Okay, so here is something weird. I really think God didn't want me to most my blog last night because he wanted me to write about something else.... So here it is. First and foremost, a little back history. Jacqueline and I were talking about faith - and why I believe what I believe. And then I realized something. I don't like the term "believer". Because my faith isn't just something that I believe in - I know it. I know 2+2=4. So, I know what God has done for me. I know how he changed my life. I know how he changed my husbands life.
This past few days have been horrible. I have cried at the drop of a hat. Everything makes me feel extremely lonely. I miss him. He made me feel alive. And I have prayed and cried and prayed and cried. And I am still here - writing this tonight. I have been praying for this - I consider myself in a way an amputee. I have lost a part of me that I will never get back. And although, I might walk around and smile. I might laugh. I sing. I play with my kids. I am never going to be completely whole again. I might learn to live with it - but I am not the same.
But I also know this. God is working all of these emotions, hardships, and trials - to make something beautiful. He needed Shaun. I am not sure why, and I will probably never know, but he needed him. And I know that God hears my prayers. I know he knows how hurt I am, and he wants me to heal as I can. But he is using this. And using me. I have learned things about myself through this that I never knew. I have learned things about God, my faith, that I never knew existed. I have learned sad things, too. Such as, how a holiday doesn't seem like something fun anymore. It is almost like rubbing salt in a wound. I have learned that being the only parent in a house is demanding. I have learned how good my memory is. How a smell, a look from Jacoby, a conversation - can stir up a whole new memory in my mind. And I am so thankful for those. I have a lot in front of me right now. A lot that I am trying to do - a balancing act, if you will. But, please - keep me in your prayers this week. I know I will get through it - I just dread it. And I want you to know, how madly, deeply, and passionately I am still in love with him. I think of him 1000 times a day.
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