Okay, so here's something I have learned. And I am going to be candid here. And if I am giving too much information - well, that's how I roll. So, here it is. Ready? A cold, a bad outfit, a couple days before your period, a widow, and a stupid comment - can spin me out of control. Into a raging, emotional basket case. When I am sad and upset, I no longer have Shaun to call, where he would say, "Baby, you are being nuts. Relax." Or, "Baby, you are completely right! Just show them how right you are!" Well, I could keep going, but you get my drift. It's about more than I could tolerate today. So today was one of those days where I kept pretty much to myself, lost in my own thoughts. I cried my whole drive home. Not just the normal cry - the straight up ugly cry. The kind of cry where you think that maybe, just maybe - you shouldn't drive, because your tears are making the road blurry. Then, no to avail, I try to pull it together when I go pick up the kiddos. I get home, cry a little. Decide to go the tanning bed - UV rays should give me some vitamin D to perk me right up! I cry the whole way there, then I cry while I am in the tanning bed. Then, I got scared, because I thought, Will the light reflect off my tears and burn where my tear streaks are? (Just for the record, that didn't happen - so I am breathing easy over that.)
So here it is. I am heart broken. Still. Guessing I always will be. Today, I realized a lot of things he did for me. Not the big ones - I had already thought of those. But some little ones - things he did that he probably didn't even notice either. He made me excruciatingly happy. We made each other excruciatingly happy. I thought that was it. I learned this today, too. He taught me to be strong, self-sufficient, adventurous. He taught me to express myself with no regrets. To show my passion for God to others without feeling self-conscious about it. I am learning to be a single mom. And I have found ways, ways that he would use, mixed with ways that I would use - to deal with any problems that we would deal together.
It's strange. It's a new chapter in my life. A chapter I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy - but nonetheless, it's a chapter that has been placed in my life and I have to make sure it has a good ending. There has already been enough tragedies in this book of mine. And I can't crumble and fall now. I am his legacy now. I can't let him down, after all.
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