One month, and one day....

It has been one month and one day.  It has been the worst one month and one day of my life.  Throughout this one month and one day - I have screamed, cried more than what I thought was humanly possible, thought about life, the point of it - and have faced the fear of becoming a single mother to three wonderful kids.  It's scary.  It's surreal.  And I don't know exactly how I am going to do it - but every one keeps saying, "Take one second, one minute, one day at a time."  So that is what I am trying to do.  I think about Shaun every minute.  That hasn't changed at all.  But who I am has changed completely.  I used to want to talk to everyone and anyone - now I feel like I am sorta reclusive.  I don't want to scare anyone with my "widow" story - and trust - I would tell.  I seem to have some form of mouth diarrhea that makes me say it. 
I believe that God has a purpose for me and my kids.  I don't have any idea what it is - or why I must suffer through this to reach his plan - but he does.  And I am waiting anxiously to see what that plan is going to be. I would give anything to be able to do it without this pain.  Just to wake up, this all be a bad dream, and he be beside me.  But - it isn't going to happen.  I am never going to be the same again.  Never.   But how blessed I am to have his memories - and to have his love.  He promised to love me until death do us part.  I just don't think we either one ever thought it would be possible to be this soon.  But he kept his promise - now I have to make him remembered.  Have to.