June 23.

June 23rd is the worst day of the year. Consistently. For the past few years. Sure, I've had tough days. I've felt sick. I've been tired. But June 23rd has a dark cloud over it from sunrise. 

It's weird, when you are a widow, you okay that day over and over. Like how you felt that time of day. How you reacted. What it looked like outside.  Everything is a comparison. Since Shaun died- I have taken the day off of work- mainly because I have been scared to go in. That I would be a basket case. Emotional roller coaster. And I am going to work tomorrow. I am still afraid of all that. But I am gonna do it. I know it would make Shaun sick to think of us sitting around and being sad, but it's hard not to do. 

I am happy. I am healthy. I have an amazing family. Great friends. But- no matter how great and blessed I am - no one experienced what I did. No one knows those feelings. No one knows what I feel to this day. No one should find someone they love - dead. No one. Nonetheless, with kids upstairs. Sleeping. What I thought would be a normal day -- changed my whole trajectory. 

I love my life. I love where I am at in my life. But June 23rd is hard. So- I ask for prayers tomorrow. For strength. And a day where I can remember with more smiles than tears. And try to celebrate the day he got to meet Jesus rather than mourning the day he left us. 

That being said - Happy Anniversary to Heaven, Shaun. You are still loved and missed. 

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=mM0-ZU8njdo&feature=kp#

BREAKING NEWS!!!!! I am a crap magnet!

Now, I know that mommy just cringed when she read that title.  So first - Mommy, I apologize.  Publicly.  But - I am a poop magnet just didn't seem to be much of an attention getter.  But this is important - so I feel that it's important to catch some attention.  Over the past two weeks, I have done a lot of soul searching.  And for anyone who has ever done that - it is absolutely brutal.  I'd like to say that it's a beautiful and awakening experience, but fact of the matter - it blows.  And here is what I discovered.  I am a crap magnet.  And why?  Because I have been a negative, disobedient, and self serving Christian.  And not a very good Christian at that.

We all know - that for some time - I have talked about how I knew my calling was to write.  And I needed to write to get a message out.  Well guess what kiddos!?  Now forgive me for sounding like the old, southern, Christian Grandma - but when you know what you are supposed to do - the devil is gonna try to stop you.  And that he did.  And here is what is so shocking to me.  Well, first - I let him, to an extent.  Second, how he did it.  But since they are rolled into one - here is the story.

And before I say anything- let me state that this is my issue.  Not the company that I work for, nor the people I work with.  But I do have a difficult job, to an extent.  As I am sure that we all do.  I deal with people in a really bad moment of their lives - wrecked cars.  Ninety-five percent of the people I deal with, have had something bad happen to either their first of second largest investment.  And my job is to make sure their cars gets fixed correctly, in a timely fashion, or total them.  Frankly - all of them are hard for folks - just as it would be for me.  But, here's the kicker - I need them to LOVE me.  Not like me - LOVE me.  And for the most part they do.  Which is great, right?  I am a hard worker.  I love my customers.  I love the people I work with.  So what's the problem?

The problem is that it became an obsession for me.  I wanted to be the best.  I wanted the approval of all my customers.  I wanted to be the best adjuster.  Not because it was the right thing, because I wanted to be the best.  And then here is the kicker.  I let everything else go to the wayside.  I stopped writing my book.  Why? Because I was bitter.  I was angry.  I was sick of people being mad over a car - but acting like I cared.  I have that feeling often, of this - "You think that a wrecked car is bad?  I don't care that it has 11 miles on it.  I found my husband dead in a bathroom floor.  This car isn't a problem.  It's a hiccup."  But, in the sugary sweet voice, I tried my best to care - deep down.  But guess what - I didn't.

Don't get me wrong - I do want to make the process easy for people.  But then I want to make my bosses proud.  I want to get great numbers.  And I obsessed about it all.  I didn't go to work, and put in a good day's work, doing the right thing, and then go home.  I worked 60 hours a week.  I worked at work.  At home.  Driving to and from work.  I talked about it all the time.  And it made me bitter.  So, I became a crap magnet.

I read this weekend, that you when you complain - you become a crap magnet.  I complained.  About my stress.  My customers.  My bosses.  Their expectations.  The whole nine - so guess what?  I got a lot of complaints back.  Because misery loves company.  And when you start complaining to folks - they do it back.  So not only am I carrying my junk around - I am carrying theirs too.  So - as of yesterday - that's all done.  No more complaining.  I am planning on my exit to pursue what I love and know I need to do.  I am gonna blog more. Focus on my book.  Get it done  - It's 80% done anyway.  I am gonna be happy - change my attitude - and no longer be crap magnet.

Never Surrender. Yep, I am gonna quote Tupac.

May 2nd would have been Shaun's 33rd birthday.  My heart always feels heavy when I hear the word, May. Anyone who knew Shaun, knew he loved his birthday.  Another reason we were a great pair.  We loved our own birthdays.  It's like your own little personal holiday.  Started the day with breakfast in bed - or restaurant of his choice (depending on his mood).  Then we would go and get his birthday present.  Followed up with a family dinner out - and normally friends coming over that evening.  He loved his birthday.  So, every year - on his birthday - my heart feels heavy.  Sad for him.  Sad for the loss of him.  Sad for everyone that knew him.  Sad for me.  And it's a weird feeling - being sad.  There is a level of guilt that comes with that sadness once you have continued with your life.  And thankfully - my husband is a rockstar.  He gets it.  He knows that just because I am sad for Shaun- doesn't mean I love him less.  It's a situation that  I never thought I would be in.  And I am still stumbling through it.

This was the worst year so far.  On Thursday, May 1st, my sister-in-law and I were at a Charity event with some friends.  The salads had just been served when I noticed her take a phone call and walk out.  She comes back in literally about 4 seconds later - and says, "I need you - come on."  So I got up and left.  We walk away and go to the restroom area - and she turns with her eyes welled up with tears and tells me, "David is dead."  And something bizarre happened to me.  My insides felt like they were turning to stone.  David, is my brother-in-law.  My husband's brother.  I had never met him.  But, there was an unfortunate accident where he was living, and it was completely unexpected.  We know we are going to have to tell our husbands, but we don't know how.  Finally we call - and get everyone to the house.  And by this time - my insides were completely solid.

My husband's youngest brother - he is a fixer.  And so he was on it.  My husband - was in total shock.  And all I knew to do was hug him - and let him cry.  And then try to figure out the logistics.  Make sense of it all.  Research it all.  And then do whatever needed to be done.  I knew my job was to be the one who when someone says, "Go get a chicken and taco sauce, "  - I am gonna be the girl who gets it don't ask why.  I never realized how much those people helped me until after the fact.  But inside - I was stone.

Until Friday.  Shauns' birthday.  At about 10 o'clock.  I went to work that day.  Due to catastropic events in the panhandle - our team at work was short - so I needed to go in and finish some stuff.  Especially, not knowing what the next week was going to hold.  I walk out into the tow yard, and I am staring at a car.  And I hear one of the people walk up behind me - but I refuse to look at them.  He says, "You ok?" - and my insides began to shake and melt.  And tears started pouring.  And I began to ugly cry.  Shaking all over ugly cry.  And he looked shocked - but shut up and hugged me.  And let me cry.  And never questioned why.  I thought, "Why am I crying like an idiot?  It wasn't my brother - and I didn't know him.  Don't be the dramatic person, who is all overwrought.  Buck up girl, and handle it."  So I did.  But I was still confused as to my hugely emotional outbreak.

So for the past 2 days, I have also tried to figure that out.  Because after my 4 minute breakdown - I was solid again.  So I started writing down the random thoughts in my head - and here is what I came up with.  My heart was broken.  Broken for my husband.  My brother in law's.  My sisters in law.  My nieces and nephews.  I might not have known him personally - but my heart was broken for all the people I do love.  That I do know.  I know, all to well, the pain that they are going through and that they will go through.  I know how much their world is rocked.  I know their lives have a new dividing point - Before David died and After David died.

So, I wanted to buy them a book.  A sweet friend of mine gave me the book, "Tear Soup", when Shaun died.  It's a children's book - but it was exactly what I needed.  But, I thought, maybe there is something more appropriate for grown men losing a sibling.  There is not.  There are more books about losing a pet than there are about a sibling.  And then I cried again.  Two reasons this time.  And I finally figured out why.  
1.  I cannot imagine losing my sister.  I have had her my whole life.  And even thought we live super far away - there is a level of comfort of knowing she is there.

2.  This - the here and now - is their new normal.  And it sucks.  And it 's painful.  And it will get better - but it will never go away.

And here is something to think about - there is nothing out there for siblings.  And that shocks me.  Your siblings are the people that are supposed to be with you through everything.  All the hardtimes.  Your parents are not supposed to outlive your siblings.  It doesn't seem natural.  You prep yourself for the fact that your parents and grandparents will die one day.  Not your brother or sister.  Your siblings have been there for all you successes and failures.  They have seen you at your best and your worst.  You tell your deepest secrets to you them - and even if you don't tell - they know it anyway.

"Death is not the greatest loss in life.  The greatest loss in what dies inside while still alive. Never Surrender." - Tupac.   And I believe he nailed it.  Everytime you lose someone - and piece of you dies inside. That is the biggest loss of all.

And the loss of your sibling will remain with you the rest of their lives - just like they were supposed to.

Full-Time Life

Tonight, I was on a training calling with Rodan and Fields.  And before you think - this is an advertisement for Rodan and Fields, It isn't.  (Although it is amazing and you would love it. LOL!)  But, one of my upline leaders, Sarah Robbins, said - "Trade your part time hours for a full time life."  And wow.  That hit a cord with me.  A full time life.  So I started thinking about what is involved in what is currently my full-time life.

First thirty minutes of the day

1.  wake up

2. make sure Tariq is up

3. get ready

4. do my face regimen

5. pack my lunch - if I am on top of it.

6. leave for work.

Next 9 hours or so...

1. get to work

2. run reports

3. look at cars

4. find cars

5. answer phone

6. repeat

Last five hours or so

1.  Leave work

2.  arrive a daycare an hour or so later

3. get home

4. feed kids

5. make sure homework is done

6.  complete any "real job" stuff that hasn't been done.

7. shower

8. put kids to bed

9. do my face

10. sleep

My full time life is not quite what I had envisioned.  I love my job - well, I like my job.  I don't hate it.  But I wish I had more daytime.  I wish that I had more time to blog.  To continue my book.  To be a positive influence in others lives.  I want my full time life to bring joy to people that I meet for just a second.  I want people to understand the gravity of grace that has filled my life.  I want to change the world.  And it's hard to figure out how to change the world - when your day is already filled.  Remember back a couple years ago, where I was pumped - and motivated?  Easy how we can shirk back into complacency.

So here is what I decided.  I will make sure that I am purposely kind - and not in a customer service type of way.  I will work on both my jobs (Day job an Rodan and Fields) with purpose and intent.  I will write everyday - whether on a blog - or even ten more words on book.  I will change the world.  Because I am going to start living a full time life - everywhere I am at. Get ready - I am got my warface on - and it's gonna be a battle of myself.  

It takes guts to be gentle and kind.

That's the truth. I am writing this after pursuing my Facebook feed while watching Lifetime Movie network this am. And here is what I have learned today - and I guess I always knew it - but just kinda realized it I. The forefront of my brain. Men can also be abused. I never really thought about it before.

But here is what I saw. On lifetime- a woman little slapped, pushed, and poured coffee on her husband. All when she was drinking or angry. He never touched her back. He stayed at a point, to where he would walk away. Go for a drive. She would then incessantly text him. Post cryptic Facebook messages to get the world involved on their drama. And one day- she clawed his eye. He restrained her while calling 911. He was the one told to leave. He pressed charges. Filed for divorce. And she was convicted of malicious wounding and domestic abuse. 

And then, I get on Facebook this morning. If you don't have something good to say about someone - don't say anything! Especially on Facebook or Twitter. Especially when you have a child with that person. Those words will never be gone. The negativity that you put out there when you do that- mindblown. And children will make a decision when they get older. Don't make yourself easily look crazy. Don't say bad things about their other parent. I don't care what they did. If you truly love your child - you love their heart more than you love your own vindication. And honestly - you only make yourself look bad. It makes me almost pity the other party. 

In a world of anger, violence, and abuse - don't be a statistic. Whether you are male or female - if you are abused - get out. Being insulted, hit, screamed at, slapped, punched, scratched, and frankly / anything that is demeaning - is not right.  Get help. There is a lot of help out there. 

I will now resign from my soapbox this morning. 

Your welcome. :-)

Yes. I drank the Kool-Aid.

Catchy title, right? I wish I could take the credit for it - but I can't. I am just copying a question that has been posed to me more than a few times over the past 24 hours. And yes. I drank the Kool-Aid. And  if you have no idea what I am talking about - hang on. It's coming. 

First, when I post here - it's to tell a whole lotta people about my life all at one time. So when I started getting questions - I thought - wow. There's a blogpost. So now. Here we are. Now, for those of you who don't know. Yesterday I signed on to be a Rodan and Fields consultant. And if you go to Lifepoint Church in Fredericksburg - you know exactly what that is. It's all over Facebook. So hence - I drank the Kool-Aid. 

But here's what is important for people to know on my side. And my why. Because - I have seen the same things everyone else has. The before and afters. The "woohoo" I love this stuff. And to be honest- I thought it was a scam. Not that my friends from church were scammers - that they were scam-ees (if that is even a word). But then I saw the faces of my friends. Results could not be denied. I knew these people before they used it - and I know them now. People who cried in my arms with me. I've been in their faces. (Kellie, JoDee, and Krissie - I bet your faces are a lot softer now! Lol!). But this wasn't the canned before and after infomercial pics. This was my friends. So I thought.... Hmmm. It works. That's positive. But who gets Into multi-level marketing? SUCKERS! 

Well, that was in October. It's now March. I researched. Considered. Purposely looked for negatives. I researched a model behind Multi level marketing. And then I found out Warren Buffet is a huge supporter - aka pampered chef. And this is what I learned. Multi level marketing is not easy. You don't buy a kit and become a millionaire. You have to invest. Work. Plan. Be intentional. Share. Promote. And to be honest - it is nothing that I don't do every single day. At my day job. So a work ethic? I got that. Believe in a product? I got that too. Control over how much I make? Not so much. Maybe a bit- but not a lot. 

So I came to the realization In about January that it could work. But, I still wasn't sold. I am a huge - I REPEAT - huge skeptic.  And here was what sold me. On February 10- my husband was admitted to the hospital. Gal bladder surgery. Nothing huge - had to have his gal bladder removed. I had mine taken out years ago. But when you have lost a spouse , every sniffle is huge. Every pain is scary. Every fever shakes your core. I stayed with him for four days in the hospital. He came home - and is doing great. But it mentally wrecked me. I was worried about him. ( and I admit - overly worried. I am working on it - praying about it too.) But I was also worried about my job. My customers. I care about my job. My co-workers. My customers. I want everyone to be happy. I don't want to cause them any stress. (Another issue. We all know I've got them.)

Then Jacoby got sick. Stomach flu. Exhausted nights. Shift work of puke and poop. You have been there - I am sure. And then- whole driving to work glossy eyed - I thought, "Make a plan to be home.  Quit saying sideways - I wish I could stay home and make some money. I wish I could. Do it. ". 

Now- my husband has a job. I could quit. He could support us. But I am a widow. And for those widows out there - financial security is an absolute must in our brains - or at least a good few I have talked to. I will always work as long as I am able. I want to be able to contribute signicantly - and be able to support our household alone. You never know what could happen. I am a worst situation kind of planner. I need to be employed for my own peace of mind. And I am laughing as I am reading this - because it sounds like I am expecting catastrophic events to occur - and it's not the case. It's a security blanket. And I love being productive.  That's just me. 

So. There it is In a nutshell. 

A big nutshell. But a nutshell. 

Let's Summarize. 

1.  Thought it was a bunch of bull. 

2. Everyone looks amazing. 

3. Junky business model and would never make a dollar. 

4. Everyone looks amazing!

5.  Whoops - Great model. Just have to work. 

6.  Oh - and I forgot a few. Google it. Accolades. Celebrities use it. (Celebrities also use crack - so that's not what I mean per se - just cut me some slack here.) Stanford Dermatolgists. Used in spas. 2+ year waiting list to see them in Their practice. 

7.  Everyone looks amazing!

And frankly, I love clothes. Makeup. Shoes. Hair. All things loud and noticeable. But - not my skin. I want that pristine. And I hope I can be successful - help others do the same - and help more people look even more amazing!!! 

Love you all!!

www.kristieweinstein.myrandf.com

Send me a message if you have any questions!

The Mismeasure of Man...

Okay, here goes.  And hang in there.  Years ago, when I was in college - I read book called the The Mismeasure of Man, written by Stephen Jay Gould.  Gould was a well known paleontologist and science historian.  He was a Harvard instructor.  Smart guy. But this book discusses biological determinism and it's fallacies.  Explains why the IQ tests were invented.  And it goes into deep detail about how many researchers ideas were swayed by the racist society that they lived in.  It's a tough read - but if you are into science and the like - I loved it.
Now, this is where I am going with this.  When I sat to think what to title this blog, because I can't write if I don't have a title - It kept popping in my head.  So, I thought about how this title - and what I needed to say were related.  And it came to me.  So here we are.  For those of you who know me from VA, and Lifepoint, I am sure you know one amazing woman - by the name of Ryan Major.  This woman has put herself out there publicly - about her struggles with weight and what she has done to get healthy.  She went from 308 lbs - to like 10 ounces.  Not really 10 ounces - but lets make this clear.  This weekend, she is competing in a fitness competition.  Amazing.  Literally amazes me.
Today, she posted a pic from a photo shoot she had.  And let me tell you - she looks gorgeous.  And then --- people started being mean.  A tirade of insults were hurled at her for using photoshop in the pictures.  I could not believe what I was reading.  So then I do what any facebook stalker type would do - I started clicking on the pics of the people posting the comments.  All had makeup on, hair do's, and some attempt and being presentable.  And here's the funny thing - Ryan put on the caption of the photo - there had been some photoshop!  WHO CARES - SHE LOOKS WICKEDLY AMAZING AND HOT!
It gave me rage.  Deep down, pit in your stomach, full out RAGE!  I should feel like I should pray for these people, and I have - albeit half-heartedly.  But whatever happened to being kind to other people?  Is jealously really such an overwhelming factor in people's lives, that they can only downgrade others?  If that's the case - no wonder this world is in the situation that we are in.  If you can't go through facebook and be positive - and happy for the successes you see of others - maybe you should delete your page.  Because that isn't healthy.  Or even normal.  I know, that I only put positive things on my page - or funny - or both.  But if I am having a bad day - I don't post it.  I don't say, "Wow - my kids hate me today."  Why would I post that?  It's personal and it will change.  But if it's positive, I sure do!  I want everyone to see my little successes - my kids successes - my husbands, too.
So what I want to say is this - Ryan Major - YOU ROCK! You are one strong motivator, a friend, and someone I look up to.  You are bold in your faith, your beliefs, and your heart.  You put yourself out in the public, just to help others - and unfortunately - at times it makes you a whipping post.  But thank you for being you.
And let's make the rest of the week - a time to be kind.  Just be nice people.  It's that simple.

If you want to read Ryan's story - check it here.... http://majorsmotivation.blogspot.com/p/about-ryan.html.

Messages from the Grave...

Today is mine and Shaun's anniversary.  It was a long time coming.  I know that if you follow this blog, or know me at all - you know the tumultous relationship we had up until that point, and it was truly a day for celebration.  Jeremey married us on a pier in downtown Fredericksburg.  It was a gloomy morning, and then while the ceremony was going on - the sun came through the clouds, and it was perfect.  It was never on my radar that in less than a year he would be gone.  It was a new beginning.  I felt like I had finally gotten it right.

But God's plan was bigger than mine.  Still is.  And for a reason I will never know - part of his plan was to call Shaun home.  But I do know this, I am loved.  God gave me an amazing man with Scott.  A man who loves me unconditionally.  A man who is not intimidated by my past with Shaun.  A man who is supportive.  Who believes in me.  Who lets me cry when I need to.  Who understands that just because Shaun died - doesn't mean my love for him did.  And he knows that my love for Shaun is not related to my love for him.

As soon as I typed that - I just disagreed with myself.  I am a better wife because of Shaun.  A better mom.  A better friend.  I know how fleeting life is.  I know it's important to love as hard as you possibly can.  I will never let a day go by without telling Scott how much I love him.  And I know that would make Shaun smile.  He would be proud of that for me. Shaun would be so happy at how good Scott is to the kids.  Let me rephrase that - I know that Shaun is happy for that. 

So today is bittersweet for me.  Shaun and I finally got it right - and I am thankful it was better late than never.  I know where Shaun is.  Not a doubt in my mind.  I know that God orchestrated my life to get me where I am right now.  It is absolutely amazing if you sit back and look, and see just how intricate God's plan can be.  And this morning when I got to work, I was thinking about all of that.   And then my message arrived.  And although he isn't here - he still cares. 

I will never feel like the days we had were enough.  There were many things I wish I said.  I have cried 1000x more tears than the words I wished I said.  So I am content.  I am grateful.  And I know that love and peace can surpass death anyday. 

And Scott, Thank you for being you.  And loving me.  Hot mess and all.  I love you.

The heart of my little boy.

I am the mom to a fourteen year old boy, and 10 year old girl, and a three year old little boy.  I love my children in many different ways.  My oldest was my first child, he grew up with me in a way.  My daughter came next, and she is like my little mini me.  And then Jacoby, the baby.  The child that I am in complete awe of, everytime I look at him, because I know just how precious he is.  And I know, after having two before him, how fleeting this time is in his life and to appreciate the moments.

But tonight, I am talking about my oldest.   I have never been a fourteen year old boy.  I can't imagine what that is like.  I have never had divorced parents.  I never lost a parental figure.  I never was a stepchild.  My son, has experienced more in his fourteen years more than I have, in many ways.  And for the most part, he is a well mannered, well spoken young man.  Does he do things that drive me absolutely crazy?  More than you could ever know.  But does he have a good heart? The best.

I am writing this because he has weighed on my heart a lot lately.  I moved him across the country - and he was willing to go.  He started a new school, that is triple in size than the high school that he would have went to, and he went with a smile.  No fear.  His first day of school - he didn't have a schedule.  He went with a smile.  I have never been as strong as that kid.  He has seen more in his fourteen years than many people in the US see in their lives.  He has experienced more pain, and pain of his family, than I ever came close to.  And he still does it with a smile.

So what I am saying, Is I am thankful.  Thankful for the resilience of a child.  Thankful for all that he has taught me.  Thankful for the trips we have went on together.  The adventures we have had.  And I look forward to the many to come.  I have not been the perfect parent, I wish I had.  I have learned a lot with him - and I know that I am a better parent to Bella because of it, and even better to Jacoby.

To be honest, on June 22, 2011 - Tariq was a little boy.  On June 23, 2013 - he was almost a man.  Overnight he grew up - literally.  And he has never been the same.  I think, at times, I have expected a lot from him, because of how adult he can act.  Which makes me sometimes forget, that he is still a kid. Learning.  Figuring things out.

So this post is for my son.  I love you Tariq.  To the moon and back again - and I know I am not the perfect momma.  But you are most definitely the perfect son.  And God blessed me so much by giving me  you.  I love you baby.... More than you could ever know.  And I just felt like you should know it too!

Words are my only outlet.

Tonight my papaw passed away. And to be honest, it makes me feel all weird and conflicted. I didn't talk to him often - I haven't lived in the area for 15 years or so. But he was my papaw. My daddy's dad. My roots. The man who has been my constant in this world - he is the reason he exists. And now he is gone. 

My papaw was a Christian. Is a Christian, I should say. He too, is now in a whole new body. Rejoicing with his bride. Celebrating their reunion. But we are here. Behind. Trying to feel that joy, but feeling sad for ourselves. 

I have cried more than I thought I would. He lived a long life - he buried two wives and two children. He was almost 96. His birthday was next week. We were both are virgos. I just realized that we had that in common. I don't know why I didn't know it sooner. That just made me smile. A little bond I just realized existed. A little present from him, I suppose. 

Papaw was always a funny man to me. He was tough. Rugged. Intimidating in a way. He had a loud voice and smelled like chewing tobacco. He always called my daddy, "Son".  I still think that it still so sweet. 

One of my best memories of being a kid is driving to papaw's house- just me and daddy. And it seemed like it took forever. You drive down a four lane road. To a two lane. And then one? And then a gravely road. We would park on the gravel road - walk through a field- and then you were there. And daddy would tell me stories about when he was a little boy. And I would sit on that porch- In southwest Virginia - and try to see my daddy being a kid- and papaw being a young man. 

Papaw had hogs. Cats. Dogs. Horses. Cows. And a plethora of all of them. His house was an adventure.  And he would grab any animal and show it to you. No fear. He was something else. 

I know this is rambling. I just wanted to get it all out. And thank God for making Worley Horne my papaw, and making sure he let us know he was a Christian. Thank you papaw. For being you. For giving me the memories that are woven in my mind. For making my daddy such an amazing man. And for being you. I will always love you. I always did- even when miles separated us - heaven will be our meeting place. Ill see you again one day. Kiss everyone for me. 

And, (my family will get this), I am not fat as a toad. I love you papaw. Heart and Soul. 

• Revelation 21:4 “He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.”
  

A New Place. A New Time.

So, I have been off the radar for awhile. Been kinda busy. I moved almost 900 miles. Started a new job. Got three kids enrolled in school. Got them adjusted. Got me adjusted.  Unpacked a million boxes. 

In all of this - I realized I have hoarding tendencies. Now, to an extent I am kidding. But wow. I had a lot of junk. Stuff. Things. And while we were waiting for our pod to be delivered - I realized that there are just a few "things" that I really need. Here they are - in order. 

1. Clothes 

2. Flat iron 

3. Makeup

4. Internet 

5. Phone

6. My bed. Oh how I love my bed. Air mattresses stink. I hate them. (And here is just my opinion- but if you are gonna sleep on an air mattress, get one for you and your spouse. There is no point of doing the roller coaster of sleeping in an air mattress. It's worth the extra twenty bucks.)

I mean, I like the amenities of a microwave. A grill. Cable. But the above are things I need. Oops. Adds coffee pot to that. 

But here is something that I got when I moved, that made all that other stuff seem trivial. I got family when I moved here. When my son had a fever- I called my Jolie, to see what juice he wanted. When I need my bed upstairs - Curtiss moved it. 

And tonight, I am laying here with a heavy heart because I want to be there for my daddy and mommy.  Hug them and help them. I know my sister is there - and that beings me comfort. But I worry for them.  I miss my parents. And it seems that has been a constant theme for 15 years. 

But, I also learned this. I have a ton of family in Fredericksburg. And I love them and miss them too.  But - how awesome it will be when I see them again. Just like when I visit my parents. 

I know these thoughts are all random - but it links in my mind. To often, we love new things passionately. When really, if we lived and loved passionately- we would be much more fulfilled and have many fewer regrets. 

There are things I think of even now, that I wish I had said to Shaun. And I never did. I never thanked him for many things. I never told him how I felt about some things. Why? I have no idea. I used to beat myself up over it. I can't do that anymore. But I can change it from this point forward. And that's what I have been trying to do. And what I will continue to strive for. Sometimes I fail, but that just creates an opportunity for improvement, right?

So say what you need to say. Love and hug passionately. Live to the fullest. And cherish every moment. Xoxoxoxox.  Goodnight. 

Good things are brewing...

Just thought I would give you an update.  Good things are brewing in my life.  And I just want to say - It is amazing - If you trust God, lean on him - how he can turn a tragedy into a work of art.   There is not a day that goes by, that I don't think about Shaun.  But now, I can smile.   And I can smile at where my life is now.  I can appreciate just how important every minute is.  And for that I am grateful.  I  am working on a new site... A new project... A new calling, if you will.  So continue to pray for me - and that I can do God's desire for my life - and do it in an amazing way.  I have to say - I can't wait for what he has in store for me.

It's been awhile....And for that I am thankful.

It's been awhile since I posted.... and to be honest - I just haven't had a whole lot to say.  And I am not gonna lie....The song by Staind is where this title came from.  It has been awhile - for a whole lot of things.

By purusing blogs like I do, I have learned a lot.  One is a statistic - and being of the scientific background that I am, I love statistics.  But being a widow at the age of 33 occurs in less than 1% of the population.  Go figure.  I am one to defy all odds.

In the timeframe that he's been gone I have done a whole lot.  I have dwelled upon his death.  I tried to understand it.  I have written extensively about him - just to try to understand.  I have had hours of counseling.  I've renewed my spirit through friendships.  I found someone that I adore and love.  I have grieved in ways I didn't even know that were possible.

Dr. Phil said it takes a defining moment  to make a profound change to occur once you reach adulthood.  Shaun's death was that event.  And I am forever changed.  But I have to say this, and I don't want it to come across crass, but it's true.  I am a better person for it.  I am thankful, appreciative, calmer.  I don't anger as easy.  I make sure that my loved ones know they are loved.  I hug a little longer, kiss more, and try to listen with an open mind.  I cherish life a lot more, and worry a lot less. No one will live on this earth without loss - It's just how you cope with it.

I am not the same Kristie I was before Shaun died.  But, I do believe that I am done with grieving.  I will now cherish the memories with a smile.  Sure, there will be times I cry.  But I want to make those tears of happiness.  Gratefulness.  Because he touched my life in ways that will never go away.  We have a beautiful child , and that alone, is something that I cannot ever thank him enough for.  Although he makes me nuts sometimes, he is one amazing kid.

When Shaun died, my world crumbled.  The whole world felt alien and hostile.  I had a dream where I was in a house with dark wood paneling, and he couldn't speak.  All he did was hold me with tears in his eyes... It was almost like an apology.  I was haunted by that dream for a long time.  But now, I have a future that makes me smile.  I look forward to the future, and all the possibilities that it brings.  I have rebuilt my life - and it doesn't exclude Shaun, but it puts him in a place of happiness - not one of pain.

Shaun would be happy where I am at.  I haven't died.  My children need me.  I need them.  I need Scott.  Losing him taught me that nothing is definitely safe.  So love and be loved.  I am thankful to experience every sensation that I have.  Love, pain, sadness, annoyance - you name it... It all means that I am alive.

My foundation is strong.  I am strong.

And this all came from reflecting on our son's 3rd Birthday.  So, Happy Birthday Jacoby.  You are the sweetest three year old on this planet.  Daddy is your angel up in heaven... and you are my angel here on earth (along with your brother, sister and Scott).

We have eternity - so let's enjoy today.

Pain that never goes away.

This holiday is the hardest this is the one where I remember his huge smile. The most relaxed I ever saw him. The happiest. Playing football in the back yard with his nephews. Helping my daddy chop a tree down. It wads picturesque weekend of happiness. I miss that day. I know he is happy and complete now- but there isn't a day that goes by, that I don't miss him. Not one.

Here I am....

So, this might seem somewhat astute, but the power of God amazes me. And here is what I mean by that. Yesterday at church, my pastor was talking about if you want to hear God speak to you, look at how he has before. Well as he said that, I started talking to God in my head. Mind you, to the average onlooker, I looked deep in concentration on what my pastor was saying, but really, I was having a one on one conversation with God.

Now, if you have read this blog much, you know that I talk to God pretty bluntly. I mean, he knows what I am thinking anyway, so might as well be brutally honest. And it’s kinda funny, everytime I start – I try to start eloquently – but that quickly fails – and I am back to being blunt. And I guess in a way I was accusing him. Asking him, why isn’t it so plain to me like it seems to be for everyone else. I began to rationalize to him – I believe in you, you know that, so can you make this easier? I want to do your will. I don’t know what it is, but I want to do it. Just show me – text me – call me, I promise I won’t tell anyone. (Yep, I really thought that – not schizophrenic, just thought it might be easier, ya know?) I couldn’t understand why it seemed so clear for some and not me.

Then in my head popped up the book, the blog. And I said to him, and I am quoting my thoughts/prayers here “Is this you popping this in my head, because I want to write and blog? Because sometimes I don’t want to. Sometimes it feels like a chore – and I do the ‘I will do it later’. Or is this a gift that you have given me, and I will never be completely satisfied until I do it? I DON’T KNOW! (Yes, I was screaming in my head.) I mean, I have been through a whole lot. Can you cut me a break? I need a break. I need this to be a little easier. A little plainer. “ It went on and on. I blamed him for making me a widow, then thanked him for giving me faith and comfort through it all. I accused and praised – it was pretty intense in my head. I asked him to show me plainly. Something to where I knew it was him, and no one else.

So, I get on facebook – and I have a friend request from someone I don’t know. And then I noticed I had a message from the same someone. And she tells me to read what she put on her facebook wall. And I did. And well, I guess God has a sense of humor- but he spoke loud and clear to me. This sweet woman stumbled upon my blog, and her first line, “I don’t believe in coincidences.” I had discussed that with God earlier. Was all this a coincidence with the writing. Guess he was telling her through me – “Nope. No such thing.” So, Wendy, as ou thanked me for the blog, let me thank you – You helped me. More than you could know. I cry while I write this, because a new peace is found in myself. I know that the creator of the sun and stars, can hear little old me. He loves me. He wants me to obey him, and I am not as insignificant as I sometimes feel. He loves and cares for me individually – and that he has a sense of humor about the whole thing. And he gave me a cross to bear, a story to tell, and I will continue to do it with thankfulness and honor – for the gifts he’s given me. My God is wonderful. I can’t say it enough – loud enough – long enough.