You don't have to live forever, you just have to live.

Tonight, I am feeling kinda somber.  Yesterday - was my grandmother's 103rd Birthday.  And I know - It is amazing that she has lived to this age.  But to be honest, she isn't doing good at all.  I spoke to my mom yesterday, she has double pneumonia.  She is bed ridden.  She doesn't know where she is at - or who is with her.  She sometimes thinks that my mom, is her mom.  She is calling out for her own parents.  She is mostly blind.  It's just completely sad.

And what makes me feel so sad - is that she has lived.  And it's okay for her to go.  I am totally at peace with it.  I don't know if it is that I am hardened, and I worry that I am.  But I honestly feel like she has lived a long life - and she is now only existing.  She isn't living.  My grandmother, as I know her, has been gone for a little over a year.  This woman, now, isn't the woman I knew growing up.  My grandmother, would eat chocolate fudge cake and mix it with a peanut butter sandwich.  My grandmother, would go through pictures with me on her couch - and tell me about the things I did when I was little.  My grandmother put up her Christmas tree  way too early - just because she thought it was pretty.  This woman, in the nursing home, is just what is left of who she used to be.

You know, although I thought for awhile I would die myself when Shaun died, I didn't.  When he died - he was full of life.  He lived every, single, solitary moment - up until he died.  I can't imagine what my mom is going through - seeing someone she loves - just not there anymore.  I am so thankful I never saw that.  So my heart hurts for her, too.

It will probably be any day - and I pray it's sooner rather than later.  That makes me feel awful to say - but it's honest.  She just isn't who she was.  She has lived - and has a legacy behind her.  I just hope she knows how much we love her - and it's okay for her to go.  She doesn't have to live forever, we will be okay.

Words are my only outlet.

Tonight my papaw passed away. And to be honest, it makes me feel all weird and conflicted. I didn't talk to him often - I haven't lived in the area for 15 years or so. But he was my papaw. My daddy's dad. My roots. The man who has been my constant in this world - he is the reason he exists. And now he is gone. 

My papaw was a Christian. Is a Christian, I should say. He too, is now in a whole new body. Rejoicing with his bride. Celebrating their reunion. But we are here. Behind. Trying to feel that joy, but feeling sad for ourselves. 

I have cried more than I thought I would. He lived a long life - he buried two wives and two children. He was almost 96. His birthday was next week. We were both are virgos. I just realized that we had that in common. I don't know why I didn't know it sooner. That just made me smile. A little bond I just realized existed. A little present from him, I suppose. 

Papaw was always a funny man to me. He was tough. Rugged. Intimidating in a way. He had a loud voice and smelled like chewing tobacco. He always called my daddy, "Son".  I still think that it still so sweet. 

One of my best memories of being a kid is driving to papaw's house- just me and daddy. And it seemed like it took forever. You drive down a four lane road. To a two lane. And then one? And then a gravely road. We would park on the gravel road - walk through a field- and then you were there. And daddy would tell me stories about when he was a little boy. And I would sit on that porch- In southwest Virginia - and try to see my daddy being a kid- and papaw being a young man. 

Papaw had hogs. Cats. Dogs. Horses. Cows. And a plethora of all of them. His house was an adventure.  And he would grab any animal and show it to you. No fear. He was something else. 

I know this is rambling. I just wanted to get it all out. And thank God for making Worley Horne my papaw, and making sure he let us know he was a Christian. Thank you papaw. For being you. For giving me the memories that are woven in my mind. For making my daddy such an amazing man. And for being you. I will always love you. I always did- even when miles separated us - heaven will be our meeting place. Ill see you again one day. Kiss everyone for me. 

And, (my family will get this), I am not fat as a toad. I love you papaw. Heart and Soul. 

• Revelation 21:4 “He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.”