Man, I hate onions.

I hate onions.  They make my eyes water and they stink.  Some people that stink smell like onions.  So it comes full circle.  But, I was having a conversation with my sister the other day, and I think I am an onion.  And, how I became an onion is quite stinky.  I feel like I used to be an orange....Shiny and good on the outside, you open it up - and there are a few individual pieces that make up the inside on an orange.  Now, my outside is transparent of my inside, and there are hundreds of different layers that make me now. Some are bigger than others, but there they are.
This whole experience almost feels cruel to me.  Too much for one person to endure.  I have tried to explain it to myself.  Especially, the first couple weeks - I didn't want to talk to anyone, with the exception of a select few, about it.  I was in the middle of an emotional and spiritual crisis.  At a crossroads, if you will.  And I could let this kill me - leave me mostly unchanged but bitter - or change me into the creation that Shaun already was.  Then I thought about what he would want - we all know the answer to that.  But to write it, and actually do it - two totally seperate things.  It's like telling your kid to put their clothes in the hamper, but yours are all over the floor (not that such an atrocious act would ever happen in my house), but same concept.  I am trying to be real here, let it out day by day my thoughts and emotions.  This has really been a journey.
I will never "be over" losing the love of my life.  Never.  To be honest, I never want to be.  But, I do want to do amazing things in memory of him.  I want everyone to have what he gave me.  So where am I at now?  Let me sum it up - 1.  I will never stop mourning - and probably never stop crying - but I have discovered what I have now.  2.  Through Shaun's death - God has given me courage that I never thought I'd possess.  I think he took a little of Shaun's bravery and gave it to me.  I'm not scared to ask anyone to church, tell them my beliefs - and I don't care if they judge me - all the better reason for me to give a long winded explanation... :-)  3. I know that I will get to see Shaun again, I just have to wait to get to heaven to do it.  4. "We" say, Shaun died.  Newsflash (I totally wish I could make this word strobe right now) - my husband didn't die.  Because he was saved.  He is still living.  Just not on earth - he's living in heaven - and loving every minute of it. 

So, to sum it up - I'm alive.  On the planet Earth.  And I will continue to do what I stated above, until the day I leave this earth.  And, because I know what is waiting when I get there - I am ready to go whenever God sees fit.