"Don't take a free ride in your own life" - jacked that from Nickelback. But that's what I did for a long time. But it got me thinking. I have been through a lot in my 30ish years. Not as much as some, more than others. But it's my hand - my life - my situations - so they seem pretty important to me. Five weeks ago today, I lost the love of my life. Five weeks ago this moment - I sat comatose in my bedroom with family and friends helplessly looking on wanting to take it all way. Six weeks ago today, my life seemed perfect. I was happy, crazy in love, healthy kids, great family, awesome church - all things were great. And now look. I just looked at my list - everything is still the exact same except the word "happy". I am not happy. I am frankly quite melancholy. I feel like Eeyore. My perspective is different now. I am still crazy in love - Shaun just can't tell me he loves me too. My kids are still healthy. My family is great. My church is amazing. I just don't have him.
My sister scared me to death yesterday - I really thought I was getting ready to lose her too. I wanted it to be me. Not her. I wanted to take her pain and worry away. I wanted to help and I couldn't. I got angry. I felt like why does this keep happening to me!?! And that answer I don't know. But I do know this. Cassie would want me to keep on - be tough - and pray. Shaun would want me to keep on - be tough - and take care of Cassie - pray - the kids. Two of the most important people in my life would say the exact same thing. It amazes me how God puts people in our lives, who are totally different, but exactly the same. I don't understand his plan - not at all - not even close. But I am going to continue to praise him. Because I know he is in control. And I need to - and I want to. Please continue to pray for my sister - I love her so much. But please continue to pray for me, too. And well, anyone else who needs it. Prayers work. I want to change this world - one person at a time.
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