alone.  I'm not.  And I know that by making the right decisions, I will be making the right decisions for my kids.  So pray for me.  I said before in a previous post, that something was a brewin'.  Now I know it is for sure.  So, some may say I am a dreamer.  They are right.  But - I am going to Live the Dream, whether it's comfortable or not.

I wonder what would have happened....

You ever sit back and wonder what would have happened if you changed once instant in your life?  I thought about that today.  What would have happened if I hadn't dressed up the night I went to UNOs?  Would Shaun and I have even talked?  What would have happened if I hadn't joined the Air Force? Would I have Tariq and Bella?  What would have happened if I went 95 home today, instead of Route 1?  Would I have just gotten home quicker?  I don't know.  I think it's interesting to think about all the little decisions we make everyday - and don't think about how they might affect us in the future.  I know I don't.  Or didn't.

I am thankful for the decisions I made. Some could have probably been better, but nonetheless, they got me where I am today.  I can't say enough times, how thankful I am to have been completely and madly in love - and to have had that love returned.  I feel complete.  I will always have that, and no one can ever take that from me.  I also can't say enough, how thankful I am that I know where Shaun is - I can't imagine the pain of people who don't know.  Although I hurt, a lot, I had that.  I have that, I guess I should say.  I have every moment, every kiss, every instant.  And it all started from those tiny little insignificant moments.

So, try.  Throughout this week, try to be thankful for lines in the grocery store.  Traffic.  Problems at work. Because, it could just be that.  But, It also could be so much more than you ever imagined.

Happy Birthday to Me....

So, It's my birthday.  All day long.  And to be honest - I have had a relatively good day...  And I really didn't think I would.  The sun came out today - and I hadn't seen that for quite some time.  And it made me smile... I felt like it was Shaun smiling down on me saying, "I love you.. and Happy Birthday."  I have great friends.  Great family.  And I am completely blessed.  I have known love like few have.  And God has blessed me with another year of life.  Completely.  I don't know what this coming year holds.  But I will embrace every single minute.  I will make sure that I live with no regrets.  And I will smile - because I am blessed.  And I will smile, because I am loved.  So tonight's post is short.  It's a thank you.  Thank you God for saving me.  Thank you family for being there.  Thank you friends for being there - even when you didn't have to be.

Happiness in a bundle of pink and fabulous shoes....

So, a really wise friend of mine tonight, told me - "I wish you could be happy - I bet you hadn't thought of that."  And we laughed.  Obviously, what was I thinking!?  I mean, I would feel better if I was happy, right?  Of Course!  But I know where their heart was, and I love them for that.  But here is the thing.  I am sad.  I guess part of me always will be.  But tonight, I will go bed to happy no matter what.  Mainly, because I have so much to be thankful for.  So tonight I am going to list my blessings....  maybe you can find a few, too.

1.  My husband is a Christian.  I get to spend eternity with him
2.  I have 3 gorgeous, smart, and healthy children.
3.  I have a roof over my head, and food in my pantry.
4.  I am typing on a computer.  How many people in this world would love to have running water, no less - a computer?!?
5.  I have running water. (That was an afterthought to the previous.)
6.  I have a friend, who knows me so well, that she brought me the most fantastic pair of shoes to my work today - because she was so excited to give them to me.  And they are fantastic.  And I love them.
7.  My friends from work, surprised me with a  birthday lunch, and bought me flowers. Not just any flowers... Pink ones. They also got me a hilarious card, about shoes, (refer to previous point.).
8.  I own numerous pairs of fabulous shoes.
9.  I am able to read and write.  I am thankful for that.  So many can't.
10.I have a car that gets me to and from work.
11.I have a job.
12.I have crackle nail polish and tattoos.  I like them all.
13.I have friends I can call anytime day or night - and they will be here.  Not many people have that.
14.My kids love me.  A lot.
15. My church is fabulous.  They gave me my number one.

These are in no particular order, well - with the exception of number one.  And that's just a few.  I have many more.  So tonight, I will go to bed with a smile.  Because I am blessed.  Have I experienced excruciating heartbreak?  Yes.  Have I been loved in an unimaginable way? Yes.  I know I will cry tomorrow.  I know I will be sad.  But, I also know, I am fortunate.
So, I'm lucky.  Blessed. And Hopeful.  C'mon 34... It's gonna be a good year.  I am going to make it that way... Cause with a list like that - it should be pretty easy.

And Shaun, If you can read blogs up in heaven - you helped me achieve all of those... but most important is my Number one.  I can't wait to see you baby.  I love you so much.  So very much.

Fly, Raven, Fly...

So, just to start this off... It's probably obvious that I have done quite a bit of thinking this week.  This goes hand in hand with quite a bit of crying.  I can't seem to do one, without the other following suit.  But,  one thing that I keep thinking about is how drastically my life has changed.  I see people walking around - doing their normal.. and I am envious.  I remember June 23rd like a horrible nightmare.  I feel that moment of panic - and remember how it turned into intense pain.  Pain like I have never known.  I cried until my voice no longer sounded like myself.  (I have a Tennessee accent - my friends told me that I completely lost it in that time frame.) I felt like my world came crashing down... And then a few days later, I am left to sift through the ruins of what was once my life.  But I am still living.  And I didn't, and sometimes still don't, know how to do just that.  I know it seems simple, breathe in and out.  Never thought that would be such a difficult task.

But for those of you who knew Shaun, he was die hard ravens fan.  Committed to the core.  Got a tattoo of them.  But the way he loved them - was intense.  He "WAS" a raven.  And he is my raven.  But I did a little research about the ravens, cause I am a research kind of girl.  And here is what PBS told me...
"Long recognized as one of the most intelligent birds, the raven also has a less than savory image throughout history as a scavenger that does not discriminate between humans and animals.  Ingenious and versatile, ravens are members of the crow family, which includes jays and magpies. They are found everywhere in the northern hemisphere and adapt to very different terrain, from deserts to mountains — a feat requiring high intelligence." 
That's the main idea.. but then I realize how true a raven Shaun was.  He was brilliant.  And he made people nervous sometimes.  He was big, tall, tattooed, and had a deep voice.  He was bald and fierce looking - and beautiful.  He could adapt anywhere he went.  He was open-minded.  And would figure out how to make the best of any dire situation.  And although I know that he would be broken hearted in this situation, he would fly.  Because that's who he was.


So, I have to do the same.  I have to cling to the idea of what would he do in this situation.  He would stay focused on God, the kids, and whatever it was the he needed to do to make sure they were okay.  He would be on  his knees begging God for answers - and clinging to everyone that he got.  And I am going to let  him lead now.  Just like he always did.  I am going to do exactly what he would do.  I am going to do what he would tell me to do.  And he would cry, and would be sad, and would struggle.  But he would be okay in the end. 


So here is my prayer. God please help me - help me fly like he would - I am waiting to be rescued from this pain and grief - I cling to your promises - Help ease my pain - and help me see that my Raven is flying - and still protecting and guarding my heart.    


So, Shaun, Fly - my Raven - Fly.... And one day I will get to fly alongside you... but maybe I will be an Eagle... (That part is kinda funny if you know us - He was a Baltimore Ravens Fan - I am a Philadelphia Eagles fan...).

The ride of my life...

Today I had the weirdest, strangest memory.  It's not that he memory was weird or strange, I guess.  But it was sudden.  I was just sitting there... thinking about my work that I was doing... and then BOOM!  It was a snippet of a memory like playing in my eyes.  Nothing even really important.  Shaun and I loved to ride the "Flying Eagles" at Kings Dominion.  We called it "our" ride.  Cause, first and foremost - that is a thrill ride to me, because I am a big chicken.  He loved it when I got all scared and nervous and hid my face in his arm, but I loved it.  My memory was this - I saw it from my own point of view.  Like out of my own eyes.  And I was grabbing his arm, and he was swinging the eagle.  And we were both laughing.  I could see the trees whiz by.  And when I remembered, I wasn't thinking about Kings Dominion, I wasn't thinking about anything really - kinda in a robotic work moment.  It was weird.  And of course, the tears start falling.  Because I want that.  I want that back.

I have so much going on in my head right now, it's hard to decipher what is and isn't important to tell... So if I seem jumbled up - it's well, because I am.  But one thing that I thought about today was this.  I was trying to envision what heaven is like for him.  And I call I can envision is what it will be for me.  In this moment, my idea of heaven is this - Shaun leaning down to kiss me.  Feeling the weight of him in bed beside me.  Hearing his "Bert and Ernie" laugh echoing through my ears.  Feeling his big hand grabbing mine before grace - and then him catching me and me catching him looking with one eye at the kids.  Hearing him tell me to "Relax..." and then tapping his leg for me to come and sit beside him to snuggle.  I can't wait to see him reunited with our son.  I can't wait to see his face light up with recognition when he sees me.   I know that heaven is a lot more than that.  But right now, that's all that I can even imagine.  I picture him scooping me up when I get there, and running, while kissing me the whole time, to go meet God.  Seeing the joy and excitement on his face, that he gets to share this with me.  I know then, I will no longer taste the taste of my tears and makeup mixed up from running down my face.  I will be able to see clearly again.  And I feel like everything that I see now, no matter how wonderful, there is a big cloud of sorrow hanging around it.    I can't wait to see with my own eyes, that everything is okay.  I know that day is coming, I guess I am just going to have to wait.

Searching - But I know what I am searching for....

I have been searching for so many things.  So many questions - not a lot of answers.  And I am searching constantly.  Praying constantly.  I talk to Shaun often.  I sit around, I look around, and just talk to him.  I ask questions.  But I am not praying to Shaun, I don't want to get that confused at all.  But, he was such a huge part of my life.  The person I could tell anything to - at anytime - and he would listen.  How can I not do that anymore?  I am well aware that he isn't here, that he isn't going to answer back.  But I can't help it.  And I need to figure things out.  I keep trying, and I hope one day I do - at least somewhat.  But I am not searching for Shaun, I am seeking a closer relationship with God.  It's something Shaun had.  And I want that, too.

Shaun's death is what got me on the journey, but he was already on the road.  And yes, I feel like I will know Shaun on a different level, if I get my walk with God right.  And if I seek him the way Shaun did.  But I am almost envious (Much more thankful), but I wish that Shaun could see that he got me the way he did.  The things he did and said make so much sense to me now.  But how is it, that I can still feel him?  I can sit on the couch, shut my eyes, and I remember what holding his hand felt like.  I can remember how it felt when his hand was on my back and he pulled me in to kiss him.  I can still feel the feeling of his pulse in his neck, when I laid on his chest, snuggled up to go to sleep.  How is all that so real and vivid?  I don't understand it - but I never want it to go.  Not ever.  I am so blessed.  So thankful for those sweet memories.  So thankful to have been loved like that once in my life.

I feel like I am walking down a dirt road, and it's all weavy and confusing.  And there is another one beside it - I am not on that one - but it's there.  And I feel like the one I am on, that one is my path to God, the one beside it - Shaun.  I just hope through all this - the one in front of me straightens  out, and becomes paved.  And maybe, just maybe, I will see the one beside it paved, also.  So pray for me.  I'm trying to figure all this out.

Glitterbugs and Fluffy Clouds....

It's amazing how and when God can speak to you if you open your eyes and ears.  How many different ways he can answer a prayer.  But what do you do when you know that there is something more?  Something more that  you are supposed to do.  Where you really feel like, in your gut, that there is something that he is telling to you do - but you have no earthly idea what it is.  That's where I am at right now.  And don't get it twisted, I have no problem doing it, I just wish he would send me a text or a Facebook message.  I think that would be much easier for me.  But maybe that's just it.  We want it to be easy, but he wants us to desire and seek his will.

So my question to myself tonight, is "What's Next?"  I don't know.  But I know it's got to be something awesome.  I just hope that I figure it out soon.  I am instant gratification kind of girl.  I like to see progress to a goal quickly.  I like to start and complete tasks quickly.  I just don't get it.  But I am going to try - so hard I am going to try.  But I know that Shaun is beside me and pushing me - I know that.  I almost feel like he is yelling at me in everyway he can - saying, "Keep Going, Boo.  You got this.  You know I'm here rooting you on... Make me proud - You already are - But you have  only started."  Quite specific, right?  I know - weird.  But that's what I am getting.  So- I'm on a journey.  I feel like I have packed a bag and started walking, and I don't know where the destination is.  I just hope I am aware when I arrive.  Keep me in your prayers - lots going on in this head of mine tonight.  And if you are wondering about the title?  I know it's weird - but, that's what got me thinking about all this.  So it seemed fitting.

Oh be careful little ears what you hear....

I get the line of that song, I honestly do.  But I am going to defy that in this blog.  And the reason I say that, is because, well, it sounded catchy.  But here's where I am going.  Listening is a powerful tool that we all have within our grasp.  We can help people profusely if we just listen.  But listening occurs with a lot more than just our ears - it happens with our hearts.  I was completely blessed by a friend of mine tonight.  And this is what she said to me.  "You listened to me.  Through all of this - you listened TO ME.  Not just with your ears, but you listened with your heart."  Well, it was easy to do.  Because she always has listened to me completely, intently, and purposefully.  So, when someone does that, I guess in a way you reciprocate automatically.

But Shaun taught me how to do that.  When I talked to him, about anything, important or not - he listened intently.  Those piercing blue eyes would bore a hole in my head - and he made it known I had his undivided attention.  I knew that what I said was important to him - and he wanted to know.  I know that he completely knew my heart.  He knew my deepest thoughts - and that he was thankful that he was part of them.  He taught me how to listen in return.  There is a lot that can't be said in words.  But a lot that can be understood if you listen.  I understand what he was doing now.  He was getting in touch with my heart.  Learning the feelings of my heart.  And he knew them in and out.  And he taught me to do the same thing. And even though he isn't here right now, for me to talk to, I can listen to others.  And take care of needs they have just by listening.  God has given us a precious gift with our ears - we can learn so much.  I am thankful that I had the privilege of listening to Shaun.  And know what an amazing heart he has.  And he will always hold mine.

A horrible and sad reminder.

Today I got some very sad news.  Danny Gatlin, a man that I was in AD Basic class with, passed away last night.  He was a young guy - no older than 40.  This shocked me again.  I talked to Danny two weeks ago.  I talked to him for quite a while.  He asked me about Shaun's death - he was shocked to hear the news of his passing.  He was in DC for Advanced tech training with work.  He asked me if I wanted to go to dinner.  (I couldn't due to the brood of children - just too much), but we did have quite a conversation.

The conversation was a really deep one.  I had never talked to this man like that.  It was a conversation about God, your heart, true love, etc.  But two weeks ago, Danny said to me when he got off the phone - "I guess you need to make sure that you are ready to go at anytime.  You really just don't ever know."  I reiterated that to him - absolutely.  Did I ever in a million years think he would die?  No.  I really didn't.  I mean, we can all say - "You can be gone in an instant...."  and we know it, obviously.  But, here's my question, do we believe in our heart of hearts that it's something that could happen to us?  In my take on it - you got like a 50/50 shot everyday.  But if I really thought that everyone had a chance to be gone is an instant, why would I act shocked when I found out?  So, I guess this is what I am saying - Once again I see it.  Pray - get your heart right with God.  It seems like I see the instants all the time.....

A day late, and a dollar short.

It's been ten weeks since my husband left this earth.  It doesn't seem possible that it has been that long.  I know, to some people it seems like "Wow, that's not long at all."  And I get that. But it still feels like just yesterday that he was here with me.  It doesn't seem possible that in those ten weeks, Jacoby has expanded his vocabulary.  I moved my job back to Fredericksburg.  I started a blog.  Football strike ended and preseason is already almost over.  There were earthquakes and a hurricane.  Name it - it's been a lot.  But anyway, here I am - ten whole weeks later.

Do I have regrets?  At first I said no.  I mean we were completely happy and in love.  He told me how much he loved me that night before bed. He kissed me.  He told me his plans for the following day.  Today - I have regrets.  I wish I had kissed him longer.  Made him come to bed that minute, so I had another night of laying in his arms.  I wish I had told him a million times more how much I loved and needed him.  How important and special he was.  I wish I could have given him everything he ever wanted in life.  Everything.  But now I can't. I wish I hadn't went to AD training - so I wasn't away from him for that time.  I wish I had spent everyone of those nights with him in his arms.   So I do live with regret.  But I choose from this day forward to try my best and make sure I never feel this way again.

Every minute, every second, is like sand through an hourglass - and once it's slipped away it's gone.  And at some moment in time, all the sand runs out.  I would give anything to be able to turn the hands on the clock backwards.  I wonder if there was some instant where I could have known - changed it - saved him.  I know rationally probably not - but the heart and the brain sometimes don't sync up very well.  But now I have to start over.  And this time - I'm going to make sure that I try consciously to make sure my kids, family, friends, all know how I feel - often.

I'm going to make it up to Shaun.  I am going to change my world.  It's going to happen.  Because that man will always own my heart.  Always.  I'm going to give this life the best of me.  I'm gonna live the way he would want me to - the way I was meant to.  I am going to carry on his passions.  I am going to try and have the same loving heart.

I can't erase what happened.  I can't rewind the clock.  But of all the things I regret the most, I wish I had spent more time with him.  I wish he knew I felt that way now.  I wish I could apologize.  So here it is - I'm sorry stupid stuff got in the way of us just "being".  I'm sorry we didn't have more time.  I'm sorry if there was something I could have done.  I'm just sorry.  And I love you.