Feelings aren't Facts.

*Disclaimer – this was written almost a month ago.  I just wasn’t sure if I wanted to post it or not.  But, today – I thought someone could benefit from it.*

I hope this helps someone today.

Too much to get into all the details – but today – I felt unappreciated.  It’s one of those things where it was weighing on my mind and heart.  Where you feel your heart, like are actually aware of the organ in your chest.  Swallowing seemed difficult.  And I felt like the weight of the world on my shoulders and wanted to cry.  

And then,  it hit me.  I am doing what I can.  And I don’t need the outside approval of others to confirm that for myself.  So many people are focused on being  perfect, rich, smartest, best, number one, etc – and I felt like, here I am – trying to make my tribe (and all those related to it) feel  loved and valued.  While trying to productive, perfect, make money, have the best numbers, look pretty, and be noticed and successful. And I don’t feel like anyone cares or appreciates it.  And yes - I just admitted - I care about all the things that I said others focus on.  I am not judging.  I am just saying, I also try to add value and love to those I interact with first.

It hit me.  Stop focusing on feeling bad.  Focus on the fact that you are alive and happy.  Realize that not everyone is always going to behave the way you want them to.  And just because they don’t – doesn’t mean that they don’t care.  It just means – that they might be going through their own stuff.  They might not feel like they need to acknowledge it.  And honestly, why do I expect acknowledgement?  Shouldn’t I be doing it – because I mean it, I love them, and I want the best for them - with no level of expectation back? 

Absolutely.  Sometimes, things can get so overwhelming for me – I feel like I can’t breathe.  I have worn my emotions on my sleeve for years – but one day, I started choking them down.  And just because I choke them down – doesn’t mean that they aren’t there.  They just aren’t seen as visibly to everyone.    So, to everyone who tells me how strong I am – thank you.  But the only real strength I have, is being able to hide my feelings from most people.  

Here is real talk.  I am not that strong.  I am actually pretty weak.  I have basic needs.  I need to be loved.   Valued.  And appreciated.  I get lonely.  I get sad.  I get scared.  I get overwhelmed.  And all of that can happen in under thirty seconds!  Where I feel weaker – is the fact that I struggle with admitting that I am human.  There is a total of about 3 people on this planet who know that part of me.  I am grateful for them - because without them - I'd probably lose my mind.   I don’t admit it often.  But today, I thought – let it rip.  Someone needs to know it’s okay to be human, too.   But while we are being human – let’s extend some grace to our loved ones and let them be human, also. 

Because let's be honest - our feelings aren't facts.

Xoxo.

Kristie

Closing Time....

First of all, if you are reading this blog on a mobile device.... scroll down to the bottom of the page and click the button that allows you to see it as the web version.  And then - sit back and be amazed.  I changed the whole look of the blog - after years of it being the same.  And to you, that might not seem like a big deal - but for me - it's huge.  This blog started as a way to let the world know how I was surviving that day.  Now, it's transformed into much more for me.  It has turned into a way to share my thoughts, feelings, and views.  And that is something I used to be so scared to share.  I didn't want people to think that I was stupid - or tell me I was wrong, a million different fears behind being outspoken and open.

Well boy, have times changed.  While working on changing the look and the name of the blog - I read a lot of my old posts.  And It was funny and eye-opening to see the way I have transformed over the years.  And it also floored me that I have been doing this for YEARS!  How is that even possible?  I have learned so much in the past few years - and I have changed in so many ways.  I guess I had my "coming of age" a little later than most.

So here is what I want you to know about the new look.  And yes - It all pretty much radically changed.  I threw the blog up 7 days after Shaun died.  I wasn't really concerned about how it looked.  It was just a way to breathe.  Now, I want you to see me.  Who I am.  Now.  Because of this wicked journey that I had to go on.  And who I am is this - A girl who has had a lot of heartache and pain - but it has always been out weighed by the love and goodness I have had around me.  My life is not perfect - I have struggles.  But I am blessed beyond measure.  I have people who love me.  Care about me.  And help me daily.  What more can you ask for?

Now, If you haven't noticed - the name has changed, too.  It was "iwillalwaysloveyoushaun.blogspot.com" -- and well, that's a lot.  It's now http://www.princessprophecies.blogspot.com.  Because, that's where I am going.  Onward and upward.  Time to get the book out.  And link it all together.  So here is my first step - I changed the name.  I changed the look.  And I love it.  I hope everyone else does too!!!!!  And I want to thank my techie people who made this happen.  It made me deep down, like in the center of my core, happy.  You didn't have to do it - and I can't thank you enough for doing it anyway.

And here's the thing - It's "closing time" on the old... and like Semisonic, not Third Eye Blind - said, " Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end."  Here's my new beginning on this journey - and I am stoked.  Much more to come.  Love you all.  Xoxoxoxoxo