Yes, as of 9:44 PM - I have 5,441 photos on my camera roll.

It's funny, in a an absurd type of way - but it's true.  I bought an iPhone 6 plus, one year ago.  It's the one with 128 mb.  And you want to know why I bought it? Because the level of storage for photos was so high.  I have two obsessions.  One is music, the other is photos.  An iPhone - well provides both.  That is, as long as you have the memory for it.  So when it came out - I was on it.  There was nothing I hated more, than getting ready to take a picture, and my phone stop me.  The phone would tell me, I needed to delete a picture to take another picture.  Did this phone know what it was asking me to do?  How do I delete a moment, to create another?  What if I didn't save it?  Needless to say, it was drove me nuts.  And you want me to delete a song?  No.  'Nuff said.

I had a conversation with one of my bosses this week, about iPhone Vs. Android.  He asked me why I loved the iPhone, although he has one.  I told him the above.  And he said, "You really take that many pictures?".  Yes, I do.

So this weekend, I looked through them.  And didn't delete any.  But I did notice this. Photos tell such a story, that we might not remember.  Photos tell the truth.  They show happiness, sadness, and absence.  They capture moments that we forget.  They an often show how you feel, even when you didn't realize you felt that way.  I saw a photo of me and Jacoby - and he was squeezing my neck, from behind.  I remember, that I felt so thankful.  In that moment - I felt teary.  And I posted it on Facebook and Instagram - and no one knew I was teary in the picture.  But I remembered when I saw it.  After everything I have been through - I was thankful.  And completely at peace with those little hands around my neck.  I was okay with the hand I had been given.  Because, although it was a horrible road - God got me to where I am at today.

Photographs can show you things you can't see through your own eyes.  Maybe you can't see how beautiful you are.  How great you look when you laugh.  Sometimes, Looking at a photo - can tell you more than you thought you ever knew.  So, keep your photos.  Save them - and let's be a little different.  Print some out - hang them on your wall.  Keep your amazing moments in your foreground.  I posted a quote a few months back on Facebook, I believe, and it said, "Photographs seems unimportant, until that's all you have left."  For some parts of my life, photographs are the only proof it existed.  But for now, in my current life, photographs show me how lucky I am.

Have a great night.  Xoxo.

Let brotherly love continue.  Hebrews 13:1

BREAKING NEWS!!!!! I am a crap magnet!

Now, I know that mommy just cringed when she read that title.  So first - Mommy, I apologize.  Publicly.  But - I am a poop magnet just didn't seem to be much of an attention getter.  But this is important - so I feel that it's important to catch some attention.  Over the past two weeks, I have done a lot of soul searching.  And for anyone who has ever done that - it is absolutely brutal.  I'd like to say that it's a beautiful and awakening experience, but fact of the matter - it blows.  And here is what I discovered.  I am a crap magnet.  And why?  Because I have been a negative, disobedient, and self serving Christian.  And not a very good Christian at that.

We all know - that for some time - I have talked about how I knew my calling was to write.  And I needed to write to get a message out.  Well guess what kiddos!?  Now forgive me for sounding like the old, southern, Christian Grandma - but when you know what you are supposed to do - the devil is gonna try to stop you.  And that he did.  And here is what is so shocking to me.  Well, first - I let him, to an extent.  Second, how he did it.  But since they are rolled into one - here is the story.

And before I say anything- let me state that this is my issue.  Not the company that I work for, nor the people I work with.  But I do have a difficult job, to an extent.  As I am sure that we all do.  I deal with people in a really bad moment of their lives - wrecked cars.  Ninety-five percent of the people I deal with, have had something bad happen to either their first of second largest investment.  And my job is to make sure their cars gets fixed correctly, in a timely fashion, or total them.  Frankly - all of them are hard for folks - just as it would be for me.  But, here's the kicker - I need them to LOVE me.  Not like me - LOVE me.  And for the most part they do.  Which is great, right?  I am a hard worker.  I love my customers.  I love the people I work with.  So what's the problem?

The problem is that it became an obsession for me.  I wanted to be the best.  I wanted the approval of all my customers.  I wanted to be the best adjuster.  Not because it was the right thing, because I wanted to be the best.  And then here is the kicker.  I let everything else go to the wayside.  I stopped writing my book.  Why? Because I was bitter.  I was angry.  I was sick of people being mad over a car - but acting like I cared.  I have that feeling often, of this - "You think that a wrecked car is bad?  I don't care that it has 11 miles on it.  I found my husband dead in a bathroom floor.  This car isn't a problem.  It's a hiccup."  But, in the sugary sweet voice, I tried my best to care - deep down.  But guess what - I didn't.

Don't get me wrong - I do want to make the process easy for people.  But then I want to make my bosses proud.  I want to get great numbers.  And I obsessed about it all.  I didn't go to work, and put in a good day's work, doing the right thing, and then go home.  I worked 60 hours a week.  I worked at work.  At home.  Driving to and from work.  I talked about it all the time.  And it made me bitter.  So, I became a crap magnet.

I read this weekend, that you when you complain - you become a crap magnet.  I complained.  About my stress.  My customers.  My bosses.  Their expectations.  The whole nine - so guess what?  I got a lot of complaints back.  Because misery loves company.  And when you start complaining to folks - they do it back.  So not only am I carrying my junk around - I am carrying theirs too.  So - as of yesterday - that's all done.  No more complaining.  I am planning on my exit to pursue what I love and know I need to do.  I am gonna blog more. Focus on my book.  Get it done  - It's 80% done anyway.  I am gonna be happy - change my attitude - and no longer be crap magnet.

Never Surrender. Yep, I am gonna quote Tupac.

May 2nd would have been Shaun's 33rd birthday.  My heart always feels heavy when I hear the word, May. Anyone who knew Shaun, knew he loved his birthday.  Another reason we were a great pair.  We loved our own birthdays.  It's like your own little personal holiday.  Started the day with breakfast in bed - or restaurant of his choice (depending on his mood).  Then we would go and get his birthday present.  Followed up with a family dinner out - and normally friends coming over that evening.  He loved his birthday.  So, every year - on his birthday - my heart feels heavy.  Sad for him.  Sad for the loss of him.  Sad for everyone that knew him.  Sad for me.  And it's a weird feeling - being sad.  There is a level of guilt that comes with that sadness once you have continued with your life.  And thankfully - my husband is a rockstar.  He gets it.  He knows that just because I am sad for Shaun- doesn't mean I love him less.  It's a situation that  I never thought I would be in.  And I am still stumbling through it.

This was the worst year so far.  On Thursday, May 1st, my sister-in-law and I were at a Charity event with some friends.  The salads had just been served when I noticed her take a phone call and walk out.  She comes back in literally about 4 seconds later - and says, "I need you - come on."  So I got up and left.  We walk away and go to the restroom area - and she turns with her eyes welled up with tears and tells me, "David is dead."  And something bizarre happened to me.  My insides felt like they were turning to stone.  David, is my brother-in-law.  My husband's brother.  I had never met him.  But, there was an unfortunate accident where he was living, and it was completely unexpected.  We know we are going to have to tell our husbands, but we don't know how.  Finally we call - and get everyone to the house.  And by this time - my insides were completely solid.

My husband's youngest brother - he is a fixer.  And so he was on it.  My husband - was in total shock.  And all I knew to do was hug him - and let him cry.  And then try to figure out the logistics.  Make sense of it all.  Research it all.  And then do whatever needed to be done.  I knew my job was to be the one who when someone says, "Go get a chicken and taco sauce, "  - I am gonna be the girl who gets it don't ask why.  I never realized how much those people helped me until after the fact.  But inside - I was stone.

Until Friday.  Shauns' birthday.  At about 10 o'clock.  I went to work that day.  Due to catastropic events in the panhandle - our team at work was short - so I needed to go in and finish some stuff.  Especially, not knowing what the next week was going to hold.  I walk out into the tow yard, and I am staring at a car.  And I hear one of the people walk up behind me - but I refuse to look at them.  He says, "You ok?" - and my insides began to shake and melt.  And tears started pouring.  And I began to ugly cry.  Shaking all over ugly cry.  And he looked shocked - but shut up and hugged me.  And let me cry.  And never questioned why.  I thought, "Why am I crying like an idiot?  It wasn't my brother - and I didn't know him.  Don't be the dramatic person, who is all overwrought.  Buck up girl, and handle it."  So I did.  But I was still confused as to my hugely emotional outbreak.

So for the past 2 days, I have also tried to figure that out.  Because after my 4 minute breakdown - I was solid again.  So I started writing down the random thoughts in my head - and here is what I came up with.  My heart was broken.  Broken for my husband.  My brother in law's.  My sisters in law.  My nieces and nephews.  I might not have known him personally - but my heart was broken for all the people I do love.  That I do know.  I know, all to well, the pain that they are going through and that they will go through.  I know how much their world is rocked.  I know their lives have a new dividing point - Before David died and After David died.

So, I wanted to buy them a book.  A sweet friend of mine gave me the book, "Tear Soup", when Shaun died.  It's a children's book - but it was exactly what I needed.  But, I thought, maybe there is something more appropriate for grown men losing a sibling.  There is not.  There are more books about losing a pet than there are about a sibling.  And then I cried again.  Two reasons this time.  And I finally figured out why.  
1.  I cannot imagine losing my sister.  I have had her my whole life.  And even thought we live super far away - there is a level of comfort of knowing she is there.

2.  This - the here and now - is their new normal.  And it sucks.  And it 's painful.  And it will get better - but it will never go away.

And here is something to think about - there is nothing out there for siblings.  And that shocks me.  Your siblings are the people that are supposed to be with you through everything.  All the hardtimes.  Your parents are not supposed to outlive your siblings.  It doesn't seem natural.  You prep yourself for the fact that your parents and grandparents will die one day.  Not your brother or sister.  Your siblings have been there for all you successes and failures.  They have seen you at your best and your worst.  You tell your deepest secrets to you them - and even if you don't tell - they know it anyway.

"Death is not the greatest loss in life.  The greatest loss in what dies inside while still alive. Never Surrender." - Tupac.   And I believe he nailed it.  Everytime you lose someone - and piece of you dies inside. That is the biggest loss of all.

And the loss of your sibling will remain with you the rest of their lives - just like they were supposed to.

Words are my only outlet.

Tonight my papaw passed away. And to be honest, it makes me feel all weird and conflicted. I didn't talk to him often - I haven't lived in the area for 15 years or so. But he was my papaw. My daddy's dad. My roots. The man who has been my constant in this world - he is the reason he exists. And now he is gone. 

My papaw was a Christian. Is a Christian, I should say. He too, is now in a whole new body. Rejoicing with his bride. Celebrating their reunion. But we are here. Behind. Trying to feel that joy, but feeling sad for ourselves. 

I have cried more than I thought I would. He lived a long life - he buried two wives and two children. He was almost 96. His birthday was next week. We were both are virgos. I just realized that we had that in common. I don't know why I didn't know it sooner. That just made me smile. A little bond I just realized existed. A little present from him, I suppose. 

Papaw was always a funny man to me. He was tough. Rugged. Intimidating in a way. He had a loud voice and smelled like chewing tobacco. He always called my daddy, "Son".  I still think that it still so sweet. 

One of my best memories of being a kid is driving to papaw's house- just me and daddy. And it seemed like it took forever. You drive down a four lane road. To a two lane. And then one? And then a gravely road. We would park on the gravel road - walk through a field- and then you were there. And daddy would tell me stories about when he was a little boy. And I would sit on that porch- In southwest Virginia - and try to see my daddy being a kid- and papaw being a young man. 

Papaw had hogs. Cats. Dogs. Horses. Cows. And a plethora of all of them. His house was an adventure.  And he would grab any animal and show it to you. No fear. He was something else. 

I know this is rambling. I just wanted to get it all out. And thank God for making Worley Horne my papaw, and making sure he let us know he was a Christian. Thank you papaw. For being you. For giving me the memories that are woven in my mind. For making my daddy such an amazing man. And for being you. I will always love you. I always did- even when miles separated us - heaven will be our meeting place. Ill see you again one day. Kiss everyone for me. 

And, (my family will get this), I am not fat as a toad. I love you papaw. Heart and Soul. 

• Revelation 21:4 “He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.”