Widowed.

What an ugly word.  It kinda looks like the word window if you just glance.  And, I suppose, that could be completely appropriate. When you are a widow you wear your emotions on your sleeve, and everyone can see directly inside your heart - at least it feels that way. But today I took a big step for me - and I changed my Facebook relationship status to "widowed".  I know that is what I am - what I have been.  But it was huge for me to change my status to that.  You know, I love Facebook.  I'm addicted - but it does put your life on display.  I have struggled with that for a while.  I know Shaun would say, "Babe, are you serious?  You are widowed.  It's just Facebook. Change it  - it's not that important."  But for me, it was like I was accepting he was gone.  Because once I changed it - I can't undo it.  I didn't want anyone to judge me and say - "Oh, she's over it now.  She's moved on - that's good."  Because understand this - I will never be over him.  Never.  We didn't choose to be separated.  We weren't fighting.  We didn't get a divorce.  We were ripped apart.  We neither had a choice in the matter.

But, I do accept it.  I do realize that I am a widow.  As much as I wish I could - I can't bring him back.  But by the grace of God - I will see him again.  But I have to live as me.  I will mourn and miss him everyday - but I have to take my life into my control again.  I am a widow, yes.  But I am a lot more.  I am mother to three amazing children who need me strong.  I am an employee.  I am friend.  I am a daughter and sister.  And that's just to name a few.  I wish there was a Facebook relationship status that said, "Lost time on earth with her husband, but by Jesus Christ - still has eternity."  Albeit, a bit wordy - but much more accurate.  I hadn't blogged much lately - because I felt like I had put too much out there to scrutinize.  But I feel like this one is mega important.   I hope you all understand - and yet again, I am blogging in tears.  But these are happy/sad tears.  I guess you would call them bipolar tears.  And Shaun Greenberg - you will always be loved more than you could ever know.  I hope you know just how much.  And know that we all miss you and talk about you all the time.  And I still kiss you goodnight every night.