Gratitude when Rome is burning... Musings from a Body Shop.

You know, I work in an industry that I never imagined I would be in.  It wasn't part of my plan.  At all.  I didn't go to college for this, I didn't look for a job in this - nor did I have the desire to do it.  But here I sit.  In my beautiful office, at the best body shop I have ever been in - and it makes me want to cry.  I have been so blessed to be afforded the opportunity to be here.  I am doing more than I ever thought possible. And trust me when I tell you this - It has been a very, very, very, very long road to get here.

If you followed this blog at all - you know the whole story.  If not - scroll down - way to much to rehash.  But I felt compelled to write this today - because I personally know a few people who need to hear what I have to say - and if that's the case, then I know that there are a lot more.

When I went for this position, I didn't have a whole lot of support.  It was risky.  But I KNEW - beyond a shadow of a doubt, this is where I was supposed to be.  There were a lot of tears, nervousness, laughter, anxiety, and then that whole emotional roller coaster would start again.  But this place was my home.  My family.  And where I needed to be. I knew it.  I felt it.  And I couldn't imagine being anywhere else.

My bosses are amazing.  Everyday - they tell me thanks.  I know that might not seem like a lot to some people.  But appreciation - acknowledgement - gratitude - is a priceless gift, especially when you have worked in very "thankless" environments.  It will change your work ethic, your drive, and your passion.

I believe the same goes for many facets of our lives.  Gratitude.  Someone that believes in you.  Love.  Isn't that all that we really want as humans?  For me - I think that covers the basics.  And if you have those things, normally - everything else seems to fall into place.  I am not saying that it makes it easy - but, it definitely makes it a much better journey.

I also believe that many managers - try a different aspect.  They believe that belittling, nitpicking, micromanaging - that's they way to produce results.  And granted, it will produce results at first.  Especially if people are afraid of losing their jobs.  But those results will be short lived.  You will burn out your employees.  You will create rifts between coworkers.  And separate your team.  A dictatorship doesn't work.

I would much rather have a slower progress of great returns - which will last.  Teach my employees, train my employees, and build respect, knowledge, and friendship.  It's just like parenting in a way.  Care for your employees like you do your own kids.  If they need help - help them.  Don't enable.  Teach.  Listen.  And times, you are going to have to make tough decisions.  And that might suck.  But we do it (at least I know I do) - as a parent.

You know, to write this blog - I was looking up some facts.  And this spoke volumes to me.  I was researched how long it took for Rome to be built.  And here was the answer that I found a zillion times - "Ancient Rome, it pretty much grew its entire lifespan."  Here is another interesting fact(*ish) - "When Nero set Rome on fire, it was destroyed withing 5 days."  Apply that.  Think about it.

Something that is great - never stops growing.  Never stops learning.  Never stops trying to be better.  But, under the wrong rule - something great can be destroyed quickly.  This is applicable to work and family - at least to me.

So, if you work for a "Nero", only you can determine how that will effect you.  Be the strong one.  Be the one who tries to build yourself - for you.  Because that is your character.  That's who you are.  Don't allow yourself to be burned.  And never let anyone thing you aren't good enough.  Because if I had listened to that.  I wouldn't be where I am at today...

And where I am today..... is amazing.

How my birthday made me realize - I am the luckiest mom on the planet!

I love my kids. 

All three.  Equal. 

Every single day, they amaze me.  Their heart, soul, laugh, faces, well - you name it.  Everyday.  Pure amazement.

But last night - took the cake. 

Let me give you a little backstory.  I hate video games.  Abhor.  They make me mad.  I hate to see kids just completely consumed by them.  But there was a time, about 10 years ago - that I too, had an obsession with a video game.  That game was SUPER MARIO SUNSHINE!

I loved that game. Tariq and I would sit for hours, side by side, playing this game.  Until a very tragic day.  They day, that at seven years old, he deleted my game.  The memory card.  I was about to beat the game.  Months of playing, straight down the tubes.  It was so sad.  I never turned it on again.  That was the last video game I ever played.

Through the past 10 years, I have been asked why I don't like games.  If Tariq is around, I tell them that it's because, "Your memory card could be deleted, and then it's heartbreaking." As I would look at him.  He would always say, "I'M SORRY!", and we'd both laugh.

But last night, I cried.  Again.  Over a video game.  And here's why. 

Tariq led me into his room telling me he had a surprise for my birthday.  He had created an emulation of Super Mario Sunshine on his computer - and had the game back at the spot I was at - when the game was deleted.  I was floored.  Overwhelmed.

The amount of work, the amount of time, the amount of dedication that it took on his part to make sure he knew how special I was to him - overwhelmed me.  That he remembered.  He worked.  And he surprised me.  I just can't even believe it. 

I really am the luckiest mom alive.  The luckiest woman alive.  I have never felt more cherished and loved in my life.  God has blessed me in ways I don't deserve - and I am forever grateful.

Back to School... Back to Organzied Chaos.

Today - my babies all started back to school.  I have a first grader, eighth grader, and wait for it.... A SENIOR IN HIGH SCHOOL!  I didn't know how in the world I would feel this morning.  You know, I see a lot of posts where parents are sad, happy, and some in between.  This being the "last first day of School", for my oldest - I thought I would be emotional.  Sad that my baby is growing up.  But it wasn't that at all.  All I had in my heart this morning was an insurmountable amount of pride.  Not just for him, for all three.

I'll start with him though.  This kid has been through the ringer.  He has went through more in his seventeen years on this planet than most adults.  He has been my son, my friend, my counselor - all the time I have been the same back.  He has taken care of me and his siblings when I was sick.  He took on so many responsibilities when Shaun passed away - and never complained.  He is a kind hearted, intelligent, loving, gorgeous young man.  So this morning - I am so proud that he is a senior.  He has made it.  With grace, gratitude, and love.  I am so proud of him I can't even stand it.  And I am so excited - that he is gonna have an awesome Senior year - and then follow his dreams.

Then there is Bella.  She does not like school.  At all.  And that always makes me anxious for her.  Sending your child somewhere that they don't want to go - I don't care what anyone says - it's hard.  We all know she has to go - but it doesn't make it any easier.  So this morning, as she was putting some icing on her "First Day of School Toaster Strudel"... I asked her if she was dreading it.  Her response, "Well, yeah.  But I am super excited to see my friends."  And she smiled.  A real smile.  Which made me feel great inside.  Because - I know she is gonna be okay.  And it made me feel great, that she can pull out the positive in a situation.  I don't know that in 8th grade - I had that capability.

And then Jacoby.  Just as I typed that, I laughed.  He was so excited!  He loves school.  He loves his teachers.  He loves his friends.  And when I asked him if he was excited, he hugged my legs, and told me he "LOVES ADVENTURES!"  And how awesome, that he is excited and sees school as an adventure.  I am so happy for that little fella, having some great adventures today.

So, I know I say it a lot.  But I am so blessed.  So grateful.  So enamored with my three kids.  My best role, in my life, has been being their mother.  My goal, is to guide them to success and happiness.  Live with love and kindness in their hearts.  So far, they doing an amazing job.  I love you guys so much! Happy 2016-2017 School Year!  (Ignore the sleepy Bella face... LOL!  She is gonna kill me!)

After 5 years, What is Happiness?

I don't have the answer to my own question. 

The only answer I have is "Me".  I'm really happy.  And as I type this, I am crying a little.  So, there ya have it.  You can cry and still be totally happy.  But I am not crying in mourning, per se.  It still breaks my heart for the girl that used to be.  I am not her anymore, though.

Five years ago...
I woke up.  Like everyday.  Walked downstairs - and had no idea that my whole life had changed.
I screamed and cried until I had no voice.
Everything felt like it was crashing down.  I was so scared... and then the pain and anguish hit.  I didn't see an end.  I saw every single "future memories" that would never happen together.  It lasted a really long time.

Now...
I woke up.  Like everyday.  And I smiled. I sang a little gangsta rap/reggae as I got ready.  I am happy. 
I am loved.  I have great friends.  Great family.  And God has healed that broken and seared mess that used to be my heart.  I feel optimistic.  I plan.  I enjoy every breath.  Every single minute.  And I sit back in awe, at the fact that my life is where it is.  And I feel joyful for that.

The people who know me, here in Florida, never met that girl.  That don't define me by the things she went through.  They just know "this me".  And sometimes, I am thankful for that.  But sometimes, I wish they knew her, too.  Just to see how far I've come.  And understand, why I am who I am.

I make it a point to hug people who need it.  Smile.  Laugh.  And enjoy every minute I can.  God has been so faithful to me.  There's a song by Stephen Curtiss Chapman, that says "When you give and when You take away,  even then great is your faithfulness".  I couldn't be a better representation of that.  And I know I don't deserve it, but I am thankful for it. 

I know this journey isn't over.  And it never will be.  But today, I feel like I am cruising at a good speed in a great car - and enjoying the drive. 

I never planned my life to be this hard.  Have these problems.  But I am grateful for who I am now because of them.

Father's Day... Can sometimes be hard....

For those of you who know me well, you know I don't take much stock in "commercial" holidays.  I honestly - don't like them at all.  Valentine's, Mother's Day, Father's Day - actually aren't my thing.  I feel like these holidays are great in a way - they are all about celebrating love, right?  But why do we need particular days to do it?  And it can be days that make you have great expectations, and then a huge feeling of sadness when it doesn't live up to it.  Take Valentine's Day.  How many times have you heard someone say, "Looks like I am going to be alone again this Valentine's Day - #foreveralone."  Well, they were single before - but that day seems to make it a prominent problem when it wasn't before.

And now we are at Father's day.  And scrolling Facebook compelled me to write this.  I have seen so many posts from people who have lost their father's.  Their husband's.  Father's who lost their children. And it breaks my heart.  

Also, it makes my heart smile - to see families taking time out to honor the men in their life.  Celebrate the ones you love, and let them know how much they mean to you.  

And as today goes on, pray for those who are having a tough day today.  That have a feeling of emptiness inside.  Pray for those who have lost something huge.  Because, as one who has lost someone, it stings.  

So today, I want to say if you are hurting, I am praying for you.  I care about your heart.  And I hope you find a peace today.  I would also like to say thank you to all the great dads out there.  Those who step up to be father's when they don't have to be.  Who love children that aren't theirs - like they are.  

I know this post is rambling, and I am sorry for that.  Just a lot of emotion today.  

This is how it ends.... Or at least I thought so for a minute.

I had the flu.

For real.

Like, they stuck a cotton swab in my nose - ran a test - and it came back positive - for the flu.

They gave me Tamiflu.  So I am not kidding.  I seriously, had the flu.

I write this to tell you this.  I have never, ever, ever in the history of my life - been that sick.  I have said before, "I have the flu...".  I will admit publicly - I HAVE NEVER EVER HAD THE FLU UNTIL NOW.  For four days, I had a fever.  I took motrin alternating with tylenol.  My fever never got below 100.5.  It got up to a little above 103.  I was pretty sure I was dying.  And there were moments, when I prayed to fall asleep.  Just so time would pass - and maybe I would wake up and be better.

Yesterday, I called in sick to work for today.  I have not called in sick in over three years to work.  And the last time I called in?  Food Poisoning.  I went to work a week after having a C-Section.  I needed the money and health insurance.  And I don't say this to brag on myself or talk about how tough I am.... But I am tough.  But this weekend, I knew I was beat.  There was no possible way for me to be better in a mere 24 hours to go to work.

I woke up at 2 am.  Soaked.  My bedsheets were dripping.  My clothes.  My fever had broken.  And although it was disgusting - I almost cried.  Because I saw it as a sign that it was almost over.  Am I 100%?  Nope.  80%?  Still probably pushing it.  But, I have showered.  Walked around.  Poured some tea.  Talked to my kids, a little.  And have been upright a lot more than horizontal.  I laughed.  A few times.

And you know what's scary?  Hearing my own laugh kinda shocked me.  But it made me smile.  It's almost like I forgot in those four days - how to be human and myself.  I'm coming back, but wow.

This is why I am writing this.  I rarely pray and thank God for my health.  I pray to keep my family healthy and safe.  But I can't say I have ever had  a grateful heart for just feeling good.  Well, there is a new reminder on my phone.  Be grateful for you health.  I can't even imagine what it's like for people who suffer daily with different illnesses.  So, I am thankful for this flu.  It put a lot in perspective.  And I am coming out of it with a grateful heart.  So, I pray I never get the flu again - but on the bright side - I learned something from it.


 

My heart is bleeding. Please pray. With Fervor.

Today has been a wicked Monday.  Horrible.  Worse than I could ever think.  It all started off okay - kinda of like a regular Monday.  Just like most people, who deal with customers and customer service, the weekend can reek havoc for a Monday.  I was prepped and ready to go.  That goes, until about  one o'clock.

One of my friends, came to me, with a look of absolute horror on his face.  And said, "This day needs to end."  He is one of those people who is always positive.  When I have a bad day  - I get upset - he tells me, "Is this something you really wanna get upset over?"  And sometimes yes, most of the time no.  But for him to look stunned, made a sharp chill go to my core.  I asked him what happened.  And nothing would have prepped me for what he was getting ready to say.

Someone that I used to work with, one of my first friends here in Orlando, was in a tragic car accident on Saturday.  He was hit head-on, with his entire family in the car.  He is in very critical condition.  His wife, is severely injured, but projected to be okay.  He lost his two little girls.  Ages 6 and 8.  I can't even begin to wrap my mind around it.

He is a sweet man.  Soft spoken.  Kind.  Once he left the shop where I met him, I still saw him often around town.  My job has a small circle - and you run into each other.  Less than a month ago, I saw him.  He was telling me how excited he was for an advancement in his new company.  He was smiling from ear to ear.  He asked me about my family.  We laughed and caught up.  I told him we all needed to get together soon.  I never made a plan to do so.  And I hate myself for it.

When Shaun died, the only thing that carried me through - was my kids.  They still needed their momma.  Losing a husband was horrible.  I have selfishly said, when referencing that experience, how horrible it was.  How he was too young.  We never thought.  And we were young.  And it was tragic.  But  nothing on this earth is as tragic as losing a child.  My heart is bleeding for them.

So please, this blog is plea - pray for them.  Constantly.  Pray for Rich, the daddy, he is in really bad shape.  Pray for Amanda, his wife, she just lost her children, is injured, and I am sure petrified for her husband. I wish I could help them.  This is the only way I know how.  I figure a number of people read my blog.  So let's just blanket them in prayer.  I am attaching a link below - so you can pray specifically.  This is all I got to help to right now.

http://www.wtsp.com/story/news/2016/02/07/2-vehicle-crash-leaves-3-children-dead-polk-county/79965558/