The "F" Bomb....

Yep, I said it, the "F" bomb.  Considered it dropped.  Today, I am dropping the "F" bomb all over the place.  But it's probably not the one you thought.  I was listening to a podcast by Steven Furtick today, from Elevation Church.  And he was talking about the "F" Bomb himself.  Forgiveness.  Ouch.  I thought, that's a good one for me to listen to.  It's completely not applicable to me.  And might make me feel good about myself. I forgive people, there is no one that I am upset with. Nope.  Wrong again, Kristie...
Then I figured it out... I listened.  I had been angry with Shaun.  Angry with God.  I know that it's wrong. But I was.  I felt like I got the wrong end of the deal.  And no, I'm not suicidal - but my heart has been yanked out and thrown on the grown and stomped on - and he is in paradise, praising Jesus.  Who got the short end of the stick, there?  And I was acting like a baby where God is concerned.  You know, how when we are little, and we want something, our parents tell us no - for our own good - and we are irate?  That was me.  I was so mad at God.  How dare he take the love of my life, after not being together for what I would deem the correct amount of time.  I am the one who is mistaken. I know if we would have been 100, I would have wanted 5 more minutes.  I know he has a plan.  And it's difficult, and it's hard, and I don't understand - and I am not supposed to.  I HATE HAVING NO CONTROL!  I hate googling, and not getting an answer.  Don't lie - you hate it, too.
But, Shaun had no control of the situation.  I know that.  But it hurts.  And well, I can't explain why I was angry at him - but I was.  I know it's crazy.  But here is what Steven taught me on my podcast...
"Repentance isn’t the necessary prerequisite to forgiveness. Jesus’ blood is. This truth sets you free to rid yourself of the weight of what’s been done to you.  There’s no need to punish yourself by carrying it any further.
Reliving what someone did to you won’t make it better. Hating them won’t make it better either.
The person that’s really being hurt by you withholding your forgiveness isn’t the offender. It’s you. Refusing to forgive someone until they ask for it is like refusing to breathe to prove a point.  It is only going to harm you in the end."  And guess what, I am the one it's harming.  It didn't help, that's for sure.  It made me feel guilty for being angry at such an amazing man - a man that treated me with such dignity and respect.  Forgiveness and acceptance doesn't' start with anger and questioning.   It starts with me - and trusting Jesus - and he already died so I can have eternity with Shaun.  And who can be angry with that?  Without him - we would have only had time on earth.  With him, we have eternity.