A Glimpse of Happiness...

So, I definitely had the best day that I have had since Shaun died.  His testimony was played at church, and it was fantastic.  Josh Lazzar is an amazing creative arts pastor - and I am thankful that God has blessed our church staff such amazing talent.  It's inspiring.  But here is a little bit about my day.  I was surrounded - and I mean surrounded - by my friends and church family at church this morning.  All eager to hear God's word, and see Shaun's testimony.  (Pete, Kelly, Brooke, and Jesse - you guys mean the world to me.)  But also, Natalie, Megan, Jake, and Baby Jake were there.  For those of you who don't know - that's Shaun's 10 year old daughter, her mom, stepdad, and baby brother.  It melted and warmed my heart - that they are all such amazing people - that they drove from Maryland, to stand by me and support me this morning.  We went to Buffalo Wild Wings for lunch - a party of twelve.  We ate, talked, laughed, and told stories about Shaun.  After lunch, Natalie got initiated into the "Tom's" Club (the shoes - www.toms.com if you don't know what I am talking about).  Then we went to Charming Charlie, my favorite store ever, and just walked around and looked at pretty jewelry.  We came home - relaxed - kids played - and sat around and talked.
Today I felt closer to Shaun ever.  I think he was proud of the video.  I know he was happy to see all the support that our friends and family gave me.  I know he his happy that more people when turn their lives to God, and he will get to see them in heaven.  So thank you everyone who made this day possible...I love you all so much.  Praise God for all his blessings - even in this tragedy.

Interstate 81 made me happy today...

Today, my oldest two kids came home from visiting family in Tennessee.  I have never been so happy to see their faces.  And the look different.  I can't tell you how they look different, but someway they did.  We talked about Shaun, Cassie, and everything that happened in the past 6 weeks.  Those poor kids have been through it.  It is so hard to process what all has happened - to make their little minds understand that God is in control.  And so hard to not break down and try to be the strong one - while they are crying in my arms over all the stressful events.  I personally can't even imagine going through what I am as a child.  And that's what they are experiencing right now.  As a momma, you want to make everything better - give the kids a great life - and make it better than yours ever was.  I feel like I am off to a poor start.  But Isabella told me something today out of the blue.  She said, "It makes me so sad that Shaun died - but I am so happy he is happy.  And, I wouldn't change anything - because he loved me a whole lot."  And he couldn't have said it better himself.  He did love her "a whole lot".
As much as I hurt, as sad as I get, I have some awesome kids.  I am so thankful for them.  Thankful for the thumbprint that Shaun left on their hearts.  Thankful that  they knew such an amazing love like they knew from him.  They are going to be better people because of it.  And that makes me love him even more - even though it hurts a lot.

Love/Hate Relationship = Wal-mart

So, I got off work this afternoon, and after I picked up Jacoby - I decided to run to Wal-Mart for a few things. I was walking through the home section, and I had this throbbing rush of pain in my chest. And what I was thinking about was how Shaun always did this - or we did it together. But if we did it together, we normally would do the Wal-mart split. You know what I mean - one gets stuff from one side of the store, the other from the other side - then you meet back up. Saves time. Get's you out of Wal-mart quicker - that makes everyone happy. I felt very lonely and sad. And then I realized I had felt this way before.
Weird, right? I thought so too - and it was kinda a deja' vu moment. Well we all know I haven't been through this before. But it was a deep feeling of sadness and emptiness and I wanted to cry. Then I realized what it was. Wal-mart was the same - home section was the same - cart the same - baby was different. I remembered walking through Wal-mart, when Isabella was little - and feeling the same way. Sad, empty, and lonely. And what I was sad for then, is completely different than what I am now - in a way. My first husband and I weren't getting a long. Not his fault or mine - just a fact of life. And it hurt. It hurt in a physical way. I was afraid for my baby - not having the "normal" life I thought she should. I was sad, because I knew that what I truly wanted - which was passionate love, sickening, in your face, can't get enough of you love - I was never going to have with him. And once again, it just wasn't there - no fault of either, it just wasn't. But I was sad, just the same.
Now here's my point. Is this ten thousand times worse than that. Of course, absolutely, and YES! But up until that point of my life, it was my lowest. I hadn't experienced this - so on my scale of horribleness - it took the cake. But now, my scale has shifted. But that yucky, in your chest ache - were both identical. So, many people discount their feelings when they talk to me and say, " I don't know what you are going through" - and you are 100 percent correct. You don't. But I don't know what you have went through either. And my pain and your pain might be the worst we both ever experienced. So, in a weird way - you do know. You know the pain - just not the situation. So, for everyone who is hurting, don't discount the way you feel - it's real. This verse is for you -
Psalm 34:18 The LORD is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.

Widow Warrior

I talked to my aunt last night. My mom's oldest sister. She is 80 years young. And I have a bond with her that I wish I never had. She also lost her husband at a young age an unexpectedly. And to be honest, I felt like she understood how I was feeling. She let me talk about Shaun, what I miss, how sad I feel at times. And she listened. She told me how she still loves her Jim and always will. And I know she will. And she talked about how she can't wait to get to heaven and run into his arms. I know how she feels. I can't wait for that day either. So, I guess I just wanted to take a second to say I was blessed by her last night. And I am thankful for her. She told me to keep praying and hold on to every memory. And I will. I love you, Aunt Lottie. And thanks for the chat.


- Kristie blogging from her iPhone!

Location:County Road 750,Fredericksburg,United States

Free Ride...

"Don't take a free ride in your own life" - jacked that from Nickelback. But that's what I did for a long time.  But it got me thinking.  I have been through a lot in my 30ish years.  Not as much as some, more than others.  But it's my hand - my life - my situations - so they seem pretty important to me.  Five weeks ago today, I lost the love of my life.  Five weeks ago this moment - I sat comatose in my bedroom with family and friends helplessly looking on wanting to take it all way.  Six weeks ago today, my life seemed perfect.  I was happy, crazy in love, healthy kids, great family, awesome church - all things were great.  And now look.  I just looked at my list  - everything is still the exact same except the word "happy".  I am not happy.  I am frankly quite melancholy.  I feel like Eeyore.  My perspective is different now.  I am still crazy in love - Shaun just can't tell me he loves me too. My kids are still healthy.  My family is great.  My church is amazing.  I just don't have him.
My sister scared me to death yesterday - I really thought I was getting ready to lose her too.  I wanted it to be me.  Not her.  I wanted to take her pain and worry away.  I wanted to help and I couldn't.  I got angry.  I felt like why does this keep happening to me!?!  And that answer I don't know.  But I do know this.  Cassie would want me to keep on - be tough - and pray.  Shaun would want me to keep on - be tough - and take care of Cassie - pray - the kids.  Two of the most important people in my life would say the exact same thing.  It amazes me how God puts people in our lives, who are totally different, but exactly the same.  I don't understand his plan - not at all - not even close.  But I am going to continue to praise him.  Because I know he is in control.  And I need to - and I want to.  Please continue to pray for my sister - I love her so much.  But please continue to pray for me, too.  And well, anyone else who needs it.  Prayers work.  I want to change this world - one person at a time.

Sisters. Connected.

Two of the most horrible days of my life happened 4 weeks and 6 days apart from one another.  I got a phone call this morning that my sister had a small aneurysm at the brain stem.  She is in ICU at the hospital in Tennessee.  How does this really happen?  Who does this happen to?  Me apparently.  My family.  It has been a horrible day.  I don't know how to act - react - anything.  All I can think about is her.  And Shaun.  And how Shaun would have fixed all this if he had been here.
My sister and I are so close.  She is like another me - but short.  We have our own secret language.  We laugh at one another.  She was here for me through Shaun's death.  I have never been so scared as I have been today.  When Shaun died, I found him.  He was already gone.  It wasn't something where the possibility was looming.  I have yelled - cried - and prayed laying in the floor. Please pray for her.  I still know that God is in control - but I had a major setback today. Not as far a God being in control - just as far as me being able to cope.  I just need her to be okay. I went back from taking it day by day to taking it minute by minute. I know a lot of you all have prayed for me incessantly - tonight - please pray for her.  I will make it through - she needs you now - and I need that too.  God is in control, and he can fix this.  I love you Cassie - you are the best little big sister ever - Always and forever - Connected.

Man, I hate onions.

I hate onions.  They make my eyes water and they stink.  Some people that stink smell like onions.  So it comes full circle.  But, I was having a conversation with my sister the other day, and I think I am an onion.  And, how I became an onion is quite stinky.  I feel like I used to be an orange....Shiny and good on the outside, you open it up - and there are a few individual pieces that make up the inside on an orange.  Now, my outside is transparent of my inside, and there are hundreds of different layers that make me now. Some are bigger than others, but there they are.
This whole experience almost feels cruel to me.  Too much for one person to endure.  I have tried to explain it to myself.  Especially, the first couple weeks - I didn't want to talk to anyone, with the exception of a select few, about it.  I was in the middle of an emotional and spiritual crisis.  At a crossroads, if you will.  And I could let this kill me - leave me mostly unchanged but bitter - or change me into the creation that Shaun already was.  Then I thought about what he would want - we all know the answer to that.  But to write it, and actually do it - two totally seperate things.  It's like telling your kid to put their clothes in the hamper, but yours are all over the floor (not that such an atrocious act would ever happen in my house), but same concept.  I am trying to be real here, let it out day by day my thoughts and emotions.  This has really been a journey.
I will never "be over" losing the love of my life.  Never.  To be honest, I never want to be.  But, I do want to do amazing things in memory of him.  I want everyone to have what he gave me.  So where am I at now?  Let me sum it up - 1.  I will never stop mourning - and probably never stop crying - but I have discovered what I have now.  2.  Through Shaun's death - God has given me courage that I never thought I'd possess.  I think he took a little of Shaun's bravery and gave it to me.  I'm not scared to ask anyone to church, tell them my beliefs - and I don't care if they judge me - all the better reason for me to give a long winded explanation... :-)  3. I know that I will get to see Shaun again, I just have to wait to get to heaven to do it.  4. "We" say, Shaun died.  Newsflash (I totally wish I could make this word strobe right now) - my husband didn't die.  Because he was saved.  He is still living.  Just not on earth - he's living in heaven - and loving every minute of it. 

So, to sum it up - I'm alive.  On the planet Earth.  And I will continue to do what I stated above, until the day I leave this earth.  And, because I know what is waiting when I get there - I am ready to go whenever God sees fit. 

I saw the sign... and it opened up my eyes - I saw the sign...

Life is demanding, without understanding....I saw the sign it opened up my eyes - I saw the sign.  No one's gonna drag you up to get into the light where you belong....
Yup, I did.  I just started my blog off with a little bit of Ace of Base... It made me chuckle, so anything I can do to get one of those these days - I am.  But there is a reason I typed it, and it's about my day.  I have prayed and read the Bible more in the past four weeks than I have ever in my life.  And I have prayed for a sign from God - if Shaun was okay - that he was happy.  And today I believe I got one.  And it was booming in my ears.  And here's the weird thing.  Or neat, as my brother in law would say - I could actually hear the blood rushing through my ears when it happened.  I am not going to get into the details as to what it was - if you know me and wanna call and ask - feel free.  It's just way to much to type - and I am honestly scared that if I type it - it will sound crazy - because I don't know the words to describe it.  Anyway, I digress. 
I have felt emotions throughout this ordeal, that there isn't even words invented yet to describe them.  And today was another one of those feelings.  I talked to a friend of mine from church, and I think I gave her every adjective known to man - and they were all short of the feeling I had.  None of them did it justice.  But I know God has the words for them - and he is probably laughing as a type right now.
I want to say this, if I may be so bold - Get your heart in order.  Christ saved my husband - and me - I know that.  And although he allowed this to happen - I almost feel closer to Shaun than ever - and I am understanding the magnitude of God's love.  Let me rephrase that - I am understanding, that I will never be able to understand the magnitude of God's love.  And to be loved on this earth, as I was by Shaun, and to be loved by God like I am - I am one blessed person.  Thanks guys for reading my rants.  I love everyone of you - more than you could know... and to quote Shaun, "Whoever needs this - I love you - God loves you - And I am praying for you."

One month, and one day....

It has been one month and one day.  It has been the worst one month and one day of my life.  Throughout this one month and one day - I have screamed, cried more than what I thought was humanly possible, thought about life, the point of it - and have faced the fear of becoming a single mother to three wonderful kids.  It's scary.  It's surreal.  And I don't know exactly how I am going to do it - but every one keeps saying, "Take one second, one minute, one day at a time."  So that is what I am trying to do.  I think about Shaun every minute.  That hasn't changed at all.  But who I am has changed completely.  I used to want to talk to everyone and anyone - now I feel like I am sorta reclusive.  I don't want to scare anyone with my "widow" story - and trust - I would tell.  I seem to have some form of mouth diarrhea that makes me say it. 
I believe that God has a purpose for me and my kids.  I don't have any idea what it is - or why I must suffer through this to reach his plan - but he does.  And I am waiting anxiously to see what that plan is going to be. I would give anything to be able to do it without this pain.  Just to wake up, this all be a bad dream, and he be beside me.  But - it isn't going to happen.  I am never going to be the same again.  Never.   But how blessed I am to have his memories - and to have his love.  He promised to love me until death do us part.  I just don't think we either one ever thought it would be possible to be this soon.  But he kept his promise - now I have to make him remembered.  Have to.

Torture....

Yep.  That's a good word.  Well, not a good word, per se - but descriptive.  One of Webster's definitions of torture is "to afflict with severe pain of body or mind".  And well, I have both.  It seems all I can do is think about what I am missing.  I have such a hard time - at times - being happy for Shaun.  Because, frankly, I am some what self absorbed and I feel sorry for me.  And, albeit I know he is better off than any of us - I still find it weird to feel joy for someone who has died.  Because I still feel sad for the ones left here on earth.  Is that even normal?  I don't know.
Take Amy Winehouse dying today for example.  I know that probably no one in this world was shocked.  But I find it horribly sad. I cried, pretty hard, when I found out.  Not because I am a die hard Amy Winehouse fan, because it is tragic. I, like probably a good chunk of the population, thought she was somewhat nutty, had a lot of  problems, but boy - that broad could sing.  But today, when I heard she died, all I could think about was the pain that her family was feeling.  How horrible their day was.  How, even though I am sure they worried about her due to her public displays of rebellion - they loved her.  And their hearts are broken.  Are they in shock?  Do they have that same feeling like - this is not real?  She might have been famous, had a ton of money, but that poor girl was miserable.  It was visible just to look at her.  And I really hope that her loved ones find peace in the fact that she is no longer tortured.  Now it is their turn to be.  I don't mean that ugly - I just know that, from personal experience, it feels like torture.  You heart feels physical pain - like heart attack moments.  Maybe even like a weight is inside and pulling it down... and sometimes it feels "burnish".  But then  your brain aches - with all the memories, sweet but painful.
I know that our lives are fleeting.  Time is fleeting.  I know that I will be reunited with Shaun in heaven.  I daydream about what that day will be like.  I mean, will he get memos as important things happen in life?  I cannot wait to jump in those huge arms again and feel that hug.  I wish I could describe to you what hugging him felt like.  Everyone should have that feeling at some point in their lives.  Complete and total love and protection.  I felt protected by him.  He would have taken a bullet for me.  I know that.  It's scary to have to turn into the protector/provider/parent - in an instant.  It's scary to picture him never being on earth again.  It's scary that I don't know how long it will be before I see him in heaven.  But it's wonderful to know that God has blessed me beyond belief, to where he will be waiting there for me.  And I will get my perfect hug again....

The best person I ever knew....

Shaun was the best person that I ever knew...  I am grateful I knew him.  I was blessed to have the honor to call him my husband.  Shaun was always proud of me.  He spoke to me with a non-manipulative heart.  My husband saw something in me, that I never did.  And I have sat for 5 days, wondering what Shaun saw in me that was so spectacular.  And I don't mean that in a self-deprecating way, I really don't.  I just wondered what he saw.  And here is my conclusion - Shaun was capable of looking past me, the yucky, non-perfect, Kristie.  He loved me so much, he was able to see what God could see.  So here is where my blog thought begins, after a lot of thought.
First of all, this might seem weird - maybe morbid, and for that - I go ahead and apologize, but this is what I feel led to write.  I want to talk to you about relationships, and reflect a little.  Your words have the power of life and death in an individual.  My reference point is my marriage, but I really believe it could be your kids, parents, friends, co-workers, well - anyone.  The things that we say and do affect people daily.  Shaun would tell me all the time - you can do it! Why do you question yourself?  What are you afraid of?  You got this!... And that's just to name a few.  He was able to see past my flaws and see my potential.  This man gave me respect and love like I had never known.  I know that there are two people in this world that made me feel amazing.  Shaun and God.  Two totally different ways, but there is a way that it was the same.  Siamese like... if you get my drift.  Shaun treated me with such dignity, care, it showed me God's love through him.  If he hadn't done that - I don't know how I would have ever been able to walk back into work. 
So, try this. Be humble before your loved ones.  Work on your relationships.  Anything worth having requires work.  Did Shaun and I have a perfect relationship?  No.  Not at all.  Was it great?  Yes.  And why?  Because we worked on it.  But he took the brunt of the work.  I hate that now.  But he did.  If you want a promotion, you work hard for it.  You want to get in a great college?  You gotta work hard on it.  There are so many things that we gotta work hard on... shouldn't are realtionships be the most important? 
Breathe life into your spouses.  Your kids.  Look at them and realize that the current memory of you could very well be their last.  How do you want them to remember you?  I am so thankful for mine of Shaun.  I'm thankful for the kids memories of him.  Should anything ever happen to me, I want people to feel positive towards me.  That's something I'm gonna work on.  I am gonna practice what I preach.  I love you guys.  Sorry if this was a rambling, all over the place blog - just a lot in my head.

And I thought I was "clingy"....

Today wasn't as bad as yesterday.  Not good, but I can breathe out my nose.  So, I am gonna consider that a day of progress.  I miss my husband.  We did everything together, and I know I said it before, but he was the "peanut" to my "butter".  I was clingy.  Needy.  And he loved it.  He loved that I loved doing everything with him, and I loved that he loved doing everything with me.  That was one of our definitions of love - immersion.  So, since the day he died, I have been clinging to every memory.  Making sure that I jot down memories as I get them.  Listening to his songs, watching his videos, replaying voicemails - anything so I can remember - and still feel him beside me.  I have prayed.  Listened to sermons.  Read my Bible - Shaun did those things, too.  Trying to learn, to feel the way he did - and realized in the whole process that God was giving me a peace about everything.  Not just Shaun's passing, but decisions in my past, mistakes I made - because I know I am forgiven.  (If you need a definition of this, read the below post, aka - The "f" bomb).
But here we go, here is my epiphany of the day.  I went from being clingy to Shaun, to being clingy to his memories, to being clingy to his lifestyle, to being clingy to God.  Now, I am not saying that there is anything wrong with any of that.  But Shaun and I held onto each other... During all this, where I thought I was being clingy to God  -  He was giving me the desire, he was clinging onto me, so I wouldn't fall.  He loves me more than Shaun and I ever loved each other.  And that, is one amazing feeling - I can't imagine someone loving me more than Shaun.  But God does... and he can cling to me anytime - because without him, I could do nothing.  With him - everything is possible.

The "F" Bomb....

Yep, I said it, the "F" bomb.  Considered it dropped.  Today, I am dropping the "F" bomb all over the place.  But it's probably not the one you thought.  I was listening to a podcast by Steven Furtick today, from Elevation Church.  And he was talking about the "F" Bomb himself.  Forgiveness.  Ouch.  I thought, that's a good one for me to listen to.  It's completely not applicable to me.  And might make me feel good about myself. I forgive people, there is no one that I am upset with. Nope.  Wrong again, Kristie...
Then I figured it out... I listened.  I had been angry with Shaun.  Angry with God.  I know that it's wrong. But I was.  I felt like I got the wrong end of the deal.  And no, I'm not suicidal - but my heart has been yanked out and thrown on the grown and stomped on - and he is in paradise, praising Jesus.  Who got the short end of the stick, there?  And I was acting like a baby where God is concerned.  You know, how when we are little, and we want something, our parents tell us no - for our own good - and we are irate?  That was me.  I was so mad at God.  How dare he take the love of my life, after not being together for what I would deem the correct amount of time.  I am the one who is mistaken. I know if we would have been 100, I would have wanted 5 more minutes.  I know he has a plan.  And it's difficult, and it's hard, and I don't understand - and I am not supposed to.  I HATE HAVING NO CONTROL!  I hate googling, and not getting an answer.  Don't lie - you hate it, too.
But, Shaun had no control of the situation.  I know that.  But it hurts.  And well, I can't explain why I was angry at him - but I was.  I know it's crazy.  But here is what Steven taught me on my podcast...
"Repentance isn’t the necessary prerequisite to forgiveness. Jesus’ blood is. This truth sets you free to rid yourself of the weight of what’s been done to you.  There’s no need to punish yourself by carrying it any further.
Reliving what someone did to you won’t make it better. Hating them won’t make it better either.
The person that’s really being hurt by you withholding your forgiveness isn’t the offender. It’s you. Refusing to forgive someone until they ask for it is like refusing to breathe to prove a point.  It is only going to harm you in the end."  And guess what, I am the one it's harming.  It didn't help, that's for sure.  It made me feel guilty for being angry at such an amazing man - a man that treated me with such dignity and respect.  Forgiveness and acceptance doesn't' start with anger and questioning.   It starts with me - and trusting Jesus - and he already died so I can have eternity with Shaun.  And who can be angry with that?  Without him - we would have only had time on earth.  With him, we have eternity.

How long....

I'm at work again. I always used to cal you at this time. Jacoby would be napping. You would tell me what was in the mail. We would just talk for a few minutes. It's weird being here now. It feels wrong. I feel like I should call you. I have a hard time striking up a conversation, because I start to cry. You were around me all the time. Everywhere. I always talked to everyone about you- just because I was so proud you were mine. An I was yours. You still are. You always will be. I am trying to make you proud.

I wish I could be stronger....

I wish I could be stronger.  More self-assured, more confident.  I see people walking around everyday, and they ooze confidence.  Shaun gave me such an amazing amount of confidence.  That man honestly believed that I could do anything.  He never doubted it.  When I doubted it, he would firmly(yet lovingly-at least most of the time) tell me how ridiculous I was being and why I could do it.  He rationalized it as simple as anything.  It didn't matter what the task was - he was behind me.  Cheering me on, praying for me, sending me notes, messages, anything to boost my confidence.  I had racks and racks of notes at my old position, because he filled my purse, my lunchboxes, my car.  One night, I came home, and there were a ton of notes stuck to the bathroom mirror - telling me how fantastic I was.  Who is that lucky?  That's this girl.  So how do you carry on with that? I accomplished a whole lot in the past year - and it was him behind me.  WE accomplished it.  Because without his love and support, I could have never done it.  I try to think of this as like military basic training.  You get knocked down, to get built up stronger than you ever were before.  But this seems like a low I never could imagine.  I don't know how you get up from this.  I am trying, but I feel like when I get a little bit of dirt to pull myself up - it falls off in my hand and crumbles away.  The book of Jeremiah is an acrostic poem.  I decided to write one - by the way - I am definitely not a poet. :-)

Just yesterday it seems you were here,
Eating, sleeping, and loving beside me.
Sometimes I look to see if you are coming through the door.
Everytime it hurts more when I realize you aren't.
Surely, this can't be true.

How do I go on?
Every second, every minute, or even everyday.
All that I knew, my security was taken from me.
Little did I know how much it meant to have you.

Maybe, tomorrow will be better.
Everyday you will be loved - whether you are on this planet or not.

So, there is my acrostic poem.  I hope you like it - I really do.  I bet Shaun would - or he would laugh and call me weird... Nonetheless, he would love something about it - because he loved something about everything I did - even if he didn't "get" it.

A little crazy...

I'm on the phone with my company's "help desk". I got a guy remotely logged into my computer trying to fix it. Not working so far and we are going on half an hour. Not a big fan. Anyways, I've had time to think. And isn't it funny, how we always want something or someone to "fix" us? (Not referencing a computer-bigger scale folks). I'm sad. I want God to "fix" me. "Fix" my problem. "Fix" the fact Shaun is gone. Somethings can be fixed. Some can't be. But we have to try to help fix ourselves too- or at least have the want to. Every morning we get another 24 on our shot clock. Get through today. I am trying.

It's 745pm and my eyes are on fire...

Not a creative title, but it is factual.  My eyes are burning as if I poured acid in my eyes, at least, I think that's what it would feel like.  I seriously cried for almost 5 hours last night. I don't know why.  I couldn't stop myself from googling sad songs, thinking of Shaun.  I was looking at his picture.  His clothes.  I couldn't sleep. I had a weird dream - like when you are half asleep half aren't - where I thought I was interviewing him.  That could have been hysterical sleep. Because I was the epitome of hysterical.  I had a hard time talking to anyone, I just wanted Shaun to see and feel everything in my heart.  I am sure, that going back to work played a part of all that.
I was nervous for me, Jacoby, the new job, you name it.  You can reference below to see about the job.  And, It isn't bad - I just know it's not what I am meant to do.  But I will do it like a trooper until God shows me what is in store for me.  He might be trying to let me get my hysteria out, before showing me something else to do.  And here's the thing I want to express to everyone.  I hurt beyond any pain I ever thought I could bear.  I didn't think  you could live if you had pain this deep.  I can't sleep.  I can't eat.  I have a hard time getting through the day without using a complete box of tissues.  Commercials where  people kiss, it makes me bitter.  I am jealous.  I had that.  I want it back.  I run through a gammut of emotions throughout the day.  And it makes me feel crazy.
The pain I feel, like a scalding iron through my heart - every time I speak or get ready to text/call him and realize I can't.  But, Because of all these emotions, and as horrible as they are - as unbearable as they seem - I AM NOT DEAD YET.  God, obviously wants me here.  He is also allowing me to feel this way, so maybe I am supposed to.  I have begged, pleaded, and probably will a million times more - just to understand.  But I know I never will.  But God will show me - over time - of that I know.  And I have complete faith in him.  That's the easy part.  I know he is carrying me right now - and I am load to carry I am sure - because if my heart weighs in pounds, like it does in my chest, well Wow.  Good night, guys, pray tomorrow is better than today.

Help me...

I am at work. Everything is just not working. Computers. Phones. You name it. But I know that is to be expected. But the simplicity of this process is maddening. I know God provided me with this job, and I am so grateful to support my kids. But, after the tragic events that have occurred- it seems, well, trivial. Shouldn't I be changing lives? Letting the world know what true hope is. Telling people about my husband, an how fantastic he is! How he had changed. How I miss him immensely, but Jesus allows us to reunite. And albeit, it's so painful now, and times I feel like my heart is literally going to explode in my chest- God is carrying me. Shaun is breathing life into my sails for the kids. He's whispering to me - you can do it. I am going to write more tonight. I have more to say, but just a random thought and rambling.

Cessation or Existence?

Ever go to church and feel like the pastor is preaching directly to your face?  Ok, I know-I know, that only happens to me.  I kid.  Anyway, that was my experience this morning, and I had a lot of thoughts and I thought that I would share a few of them....Imagine that.  ;-)
First of all, I want to say thank you for all the support and encouragement through this time.  It's been/is horrible.  And I have had so many comments, emails, face to face conversations - and so many of you have told me I was strong.  I am not strong.  I promise you that.   When I write, see you at church, Wal-mart, etc. - it might seems as if I am strong because I can force a smile - have an insightful moment - sing praise.  But trust me when I say this, you haven't seen my screaming and crying in the floor of my living room begging God and asking him why.  As I have puked from crying so hard.  As I freak out, when I don't know where something is in my house - because Shaun always took care of that  - and I throw things, break things, knock them over - then crumple in the floor, and start crying all over again.  I have yelled at Shaun, and yes - I know he didn't have a decision in it.  I have yelled at God.
I honestly felt like this.  We went to church.  We prayed.  We tithed.  We loved each other dearly.  We were good people, with a good family, and raising our kids in church.  So why did this happen to us?  To me!? (Because I still feel in a way, Shaun got the easy part of this deal - He's in heaven.  Imagine it.  HEAVEN!)  But show me in the Bible where it says it is gonna be easy.  I mean, really.  Jesus was perfect and died a horrifying death.  But here is thing.  I feel like through this - God love is not protecting - he's not got a big wall around me saying "I'm God.  I'm gonna keep all the bad out."  He is perfecting me.  He is changing me.  Through Shaun's death, he is going to work in me to do something great.  So everytime I feel overhwhelmed, like I can't take it.  I am going to pray that God does something amazing - and more than I could ever imagine.
Shaun got it.  He wanted everyone to know God.  Know his cleansing power and love.  Understand that this is urgent.  You don't have tomorrow - or at least tomorrow is not guaranteed.  I know that I will be with God and Shaun forever, when I pass away.  But guess what.  I AM NOT DEAD YET.  I'm not.  And I could cease to live.  Or I can choose a new existence.  A new calling - and spend the rest of my life trying to reach people far from God.  Shaun wrote this on his facebook wall... "Whoever needs this.  I love you.  God loves you.  I'm praying for you."  And I am doing the same.  If you need me... Let me know... If you need me to pray for you... Let me know...  Although, I do often.  And if you have a need - email me.  Call me.  I'm here.  Don't be afraid because I am the "new widow". I will continue with the same passion what my husband started.  But I know that God is gonna do something amazing in my life.  Stay tuned and let's ride this ride together.  I think it is going to be beyond what I was ever able to imagine....

And Shaun, I know you are behind me 100%.  I love you.

Arms of an Angel...

I've had a hard day.  I don't know why.  But I have sat here and remembered the love that we had.  It wasn't easy to come by for me.  It was a long and hard road  before I found him, and I believe it was the same for him.  I had dated different guys, a previous marriage, and then - only then - did we find each other.  It seems so random.  But it couldn't have been.
When I thought of my life, relationships I had with others, that well - didn't work.  They had their moments of grandeur, but they weren't the ones that really understood me - and loved me anyway.  There were some good ones, bad ones, and some that I thought that were really keepers.
Then, there he was.  Standing in Unos.  And he shook me to my core.  I knew it - knew it - deep down to my the very essence of who I am.  It took me a long time to find him, but when I did.. Wow.  Now that being said, I have a love for God, my kids, friends - and everyone of those loves are near and dear to my heart.  But there is nothing more sacred, nothing more true, than being loved by, and in love with an angel. It hard to be in love with someone not on this planet.  Someone who now is perfect in every way.  I loved his imperfections, too.  Well, I will be honest, not all of them - but I should say some of them. But it still made up him.  And to me he was my soulmate.  Yin and Yang. Iced my Cake - and insert any metaphor of your own here.
Every night, when I go to sleep - I picture my angel's arms encompassing me, and holding me through the night - so I can carry myself through another day.  And every morning I have woken - I have remembered and it hurts more some days than others - albeit the pain is immense everyday.  But I never have to doubt if he did love me - or if he still does.  Because I know the answer to that.

Remembering the Future....

Remembering the future... weird statement, I know.  But that's what I've been doing today.  I've been sitting around and thinking, about all of my plans with Shaun for our future... And how they are never going to happen... And it's sad, to me.
Here's a few:
1. First year after retirement, we were going to take a month vacation, and hit every major league baseball stadium - and watch a game.  We were going to purchase opposing team shirts - and get our picture made in front of every sign, in a different fighting position.
2. We were going to live in a Senior Facility, in a super cool condo.  You know the type of place I'm talking about - where they cook your meals, serve cookies in the afternoon - the old guys get together and play poker.  The old ladies go to the "arts and crafts" room, and they discover their inner artist.
3.  We were gonna sneak out of the senior center after hours - and make out in the gazebo (because all of those places have a gazebo).  And yes, we made out often - and we planned to make out forever...
4.  He used to say, "Senior Ride Til We Die Baby..."  And everytime we saw the the Senior Ride - he would grab my hand and kiss it.  I dread the day I see the senior ride on the road.  Probably will have a breakdown - just sayin'.
5.  We wanted a beach house.  A lot.  We almost had one.  We were moving on August 1st.  The beach house has lost it's luster for me.
So, I guess I will remember the future.  Make up what would have happened in my mind.  And think about how fun that would have been - since we didn't get to do it.  But I am glad we had dreams, goals, and things to look forward too.  Because now I have memories from the past and I also have memories from the future...

Legendary....

So, Today I got a tattoo.  It hurt bad.  It felt like someone was cutting my wrist with a razor blade - or at least that is what I imagine it would feel like. (I have been fortunate enough to not ever have my wrist cut with a razor blade.)  For anyone who has never had a tattoo - the whole experience can be surreal... Especially if you go to Jack Brown's here in Fredericksburg.  A lot of different people go there - I was there, a girl getting tattooed(who didn't have a lot of room left, honestly) - an elderly lady who you would never imagine would be getting a tattoo - you get my drift.  And I am talking to Chance, my tattooist.  He is brutally honest - you never wonder what he's thinking.  He is callous, in a refreshing way.  This tattoo meant a lot to me - and he knew it... we started talking about Shaun.  My friend - Jacqueline was holding my hand the whole time - for the physical pain along with the emotional pain.  Anyway, I digress.  I start crying, and I told him the part I still have a hard time with is Jacoby's age.  That he won't remember firsthand how absolutely amazing his father was.  And that makes me sad.  And here is Chance's reply - "But think of it - in a way - he will be legendary.  He will never upset his son.  He will never mess him up.  He will always be able to imagine him as a superhero."  Which for some strange reason, made me smile... Because it's true..  I will be able to tell Jacoby how amazing his daddy was - and it will never be tainted by anger, punishment, a moment of pure judgement.  It can be pure love without flaw.  And isn't that as close to Jesus' love that we can get?  I think so.

Now here's the kicker.... There is a circle in the cross - that was just going to be shaded.  Chance almost started, lifted it, almost started, lifted it again... and said, "How bout if I put another shaded cross in the center... instead of the other design?"  I smile - look at Jacqueline - she smiles - and in unison we nod.  He does it.  I think that it will be pretty... and then as I am starting to write this blog, I google "two crosses" - here is an excerpt to what I read....

"Why two crosses?" (This was the question posed - and here is the answer)

There are two crosses, because really only two matter.
The first cross=Jesus.  He is the Son of God and was crucified for the sins of the world. Mankind was separated from fellowship with God and doomed by something called sin. We were in trouble and needed a savior. By willingly dying on this cross, Jesus took the punishment for our sin and made eternal life possible. Anyone who accepts Him as their savior receives eternal life. In addition, because God raised Him from the dead, abundant life is available for those who believe.
The second cross=Thief.  This thief was receiving capital punishment for his criminal activities. At first he was hurling insults at Jesus. But before he died, and this is important,(notice the bold and underline), he had a change of heart and asked Jesus to remember him. He never went to church, sang in the choir, or served on a committee. He never dropped money in the offering plate and probably never helped an old lady cross the street. His physical body died that day, but because he accepted Jesus, his soul went to Heaven.


Profound, I know.  And my wrist now is a constant reminder of that for me.  It has the love of my life's name - and what he used to call me.  But more importantly, it has the symbol for the love of my eternity - Jesus.  And a smaller cross in the center - because if it wasn't for the big cross - us little ones couldn't be with our Savior.  So the big cross, the little cross, Shaun's name and the word BeautifuLL.  It's my universe all rolled into one.  That because of the cross, and God's love and sacrifice for us, we can all spend eternity in heaven - worshiping him - and loving our loved ones for eternity.  You know how they say God works in mysterious ways?  Well, today he spoke to me through a tattoo on my arm at Jack Brown's Tattoo Revival, in Fredericksburg, VA.  Yes - he is everywhere you look - and if you listen, he will speak to you.  Love you all... so much.  And as Shaun once said, "Whoever needs this, I love you - God Loves You - and I am praying for you."

A New Identity...

I have played many different roles in my life.  Here are a few:
1. Daughter
2. Sister
3. Friend
4. Mother
5. Wife
6. Employee
And that's just to name a few.  I am sure that we can all think of all the different roles that we play and titles we have had in our life.  But it's weird to me, the one that I seem to identify with is the term "widow".  When I meet people, I feel like I need to tell them.  It's not that I want to - I need to.  My friend Krissie made me go get my haircut today - It needed it bad before Shaun died - Imagine now (I have very short hair - so trust when I say it's bad).  Anyway, Veronica at Ulta(who did a great job - so insert plug here), introduces herself, and asks me how I am doing today.  My response, classic mind you -
"I am okay.  But my husband died 3 weeks ago.  My friend made me come here to get my haircut."  Poor lady... way to drop a mega bomb on her.  I kinda felt horrible but I couldn't shut up.  That's my identity now.  Shaun's widow.  I feel like I need people to know.  To understand why I am the way I am.  It's weird.  It's almost like a way to tell people that you feel like you are only half alive.  To let them know, that you might look okay, but you are broken.  And why do you want people to know you are broken?  I have no idea. I never felt that way before. If I had issues I liked to smile, and say "Everything's great."  Well, at least to people I don't know.  Why has this become my new identity - I'm not sure - because I know deep down, I am still his wife, I'm still a daughter, sister, mother, and friend.  But I feel like the term "widow" describes my heart.  And it hurts - but God is with me - he will make it clear soon.

What a mighty feeling...

I'm sitting on the couch, snuggling with Jacoby.  My heart literally aches inside my chest to know how he will never personally know Shaun.  He will never see, first hand, the amount of compassion, caring, and dedication Shaun gave.  He will never know how he loved to blast the radio and dance with him.  He will never know just how much Shaun sacrificially loved him.  Albeit, I will always tell him so - it's not going to be something he experiences firsthand.

But, then I think about God's love for us.  And I realize, he will know.  He will understand.  He will love and miss you.  But it's only going to be for a little "blip" of time that we are here on this earth - and then you will have eternity together.  Praising God, loving each other, which is all Shaun ever wanted anyway.  That was his purpose here - to prep us and others for eternity.  Shaun struggled, had questions, he was human.  But he researched the answers.  He delved into his faith - took the bull by the horns.  He was going to make his family understand, and he did.  He showed me the urgency.  He showed me the patience to persevere.

I spoke with my Pastor and his assistant yesterday, and the were so comforting and helpful.  And I realized something as they talked to me - their heart broke for me but they also lost a friend.

Precious....

Today, I learned a lot.  I feel like I learned a lot about you.  I met with Daniel Floyd, our pastor.  The insight of that man to your heart was profound.  He knew you well.  I feel like you let him know what he needed to know to help me.  I love you so much.  I decided that Monday I am going to go back to work.  I know you would want me to.  You want me to continue what you started - and I don't know how I will - but I promise I will make you proud.  A wise man told me today, "All things new...."

Today, all things are new.  You are happy - I miss you.  But I will do my best to make you proud.  I have a long and tedious journey to go on.  But I know you are with me and you have got my back.  As you used to say, "We got this..."

No words...

I love what you continue to do for me.  I love what you continue to show me.  I am in awe has to how you "got it".  And through all this time, all my time going to church, learning about God - I didn't get it - but you did.  I see that now.  I know what's important now.  This life is so fleeting.  It  can be gone in a second, and we have to make every second count.  We have to share.  Who cares if people judge us?  We have to let everyone know what we have, so they can have it too.  Love for humankind.  Giving God the praise he deserves.  I love you Shaun, and what you continue you show to me - makes me know how much you loved, and continue to love.  What an amazing man you are - not were - because your footprint on this earth was profound - you are still around, just in heaven.  I love you, daddy.

Everything....

Everything reminds me of you.  I talk to old friends, and I know that they led me to you.  Well, my life's path led me to you.  To a faith that we drew together.  A family, a life.  We went to Buffalo Wild Wings tonight, in the old UNO's building - and I cried when I walked in.  Just full of memories of us... the beginning of us.  It looks different, but still the same.  I knew how much you wanted to go there for Tariq's birthday dinner, and he wanted to go to.  I feel like a can't really have a good time if you aren't around.  I miss you.  Everything reminds me of you.  Food, drinks, smells, sounds, tv shows - all come back to you.  I feel guilty when I forget for 30 seconds and laugh.  Although I know you would want me to.  I would give anything to have you hear beside me.  But I am writing, Like you told me to do - and it's all from my heart.  I want to make you proud.  I want to continue what you started.  I love you - and if love can make someone live on - then you will be around forever.  Because I never loved like I did you - and I never will again.

Sweet, Sweet Girls...

I realized tonight how blessed I am with the people that Shaun tactfully put in my life.  I have a sister, who is passionate about Shaun's desires - and is raising money through her business.  I have friends - who are going to create an event that's gonna stop Fredericksburg. Shoot, maybe DC even.  Shoot, MAYBE IT WILL TURN INTO IT'S OWN REALITY SHOW!!!  Everyone used to say, Shaun and I would make a good reality show - which unfortunately, is probably true.  But I was blessed by God, to have a man love me unconditionally.  I am blessed by God, with such a sweet support system of women, who are my soldiers in this horrible battle - and they are carrying me through.  For those of you who are my friends on facebook - Look at the amazing comments by numerous women.  Don't ever take for granted the women God places in your life.
For example - Shaun's daughter's mom has been a rock for me.  She has listened at my cry, came and hugged me, and opened up her heart to me.  Megan, I can't thank you enough.  You will never know how much you helped me - and continue to help me - through the this horrible time.  Our conversation today made my heart smile.  I love you girl....
And then, I talked to one of Shaun's childhood friends - who was so happy for him, me - the kids.  And so proud of the change in his life.  It makes my heart smile again, when other people saw the change in him who didn't experience him everyday.
I miss him so much - more than I could ever fathom.  But I was blessed to have him - blessed to have him as my husband.  And blessed to know I will be with him forever in heaven.  Thank you Shaun, for giving me the biggest gift ever - I hope you know how much it means to me.  I love you.

Two weeks....

So, today is two weeks.  It doesn't seem possible.  I think part of me is still in denial.  Last night was no good.  I just wanted him in bed beside me so very much.  One of Shaun's friends who he had somewhat lost contact with called me last night - he had just found out.  My heart broke for him, too.  I wanted to console him, but I can't because I can't even console myself.  The feeling of being without the one you love - and the one that loved you back seems impossible.  Because just because he is in heaven doesn't mean that I am not in love with him anymore.  I still am - I still feel completely the same way.  I look at his pics, and I know what some of those looks meant - and it's like he's still there for a second.  I kiss his pics, I hug his Urn.  I feel like a morbid freak at times.  I just don't ever want to let him go.  I wish I could put into words the sadness and longing that I feel.  I can sit in a room full of people and I feel alone.

How easy it can be...

How easy it can be to remember, but how hard also.  Today, I'm still working on Shaun's Scrapbook, and I as I'm doing it - I start remembering things.  I remember how he called me "boo" - that's the one that made me cry.  Frankly, it always annoyed me... "Hey boo..", "Love you boo", "What's wrong, boo?"  I don't know why it got on my nerves - but I feel so mean now that it did.  I would love to hear him call me that again.  I also remembered his love for boston baked beans.  That made me cry.  I bought him a big box of them at the gas station near my work the day before he died - and he got to eat them. 
There are many things that I have remembered, those just to name a few.  But it seems with every little memory, the hole in my heart gets a little deeper.  I pray you never have to go through this... because it hurts.  It hurts me in the here and now.  Every second, every minute, of every single day.  But I once again  have the assurance that he's in heaven, and for that, I am thankful.  I know I have said that a million times - but I can't stress it enough.

Scrapbook Memories...

So, I decided that I am making a digital scrapbook, and then I am going to have it professionally bound like a coffee table book - and it be the story of Shaun and I.  I know it seems crazy, but I want to make sure that every memory is completely documented.  Not one forgotten.  So I have slips of paper everywhere, the notepad app on the iPhone is quite handy, and dragon dictation too.  I wish I knew why I had such a panic of forgetting.  You can't forget someone that amazing.  Someone that special.  But I want to make sure every detail is perfect.  Just like he is to me.  It's gonna be a long endeavor, putting 3 years in pictures in a detailed book... but I hope it's worth it.  I want to see his face, hear him sing to me, hold his hand... I love him guys more than you can know.  And it's really painful to be in love with someone who is no longer here.

Independance Day, Revealed.

So, happy fourth of July.  Happy Independence Day.  Eat a burger, have some potato salad, and get a sunburn.  And hopefully - next year I will do the same.  But I am sure that is not going to happen this year.  Today is the worst of them so far.  Maybe because it's a holiday.  We were going to Philadelphia this weekend.  And Shaun was so looking forward to it - as was I.  One thing that I am not is Independent.  I was dependent upon him, and happily.  I know a lot of people think it's "bad" to be dependent... but I relished in it. Webster's defines dependent as relying on someone or something else for aid, support, etc.  And I did/do that with Shaun.  But I wasn't in a weird way.  He was just my support.  The yin to my yang.  My other half.  And I know that I have to function, that I can't just cry everyday away - because I have 3 kids - that's exactly what I want to do.  I want him to know how much he is missed, and how much I hurt.  And how I will never be the same.  I feel angry sometimes too.  And I don't want to be angry - but I do want him back.  I wish this had never happened.  My life was fantastic.  I know that I won't know until I make it to heaven also... but I gotta be honest - I can't wait until they day I can be in his arms again.

Lesson on today...

I hate euphemisms.  I abhor them even.  I learned this over the past few weeks.  "Such a loss", "passed on", "went to be with the Lord".  I understand that those are all true - and I also understand that people are really trying to help.  But I refuse to say those words.  I feel like they are soft.  They are made to soften the blow of the gravity of what happened. 
I know that my husband is in paradise.  I know this.  But I also know it hurts.  It hurts like a pain I have never felt.  When Shaun died, a piece of me died with him - and I will never get that part back.  Ever.  I still talk to him.  When something happens that annoys me, makes me happy, I just talk.  And no, I don't need Xanax, Paxil, or any other type of anti-psychotic drugs.  But it makes him feel close to me.  But the gravity is still there because he doesn't answer me back.  We were supposed to grow old together.  He would say, "Senior Ride Til We Die.."  Well, I didn't get to ride the senior ride with him.  And it hurts me.  To my core.  I want to feel him with me forever... Hand in hand... Feet crossed in bed while we sleep. His chest hair itching my nose if I was laying on him to fall asleep. 
Shaun used to hold my hand when we rode down the road... and he would always lift my hand to his lips and kiss it - and then bite it... and just laugh and laugh at himself.  Annoying.  But I would give anything for that again.  He had such a joyful heart.. And he cracked himself up.  He used to say he was gonna do stand up - I would inform him he wasn't funny - then he would tell me how he was...  That's my hubby.  I guess this post is kinda random, but I am having a random day.

Amazing...

So, today I wake up and look out my window and see a ton of my church family working in my yard.  I had a very hard night last night.  I don't know why it was so hard, what made it different, but it was.  I was up until about 4am... and when I did finally sleep - it was fitful at best.  I miss him.  How do you let someone go when you have no option but to do just that.  I don't even know how to feel.  I love him.  He changed me.  He taught me that to be a Christian is so much more than I ever thought.  And now, his friends are showing me.  There is a guy here, and I am so sorry that I don't know his name, but Shaun always called him his "roll dog".  He's an usher at our church, a fellow bald guy, and a Red Sox fan.  They always joked about sports, (albeit they might have been pretending to "joke"), but Shaun loved him.  Man hugs every Sunday.  I know that Shaun would give him a big man hug now for being here... 

BeautifuLL...

So, Shaun used to always say to me, "You are Beautiful.. with two big L's..." 
And as most women would reply to their spouse, I would say he was sweet - I love him - and then rattle all the things off that I would like to repair with diet, exercise or plastic surgery.
He would roll his eyes, and say, "That's stupid."  And guess what?  He was right.  He loved me how I am.  It wasn't just my physical appearance that he was referring to - it was my heart and my love for him.  He knew something that I didn't until this week.  He saw my heart.. what made me  - well, me.  And he loved it.  And Shaun was beautiful - a gorgeous man.  Thought so the second I met him.  But when I look back on old pics, he looks kinda funny to me.  Not the same.  Because his heart wasn't the same.  So when someone tells you that you are beautiful - say Thank You... they might see something there that you can't.

Wow...

So, last night, I found a bunch of videos of Shaun that I thought were forever lost a long time ago... God is good.  I have never know such pain in my life.  Such a feeling of emptiness.  But I also never knew how amazingly God can work in a tragedy.  I see people's lives changing.  I hear their stories.  I read them on facebook.  (Oh, what would we do without the facebook).  But God provided me with an understanding supervisor, manager, who I spoke with today.  GEICO is fabulous.  I still don't know when or how I will go back to work, but I know that God will provide that for me.  I don't know how I am going to get up in the morning without Shaun there, but I do know God will be there to help me do it.  I know I am always going to hurt immensely from my loss - my kids loss.  But I know that God has shown me many things that are much more important.  Life on this earth is fleeting.  It's so fast.  Prepare for your eternal future, and make sure that's right.  I know that I will be forever blesssed.