Back to School... Back to Organzied Chaos.

Today - my babies all started back to school.  I have a first grader, eighth grader, and wait for it.... A SENIOR IN HIGH SCHOOL!  I didn't know how in the world I would feel this morning.  You know, I see a lot of posts where parents are sad, happy, and some in between.  This being the "last first day of School", for my oldest - I thought I would be emotional.  Sad that my baby is growing up.  But it wasn't that at all.  All I had in my heart this morning was an insurmountable amount of pride.  Not just for him, for all three.

I'll start with him though.  This kid has been through the ringer.  He has went through more in his seventeen years on this planet than most adults.  He has been my son, my friend, my counselor - all the time I have been the same back.  He has taken care of me and his siblings when I was sick.  He took on so many responsibilities when Shaun passed away - and never complained.  He is a kind hearted, intelligent, loving, gorgeous young man.  So this morning - I am so proud that he is a senior.  He has made it.  With grace, gratitude, and love.  I am so proud of him I can't even stand it.  And I am so excited - that he is gonna have an awesome Senior year - and then follow his dreams.

Then there is Bella.  She does not like school.  At all.  And that always makes me anxious for her.  Sending your child somewhere that they don't want to go - I don't care what anyone says - it's hard.  We all know she has to go - but it doesn't make it any easier.  So this morning, as she was putting some icing on her "First Day of School Toaster Strudel"... I asked her if she was dreading it.  Her response, "Well, yeah.  But I am super excited to see my friends."  And she smiled.  A real smile.  Which made me feel great inside.  Because - I know she is gonna be okay.  And it made me feel great, that she can pull out the positive in a situation.  I don't know that in 8th grade - I had that capability.

And then Jacoby.  Just as I typed that, I laughed.  He was so excited!  He loves school.  He loves his teachers.  He loves his friends.  And when I asked him if he was excited, he hugged my legs, and told me he "LOVES ADVENTURES!"  And how awesome, that he is excited and sees school as an adventure.  I am so happy for that little fella, having some great adventures today.

So, I know I say it a lot.  But I am so blessed.  So grateful.  So enamored with my three kids.  My best role, in my life, has been being their mother.  My goal, is to guide them to success and happiness.  Live with love and kindness in their hearts.  So far, they doing an amazing job.  I love you guys so much! Happy 2016-2017 School Year!  (Ignore the sleepy Bella face... LOL!  She is gonna kill me!)

After 5 years, What is Happiness?

I don't have the answer to my own question. 

The only answer I have is "Me".  I'm really happy.  And as I type this, I am crying a little.  So, there ya have it.  You can cry and still be totally happy.  But I am not crying in mourning, per se.  It still breaks my heart for the girl that used to be.  I am not her anymore, though.

Five years ago...
I woke up.  Like everyday.  Walked downstairs - and had no idea that my whole life had changed.
I screamed and cried until I had no voice.
Everything felt like it was crashing down.  I was so scared... and then the pain and anguish hit.  I didn't see an end.  I saw every single "future memories" that would never happen together.  It lasted a really long time.

Now...
I woke up.  Like everyday.  And I smiled. I sang a little gangsta rap/reggae as I got ready.  I am happy. 
I am loved.  I have great friends.  Great family.  And God has healed that broken and seared mess that used to be my heart.  I feel optimistic.  I plan.  I enjoy every breath.  Every single minute.  And I sit back in awe, at the fact that my life is where it is.  And I feel joyful for that.

The people who know me, here in Florida, never met that girl.  That don't define me by the things she went through.  They just know "this me".  And sometimes, I am thankful for that.  But sometimes, I wish they knew her, too.  Just to see how far I've come.  And understand, why I am who I am.

I make it a point to hug people who need it.  Smile.  Laugh.  And enjoy every minute I can.  God has been so faithful to me.  There's a song by Stephen Curtiss Chapman, that says "When you give and when You take away,  even then great is your faithfulness".  I couldn't be a better representation of that.  And I know I don't deserve it, but I am thankful for it. 

I know this journey isn't over.  And it never will be.  But today, I feel like I am cruising at a good speed in a great car - and enjoying the drive. 

I never planned my life to be this hard.  Have these problems.  But I am grateful for who I am now because of them.

Father's Day... Can sometimes be hard....

For those of you who know me well, you know I don't take much stock in "commercial" holidays.  I honestly - don't like them at all.  Valentine's, Mother's Day, Father's Day - actually aren't my thing.  I feel like these holidays are great in a way - they are all about celebrating love, right?  But why do we need particular days to do it?  And it can be days that make you have great expectations, and then a huge feeling of sadness when it doesn't live up to it.  Take Valentine's Day.  How many times have you heard someone say, "Looks like I am going to be alone again this Valentine's Day - #foreveralone."  Well, they were single before - but that day seems to make it a prominent problem when it wasn't before.

And now we are at Father's day.  And scrolling Facebook compelled me to write this.  I have seen so many posts from people who have lost their father's.  Their husband's.  Father's who lost their children. And it breaks my heart.  

Also, it makes my heart smile - to see families taking time out to honor the men in their life.  Celebrate the ones you love, and let them know how much they mean to you.  

And as today goes on, pray for those who are having a tough day today.  That have a feeling of emptiness inside.  Pray for those who have lost something huge.  Because, as one who has lost someone, it stings.  

So today, I want to say if you are hurting, I am praying for you.  I care about your heart.  And I hope you find a peace today.  I would also like to say thank you to all the great dads out there.  Those who step up to be father's when they don't have to be.  Who love children that aren't theirs - like they are.  

I know this post is rambling, and I am sorry for that.  Just a lot of emotion today.  

This is how it ends.... Or at least I thought so for a minute.

I had the flu.

For real.

Like, they stuck a cotton swab in my nose - ran a test - and it came back positive - for the flu.

They gave me Tamiflu.  So I am not kidding.  I seriously, had the flu.

I write this to tell you this.  I have never, ever, ever in the history of my life - been that sick.  I have said before, "I have the flu...".  I will admit publicly - I HAVE NEVER EVER HAD THE FLU UNTIL NOW.  For four days, I had a fever.  I took motrin alternating with tylenol.  My fever never got below 100.5.  It got up to a little above 103.  I was pretty sure I was dying.  And there were moments, when I prayed to fall asleep.  Just so time would pass - and maybe I would wake up and be better.

Yesterday, I called in sick to work for today.  I have not called in sick in over three years to work.  And the last time I called in?  Food Poisoning.  I went to work a week after having a C-Section.  I needed the money and health insurance.  And I don't say this to brag on myself or talk about how tough I am.... But I am tough.  But this weekend, I knew I was beat.  There was no possible way for me to be better in a mere 24 hours to go to work.

I woke up at 2 am.  Soaked.  My bedsheets were dripping.  My clothes.  My fever had broken.  And although it was disgusting - I almost cried.  Because I saw it as a sign that it was almost over.  Am I 100%?  Nope.  80%?  Still probably pushing it.  But, I have showered.  Walked around.  Poured some tea.  Talked to my kids, a little.  And have been upright a lot more than horizontal.  I laughed.  A few times.

And you know what's scary?  Hearing my own laugh kinda shocked me.  But it made me smile.  It's almost like I forgot in those four days - how to be human and myself.  I'm coming back, but wow.

This is why I am writing this.  I rarely pray and thank God for my health.  I pray to keep my family healthy and safe.  But I can't say I have ever had  a grateful heart for just feeling good.  Well, there is a new reminder on my phone.  Be grateful for you health.  I can't even imagine what it's like for people who suffer daily with different illnesses.  So, I am thankful for this flu.  It put a lot in perspective.  And I am coming out of it with a grateful heart.  So, I pray I never get the flu again - but on the bright side - I learned something from it.


 

My heart is bleeding. Please pray. With Fervor.

Today has been a wicked Monday.  Horrible.  Worse than I could ever think.  It all started off okay - kinda of like a regular Monday.  Just like most people, who deal with customers and customer service, the weekend can reek havoc for a Monday.  I was prepped and ready to go.  That goes, until about  one o'clock.

One of my friends, came to me, with a look of absolute horror on his face.  And said, "This day needs to end."  He is one of those people who is always positive.  When I have a bad day  - I get upset - he tells me, "Is this something you really wanna get upset over?"  And sometimes yes, most of the time no.  But for him to look stunned, made a sharp chill go to my core.  I asked him what happened.  And nothing would have prepped me for what he was getting ready to say.

Someone that I used to work with, one of my first friends here in Orlando, was in a tragic car accident on Saturday.  He was hit head-on, with his entire family in the car.  He is in very critical condition.  His wife, is severely injured, but projected to be okay.  He lost his two little girls.  Ages 6 and 8.  I can't even begin to wrap my mind around it.

He is a sweet man.  Soft spoken.  Kind.  Once he left the shop where I met him, I still saw him often around town.  My job has a small circle - and you run into each other.  Less than a month ago, I saw him.  He was telling me how excited he was for an advancement in his new company.  He was smiling from ear to ear.  He asked me about my family.  We laughed and caught up.  I told him we all needed to get together soon.  I never made a plan to do so.  And I hate myself for it.

When Shaun died, the only thing that carried me through - was my kids.  They still needed their momma.  Losing a husband was horrible.  I have selfishly said, when referencing that experience, how horrible it was.  How he was too young.  We never thought.  And we were young.  And it was tragic.  But  nothing on this earth is as tragic as losing a child.  My heart is bleeding for them.

So please, this blog is plea - pray for them.  Constantly.  Pray for Rich, the daddy, he is in really bad shape.  Pray for Amanda, his wife, she just lost her children, is injured, and I am sure petrified for her husband. I wish I could help them.  This is the only way I know how.  I figure a number of people read my blog.  So let's just blanket them in prayer.  I am attaching a link below - so you can pray specifically.  This is all I got to help to right now.

http://www.wtsp.com/story/news/2016/02/07/2-vehicle-crash-leaves-3-children-dead-polk-county/79965558/

Netflix, Chia Seeds, Om Scarves, and Eyeliner.

It's two days after Christmas.  The ruckus has died down.  The kids are all content - and getting along.  It's remotely quiet in my house.  I am sitting in my bed, watching netflix and youtube, and yes - simultaneously (I'm good like that).  But I kept saying to myself, do something productive.  Don't waste your day.  You need to blog.  So, here we meet again.

Now, when you are completely being lazy - it's hard to think of a topic.  And I just looked around - and realized there is my topic.  This weekend is my topic.  I went to Publix today, to pick up a few things.  One of those items were chia seeds.  It took me forever to find them - but when I did - I felt like I ran a marathon - and won it!  Why?  Because I found them without asking anyone.  So there is one little personal win.

For those of you who know me, I love yoga.  Pitaiyo.  Mediation.  I burn incense.  Yes, I have a touch of hippie, granola kid deep down in my heart.  I have a tattoo of the "om" symbol.  I like to stay at peace and relax.  And throughout my practice, I am able to do that about 80% of the time now.  Yesterday, I went to World Market.  And I found the most amazing scarf.  It's a huge, huge scarf- almost like a blanket - that hangs to my ankles - and it has the "om" symbol on it.  And..... wait for it..... It was on CLEARANCE!  It was like it was meant for me.  So, I roll into Publix, with space leggings, a blank long tank top, and a huge "om" scarf blanket thing draped around me.  Did I look silly? Maybe.  Did I feel fabulous? Definitely....

I have been practicing the winged eyeliner for awhile now.  Today - I nailed it.  Quickly.  Finally.  Like in the amount of time it takes me to put on normal eyeliner.  I can be taught.

I say all this to say - this might seem like a little boring blogpost today.  But, It's a little list of somewhat unimportant wins, but wins - nonetheless.  Take heart in  your little successes every single day.  It might just be the success of sitting down and watching a show on Netflix.  Or completing a blog.  Or having the confidence to wear something that might not be fashionable - because it makes you feel amazing.

So, before the new year begins... Try to find some downtime, and take a minute to love your individuality.  And just be kind.

Xoxo

Turkey Troubles... and Musings from the big "W"...

So, here we are again.  Another thanksgiving.  My least favorite holiday of all time.  And it isn't because I am not thankful - or that I don't like turkey - or parades - I love all that stuff.  It is just a tough day for me.

On this day, years ago, I was sitting in the sunroom at my parents house.  Leaves we gorgeous, the air was cool and crisp, and we had just came in from throwing a football.  I look over at Shaun, and he had tears running down his face.  I asked him, "What's wrong?" And he said to me, "This is all I ever wanted.  I never thought it was possible."  And then he died six and half months later.  That was our last thanksgiving together, and he was so happy.

Now, I hear all the time, "You need to enjoy the day - you need to do  it for the kids... Be happy his last thanksgiving was amazing."  And yes, I do to an extent.  It isn't being off - it isn't the holiday per se.  Its the haunting memory that comes with it. I have been strong since he died.  Over, and over, and over, and over.  This day, affects me like birthdays- anniversary - christmas, affects others.  Part of my heart breaks again.  My throat doesn't want to swallow.  My eyes feel burny.  There is a part that feels lonely.

So, I came upstairs to get ready for my day.  And I decided to let it out.  I cried, hard - sitting in my bathroom floor.  I decided to write this - because I know if I feel this way, others do too.

Today, I am gonna allow myself to mourn and be sad.  Right now.  In this minute.  And then, I am going to be thankful.  Happy.  I am so blessed.  I am so loved.

But, if you are mourning this thanksgiving - allow yourself.  Just don't let it consume you.  I have done that the last few years.  Today will be different.  I will acknowledge it.  Let myself feel it.  Be thankful that I am alive to feel it.  And carry on.

Looking to the Brightside....

Yesterday was mine and Shaun's wedding anniversary.  And to be honest, I was good.  I thought about it off and on all day.  But I didn't cry.  I didn't mourn.  I celebrated in my own way.  I laughed.  I watched some netflix.  I took a bubble bath.  I continued my Saturday like a "normal" day.  And it was a good day.

And here is why I am writing.  It might have taken me years, but I can see the bright side.  In a whole lot of situations - and that was one of them.  I could sit and cry that he died - or be happy that our paths crossed and I was allowed to meet him, love him, and I have an amazing little boy from him.  It's a choice.  I choose to be happy.

And here is a funny thing.  A lot of people, and I mean a lot, condemn me for my attitude.  Sometimes, people consider my happiness, my perkiness - as a negative.  I have heart the terms "fake", "insincere", "abrupt", "overly friendly and she can't be that happy", "too positive - no one thinks that way" - and I could go on.  But I won't.  And why?  Because they are all wrong.

I have been through a lot more than most people my age.  I have dealt with a lot.  I have made a lot of mistakes.  And I am so thankful for every single one.  Not that I am proud of it all, of course I'm not - but it has turned me into who I am.  And do I get mad? yes.  Irritated?  of course.  I am human, after all.  But - I am happy.  My personality is sincere - and I don't care a whole lot if people think it isn't.  I used to, but I don't now.  Those who know me - know the real me.  And those who choose to get to know me, might change their mind.

So, look to the bright side.  You might be going through a horrible time.  And I am so sorry if you are.      
Let me know.  Send me a message - whatever you need to do. I promise I care.  I will pray my heart out for you.  But look in the mirror and find a couple blessings - I am positive they are there.  And here is a little something to make your heart smile - and make you think of all your blessings.  I love each and everyone of you!  (And I really do..... LOLOL!)

And just be thankful - for what you have.  It might be the one thing people dream of.....



https://www.facebook.com/kandeejohnson/videos/10153237374671662/

Yes, as of 9:44 PM - I have 5,441 photos on my camera roll.

It's funny, in a an absurd type of way - but it's true.  I bought an iPhone 6 plus, one year ago.  It's the one with 128 mb.  And you want to know why I bought it? Because the level of storage for photos was so high.  I have two obsessions.  One is music, the other is photos.  An iPhone - well provides both.  That is, as long as you have the memory for it.  So when it came out - I was on it.  There was nothing I hated more, than getting ready to take a picture, and my phone stop me.  The phone would tell me, I needed to delete a picture to take another picture.  Did this phone know what it was asking me to do?  How do I delete a moment, to create another?  What if I didn't save it?  Needless to say, it was drove me nuts.  And you want me to delete a song?  No.  'Nuff said.

I had a conversation with one of my bosses this week, about iPhone Vs. Android.  He asked me why I loved the iPhone, although he has one.  I told him the above.  And he said, "You really take that many pictures?".  Yes, I do.

So this weekend, I looked through them.  And didn't delete any.  But I did notice this. Photos tell such a story, that we might not remember.  Photos tell the truth.  They show happiness, sadness, and absence.  They capture moments that we forget.  They an often show how you feel, even when you didn't realize you felt that way.  I saw a photo of me and Jacoby - and he was squeezing my neck, from behind.  I remember, that I felt so thankful.  In that moment - I felt teary.  And I posted it on Facebook and Instagram - and no one knew I was teary in the picture.  But I remembered when I saw it.  After everything I have been through - I was thankful.  And completely at peace with those little hands around my neck.  I was okay with the hand I had been given.  Because, although it was a horrible road - God got me to where I am at today.

Photographs can show you things you can't see through your own eyes.  Maybe you can't see how beautiful you are.  How great you look when you laugh.  Sometimes, Looking at a photo - can tell you more than you thought you ever knew.  So, keep your photos.  Save them - and let's be a little different.  Print some out - hang them on your wall.  Keep your amazing moments in your foreground.  I posted a quote a few months back on Facebook, I believe, and it said, "Photographs seems unimportant, until that's all you have left."  For some parts of my life, photographs are the only proof it existed.  But for now, in my current life, photographs show me how lucky I am.

Have a great night.  Xoxo.

Let brotherly love continue.  Hebrews 13:1

My Life is a Fairytale....

Not really, but really.

Today, here in sunny Florida - it isn't so sunny.  It's been raining off and on all day.  I have got a lot of things done, and can smile on my productivity.  But that isn't what I am talking about, per se.  For those who know me, know I am a music junkie.  I love all types of music - but I like it loud.  And while I have been singing, thinking, and being productive - my heart felt full.

Yesterday, I got to hang with my kiddos.  Take some pics.  And laugh with them.  Me and my daughter snuck out of the house and bought "secret ice cream", and while we were on our covert mission - we laughed the whole time.  I have a five year old who kisses me every, single time he sees me - and tells me I am pretty.  I have a 16 year old with the wit of Jimmy Fallon.  He keeps me laughing.  My life is filled with laughter.

I have a job, that albeit it is hard, it's rewarding.  I like what I do.  I like the people I work for/with.  I like helping people.  And no, it isn't glamourous.  I am good it.  And no, it will never make me a millionaire - but I wouldn't have it any other way.

I have a the best friends in the world.  I can tell them anything.  No matter how crazy, ridiculous, or unimportant.  They care.  I have man who loves me.  More than anything - and I know that.  He makes me feel like a princess - and we have our problems and struggles - and it isn't perfect.  But, he makes me happier than I have ever been in my life.  He lets me be me.  And that means a lot.  I am his biggest cheerleader - and he is mine.

Now, all that beautiful stuff being said, I have probably cried 30 times this week.  Maybe not that much, but significant.  It was a tough week personally and professionally.  I had to say goodbye to a boss that was amazing, got some terrifying news for my dad, and all in all - it was a little tough.  I try to act tough - but there has been a few nights of falling asleep while crying.  More than few.

But I am grateful.  I am grateful for today.  I am grateful that while writing this, the sun came out.  I am grateful for the air in my lungs.  I am grateful for a loving and forgiving God.  I am grateful for the promise of a new day.  I am grateful for my life and every, single person in it.  I am grateful for the chance to make mistakes and learn from them.  And in all that, in the mess that I felt like the last couple weeks have been "emotionally" for me ----

Recognize this - to someone - that would be a fairytale.  I am blessed.  Happy Labor Day, Guys!

You can be corporate and still be kind....

First, let me start by saying, I do have a day job.  And - as far as day jobs go - I am very thankful for my job - and the folks I work with.  My teammates are some of my closest friends.  My supervisor, is awesome.  He backs us, helps us - I couldn't ask for more.  Now, that being said - I was on vacation the week before last - and it was amazing.  My best friend from VA was here - and we had a great time.  A time to decompress, catch up, and relax.  We both have a lot going on in our lives - both moms - jobs - and busy.  So just to sit and enjoy one another was a huge blessing.  I ended that week with a new sense of purpose.  Relaxed.  And a new mindset upon my "day job".

The week went pretty much like normal, and I was smiling the whole time ( that part not necessarily normal).  But I had decided to be grateful for my job.  My co-workers.  My supervisor.  And when things rose up that would normally stress me out, I took a deep breath, and I was good.  I went through the week feeling amazing.  Until the last day of the work week.

I know it could be risky writing this, but - I feel like I have to.  If I don't - I am being fake.  And my hair, nails, and tan might be fake - but my heart isn't.  So I am going to be vague to protect myself.  But just hear what I am saying.

I witnessed corporate bullying.  Not on myself - or my co-workers - so no worries there, but nonetheless.  I saw it.  And I never have seen such a spectacle in my life.  I have never been so shocked - embarrassed and hurt for the people it happened to - the level of empathy I had was out the roof.  And I thought bullying was something that kids did in a school yard.  Not in a workplace.  So I write this, to say this.  If you ever partake of "corporate bullying" - you are no better than a child in a schoolyard.  In every environment that I have ever worked in - people discuss business like people.  Intelligently, calmly, with action plans in place. To me, that seems to be the right way to do it.  Never is public humiliation, or bullying an acceptable plan.  Ever.

So I am writing this, hoping to change one heart.  Just one.  If someone reads this who believes that is a proper form of business - reevaluate.   You will never gain the respect of other people, by public shaming.  Because guess what?  Not one person will be on your side.  Every single person will feel for the person visibly shaking and trying to maintain a businesslike composure.  That is the people who are classy - the ones when provoked - who stood firm.  I don't know if I could do the same.  To be honest, I am sure I couldn't.

And if you have experienced bullying as an adult or child - remember - It is not you.  They have something, within themselves, to where that is the only way they feel powerful.  And if you can keep from screaming, feel bad for them.  I wish I could say I feel bad for them - but not yet - I am still mad.

I'm ending this with a video of my vacation - because it was awesome - and remember what relaxing and being thankful is about.  And remember - you never know what someone is going through - use your words carefully.

A blessed Vlog!

He has now been gone for 4 years....

I had a post written previously, that I was gonna post today.  But, on my drive home - I changed my mind.  So if it seems like it rambles, I apologize in advance.  I had the benefit of telling a guy I worked with today, about Shaun.  Telling him that today was the anniversary of his death.  And he, in turn, told me about his friend Sean, that had passed awhile back.  And he said to me, "I view death differently.  Although it is sad that they are gone - I look at it that at least I had the opportunity to know this person."  And as he said that, it stung my heart.  It made me take a different turn.  And I am so thankful I had those years with Shaun.  I really am.  That being said, today still sucks.  This day reminds me of the fear, pain, stress, shock, and deep throat sadness I felt that day.  I hope it gets better as time goes on, but as I have previously stated, I am not a fan of June 23rd.

On my drive home, I thought about that - blasting my iPod in the background.  And I thought about the changes that I have made in my life since he is gone.  I have done things I never would have thought possible.  I have spoken in front of crowds.  I have started a blog.  A website.  I have helped people.  I have worked my fingers to the bone.  I scrimped and saved.  I struggled.  I was a pit bull, fighting for her pups.  My relationship with my children morphed into something I never knew it could.  I never knew - the level of passion and protection I could have for them.  I thought I knew before, but I had no idea.  I am proud of the woman I have become.

But, that being said - there are some bad that came with it.  I am much more callous. I am much more choosey over what I will shed my tears over.  I can be vicious.  But at the same time, I still can cry when someone else is sad.  I guess, sometimes I can play down others issues, because they weren't as dramatic as mine.  But I am working on that.  I want to help people be happy.  I want people to love like there is no tomorrow.  I want them to know what I know - without the journey to go with it.

So here is what I am trying to say.  Shaun Greenberg, You changed my heart, mind, and soul forever.  I love you.  I always will.  And I will make you proud.    I promise that.  So, below, I am posting a song.  I love this version.  Listen to it - all the way through.  I feel like the first part, is me.  The second part, is what Shaun would sing back.  I knew the first time I heard this - It strung a chord in my heart.  I didn't realize until today - why.  And if you wanna know how I feel - that nails it.  100%. I can't write it down any better than he can sing it.

What's with the Bad Vibes, Brah?

******Disclaimer - this didn't happen today.  I wrote this a few days back... Just wasn't sure if I wanted to publish it or not - because it makes me look quite damaged.  LOL!******


So, today - I have experienced rage to the Nth degree.  And, as I drove home - with my temper flaming, I realized something.... So here we go.

Picture it.  Meeting a few people for the first time.  A friends of one of my best friends.  I'm kinda nervous.  I am going into a place where I know very few people.  But - I'm friendly, right?  OF COURSE!  That's my thing.  My mom says, me and my dad have never met a stranger.   And that's true.  I get there, and everything was great!  I met everyone, thought everyone was so nice, so friendly.  Everyone was easy to talk to.  I left with a smile on my face, thinking it was a good time.

And then, BOOM!  One of the people there, a female, said she got a "bad vibe" from me.  WHAT!?  I mean...... WHAT!?  We talked.  We laughed.  We ate.  I helped her carry her packages.  She told me about her trip and hometown.  I mean, the chances of me seeing this person again - Is close to zero.

But when I heard this - it wrecked me.  And I use the term wrecked - because that's the best way I can describe it.   I felt myself bow up.  I felt the wind leave my lungs.  I was ready to fight.  I have not felt that way in years.  Let me rephrase that, decades.  And there it was.  Fighting, blind rage.  I felt like I could punch my fist through a wall.  And to be honest - my heart rate is still a little high.

So, I am driving home from work, listening to Pink(Because that's my 'go to' rage music), an trying to figure out what kind of 'vibe' - I could have possibly been giving.  And then it hit me, right around track 7, that it's not me - it's her.  I was fine, happy, and myself.  And if she doesn't like that - that's cool.  I began to feel myself calm somewhat.  I'm not gonna lie - not a lot - but somewhat.

Which then led me to think about, why did I react the way I did?  How did the girl with bad self-esteem, anger issues, and insecurity resurrect herself by one phrase.  I mean, I thought that hot mess was long gone.  And by a person that I met for 2 hours - and will probably never see again?  Crazy, right?  I know.  Add that to my list of things I need to work on.

But here is the difference between 10 years ago and now.  Within one hour, I recognized it's not worth  my emotion.  Any of it.  That being said, it still hurt me.  It's stupid, I know.  But I am just being honest.   I truly believe that energy is completely contagious.  You are gonna catch what's around you - positive and negative.  So watch what you put out there.  It just might really hurt someone more than you know.

And I hope, one day, this lady stumbles across the blog.  And maybe she will know it was her - maybe not.  But consider the things you say - and if it isn't positive or constructive - think before you speak.  Until that day... Thanks for giving me an awesome blogpost and giving me some awesome creativity fuel.  I recognize I am still a work in progress.  But I like myself.  Each day - I wake up and look in the mirror, and I smile back at myself.

My Favorite Things this April!!!!

A little Vlog about my favorite things right now!!  Little things that help me find my inner princess.