My poor little girl....

A few days ago, my little girl had to get an "appliance" in her mouth.  It has been horrible every night.  I have to insert a key into this contraption in the roof of her mouth, and twist a key.  It in turn, pushes her upper jaw out - widening her palatte.  It seems painful, and she sobs everytime.  It breaks my heart - like way deep down it breaks it.  Shaun was so good at that kinda of stuff.  He was a consoler.  He could yank teeth, take them for shots, pull out splinters, cleaned scraped knees - and he would have them laughing their heads off in no time.  I don't know how he did that. 
There are times, we it hits me more than others, the level that I  miss him.  I miss him all the time - but there are times I can almost taste the level of lonliness without him.  When I feel like if he was doing this, it would be better.  He would make it better for all of us.  She has been so weepy lately.  I think it's just now catching up with her, exactly what happened and that he isn't coming home again.  And boy, that's hard.  I know it is.  So pray for my little girl tonight.  For her teeth, but more importantly, her heart. And pray for me - that God gives me the words to say to her - to ease her troubled little heart. 

All sorts of families....

You know, nowadays, there are all types of families.  Dysfunctional, nuclear, extended, emotional, and I could go on.  But, I wanna talk about my families tonight.  I have a few.  First, my church family.  During the last few months of my life, my church family has been my rock.  They have carried me through some long lonely days and nights.  And I don't think a bunch of people could be more supportive or endearing if they tried.  I never knew how precious a group could be, and I hope you never have to know how much to cling to them, but wow - if you need them - they are there.
Then my immediate family - daddy, mommy, sister, etc.  Enough said.  Always have been here  - always will be.  I am blessed to have an amazing family by birth.  I know to be thankful for that - so many don't have that.  And then Shaun gave me some rockin' inlaws.  Alan, I know you live far away, but I feel like you are here every time I see that little grin from Jacoby.  He looks like his daddy, who looks like his daddy - and it's awesome.
Second, my friends.  Jacqueline, Krissie, Brooke, and Kelly.  Four females who have stood by me no matter what.  All hours of the day and night - they are there.  I can't even describe the love and support they gave - and to try to do so, would just do it an injustice.  It really would.  So, just know - they were/are amazing - and haven't swayed.  At all, not one second.
Third, my work family.  I haven't talked in my blog much about where I work - but tonight - I am busting it out.  I work for GEICO.  I was an Auto Damage Adjuster.  My co-worker, my supervisor, and my manager - they were amazing.  This a company, with a ton of employees, where frankly, I didn't expect them to cater to me or help me - and they definitely did.  They moved me to a position that helped me sooooo much - made my life easier for my kids, and me.  They definitely didn't have to do that.  And now, I work with some amazing people.  They make me laugh daily.  And smile when I think I can't.  And I adore each and everyone of them.
So, I guess I am saying this - who is to say what makes a family?  I have a ton of different types.  And I love each and everyone of them.  And I feel like God orchestrated each and everyone of these individuals in my life, because he knew when and where I would need them.  And maybe, just maybe, they need me too.  I can only hope.  So guys, I love you.  All of you.  And all of you know who you are.  And my Shaun loves you - for putting a smile on my face, carrying me through, and helping me keep my head up, when I think I can't .  You have all made me a better person.  And I love each and everyone of you.  So much.

Good day... SUNSHINE!

I got asked a fabulous question tonight.  I loved it even.  And that's why I am so late writing my blog - I was talking to a blog reader....  (And yes, It was kinda weird and stalker like, because I never met them - but after the fact, it was quite cool!)  But here is a question I was asked....  "How in the world are you so positive 95% of the time.  I would think it would be the exact opposite."  Well, I had never thought of it that way.  Cause, to be honest, I would say that I can be quite the "Debbie Downer".  But, I thought, and I do laugh at work.  I try to make jokes.  I genuinely love and cherish the life God has given me.  Have I been through some horrible times?  Obviously.  Are some days better than others?  Of course.  But, I have God and assurance - so how else can you really act?  I am positive.  Positive of many things.  And albeit, I have bad moments - for the most part - I know I am going to rock this.
A few days ago, I straight up freaked out on a friend of mine.  Acted like a complete crying and bumbling moron.  But it's over with.  No point in dwelling on it.  I am gonna keep moving forward to my goals, my life.  And each day I am on this planet, I smile - because it's one day closer to seeing my love.  And that will be glorious.  So that's something to be thankful for, too.  I read somewhere when a guy was asked about how he was optimistic he said, "Well, that's just the color of the sky where I live."  That sums me up.  That is just the color of the sky where I live.  Every once in a while, there's a few dark clouds, but for the most part - It's gorgeous - and I can see a light on the horizon.... That's my baby with his arms out - letting me know that he is there waiting... And to enjoy the view - until he can hold me and enjoy it with me.
This is the color of my sky.....

Adele.

Wow.  Powerful singer.  I have been obsessed with her music today, since my daughter told me she felt powerful while singing with her.  And her lyrics are gorgeous - and deep.  I love it.  But, as I am listening - I laugh, because I think of my sweet girl.  And, I realize this.  I might not have the answers as to who I am without Shaun - but I don't guess I really have to know.  I will figure it out as I go along.  There is no timestamp on it.  No one is pressuring me to make it work right now.  So, I am going to go peacefully along - at least until my next mega breakdown - and listen to music, play with my kids, and be thankful.  God has given me so much - but he's never taken away.  I have just lost a few of the gifts he allowed me to have.  But I will enjoy the gifts I have today - and I am going to share one - Here is my daughter's favorite song - that makes her feel powerful....  This one is for you little girl.....

One of the hardest nights of my life...

There are things that make you think.  That make you think really hard.  And from what I have learned, those are the things that you really never wish you had to think about.  They make you think about who you really are deep down, when all the doors are closed and no one is watching.  And here is what I have found out about me.  Yes, it's true, I am strong and tough - and can take hold of things that I never thought I could do.  But, there is that part of me that is painfully lonely.  That is just so sad.  Like the deep down, broken, type of sad.  And that just when you think you can't hurt anymore, something happens - that makes you realize, yep - you still have a  heart, and yes - it can still hurt.  And well, that stinks.  I just wonder, at what point, this thing that I have that is known as a heart, will turn completely to steel, and quit hurting.  I guess it never will.  To have someone that always had your back, no matter what - somebody that you could talk to about anything, and lose that!?  It's almost unbearable.
I have 3 precious kids.  And they are my world.  And I am so thankful for them.  But my goodness, how can you miss someone so much.  I search for him all the time - I really feel like I do.  And tonight, I feel broken.  Just broken.  That's the only word that I know.  I go through my days, and I have two identities.  I am Kristie, the Geico employee.  Then, at 3:30 - I turn into Kristie, the momma.  I have lost Kristie, the girl that Shaun loved.  I don't know where she went.  I miss her, too.  I feel like not only, did I lose Shaun,  I lost a part of me.  And I don't know where she went - and no matter how hard I try - I can't find her.  A big chunk of my happiness is gone.  I just want it back.  That's all.  So, I am gonna cry my eyes out - and see if that helps.  And then I am going to go to bed.  And call tomorrow a new day.  And maybe, just maybe, she will show up tomorrow.  I can always hope, right?

Four months.

Today it has been four months since Shaun died.  There are 100's of different things I could write about.  But I really don't feel like.  All I feel like doing, is just going to bed.  And then, I will wake up - and this day too will have passed.  So, keep me in your prayers.  Good night.

A night to let go...

Tonight, we had a bonfire with my Lifegroup.  And we put on a notecard, the things that we wanted to let go.  Things that we wanted to rid ourselves of so that we can move forward with God's plan for our lives.  And, I had a list.  A big one.  And seeing that box  - in the middle of a fire - going up in flames - was powerful.  And you could really feel the presence of God there.  And it was great to let those things go.  Not just let them go - but really acknowledge them.  And then release them. I have had so many feelings and questions since Shaun died.  And I never wanted to acknowledge them.  I want him home in the worse way ever.  But I realize that he is the one who is home, I'm not.  I have a lot of fear.  Fear that something could happen to one of my kids, my friends, my family.  And it scares me.  A ridiculous amount.  I want to keep everyone close and safe.  And I realize that Shaun was home, and safe - and there was nothing I could do - which makes me feel helpless in a way.  To acknowledge my insane amount of fear and to let it go - or at least acknowledge it - felt like a step in the right direction.  Acknowledgement is a powerful thing, I believe.  I recommend it.  I really do.  So, I wanna say thanks to Lifepoint - for producing the Living the Dream series.  I want to live mine.

Sympathy and Empathy....

Those two words always seemed weird to me.  I always got them confused.  And to be honest, I looked them up tonight - and the definition for empathy isn't clear at all.  I know what it means and all - but it really isn't a true definition.  Tonight, one of my friends from elementary, middle, and high school, lost his wife today from pancreatic cancer.  And my heart literally hurts for  him.  His two little girls.  Like, I feel nauseous - and pained deep to my core.  I know how sad and empty he feels right now.  And I know that nothing that I can say or do can help.  So I pray.  Because that's all that I am capable of doing.  I know that right now they are all in pain.  Can I empathize?  Yes, No, Maybe?  I don't know what it is like to lose your wife.  To be left as a single father.  I know on the wife's side, but not a husband's.

I also can't imagine to watch your loved one die overtime.  He doesn't know what it is like to lose them in an instant with no warning.  And in my mind, they are both equally horrible.  I guess I feel like I am not necessarily sympathetic or empathetic.  I am hurt.  Deep down.  On a human level - on a sister in Christ way.  And it breaks my heart.  I hope Shaun introduces himself to her.  And I am so thankful she is no longer in pain.  Just pray for my friend.  They are gonna have a long road of healing ahead - and as I know - It is a really bumpy one.

An emotional wreck today...

Okay, so here's something I have learned.  And I am going to be candid here.  And if I am giving too much information - well, that's how I roll.  So, here it is.  Ready?  A cold, a bad outfit, a couple days before your period, a widow, and a stupid comment - can spin me out of control.  Into a raging, emotional basket case.  When I am sad and upset, I no longer have Shaun to call, where he would say, "Baby, you are being nuts.  Relax."  Or, "Baby, you are completely right!  Just show them how right you are!"  Well, I could keep going, but you get my drift.  It's about more than I could tolerate today.  So today was one of those days where I kept pretty much to myself, lost in my own thoughts.  I cried my whole drive home.  Not just the normal cry - the straight up ugly cry.  The kind of cry where you think that maybe, just maybe - you shouldn't drive, because your tears are making the road blurry.  Then, no to avail, I try to pull it together when I go pick up the kiddos.  I get home, cry a little.  Decide to go the tanning bed - UV rays should give me some vitamin D to perk me right up!  I cry the whole way there, then I cry while I am in the tanning bed.  Then, I got scared, because I thought, Will the light reflect off my tears and burn where my tear streaks are?  (Just for the record, that didn't happen - so I am breathing easy over that.)
So here it is.  I am heart broken.  Still.  Guessing I always will be.  Today, I realized a lot of things he did for me.  Not the big ones - I had already thought of those.  But some little ones - things he did that he probably didn't even notice either.  He made me excruciatingly happy.  We made each other excruciatingly happy.  I thought that was it.  I learned this today, too.  He taught me to be strong, self-sufficient, adventurous.  He taught me to express myself with no regrets.  To show my passion for God to others without feeling self-conscious about it.  I am learning to be a single mom.  And I have found ways, ways that he would use, mixed with ways that I would use - to deal with any problems that we would deal together.
It's strange.  It's a new chapter in my life.  A chapter I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy - but nonetheless, it's a chapter that has been placed in my life and I have to make sure it has a good ending.  There has already been enough tragedies in this book of mine.  And I can't crumble and fall now.  I am his legacy now.  I can't let him down, after all.

Snuggles...

So tonight, I am sitting in Shaun's chair, with Isabella.  We have sat here, with our legs intertwined, and watched tv.  And it is great.  This is what life is all about.  Cherishing those little moments - as you get them.  I don't have a whole lot to say tonight.  I am just gonna sit here, snuggle, and love on my kiddos.  Do the same.  It's wonderful.

What a night.

I had kinda a rough night.  My sweet and gorgeous daughter gave me the biggest gift ever.  And it was a video of me and Shaun, a video that I never knew existed.   It tore my heart out, and made me smile.  It was a real mixture of emotions.  But I am so happy - happy to remember a sweet moment.  It made me remember how it felt when he put his hand on my head when he kissed me.  It made me remember the sweet look he gave me when he was sad.  It made me remember how blessed I was.  I am.  I miss him so much, there are times where I think I can't even stand it.  Our anniversary is slowly approaching.  I don't know how I will handle that day, and it kinda scares me.  I just want him back in my arms.  With me and loving me.  The way it was supposed to be.  I really really miss him.

Exhausted.

I am exhausted.  I had a big weekend, but the level of exhaustion I have, I don't think it's from that.  Well, completely.  I think that it's just hard being a single mom.  Everything and everyone in your home being 100 % completely dependent on you.  But you know what?  It's okay.  I would rather be tired tonight, and know that I am here for my kids than not.  I can will be rested when I am gone.  So, I am thankful tonight for being sleepy.  I am so thankful to be the momma to 3 beautiful kids.  I am so thankful for all the friends and family around me.  And I am so thankful for the life that God has given me.  I am blessed.  So tonight, i am keeping it short and sweet.  And I am going to bed soon.  But, I just want to say - thank you for being there.  All of you.  And helping me realize daily how amazingly blessed and lucky I really and truly am.

Centurian

So, this weekend, I had to make a road trip to Tennessee.  Krissie, myself, and the kiddos went to Tennessee for my grandmother's 100th birthday celebration.  And it was amazing.  I can't imagine all that she has seen.  As I walked up to her, and looked at her, it was kind of overwhelming to think about all that this one person has seen in her life.  And all the pain, struggles, trials, happiness, and joyous moments she has went through.  She lost her husband 30 years ago.  She has lost a child.  She has lost all her siblings.  She has seen her child lose a spouse.  She has witnessed births of her own children, grandchildren, great grandchildren, and great great grandchildren.  And that is amazing.  And she sat there, and laughed, and talked, and celebrated along with everyone else.  
She is almost blind, and is a little hard of hearing.  Her memory isn't as good as it used to be - but she still has it.  She lives alone.  My mom and aunts check on her regularly - but she is capable of living alone.  And this is the first time I saw her since Shaun died.  And she hugged me and cried.  And she told me she was so sorry - and that she loved him - and how much she loved me.  And she hugged me different than she have had.  She knows that I have hurt immensely.  And she also knows that I will get through it because I have to.  Just like she did.  So tonight, thank God for my mamaw.  And that she touches more people in her life - just like she did mine.  I love you, Mamaw.

And it's done.

Tonight, I laid my Ravens carpet down.  And I have a big sense of completion.  That was one long and grueling project - the Ravens room, that is.  But boy, Shaun would love it.  I believe he does love it.  And my kiddos love it.  I am happy with it.  Big time.

Yesterday, a friend of mine gave me a book called "Tear Soup".  It's actually a children's book - but it got the point across amazingly.  And this room was little bit of me cooking my tear soup.  I cried.  I laughed.  And whenever I want to have a bowl of my tear soup - I have the perfect room to do it in.  And, it beautiful.  At least to me it is.  There's so much in that room.  Behind the paint.  In the furniture.  It's just perfect to me.

Wow, I can't stand a creeper.

Me and Krissie have a word that we use for certain guys.  And the term is "creeper".  A creeper is a broad word, that covers many categories.  The perverts, the married, the faker, the literal creepy guy, you get where I am going with this.  But, my friend is single.  And she isn't looking for a boyfriend, a husband, nothing like that - but she is open also.  Open to like coffee, dinner, etc.  Now this isn't a singles ad for her - so don't make it one, LOL...  But she said something to me tonight, that made me sad/thankful.  And it was this, "It is really hard to keep faith in men these days.  I guess that's why I am not even worried about it."  And she then tells me about a few acquaintances that almost brag about their infidelity to their spouses.  She sees it at every corner.  And then, in like 9 days - she has literally been approached by quite a few married men.  And it's weird.   And not only does she not date married men - but it offends her - as it would any of us.  Because what is that saying about you, the woman, if a man has no problem alerting you that they are married, but still want a date?  And let's not get this twisted, they aren't just married - they are "happily" married.  Like not divorcing, not separated, just well, dating?  That's just weird, so by default, you are now a creeper.  See how it works?  It's like they want a wife and a girlfriend. Like it's a fashion trend or something. That's just rude.  And greedy.  And well, degrading to the  person you ask out.  And her friend, because she is codependent.  That's how we roll.

So here is the question that I pose?  When did this become so mainstream?  When did people openly flaunt such an action?  I don't get it.  I am not trying to judge anyone, I am just posing a question.  And, it breaks my heart for my dear friend.  She deserves a man of her own.  A man that will love her, protect her,  lead her home, provide for her, and be a partner in life with her.   Where did that mentality go?  I want her to have what  I had.  And Shaun and I weren't perfect - by any means - but we were happy together.  I just don't get people.  I really don't.  And maybe, sometimes, I don't want to understand - I'm starting to think that too.