The Crap that I Lie about.

Well, I guess I feel like owe you an explanation for last night’s video.  It was surrender and defeat.  That’s it.  That sums it up.   Today, though – is a new day.  And who knows?  I might be crying on Facebook later.  But hopefully, I won’t. 

You wanna know what is different this morning compared to last night?  Well, I can tell you what is the same.  My kid is still trying me. Well, in his defense he is still asleep – but you get what I am saying.  My bills are still ever present.  Health issues – exact same.  The difference is my mindset, for now.  That being said – that can change, too.  But hopefully, today – I kill it. 

I got a lot of direct messages last night, and some comments that you all can see.  And my whole goal in that video was just to let one person know they aren’t alone.  Because, tbh, scrolling facebook – I felt like the biggest loser on the planet.  Especially the day after Easter.  I saw the beautiful families in beautiful matching clothes.  Having beautiful family dinners.  And don’t get my lying – I even saw my own family having a beautiful dinner in Tennessee – but I can’t afford to travel home every holiday and I live a million miles away – and I chose that.   It made me happy but also jealous.  And yes – I don’t care what anyone says – you can have both emotions.  My therapist said so.  LOL!

And then, I looked at my own page.  And guess what I saw.  A beautiful family.  Having a beautiful family brunch.  And based upon my scrolling – we looked absolutely perfect and picturesque.  On the outside, it looks like we are happy, and killing it.  And we are happy.  And we are killing it.  But, here’s the freaking truth.  We struggle.    I struggle as a mom.  I question if I am a good one.  I have guilt when I just want to sit alone.  That guilt comes from me working. But I have to work, to keep a roof over their head...  I could go on and on with that alone.

I struggle financially.  I am a one income household and I got three kids.  To anyone with kids – nuff said, right?  At times, I wonder if I will ever be financially sound.  If I will ever not have that worry of money.  Today, with the sun out and shining down – I know that this is just a moment – and it will get better. 

I struggle with myself worth.  I struggle with admitting what my dreams are.  I struggle with the fear of people making fun of me, if I tell them what my dreams are.  And for those people who say, “I don’t care what anyone thinks” – LIAR!  LOL!  We are biologically designed to care what other think.  But I want to write and speak.  I want to let people understand how valued they are.  I want to help.  I want to change the world.

I also want to be healthy.  I want to travel.  I want to be married one day – madly in love with my guy.  I want romance.  I want to make it a full day without crying.  Or worrying.  Or questioning myself. 

I say all this to just say.  I feel you.  It isn’t easy.  So here is what this woman lies about. 

My lies: I'm fine.  Everything is great.  And sometimes, that is just false.  Not always - but sometimes.  Sometimes, I just want to cry and say "Today is freaking crap - My kid is being a jerk - I feel alone and overwhelmed - I'm sick of being sick... etc."  But I don't say it.  But now, I am gonna start.  Because guess what ?  My tribe, my closest, my people - all said - "You can tell me anything.  I understand.  I'm here.  What do you need."  Also they said, "I feel that way too sometimes.  It's a season.  We will get through this.  You are doing amazing."  It helps.  Telling people helps.  Telling you helped.  Writing this helped.  (And just so you know, I didn't fake cry in that pic.  That's real tears, that I sent to my friend, because they were leaving.  Those were real tears. LOL!)

It’s okay to be vulnerable and have fears.  You know what makes it even better? It’s when you are brave enough to admit it to yourself, and your loved ones.  Because then, you start to see a shift. 

So, thanks guys – for everything last night and today.  Who knows.   Maybe this is the start of something amazing. 

Feelings aren't Facts.

*Disclaimer – this was written almost a month ago.  I just wasn’t sure if I wanted to post it or not.  But, today – I thought someone could benefit from it.*

I hope this helps someone today.

Too much to get into all the details – but today – I felt unappreciated.  It’s one of those things where it was weighing on my mind and heart.  Where you feel your heart, like are actually aware of the organ in your chest.  Swallowing seemed difficult.  And I felt like the weight of the world on my shoulders and wanted to cry.  

And then,  it hit me.  I am doing what I can.  And I don’t need the outside approval of others to confirm that for myself.  So many people are focused on being  perfect, rich, smartest, best, number one, etc – and I felt like, here I am – trying to make my tribe (and all those related to it) feel  loved and valued.  While trying to productive, perfect, make money, have the best numbers, look pretty, and be noticed and successful. And I don’t feel like anyone cares or appreciates it.  And yes - I just admitted - I care about all the things that I said others focus on.  I am not judging.  I am just saying, I also try to add value and love to those I interact with first.

It hit me.  Stop focusing on feeling bad.  Focus on the fact that you are alive and happy.  Realize that not everyone is always going to behave the way you want them to.  And just because they don’t – doesn’t mean that they don’t care.  It just means – that they might be going through their own stuff.  They might not feel like they need to acknowledge it.  And honestly, why do I expect acknowledgement?  Shouldn’t I be doing it – because I mean it, I love them, and I want the best for them - with no level of expectation back? 

Absolutely.  Sometimes, things can get so overwhelming for me – I feel like I can’t breathe.  I have worn my emotions on my sleeve for years – but one day, I started choking them down.  And just because I choke them down – doesn’t mean that they aren’t there.  They just aren’t seen as visibly to everyone.    So, to everyone who tells me how strong I am – thank you.  But the only real strength I have, is being able to hide my feelings from most people.  

Here is real talk.  I am not that strong.  I am actually pretty weak.  I have basic needs.  I need to be loved.   Valued.  And appreciated.  I get lonely.  I get sad.  I get scared.  I get overwhelmed.  And all of that can happen in under thirty seconds!  Where I feel weaker – is the fact that I struggle with admitting that I am human.  There is a total of about 3 people on this planet who know that part of me.  I am grateful for them - because without them - I'd probably lose my mind.   I don’t admit it often.  But today, I thought – let it rip.  Someone needs to know it’s okay to be human, too.   But while we are being human – let’s extend some grace to our loved ones and let them be human, also. 

Because let's be honest - our feelings aren't facts.

Xoxo.

Kristie

Netflix, Chia Seeds, Om Scarves, and Eyeliner.

It's two days after Christmas.  The ruckus has died down.  The kids are all content - and getting along.  It's remotely quiet in my house.  I am sitting in my bed, watching netflix and youtube, and yes - simultaneously (I'm good like that).  But I kept saying to myself, do something productive.  Don't waste your day.  You need to blog.  So, here we meet again.

Now, when you are completely being lazy - it's hard to think of a topic.  And I just looked around - and realized there is my topic.  This weekend is my topic.  I went to Publix today, to pick up a few things.  One of those items were chia seeds.  It took me forever to find them - but when I did - I felt like I ran a marathon - and won it!  Why?  Because I found them without asking anyone.  So there is one little personal win.

For those of you who know me, I love yoga.  Pitaiyo.  Mediation.  I burn incense.  Yes, I have a touch of hippie, granola kid deep down in my heart.  I have a tattoo of the "om" symbol.  I like to stay at peace and relax.  And throughout my practice, I am able to do that about 80% of the time now.  Yesterday, I went to World Market.  And I found the most amazing scarf.  It's a huge, huge scarf- almost like a blanket - that hangs to my ankles - and it has the "om" symbol on it.  And..... wait for it..... It was on CLEARANCE!  It was like it was meant for me.  So, I roll into Publix, with space leggings, a blank long tank top, and a huge "om" scarf blanket thing draped around me.  Did I look silly? Maybe.  Did I feel fabulous? Definitely....

I have been practicing the winged eyeliner for awhile now.  Today - I nailed it.  Quickly.  Finally.  Like in the amount of time it takes me to put on normal eyeliner.  I can be taught.

I say all this to say - this might seem like a little boring blogpost today.  But, It's a little list of somewhat unimportant wins, but wins - nonetheless.  Take heart in  your little successes every single day.  It might just be the success of sitting down and watching a show on Netflix.  Or completing a blog.  Or having the confidence to wear something that might not be fashionable - because it makes you feel amazing.

So, before the new year begins... Try to find some downtime, and take a minute to love your individuality.  And just be kind.

Xoxo