I hate euphemisms. I abhor them even. I learned this over the past few weeks. "Such a loss", "passed on", "went to be with the Lord". I understand that those are all true - and I also understand that people are really trying to help. But I refuse to say those words. I feel like they are soft. They are made to soften the blow of the gravity of what happened.
I know that my husband is in paradise. I know this. But I also know it hurts. It hurts like a pain I have never felt. When Shaun died, a piece of me died with him - and I will never get that part back. Ever. I still talk to him. When something happens that annoys me, makes me happy, I just talk. And no, I don't need Xanax, Paxil, or any other type of anti-psychotic drugs. But it makes him feel close to me. But the gravity is still there because he doesn't answer me back. We were supposed to grow old together. He would say, "Senior Ride Til We Die.." Well, I didn't get to ride the senior ride with him. And it hurts me. To my core. I want to feel him with me forever... Hand in hand... Feet crossed in bed while we sleep. His chest hair itching my nose if I was laying on him to fall asleep.
Shaun used to hold my hand when we rode down the road... and he would always lift my hand to his lips and kiss it - and then bite it... and just laugh and laugh at himself. Annoying. But I would give anything for that again. He had such a joyful heart.. And he cracked himself up. He used to say he was gonna do stand up - I would inform him he wasn't funny - then he would tell me how he was... That's my hubby. I guess this post is kinda random, but I am having a random day.
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